Help! My Husbands Gambling Has Gotten Out of Control!

J.,
I just came across your post....hopefully everything is going well and you and your husband have found some help. My husband gambled in college when we were dating as a quick source of cash. We were young and I really did not think anything about it. We have now been married 8 years and the gambling has slowly progressed. His choice is gambling boats. He began staying out all night and blowing his whole paycheck. We sunk pretty low finacially and personally. The more I yelled, fussed and accussed him the worse the gambling got because it gave him an excuse not to be at home. I decided I needed to help myself. I spent so much time worry about his gambling that I was not taking care of myself or spending the quality time I needed to with our son. I started attending GamAnon meetings(for spouses of gamblers). It was hard and embarrassing at first, but it helped me realize I could not change him...only myself. I was giving him to much power/ control to him and the gambling. Talking with people who understood and who's situations were the same or worse was a releif. I have never told my family because it is embarrassing and I hoped things would change. So having people to talk to,understand and educate me was liberating. THey have great info on how to protect yourself from the impact of your spouses gambling such as seperate accounts, restrctions on internet ect. As I began to focus more time on myself and what was important to me my husband began to see a change and he was curious....he even asked me if I was having an affair! He was so used to me being at home and available that when I started hanging out with the girls or going to my Sunday Gam Anon meeting he became curious. All this did not cure his gambling problem, but I am no longer enabling him or participating in his gambling behavior. He still does no think he has a gambling problem, but he is listening and responding more to my concerns. He has also stop staying out all night and significantly reduced his gambling. Realistically this is just short term because gambling is an addiction, but we are spending more time together and have a better relationship. I continue to hope he will recognize his gambling problem and seek treatment. In the meantime I am being the best me I can be. Below is some info on Gam Anon....Let me know if you would like to talk more.... (____@____.com)

Sunday's 5-6:30 St. Lukes (86th & N. Meridian)
Jen ph:###-###-#### (group leader)

I can understand your concern, and yes...there is cause for it. My husband sounds very similar to yours in that he is, as well, somewhat of a loner/wanderer, looking for the best opportunity of the moment, rather than the best decisions for tomorrow. We have been together (moved in together really soon, too soon looking back now.) since 2001, and married since May 8, 2004. My husband has issues with both online poker and online gaming...the gaming being the worst since it places him in his seperate universe he so desperately seeks. This doesnt, however, mean that the poker issue isnt a problem. The times he plays, he plays whether we have the money in our account or not (over draft protection can hurt as well as help you...lol). If there is money in the account, it is ALWAYS predesignated to bills, seeing as we are always behind, yet...since his opinion is that he can, in a night's sitting, earn his money back...especially in tournaments where he can place 20th and still be in the money. Both of these issues have been confronted, havent changed...and are still unresolved. The change in my husbands personallity came just before we were married, and brought out in him the "typical" egotistical, self preserving male dominator that most men become when they have their "ownership" paper (as they see them, and yes....THEY TRULY DO, NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY!), at least most men concerned with/already achieved, having a family. The line "who is the king? and who wears the pants in this family" line HAS, sadly, been used before... to which was answered... "yes dear, just remember to jiggle the handle as you flush that throne." Although I have been okay with the fact that, my knowledge of the true situation, and how it should be seen by him (judged by both his and mine feelings alike), and even try today to view things this way...it isnt cutting it anymore. This is MY life, and only I can make me happy. You can't change his personality, or his attitude towards his family, unfortunatly. The need for his satisfying his own "needs" (the money part, at least in my case, and its sounds as if in yours too, isnt the addiction, it is the sitting around the table with "the boys", and the endorphins that kick in when in the last few final rounds. Then there is the win...that is what keeps them coming back for more. Its kind of like alcoholics, not being addicted to the alcohol per say, mostly the way it makes you feel, and the atmosphere in which it is consumed.) it what is his concern. YOUR CONCERN should then be for you and your child. Open a second checking account, and transfer all of YOUR transactions over to it. If he has put you in a bad place with your bank, sit down and talk to the manager. I know it may be embarrasing, but, having worked as a bank teller in the past, I know bank managers want to take care of you, so you remain with their instiution if nothing else. AFTER you open this, let him know that you will be doing this...(although it is done already)...and try to let him know in a way that doesnt "point fingers", saying...well, you wont do anything, so I will. He will put up his defenses, and more fights will occur. Keep your name on your joint account, so as to keep track of what takes place. When he isnt home, log onto his poker. (Sounds sneaky, and I HATE sneaky...But hey, this is your family your talking about here!) Print out/write down all of his transactions, when he puts money in, takes it out...whatever info the poker host contributes on their account screen. Keep a list of this, and all of the examples of his personallity change, in a notebook for yourself. (Don't bring them back up in the future, unless the problem is duplicated in the future.) Realize that, if things are as unhappy as you say, your beautiful little girl will know that. She will hear, feel and pick up on more than both of you do in your arguments, and it will be a lasting effect. (Also, just FYI, my mother (when I was 3) was in a marriage with a alcoholic junkie, who like to beat up on her. It was hard, knowing she couldnt make it on her own financially, for her to leave. And yes, the heart strings kept pulling her back to "her place" (as he saw it). Until my aunt told her, that if she didnt leave him, she would take my mom to court for custody, due to child endangerment (whole family lived in a SMALL town, with a brother on the fire dept. and another one who was the deputy sherrif, so that being the case, I think my Mom was TRULY scared because she knew she had to do it.) Looking back now, altough it was tough for her at the time, she can't even recall a hint of that feeling that kept her there in the first place.) You know in your heart if it is worth it for YOU, and of course your daughter. And yes, for him too. He, even if he doesnt realize it, isnt happy with his life as it is, including the poker aspect, or that wouldnt be such an escape. Hope some, or any, of this helps!!!

Lori L.

Aside from the great advice of contacting GA for ideas and support, some financial advice from someone who spent many years in the financial industry and dealing with credit bureau agencies:

seperate your finances ASAP. If you have credit cards together, cancel them immediately. If he dips into the personal accounts, seperate those. Get your name off any adverse accounts - his financial irresponsibility is effecting your credit negatively on a continuing basis. You need to ensure that stops ASAP. Additionally, take over the finances if he will allow it. If not, at LEAST be sure you know where every dime is going....not that it won't make you angry, bc it will. But knowledge is power and without the knowledge you won't really know the scope of the problem or how to deal with it on a consistent basis.

Understand that legally, any debt he incurs during marriage whether your name is on the note or not becomes your responsibility too in a court of law - whether you knew about it or not. As far as the creditor is concerned, they can only pursue whoever signed the note, unless you previously signed a loanliner agreement - essentially a coverall.

seperate your finances, investigate the intricate details, and determine what your legal responsiblity is to creditors. Cancel any existing joint credit accounts immediately in a signed document.

Dear J.~

This is a VERY difficult situation. The first step is to contact Gamblers Anonymous.
Secondly, is to have your OWN back account that he can not have acess to.
Is he still in school? If so, is he in Medical School yet?
Many chronic gamblers are depressed and very hard to convince they acutally have a problem. Sit down, be real and talk to him...tell him your concerns and insights.

He needs help soon, before things really get out of control which is sounds like they already are.

Do you live in Charlotte?

Write me back if you wish. ____@____.com

Dear J.,
Your husband needs to get into a "gambler's anonymous" program. Staying in denial will not do any of you any good at all.
I also would suggest a weekend retreat coming up at the end of this month called "Love and Respect". I will include the info below. Focus on the Family is sponsoring the Love and Respect Marriage Conference in Fort Wayne, Indiana, September 29-30.

Dear Focus Friend,

Dr. Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs present the Love and Respect Marriage Conference, a dynamic, high-energy, practical seminar designed to help even the most troubled marriages obey the command of Ephesians 5:33, "... each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself and the wife must respect her husband."

Who: Dr. Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs
What: Love and Respect Marriage Conference
When: September 29-30, 2006
Venue: Blackhawk Ministries
Where: 7400 E State Blvd
Fort Wayne, IN 46815
Cost: $70/Couple, $35/Single
Contact: ###-###-#### ext 222

Visit MapQuest for directions to this event.

We've All Been There...
Men: Your wife cries, saying she's too overweight for the 6th zillionth time, so when you see that great new biblical diet plan at the bookstore you think, "Cool! Just what the doctor ordered." She'll see how much you love her with this thoughtful gift. Not quite! Unfortunately, her reaction is not what you expected.

Ladies: You've felt it too. You're looking forward to getting away for the day with your husband, who's got some secret fun planned for just the two of you! Then it turns out to be a day at his favorite fishing hole, you're disappointed—he's angry. What was supposed to be a time of closeness leaves you feeling as though you're just his fishing buddy.

But there's good news! You can crack the communication code and end the crazy cycle and the simple, biblical message presented by the Eggerichs will show you how.

You see, without love she reacts without respect, and without respect he reacts without love—the crazy cycle! Her pink ears long to hear love; his blue ears yearn to hear respect. Neither is wrong: we're just wired differently, and understanding those differences—and more importantly, how to overcome them—makes all the difference.

Sponsored by Focus on the Family, a name you've trusted for advice and encouragement, the Love and Respect Marriage Conference will be a weekend you remember as the time you chose to learn simple ways to show unconditional love and respect to one another—and set—or reset—your marriage on a firm biblical foundation.

Register online today at Blackhawk Ministries, or by calling ###-###-#### ext 222 for more details.

The reason I keep suggesting this info for Mamasource is that in our society today, we have lost these two very basic concepts taken from the Bible. Women crave to be loved and cared for as God intended. Men crave the respect that our society has thrown away. We simply don't respect one another and it sounds as though your husband had a great goal and enough brains and self respect to attain it and then money got in the way, which it so often does. If you approach him softly and unaccusingly, with love and respectful concern for him, he may see reason, but like you said, he is a different person with the gambling and money issues which only grows worse with time. If you can't reach him, I feel he will self destruct. I pray that you can truly help him in time.
May God bless and guide you,
M.

J.,

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Gambling is an addiction, just like alcohol and drugs. Your husband is ill and needs help. I know how difficult it can be to deal with addicts. You cannot make your husband change. He has to first recognize that he has a problem, and then decide to do something about it. However, you can inform yourself, and find support for your family. Please look in your local phone book for gambling support groups and/or counselors. Also, here is a link to Gambler's Anonymous which can provide many great resources: http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/. You will be in my prayers.

B.

Hi J.. I am so sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time. I don't think my situation is quite as desperate as yours, but I can relate to some extent. My husband did not gamble, but he did spend a lot of time away from home in the name of making money, only to come home without any. Bills did not get paid, we were slowly losing everything, and we had virtually no relationship. I felt desperate and alone. I can only offer two pieces of advice. First, try to communicate with him somehow. With my husband, talking only led to fighting, so I wrote a long letter in as loving and understanding (but serious and firm) a tone as possible. It was something he could read and re-read without feeling like he had to immediately respond and defend himself. The second thing I would recommend is to PRAY. I don't know if you know God, but He is mighty and can change even the most hopeless situations. As I said, we were losing everything and I didn't know how much longer I could go on like that. Nothing I tried seemed to help or get through to him at all. But the power of God is amazing. He worked through some of my husband's friends and made an incredible change in him. He has been more loving, attentive and responsible. It's like my old husband suddenly came back. I can't promise anything to you except that God will work according to His will, either by dealing with your husband or by working within you. Just hang in there, and please feel free to send me a personal e-mail if you want to talk more. God bless you.

Hi J.,
I don't know that I can be of much help, but I want you to know you are not alone in this.

You cannot help him if he doesn't want help so you need to help yourself and youd daughter. There are resources out there to help. Sometimes leaving will make them wake up, other times it does not. God be with you in this difficult time!

I would contact a gambling hotline, and ask some advise. There are several I know that have popped up especially since poker became a big game on tv. And you might want to get a separate bank account that he does not have access to, and transfer money that you need to pay bills and live on into that and take over paying them so they get paid on time. I would also talk with his friends who may be helping to support this addiction and tell them it is hurting your family and you need their help to get through to your husband. The other thing would be to stage an intervention with friends and family, and tell him that he needs to get help. And if all else fails tell him that you are going to be asking him to leave, and filing for temporary child support from him to help with your monthly expenses til he gets help for his addiction. It will need to be something that is a shock to him and make him think about what he is throwing away. I hope things work out for you.