HELP! My Daughter Is Turning into a Teen Nightmare!

Updated on June 14, 2008
L.F. asks from Newport News, VA
3 answers

I thought I could handle most anything....but my teen daughter(going on 14)has me at the end of my rope. She has had a very traumatic year and w/o going into detail, I will say that she's had an abusive experience during an overnight stay at a friends house. Needless to say , I have become much more protective over who my daughter spends time with and definitely who she spends the night with. With that said....the past two days we have been fighting over her spending the night at her best friends house where I have repeatedly felt uncomfortable w/ the single mother's choices and the situations she was putting my daughter into( ..as in walking to a store 2 miles away on a busy highway and inviting a man over while my daughter was there...knowing what she suffered through, I thought was totally inappropriate). I told my daughter she was no longer allowed to stay overnight and caused her to miss an "end of the school year slumber party".
Since this decision my daughter has become totally defiant...screaming at me, ranting and raving( to the point that I almost lost it and had to call my husband to come and take over so I could cool off), calling me "judgemental". And then she took it upon herself to let the mother know that she couldn't come to the sleep over because " my mom doesnt' trust you and says you have poor judgement'.
I was fuming that my daughter would do this and leave me in such a terrible position w/ the other mother...now I have to do "repair" work on that....I would have spoken w/ her myself, politely, and diplomatically..but my daughter purposely took away that option and really upset the mother, which was totally uncalled for. When I confronted her on this she meanly commented that is what happens when you talk about my friends and thier family.I honestly was overcome w/ such anger, frustration and a loss for what in the world I can do to reel this child in.
I have a good relationship with my daughter, normally, but I have discovered another side of her that is angry, defiant, and even cruel. We do spend time together alone and go out; but she has stopped telling me "everything".She has been through counseling over her ordeal and she seemed to have moved on and had the counselor's approval to end the sessions.
So now what...I am not raising a daughter to scream at me and act is if I have no authority over her. She acted so defiant that my husband had to talk me out of my anger and literally hold me back...and I am a very laid back, mellow person. This is bringing out the worst in me and I can't decide what I shoud do. My husband and I have been loving, but strict, Christian parents to our three children and they have always been disciplined for thier actions. But now I am wondering what to expect from my daughter as her attitude grows...so does my fear that I will lose control.
I have grounded my daughter for 2 weeks because of the disrespectful attitude she showed to me and my husband. We ended the night on good terms..but I see trouble brewing for the future.
She strikes me as the type of child to get mad and just take off. I hope she has better sense than that.....but....she's a teenager.
I need advice from some of you supermoms that have raised a defiant teen...please give me some help here. My family life is already complicated...my teen son is awaiting a transplant, my husband is in a wheelchair for the summer after foot surgery, my younger daughter is struggling w/ depression and I dont have the patience for this attitude problem.
Help....
L.

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So What Happened?

Thanks to those who responded during a tough emotional time for me. My husband and I went back and spoke with my daughter, calmly explaining the consequences for her disrespectful actions was 2 weeks of being grounded. The first week was without phone and internet, plus she had the laundry chore for the entire week(dirty clothes for 5 people..really time consuming). We told her if she did everything w/o complaint or attitude, the second week would be "probation" and the phone/internet would be given back, the laundry chore taken away.
She responded very well to our action( seeing it was wise to keep her remarks to herself since we had a list of chores ready to hand to her for more offenses.)...I think action was the key. Instead of lecturing/talking/yelling we let her feel the impact of her decision be disrespectful. In the future I will do less talking/explaining and simply give out the consequence immediately to avoid the 'drama'.
Also..the books recommended are great!
Blessings,
L.

More Answers

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A.M.

answers from Norfolk on

Your daughter sounds like mine was at that age. It is very difficult and the best advice I can offer is to take it day by day; remember who the adult is; and run (don't walk) to the bookstore and get a copy of Dr. Dobson's book on "Tough Love". I had to use it with my daughter (soon to be 30) and it is tough to discipline yourself enough to follow the advice in the booj, but it made a difference with my daughter.
Also, just keep letting her know that you love her...
Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

D.S.

answers from Allentown on

Hi L.,

I suggest that you go to the nearest Mediation Center and get an appointment with a Family Mediator to resolve this present issue.

Next I would urge you to get into a mom's support group and take some parenting classes. I would urge you to find a class for your daughter to get some anger management classes. There may be some at the mediation center.

Here are some resources numbers: www.kidspriorityone.org

###-###-#### and www.chkd.org/classes

Community mediation center at ###-###-####.

Hope this helps. Good luck. D.

1 mom found this helpful
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C.D.

answers from Norfolk on

There's so much going on in your family! You acted appropriately not letting her sleep over at the friend's house, the mom doesn't have great judgement. Take your daughter to lunch, just the two of you, and lay it all on the table. Your reasoning, your adult take on the way the situation should have been handled, your concern for her well being. She's at that transition age, young enough for major guidance but old enough to make some decisions and choices(after discussing the options with you). She may be overwhelmed and frustrated and feeling left out due to all that is going on with everyone else in the house. I know it's hard. Don't give up, and stick to it. My mantra for life is 'this too, shall pass.' My oldest son was really rough, and it at last took spending a night in detention to finally kick him right; you would never know today 6 years later the awful time I had--I told someone it was like riding a tornado. He recently told my mother that he was so grateful that I never gave up pushing him in the right direction while allowing him the freedom to make his mistakes. That made me cry. His 4 siblings were a piece of cake. Best of luck.

1 mom found this helpful
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