Would You Protect 13 Yr Old or Husband

My son. Period.

And it's not speculation... this is something I live with.

There is a MAJOR difference between

1) backing up a calm decision that you don't necessarilly agree with, and then talking about it later in private to not undermine authority and

2) Standing by and allowing some to take ANYTHING out on my child in anger. Verbally, physically, emotionally.

You can only abandon kids and pets. Everyone else can take care of themselves.

Nice Christian guy huh?!! HE is a serious hypocrite and I would absolutely ask him WWJD? And why the he** does he even bother doing his church stuff if he can't walk the walk. This would be after I told him to get out of the house and come back when he can be civil to both me and our son.

Can you imagine how your son feels hearing his father tell his mother that he is 'done with her'? Not so good I can tell you that for sure...and probably afraid. Seriously-stand up to this man because he is worse than you think he is. Anyone who puts that kind of finality into an argument is seriously immature and needs major help.

If he's such a servant than why is a having a massive fit about helping his family? Obviously his family isn't as important. I would have told him to leave if my husband would have done that. Sorry to tell you, but that is abusive behavior.

A true servant serves his/her family first. Then others. He isn't a servant. He is an abusive jerk.

Your son has probably witnessed this before. That's why he said something. YOU and your husband should not be fighting in front of your son.

Your whole family needs to sit with a counselor. Nothing else is going to help. It sounds like a complicated, ongoing situation that the two of you can't sort out on your own. Obviously if you're actually yelling and fighting in front of your son, you've both lost control. Your son needs you both to get help.

Okay....
You have a lot going on in this equation.
I'm not going to profess to say who is "right" because that will only cause more trouble if you think of it that way as opposed to making it better for next time.
Your son should not be involved in your arguments.
Period.
Ever.
If your husband, or YOU, tell him to go to his room while you work it out, in my opinion, it's not an option for the child to say he will only do so if you quit fighting.
Your son likely didn't mean anything by that, but you should, in my opinion, have told him to go to his room as his father told him and then hashed out the adult stuff in his absence.
Instead, husband got told child is only trying to help, husband is acting stupid and husband needs to go to another room.
This could have been avoided and it needs to be in the future.
If you fight a lot, your son is not the mediator and he should NEVER be placed in that position. He may have been trying to help, but that's not his place.
If you fight a lot with your husband and you find yourself in a position of choosing who should go to a different room or who to protect, then I suggest counseling. For all of you.
Your husband shouldn't have gotten physical. At all. But, you shouldn't be justifying your son not going to his room and being in the middle of it either.
No offense.
Just my opinion.
I left an abusive husband. I lived in a huge house that still wasn't big enough for my kids to get away from the fighting. That's when it was time for me to go. I went to counseling myself because my husband wouldn't go. My kids had no responsibility in "helping" us.

I wish you the best, but I would go to counseling because you seem to have a lot of issues going on.

Ok, first of all

No fighting in front of your kids.

I understand that your husband wanted your son to go to his room but the two of you did this to him by fighting in front of him and causing him to feel fear for you ( his mom ). Your son understands that dad is stronger than mom and he wants to protect mom.

Let me see if i got this straight.
You two start the fight in front of him, then your husband tells him to go to his room and because of fear for mommy he stays and then he is grabbed and then he is also told that he can leave his fathers house!!!

The house belongs to the family.

Trust me when I say this, your son will never forget what happened and this will play over and over in his head.

Let your husband cool down and talk about this.

If your son had hurt someone I'm sure that you and your husband would have had him say that he is sorry and so I think that your husband should say that he is sorry to your son for hurting him and to reasure him that he will never have to leave his family.

As a mother, you should hug your son and say thank you to him for wanting to be there to protect you.
Tell him that no matter what happens he will never have to leave.
Tell him that if there is ever a time that you and your husband have another fight that you can handle it and that you don't want him to worry.

I'm sorry that this has happened to your family.

Children get frightened when their parents argue and shout. They feel injustice and because of their lower power status in the family and society, will relate to, and feel the need to help others in a lower power position. In this case, you. It wasn't disrespectful of your son to intervene, as some others have said here, it was a natural instinct, and I think, very brave. Your husband was wrong. It's a false Christian who forsakes their family for an institution, and then tries to kick out a child. You must protect your child. If his mother won't, who will?

Your husband needs to get a suitcase and stay the night in a hotel.

For one, you are both wrong for fighting in front of your son like this, YOU guys are the ones who should have gone into a private area and calmly discussed the situation. Obviously, the child chimed in out of concern and discomfort trying to make things better, and then he is punished for it, threatened to be kicked out and physically grabbed. It is sad that your child felt the need to try and calm things down. Then, your husband gave you an ultimatum, that he's done with you if you can't take his side? How wrong is that?! You and your husband need to come to an agreement on not ever letting that happen again, maybe counseling would benefit you both greatly.

Also, I'm all for church and my husband and I both volunteer to help, but God comes first in our hearts, and family comes first in service. your husband has a serious balancing act he needs to go through to sort out his priorities. obviously, his family is not his priority. If he truly "loved to help others" he would be helping you and not attacking your son.

It's always sad and scary when a child tries to "help" in these situations.
My husband and I got into some pretty heated arguments about four years ago when my son was 14, and yes, my son came forward in my defense.
I absolutely told him to leave the room, that his dad and I needed to figure this out on our own.
Of course later I talked to him about it and how much I appreciated his support, but under no circumstance would I ever want one of my kids to be part of a marital dispute.
I am not sure what you mean by your husband being a servant? And he's too busy to communicate with? Do you not speak every day, or at least have cell phones?
Serious red flags here, I hope the two of you can get some marriage guidance/counseling/support through your church.

doesn't sound like very christ-like behavior to me...sounds borderline abusive.

yes, if (ok, in the past, when) my husband put hands on my son i would be instantly between them. you don't put your hands on my child in anger. EVER. he's 13 and it sounds like he was coming from a good place, not being out of control just to be a butt. he was right, you guys shouldn't have been fighting. and that's what hubby didn't like.

i also agree, however, that the first time son was told to go to his room, you should have backed hubby up and then this never would have happened. there's nothing wrong with the child being sent to his room so that the grownups can work out a disagreement.

but tell hubby if he wants you to stand with HIM then he needs to get a grip on his anger and learn to resolve conflicts without laying hands on your child, especially if he's just wanting to help/stop you guys fighting. you don't have to back up your husband blindly 100% even when he is WRONG. and your son shouldn't have to deal with the two of you fighting like that.

A.:

Welcome to Mamapedia...

I would protect my child.

Your husband may be a servant of God - but he also needs to remember that God cherishes and respects FAMILY....while your husband's first priority is God, got that - FAMILY should come NEXT...not other people...

You need to ask yourself if you are better off with or without him...ONLY YOU can answer this question..

Your husband needs to RESPECT YOU as well...YOU ARE NOT beneath him nor are you ABOVE him. you are partners and if he can't see that - then HE has more problems...if my husband threatened divorce - i'd tell him to get to the court house...you DO NOT threaten divorce..it's not a game.

There is so much wrong here, it's hard to know where to start. It's okay for kids to hear their parents fighting if it does not turn disrespectful (calling names) or physically violent, and if the kids get to see a successful, adult resolution of the argument. According to a recent study, kids are actually comforted by that cycle of disagreement/resolution, and learn how to handle the future differences of opinion that will occur in their own lives.

But I suspect this is not the first nasty fight you've had in front of your child, because he felt strongly enough about it to stand up for his own needs. That generally takes real guts. I suspect this is not the first time your husband thought the two of you had ganged up on him. And I suspect your husband is using his church work as an excuse to either stay out of the house or find people who appreciate him. These are only guesses.

But yours sounds like a seriously disordered household, on both your parts, and I hope you will get counseling for yourself if your husband won't go with you. Even on your own, you will learn better ways to communicate and work through your differences, better ways to recognize and respond to legitimate needs of all family members, and perhaps exercises that can help you keep your feelings under control.

This may or may not be enough at this point to establish calm and reconnection in your family. But even one person doing these things effectively can make a huge difference. I wish you the best.

I'm sorry, why were you fighting in front of your son to the point where he felt like he had to step in. And yes, the moment your son stepped in, I would have sent him to his room.

If your husband told your son to go to his room, and the boy didn't get up and go to his room, he was disrespecting his father. The Bible says to "Honor your father and mother." That means when they tell you to do something, you do it. You and your husband had no right to argue in front of your child. You both were wrong. Your son had no right to step into an adult conversation and then put his demands into the mix. ("I will go to my room if you quit fighting.") Your husband wasn't right to grab your son, but you should have stepped in, sent your son to his room and then told DH, in private, that you didn't appreciate him grabbing your son.

Each of you dropped the ball.

He is a servant to who? Everyone, but your family? He is too busy with helping everyone else, that you couldn't tell him about an appointment? A servant starts in their own family first, then proceeds elsewhere. A servant does not act that way to his child. A grown man does not need protection. A 13 year old does. I would never side with my husband, if he was out of line with my son. My husband doesn't get "protection." He can take care of himself. We have to be advocates for our children.

You should not be fighting like that in front of your kid. He should NOT be in a position, that he feels he needs to step in. It is NOT his responsibility to intervene and create peace between parents. It is NOT his responsibility to make the adults act like adults, instead of petty children. You AND your husband were childish, and showed great lack of discernment. You should get counseling. A lot happened in this situation, that never should have. The church he spends so much time serving need to serve you now, and help you in your marriage. Or, would you and your husband be too proud to admit you have marriage problems, to the the church??

Big mistake on husbands part. You did your best and said the right thing. Your son soudns like a very good boy asking you to both stop arguing . When hubby and I get into an argument in front of the kids (I know, not smart) both our children intervene telling us to stop.
Never but never tell a child to leave home. He may just do it, and you'll regret it for ever. He's maturing into adolecense and things are not going to get easy.
What's this with, "I'm done with you"! Something is not right. Confront him and explain that he's not being honest with you.
He seems to be spending way too much time at church. Is he the only person that does this? Aren't there any other helpers? If he does this service for free than he doesn't need to be putting too much time with the church. Tell him to invest some quality time with you, and especially the children.

He may be a servant who loves to help others, but his family needs to come first. Just because he's helping at church, doesn't mean that's the RIGHT thing to do. And if he gets angry like this all the time and this isn't a one time thing, he may need anger management counseling. His reaction was out of proportion.

you were all wrong, first for arguing in front of your child, then your son for entering the argument, & your husband for getting physical...there needs to be a discussion between you and your hubs & a family meeting as well...

but personally i think your husband is wrong for saying that you need to stand behind him when he was out of control (getting physical in my opinion is out of control) i would not stand behind a decision/statement which was made out of anger & there is no reason to say it's my side or theirs when everyone was wrong & amends should be made all around...& if your husband is such a servant then why would he treat his family like this

your son does need to be disciplined for his actions but your husband should also apologize for his actions taken in anger (i personally feel that it is important for parents to apologize and admit wrong doings to children, it opens communication, shows that you are not always right, that you make mistakes but still love them)

perhaps you could check into some family counseling even at your church?

I wouldn't have fought in front of the kid in the first place, but if I had, and MY 13 yr old chimed in, I would have been pretty upset with him. And I would have asked him to leave. And if he'd given ME the condition of "I'll leave only if you stop fighing", you bet, my anger would have gotten worse. By 13, kids should be able to read the cues of what's going on with the parents and be smart and butt out when required. NOT get involved and start throwing around their OWN conditions and flame the fire. So, although, maybe your husband's anger was over the top, I can't help sympathizing with him (in this particular situation). What I *absolutely* would not have done is tell my husband he was being "stupid" in front of the kid and defend my son's inappropriate butting in. I would also have turned to my son and asked him to please respect his father, find another part of the house to hang out (which is a perfectly reasonable request to make of a child) and let us handle the matter.

However, the deal with your husband helping everyone but his family is a whole other issue and I'm on YOUR side with that. So to recap, I disagree with you on HOW the fight was fought, but I agree with you that you DO need to have that "fight" (discussion?, conversation?) and I hope you ultimately "win".

Short answer, yes, I would have sent my son to his room. In fact, if you were worried for his safety, his room was probably the safest place for him.

Longer answer: If your argument with your husband wasn't physical, there was no reason for your son to involve himself. To top that off, he backtalked your husband when told to go to his room as that argument was none of his business. It's not like your husband beat him, he snatched him up and told him to go to his room. What exactly were you protecting him from? At 13, your son should know how to follow simple direction, so why wouldn't you back your husband up when he told your son to go to his room? It's not your 13 year old's job to "help" when mom and dad are arguing adult things.

Could it have been handled better? Certainly, but barring any physical beating, you should have sent your child to his room and THEN told your husband to calm down before you would discuss this further.

Are you sure he is a servant in helping others or is he just busy being away from the house and family? It sounds to me like something else is going on with him making him so angry. I think you did the right thing. honestly I would have told him to leave if he said he was done with me. What an a$$. He was completely wrong! you were both wrong for fighting in front of your son but he made it a whole lot worse. Has he had any previous episodes acting this way? to you or your children? I say there is more going on that you might want to investigate unless he is always hot headed. Give him time to cool off, he really owes your son an apology and he really needs to teach your son the RIGHT way to disagree with a woman b/c as of now, unless your son is an amazingly well adjusted little boy, your husband might be teaching him the WRONG way to treat women.

So sorry you are going through this. Some thoughts:
1. It sounds like your husband is a good man, but has an anger problem..
2. Given this, you need to protect your children against damaging behavior. It sounds like your son instinctively reacted and wanted to protect you and the family....He should be hugged and comforted.
3. I hope your husband would consider to get professional counseling or speak to a priest/minister/pastor.

I hope this helps and pray for you.
Jilly

I would have done both...

...by telling my child to go to his room like his father said and that everything is OK, that some times adults fight and have disagreements too!

~I do not mean to be blunt but your excuse at the end of not telling him you needed him in advance b/c he has been too busy doesn't fly with me...I would be very sad if my marriage got to the point that I could not communicate with my husband for weeks!!

i think you were absolutely right... i would have done the same thing. your husband is an adult. yes, your son should not have disprespected him, but practice what you preach. your son saw your husband disprescting you so he rightfully stepped in as your son. a son is always going to protect his mother no matter who the person is disprespecting her. that's enate.
you should definitely talk to your husband about calmly having these discussions when the kids are not in the home or atleast when they are asleep, and also behind closed doors. then remind him that as a man and a father, his job is to lead by example... children should never witness a parent emotionally out of control, heated quarrels between their parents, nor be put in the position to referee. most importantly, putting his hands on him to make him go to his room could have a lasting negative affect on their relationship.
when things settle down you want to talk about how you can work on your communication. sometimes you have to pick your battles, but in some cases you have to discuss matters but in the calmest way possible. no one's listening when they're upset and feel they aren't being heard or their feelings aren't being taken into consideration so having discussion when everyone is calm and open to listen may make a better enviornment for you and your children.
i would sit down with your son, and make sure you express your appreciation for his concern, but remind him that adult discussions should stay between the adults involved and that he shouldn't feel compelled to be disrespectful to his father whether he's right or wrong.
good luck, and hang in there... =D

The only thing I can add is...now is NOT the time for your husband to alienate your son. Our family operates under the "attachment parenting" method of raising children. Basically, the principle is that a child who feels loved, accepted, and in an "emotionaly safe" environment, for the most part acts as they should.

As crazy as the teenage years are, most people understand that teenagers are at their core are very unsure of who they are and the world around them. It is a time of finding themselves and learning how to develop mature relationships.

During these years, the absolute most important thing parents can do is allow the teenager to "be themselves" in a environment where all family members have deep relationships with one another. It is extremely important that the teenage feel secure in the family. If they don't, they either emotionally shut down or look for love in the wrong places.

Your son reacted the way he did because the fighting was making him fearful he was going to lose something that he needs...his security. I don't feel as though he was "just being disrespectful". All families have issues they have to work through, but what your husband is doing is breaking down the relationship (attachment) that is SO needed (at all ages) but especially through this age. And for your husband to tell your son that he could just "get out of his house", can you imagine how that made your son feel? Imagine the damage that did to the relationship b/t the 2 of them! You might ask your husband, "15 years from now, what do your want your relationship with your son to look like"? Strained or two adult men who admire and respect one another? A son who never calls or a son who seeks his dad's advice on life's issues?

Honestly, IMO I think your question is be deeper than who to protect. I think your issue is that you feel like you have to protect one of them in general. The whole being asked to "stand behind him with the kids" seems like there is an environment of parents vs. kids, at least with him. Of course there are issues that parents have to deal with alone and times when children have to be disciplined, but the "I'm the parent, you are the lowly child" attitude is lacking the respect and love that should be the "glue" and center of a family.

Always protect your child at ALL costs. I think you should have asked him to go to his room because you and your husband were out of control and he didn't need to see that or be involved. Next time you fight, you should be in your own room in private where your child doesn't feel he has to pick sides. I see that he was trying to help, but it wasn't right to try to get your hubby to understand your son's position. Even if he was right--- it is disrespectful to your hubby and will increase his anger level---ALOT. Which is why he acted the way he did. HE was completely irrational and unable to have self-control when he told your son to get out and you that it was over if you picked son over you. My suggestion would be to get some counseling. Sounds like much deeper issues here and alot of harm is being done. Please protect your son always- no matter what. GL

M

I would have sent my son to his room, thereby protecting him. Your husband overreacted. He thought your son was disrespectful but he was just trying to help ease the stress.

Always defend kids, especially if he's snatching him up to force him in his room. Your son sounded respectful and he was in his right to say he didn't want y'all to fight. He loves you two and I bet it scares him when you fight. If it were my situation my husband would have an imprint on his arm where I had grabbed his arm to get him off my child. He sounds like (dad) he needs some anger management. He was done with you because you weren't submissive? Kinda irrational. Regardless of whether you didn't communicate with him or did, he should know how to handle his anger... he is a grown man.

Yes, if I were arguing in the living room I would've told him to go to his room because he didn't need to be in the middle of this craziness. If he had said he didn't want us to fight, well babe that is a child (teen) who is scared of his parents fighting and is trying to get y'all to kiss and makeup. I can honestly stop and take it in another room, but I'm very kid-oriented too. Kids are vulnerable, which is why I always say defend kids. Adults should know better but kids, even teens, don't know much better. Teens are bodies of hormones and aren't fully mature. I don't think he was disrespecting either of you and I don't think kids should just blindly obey their parents. This case sounded like a son scared of escalation or just mean fighting (name-calling). Maybe he felt he needed to protect you for whatever reason. Has your husband ever put his hands on y'alls son before?

No offense, but your husband doesn't sound like he lives by the bible at all. This is nowhere near christ-like behavior. It is some red flags for abusive behavior.

I don't believe this is the whole story....I think there's more history here than even you realize.

It's time to sit down with your husband, outside of the home & without kids, & try to get to the heart of the matter. What triggered this event...& how you got to this point where your husband took it to a physical level - would be a good starting point.

& yes, I would have sent the child to his room. He did not belong in the room with the argument. Both of you placed him in a no-win situation....& he got burned for trying to make the 2 of you behave. Poor kid......

If a "man of God", a "servant" has that much anger in his heart, then I feel like he has not seen the "big picture" of being a member of God's church...Communication is a problem when it breaks down with a spouse. The children are being subjected to the arguements you two are having, and doing it in front of the kids is wrong...They see how you both handle a confrontation/arguement, and that is what you are teaching them to do when they have their own arguements with others...

Another thing I see is that he may be feeling "left out", "not important" now that the kids came along. You and he needs to set a date night so you and him have a chance to "be alone" together and reconnect on some adult conversation. Not with others from church, or other friends...go to dinner in a quiet place so you and your husband can have a good talk. Ask him for his time more often, and ask him to help you with the kids and get him involved again.
I have been there, done that whole scenario, and I can tell you what helped us was these tapes called, "LIGHT HER FIRE, LIGHT HIS FIRE," by Ellen Kreidman...awesome audio tapes that saved our relationship from divorce. It talks about the relationships with the entire family, not just the spouses. Your teenaged son may be feeling neglected by his dad, and dad doesn't know how to talk to him to get the best results.

I hope this has helped in some small way, and I will be praying for your family..keep us posted!! C. P., Surprise Parties Rep....Columbia, TN.

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There is a lot said in your post. However, your question is whether I would have supported my husband's request and asked my son to go to his room.

If I were in a rational state of mind, yes, I would have supported my husband's decision. There are three reasons for this: 1) My primary loyalty is to my husband first, and my children are second; 2) It is a reasonable request to send my son to his room, especially since he was insubordinate to his father; and 3) A man is fueled by respect, so his reaction, although extreme and unnecessary, is not surprising.

However, you stated that you and your husband were in a heated discussion, during which few people make rational decisions. If I were caught in this situation, I would confess my own faults here - apologizing to my husband for disrespecting him, apologizing to my son for fighting in front of him, and then I would continue the conversation with my husband privately.

That's no way for a Christian/spiritual person to talk and behave!!!!!!!!

Is this the first time he's gotten physical with your son? Your husband is verbally and physically abusive. Once is too many times.

THROUGH WITH YOU?????? Hmmmmm...could something else be behind the "anger"? Why is he always helping others and NOT spending time helping where he should consider #1? HOME!!!!!! How often does he "text" you instead of calling or telling you in advance? It seems like he wants to do as he is pleased and expect for you to fall into line. Why is it that you had to notify him before hand about something that comes with the territory of having a family?

I think your husband sounds more frustrated and wants to be away from home for whatever reason. Pay attention, I think there's a pattern in the making.

Protect your son/children always when someone else is being unreasonable and roughen them up.

Parents must back each other up, imo. If one parent says, "Go to your room!" then the other parent should definitely defer to those wishes (command, whatever). If you disagree, talk about it behind closed doors LATER. Sounds like some serious communication needs to happen between you and your husband. Best of luck to you.

Situations like this are always hard since we aren't the ones involved, but please follow the good advice about going to see a counselor. My initial response is that everyone played their part in creating a terrible situation.

I would be upset if my husband "suddenly" told me that he needed me to help out when he knew I was really busy lately and he knew he was going to need help weeks ago. All it takes is 10 seconds to say "Hey, I have an appt on "x" and I need you to watch the kids." Or send an email. Or a text. Whatever works for your household (I tend to send my husband calendar invites....weird, I know, but it works for us).

Also, you and your husand are both to blame for fighting in front of your son. That put him in an uncomfortable situation.

But, your son is also to blame for disrespecting his father by not going to his room when told, and you are to blame for not backing up your husband and not removing your son from that situation...creating one where you had to "side" with one or the other. It was an adult conversation, and your son had no place in it...even if he was only trying to be helpful.

You said it "got worse" and your husband grabbed your son out of the chair. I wasn't there so I don't know the severity of the grabbing, but it sort of reminded me of when I pick up my daughter to put her in time out. Granted, she's 2 and your son is 13, but in my mind your husband "grabbing" your son does not qualify as "violent" or "abusive." In a heated situation, I can see the possibility of physically trying to remove a disobedient child from the situation.

I also think you telling your husband that he is stupid in front of his son was an error in judgement on your part...again, probably spurred on by anger. Sounds like everyone could use some counseling on handling this (or similar) situations.

This is my life. Only add in that time is not all he takes from our family its also money. We have had these fights many times. I always end up the looser. He goes and does what he wants at church. It drives me nuts. He says "I am the grand knight" they expect me to be there. He goes to funerals of people he never even met and says the families expect it. When I totally flip out he will stop for a while but what you described above happens a lot at our house.
just keep the kids out of it as best you can. thats about all you can do. that and maybe make an appt to meet with your pastor and talk about it.

I think your DH needs to rethink his priorities...Sounds like he is spending too much time helping everyone else but himself and his family. Your son should not interfer and should have left the room when asked but at the same time you DH has no right to direct his anger at your son. I strongly suggest some counseling or mediation from the church elders.

First, you shouldn't be arguing in front of your son. Your son shouldn't have been offering advice in the argument. If your husband asked your son to go to his room, then you should have backed him up. Your son shouldn't have back talked his Dad. Your husband should threaten to toss your son out. This sounds like a house out of control. Next time email your husband when you need him to put something on the calendar. It never helps to put a kid in the middle of an argument no matter how helpful the child may think he is being.
Don't think your off the hook in all this. It looks like your using your son to stir the pot. Next time discuss your schedule in private with your husband.

It isn't a child's responsibility to "help" in a fight (he isn't an adult, anyhow) but it IS your responsibility to be on the same page, as parents, as far as your children are concerned. I agree with your husbands point entirely, but not in how he dealt with it.

Also, if he's helping the church...? If you knew you were having a procedure, I'd have given him a little advance notice that you would need his help, before he made an obligation elsewhere. Again, I don't agree with his anger/attitude, but it seems like he's technically correct. I don't think anyone's too busy for someone to say "hey, I need you home at this time on such and such a day, and here's why."

I hope you can get it worked out...I'm sure you can. I'll say a prayer for you! :)

you needed to be backing your husband. No, you shouldn't have been fighting in front of your son but what you did was instead of sending your son out of the room you tried to send your husband to his room! Like you were is mom and he was the child.
If it was/is to be a family discussion then you all need to sit down and calmly discuss your concerns and have some ideas on how to resolve it and be open to ideas on how to resolve the problem. But it is extremely important that you back your husband in front of your children even if you disagree with him- you would expect him to do the same for you(how would you feel if your husband tried to send you to your room?) If you are upset or disagree with how he handled it- talk to him-ALONE and then he can be the one to go to your son and apologize and talk about his behavior.
If it's a disagreement between yourself and your husband, your son should not have gotten involved. If he wanted to add something, he should have asked to be in the conversation such as, "Dad, mom, can I say something? "
You need to apologize to your husband and you both need to apologize to your son.
good luck!
~C.

I would have had my son go to his room, not because he did anything wrong but for his own good and because his dad told him to, but I would have still stood up for him. I would have explained to my husband that our son was not doing anything wrong but was rather just trying to help. I would tell my husband that it was he who is not standing BY you when you need him. I would also stated that you will NOT stand behind him when telling your 13yr old he can move out when he was only trying to stop an argument it unacceptable.

Sounds like he needs anger management & firstly, needs to apologize to your son! You should be proud that you've raised sucha mature young man to try & help! I support you whole heartedly. If you husband is 'through with you' as you said, maybe you should first try marriage counseling & anger management for him. If that doesn't work, then perhaps it's best to leave the situation behind & move on. If this happens once, it'll happen again. Start by expressing your disappointment in him (your husband) in that firstly, yelling unwarranted at your son & secondly, acting like you have no 'say' in the manner. You have a 2 (TWO) parent household, not a 1 parent household. Sometimes you will disagree on things but this IMO was uncalled for! Best wishes.

He doesn't sound like a servant to me. I'd be gone.

Your husband was completely out of line and you shouldn't let him bully you or your son. You have a completely legitimate concern and I would be having a heart to heart with him about him being gone all the time serving. If you can't have this talk without fighting, see a counselor to help you. My husband also used to be gone ALL THE TIME between work and church service. I would beg him to stay home more. It was terrible and completely off balance and he didn't listen to me until I had a complete emotional melt down one day and couldn't stop sobbing because he was off to yet another church meeting. It's messed up to serve other people at your own family's expense. My dad was also kind of like that, and it makes me sad to see him leave family functions for church obligations. My dad also had a temper, but my mom stood up to him and wouldn't tolerate it. And if he turned his anger on us, you better believe she defended us and told him he was being irrational. But my dad listened to my mom better than it sounds like your husband listens to you. My dad would go on a walk and cool off and usually apologize to all of us. He hated his temper problem and worked on it diligently until he eventually conquered it around the time I was a teenager. If my mom had let him run the show and not stood up to him when he was wrong, then I don't think he would have changed. But he had a good heart and wanted to change, too, which makes all the difference.

Updated

Your husband was completely out of line and you shouldn't let him bully you or your son. You have a completely legitimate concern and I would be having a heart to heart with him about him being gone all the time serving. If you can't have this talk without fighting, see a counselor to help you. My husband also used to be gone ALL THE TIME between work and church service. I would beg him to stay home more. It was terrible and completely off balance and he didn't listen to me until I had a complete emotional melt down one day and couldn't stop sobbing because he was off to yet another church meeting. It's messed up to serve other people at your own family's expense. My dad was also kind of like that, and it makes me sad to see him leave family functions for church obligations. My dad also had a temper, but my mom stood up to him and wouldn't tolerate it. And if he turned his anger on us, you better believe she defended us and told him he was being irrational. But my dad listened to my mom better than it sounds like your husband listens to you. My dad would go on a walk and cool off and usually apologize to all of us. He hated his temper problem and worked on it diligently until he eventually conquered it around the time I was a teenager. If my mom had let him run the show and not stood up to him when he was wrong, then I don't think he would have changed. But he had a good heart and wanted to change, too, which makes all the difference.

I also would speak to my son separately and tell him that he shouldn't get involved in your arguments and that you getting along with each other is not his responsibility and that as a child it's not his job to take care of you. I understand his concern, but tell him that you adults need to work your own conflicts out. Just like I let my children work their own conflicts out if they are in a fight (of course if it's getting physical I intervene, but it usually doesn't come to that).

Yikes - you need to get some counseling from your pastor about this. Your husband is getting a lot of positive emotions out of helping at church. I understand that completely. It feels good to get those emotional "well done" comments - even if it's just the satisfcation of a job well done. He's probably respected at church too - and when he gets home - well you know him best so he knows you recognize his flaws. He's probably not the "great guy" at home that he feels he is at church.

Another post here was accurate in that men are driven by respect, women by love. Men want to be respected for their opinion, their work, what they do and say. Which is why he flipped out on your son when your son challenged that.

There's no perfect answer to your question. The problem is that your son is seeing the divergence between both of you and his perception is that you're more right than his dad is. That's gotten under the skin of your husband and he percieves that your son doesn't have as much respect for him. There's got to be a slow rebuilding that will not be a short project.

If your husband won't go to counseling with you then go by yourself. Or even call your pastor if you can't gte out of the house without the kids. I've had some good "counseling sessions" with my pastor over the phone when I couldn't get out.

Make an effort to get with your husband on a day off - early in the day before he's tired. Tell him that you value him for all the things that he does so well - show him respect for things that he's good at (provider, hard worker, etc.) but tell him that you need him - that the kids need him. There's a great mini-book called "You've Got What It Takes" written by John Eldridge - directed ad dads and it reminds them of how imporatnat they are in their kid's lives - how their kids to know that their dads think they have what it takes, that they're intelligent, beautiful, valued, etc. Our counselor described is as a "man sized" book - meaning that it could be read in less than an hour in one sitting. <smile>

Respect is the language that men understand - it's hard for us to swallow sometimes but they're jsut not motivated by love the way we women are.

Goo dluck mama - nothing that's good and worthwhile is easy

You should be proud of your son for wanting you to have a good day. It's a sticky situation when kids want to jump into arguments between parents, but at his age, it's kinda normal too. He does need to learn to respect you both to work it out.
That being said, your husband was being more than unreasonable to turn his anger on your son just because he was angry with you. Is his outside volunteer work so important that you and your children should suffer if his plans change last minute because his family needs him? And is it so horrible of you to ask that when your son interrupted, he should be threatened to be forced to leave, at 13?? Seems like a super big over reaction that was no where near warranted.
I've told my husband before that if he ever expects me to choose him over my kids, he can walk out the dang door without ever even asking.
Good luck!
C.

your husband seems like he would get a lot out of hearing his pastor's views on teh matter. thats great that he's involved in church but your first and foremost priority should be family. our pastor actually even gave a sermon on this how he was so busy trying to grow his church and be there for his congregants that he totally neglected his wife and kids and he said that was a huge mistake of his and God would not be happy with that. maybe he needs to hear it from the pastor...

If this is what lead your husband to get aggressively angry with a 13 year old, then he has anger management issues. He was disrespectful to you as well. Get out. If church family is more important than your family, he's not committed to you and the kids. Counselling or end things. Someone who behaved that way toward a 13 year old should not be working with the youth group.

I'm sorry your husband reacted the way he did, but I do think you should have honored your husband and not pitted yourself with your son against him. Your son was out of line to tell his father what he needed to do in order for the son to obey his father. It is not his role to be calling the shots. He is supposed to obey and honor his father. Had he obeyed and gone to his room when his dad told him to, none of the rest would have happened. It is not your son's fault that your husband sinned the way he did. But, he was also in the wrong and must take responsibility for the wrong he did, not matter what his motive was. Oh, and the 13 year old is not the authority on what is good and right. He was out of line.
Oh, I just thought of something. Get the book, The Heart of Anger, by Lou Priolo. Great help, especially for a Christian family.