Hi, I am a 40 year old stay at home mom with a very spirited 5 year old girl and a 3 year old girl. I never had a problem with the "terrible 2's", rather the "fierce 5's". Lately, she is going through a horrible phase where she is "mean". She is very mouthy and fresh. If she does not get her way, she says she hates me and my husband. I know it's only words and she does not mean it, but she can get really mean! She sticks her tounge out at us, she is mean to her sister and she yells at the top of her lungs at us....in public sometimes. I just ignore her and walk away. My husband is just fed up with her behavior. Other times she can be as good as gold, she is not a problem in school or with other people. If you knew her, you would not beleive it. I send her to her room and 10 minutes later, she is back at it. I take away some priviledges from her, she does not seem to care. I try talking with her and she says she does not want to be "bad". I tell her she is not "bad", she is just very fresh and disrespectful. Anyway, you get the idea. Any suggestions on how we can help her through these outburst? How we can change this behavior? I have the 123 Magic book and video, sometimes the ideas work, sometimes not..........She is a good kid and I don't want this friction between us.
Try giving lots of positive reinforcement (and maybe some super special rewards) when she is behaving the way you would like her too.
Umm, okay, this may sound harsh, but ever heard of soap? It wont hurt if she gets a taste, & time out or no tv at all. Kids are golden for other people or in school, but will try to get away with anything around us parents. Or see how much they can. No means just that. If shes gonna be fresh, send her to her room. Try the corner. Kids these days are so disrespectful, only if the parents let them be. When i take my kids out in public to eat or whatever, waitresses almost fall over when my kids thank them, its shocking to them i guess. Do you have any of the discipline books? Read to her about manners, or hurt feelings. Is there any problems in school? Influences from other children? What about one on one with her? Take her to a movie, go for a walk or just quiet time together. She may tell you why she feels the way she does.Have you asked her why? I feel like i'm rambling......sorry. Good luck, things will get better.
hi A.,
sounds like you are doing every thing your supposed to be doing by ignoring her when she does this because ifyou react to it that is whats she wants. she wantsto seeif she can get a reaction from you and testing yourlimits.i would tell her when she says she hates you that " i am sorry you feel that way but your behavior is justunacceptable and will notbe tolerated. i would take away what is most dearto her if she keeps itup after a warning andif she does keep it upo and gets worse you can always call your pediatrician. good luck and keep us posted./
Here's another way to look at it:
Young children are developing emotional control and emotional awareness, and they are often baffled by the responses of their own bodies. They look to parents to help them find appropriate labels for the sudden surges of adrenaline, the pressure behind the eyes that forces tears to fall, and the sudden tension they feel in their faces and hands. “I hate you,” is simply an attempt to quickly label a set of feelings.
So, when your daughter says she “hates you”, step back and consider what she is truly feeling. Observe her body and reflect back to her what you see: “I can tell by the way you are holding your hands and by your face that you are feeling very upset.” Then provide her with labels to name the feelings she might be experiencing: “You are very frustrated because I won’t let you have Oreos for breakfast.” Throw in some behavioral options: “If you want, you can have some cinnamon toast or some grapes.” And finally, let her know that you do not approve of the “hate” word.
With the current state of the world, children need to know that “hate” can be especially harmful. Tell your child, “Hate is one of the meanest words you can say to someone. It really hurt my feelings when you said that. Next time you are feeling upset, try to use other words and tell me about it so that I can help you find choices you like.”
In the meantime, notice when she is behaving the way you want her to-- especially when she is dealing with a difficult situation. Rather than call it a "good day" and tell yourself that she is behaving "normally", act as if the "good stuff" is as emotionally revving as the bad stuff. Make a big deal out of it.
And when the bad stuff comes along -- turn away. Simply tell her that her words are hurtful and you don't care to be with her until she can talk to you in a way that is not so mean. Give her a few other words for what she is feeling, point out the body language, and walk away.
My two cents! Like it or leave it as it applies to your individual situation.
5 seems to be the age where they start to gain some independence but i think sometimes theyre not sure how to handle it. being fresh and pushing buttons is normal. However, it seems yours is going so far to the point of disrespectful. For some reason she seems to be acting out, im assuming she hasnt told you something is bothering her and maybe shes not even sure what it is, but something probably has have had happen or be goin on for her to switch like that. Speak to her teacher, is she the same at school? Is she overly timid at school? Does she have Friends? Is she being bullied? Is SHE bullying? Sit down and talk with her during her more calm times and gently prod her and see if she will let you in, did someone say or do something innappropriate? Is she scared of something? She could just be overwhelmed and stressed from going to kindergarten and being with out you. But i do sense that it is something more than the "fresh fives" kicking in. Good luck
Hello, I also have a very spirited 5 year old daughter. She is wonderful but acts out at times. I have started a chart, like a reward type chart. We work on one issue a week. One week we worked on screaming, she would get an x on her chart everytime she screamed in the house or a star for using the inside voice. At the end of the week we would tally stars and x's and either be rewarded or have something small taken away. (tv, stuffed animal, playdate whatever) I think it is working for us. Just be creative with it and she will love counting the stars on her chart and look forward to a surprise. I also am reading Raising your spirited child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It offers great advice and you will learn alot about spirited children.
L.
I have not had such severe issues with my 5 yr old DD but we have talked about taking ALL of her toys away and making her earn back each and every one of her priviledges. This of course would include TV and computer time, and any other fun things like play dates and the like. Bad behavior cannot be rewarded with anything or it will continue. It sounds like your situation would warrent this kind of thing. Good luck!!
well, not sure about any advice, but we are going through very similiar things, w/ our 5 yr. old daughter. i have realized it is worse when she is tired (full time kindergarten is exhausting her!)
i bought the book "how to get your child to listen and stop yelling, nagging and pleading".
it has some good ideas, but no magic fix :(
good luck, and please share your successes w/ us!
