Need Advice on Moving Out...

I'm a step mom, and blended families are common to me, as I also come from one. First, let me say that this is advice - not an attempt to make you feel bad. I say that only because I think you've missed something important. Modeling to your children (both blended, and biological) that your marriage comes 1st. It's been an adjustment we've had to make as well. While our children (biological, and step) are our world, our "world" can't exist without balance and a foundation for that balance. Thus, a strong bond between mom/dad must exist. The kids can NOT see you having a powerstruggle over them, OR chaos will ensue. Between you and hubby - and between you and kids, both biological and step - the reason? The kids see that you two can't manage your situation, so how could you manage them? Sounds harsh, but it's real. I would not suggest moving out - this models to the kids that it's ok to step away from a struggle for a few months to try to fix it - and if it works, then ok but if not, then we've given up on the idea. You married this man because you love him, and his values. The problem seems to be in a disagreement on how each of you want to raise your biological children. There's easily room to repair that - with counseling, and some compromise. I would say that you would benefit greatly as a FAMILY from therapy. You can't make this about you and him - this is about a family that needs to come together as one. Also, it's not reality to expect the kids to get along with each other perfectly, or with each of you perfectly - that would be nice - but this isn't the movies!!! Reality is - you can only expect from your kids what you offer them. You are not required as a "step mom" to LOVE his kids as you do yours, or even LOVE them at all, you have to ACCEPT them, as he does yours. Same goes for each relationship between children. They didn't ask for this - you did, so setting up a standard of kindness would work - nothing says they have to adopt the step-sibling as their own flesh and blood. I had this problem - I've been where you are, and it is NOT EASY. I feel for you, and I hope you give consideration to sticking it out. The reason I hope this is because you're modeling "sticking it out" to your kids, and "finding a solution". Both are great things to teach your children, and his. I also recommend going out as soon as time permits and buying the book "Step-motherhood" by Cheri Burns - here's a direct link to it on Amazon... http://www.amazon.com/Stepmotherhood-Survive-Feeling-Frus... I'm rooting for you - I'm cheering you on, and I don't even know you! Please write back on the forum to let us know how this works out for you. I hope you accept my advice and comments as they are - sincere from someone who's been there. BTW - I'm happy, and we now have a child together. It's great. Something my grandfather told me when I was little - never made since to me until this marriage.... "Start as you will go" He meant - start things how you want them to finish - this applies to my marriage 100% now. I started it happy and in love, and I plan to make sure that we both see that out to the very end, no matter the obsticle. One day our kids will be grown and gone, and we'll be back to us.

A. - this is an edit to my comments in effort to also say - that of course if anyone is "unsafe" in an "unhealthy" environment - then getting out to better your own family is the way to go without question. However, from your comments above - it seems this is more of a daily struggle with discipline, agreements, etc. Not a drinking or otherwise abusive relationship. I didn't want to seem like I live in a wonderland!! I just feel like from what you've written above - you two really love each other - and I am keeping my fingers crossed for you that you find it within yourselves to make things work out - I trust they will!

I feel for you as I am in a similar situation. I don't know of any answers really, I have a daughter from a previous relationship, she is 16, she and my husband have lived together since she was 5 and they fight all the time! Which makes us argue as well. Her treats her different than our 2 children together who are 9 & 10. It is very difficult to blend a family, but I know it is possible for some people. If you are not BOTH willing to make sacrifices and changes it will not work and to move out, even if temporary, will give you the space maybe you need to sort things out. It would be nice to know of a support group for people in our situations, instead of it always being a "divorce" sort of group.
I read someone else's response to you and she way saying how you have to fight for it, well, that is all fine and dandy if your both the fighting type. There are many different things to take into consideration as to whether to work it out or walk out! My husband is a BIG drinker, that is something I don't want for my kids, so I don't look at leaving like I am teaching my kids to quit anything. It may teach them that other peoples choices don't have to ruin you! I will keep watching to see what others post, but maybe we ought to start a support group for people "on the fence" about what is the right move!

Hi A., I'm not sure if I can help or not but I would like to try. I'm not sure where high point is,but if you look at some apartment's there are some that go by your income and don't look at your credit a hole lot. I divorced my first husband about 8 years ago we have 2 children togeather plus he had custody of 2 boy's from his first marriage. It was really hard to leave becausae I had became a mother to them as well and was really hard to leave. But I had my own 2 to think about and thing's wern't going great there for them either.
I managed to get into an apartment that went by my income and at the time I wasn't working so for awhile my rent was $7.00 a month plus utilities but it was pretty good. At least untill I got on my feet but it's not easy. So you might look around for a place like that or go through your trustie sometimes they can help or the welfare office.
I hope some of this help's you out if you need to talk send me an e-mail anytime at ____@____.com luck to you,
C.

A., if you think it may help, you should try going to church as a large family! i have a daughter by a former marriage, and a new baby, and our family did NOT start to Gel until we went to church for the first time as a family. it was so moving i cried!!!! Seeing everyone stand and sing (we have a rock band on stage at our church!)
I think a "biblical" experience may help you!
Let me know if you want to come to ours, our church is at the YMCA! very progressive!
Good luck!

A.-

Look into HUD subsidized apartments. I had one on Mann Rd (Manchester Village) for a couple years, it was actually a pretty nice place to live, not trashy or ghettoish, pretty inexpensive for the space. I had a 1000 sq ft 1 1/2 bath townhome for $447 a month (it's based on your income). When I got to where I was making more than $25K a year I got maxed out on the monthly rent at $511. Not too shabby, my next door neighbors were super loud though and it didn't seem to matter that I complained. I found out later the guy who lived next door was the nephew of one of the office ladies there. There are a lot of properties like that out there though, you just have to look a little harder to find them. Good luck!

A., I have not been in this situation, but I just wanted to add my vote for what Sarah had to say. I think she hit the nail on the head, and I am rooting you on as well to stay and find a solution. I think family counceling is the best idea right now. And if you were planning to go to counceling anyway while you were moved out, it will actually save you money to do it immediately without setting up a second temporary household in the meantime. I can understand your desire to get away from the fighting for a while, but I think it will only lead to a more permanent separation. And Sarah is absolutly right about the message that would send to your kids. So before you starting calling around for apartments, make a few calls for a good family councelor and see what that can do for you first.

Are you sure moving out is the best thing. Do you realy love him as much as you say? If you do stop thinking of running away and get counseling now not later. For your kids sake family counseling with or with out your husband is what you and the children need. My only child was 6 when i moved in with my husband. He had 2 children of his own plus a step son he visited with from his first wife. We have now been together for 15 years The children are grown and so are we. There were times I thought of moving out. BUt I found the most wonderful man in the world and as much as I love my child I also needed some one for me. It was hard going and still is when it comes to all 3 children. But therapy is what you need. They dont solve your problems but they do give you an outsiders view and an open honest ear to listen to your troubles. Sometimes that is all a wife and mother realy needs. Remember if you love him that much dont give up with out trying to hold on first. If your not sure about your love then move on. But eventually thids kids grow up and move on. then what do you have?

Dear A.,
I am an older mom, but unless you are in danger, I would not move out. I have given this advice many times on this site, but here it is once again. Whenever something is broken or even starts to break down and is not working right, go back to the "marriage manual", the Bible. I would take the money you might spend on an apartment and go to this marriage conference called "Love and Respect". Arguments don't work and you've got to find out how to communicate and relate to one another. There really are solid answers out there for the messes we get ourselves into. I am sending the conference information below and my prayers that you and your husband will make a great home for all of those beautiful children you adore.
Blessings,
M. J.

Focus on the Family is sponsoring the Love and Respect Marriage Conference in Fort Wayne, Indiana, September 29-30.

Dear Focus Friend,

Dr. Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs present the Love and Respect Marriage Conference, a dynamic, high-energy, practical seminar designed to help even the most troubled marriages obey the command of Ephesians 5:33, "... each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself and the wife must respect her husband."

Who: Dr. Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs
What: Love and Respect Marriage Conference
When: September 29-30, 2006
Venue: Blackhawk Ministries
Where: 7400 E State Blvd
Fort Wayne, IN 46815
Cost: $70/Couple, $35/Single
Contact: ###-###-#### ext 222

Visit MapQuest for directions to this event.

We've All Been There...
Men: Your wife cries, saying she's too overweight for the 6th zillionth time, so when you see that great new biblical diet plan at the bookstore you think, "Cool! Just what the doctor ordered." She'll see how much you love her with this thoughtful gift. Not quite! Unfortunately, her reaction is not what you expected.

Ladies: You've felt it too. You're looking forward to getting away for the day with your husband, who's got some secret fun planned for just the two of you! Then it turns out to be a day at his favorite fishing hole, you're disappointed—he's angry. What was supposed to be a time of closeness leaves you feeling as though you're just his fishing buddy.

But there's good news! You can crack the communication code and end the crazy cycle and the simple, biblical message presented by the Eggerichs will show you how.

You see, without love she reacts without respect, and without respect he reacts without love—the crazy cycle! Her pink ears long to hear love; his blue ears yearn to hear respect. Neither is wrong: we're just wired differently, and understanding those differences—and more importantly, how to overcome them—makes all the difference.

Sponsored by Focus on the Family, a name you've trusted for advice and encouragement, the Love and Respect Marriage Conference will be a weekend you remember as the time you chose to learn simple ways to show unconditional love and respect to one another—and set—or reset—your marriage on a firm biblical foundation.

Register online today at Blackhawk Ministries, or by calling ###-###-#### ext 222 for more details.

Featured Speakers:

Dr. Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs

Excited and burdened about male and female communication, Dr. Eggerichs launched the Love and Respect Marriage Conferences in August 1999 to serve husbands and wives. He received a B.A. in Biblical Studies and a M.A. in Communications from Wheaton College and Graduate School, a Master in Divinity from Dubuque Seminary and a Ph.D. from Michigan State University in Child and Family Ecology.

Emerson and his wife Sarah have 3 adult children: Jonathan, David and Joy.

Featured Resources:

Love and Respect
by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs (Hardback)

If you read one marriage book this year, make it this one! This is a must-read for wives and for husbands. Learn the key to communication that every couple seeks, yet few ever find: unconditional love must be joined by unconditional respect.

Suggested Donation: $22 US
Request this resource

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Love and Respect Workbook
by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs (Paperback)

Today you and your mate can start fresh with the dynamic, interactive guidance from Dr. Eggerichs. This workbook is a tool to coach couples through the process to create their personal plan for success using Dr. Eggerich's tried-and-true principles and application tips to grow their marriage.

Great for couples and small groups!

Suggested Donation: $14 US
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I would check the local paper, and check with the local colleges. Usually people list apartment/house rentals and they do not require a credit check. I too have less than perfect credit, and I just checked with a local college their office of student services and they gave me a listing of local rentals, and we found a great place that is perfect for our family, and she did not require a credit check, or even a deposit, which is probably unusual. I hope this works for you and I hope that you and your husband are able to work things out. It might be good to have some time apart and meet with a counselor to try to resolve your issues.