Help! My Three Year Old Throws Fits ALL the TIME! How Can I Put an End to This?

You give so many mamas and grannies something to look forward to as their babies turn grow toward toddlerhood! Some kids just have much stronger wills than others. It sounds as though you are really doing your best.

I would try two things. One would be a behavior modification chart, or maybe even two charts: one for cooperating when leaving the activity, and one for reducing the screaming. Both of these will require that you notice and appreciate as many occasions as possible when your child is NOT engaged in the undesirable behavior, so this might take some real effort and "training" on your part. Give him a choice of stickers or colored stars to put on his chart every time you acknowledge him. Giving him strokes for being calm and cooperative can add real value to those behaviors for him.

The other would be to work out a CONTRACT that he can actually sign (with a pencil, thumbprint, or sticker) before you leave for the activity. Make it clear that you are doing the activity to make him happy, and in return YOU NEED him to try to make YOU happy, too. There can be a reward for compliance that you can agree to ahead of time and give him on the way home, and a consequence for tantrums, such as no more special outings for some length of time that you think would be meaningful to him. Work it out together, ASKING HIM WHAT HE THINKS WOULD BE FAIR if he were the parent. Put it in writing, read it to him, ask him to summarize if he is able, ask if he agrees, and then ask him to sign it.

Then, before you leave your driveway, show him the contract, and if he is verbal enough, ask him to repeat what the agreement was. If he can't express that, read the main points again and ask if he still agrees (if not, stay home). Before you unbuckle him at the destination, do the process again. Halfway through your activity time, repeat again. Five minutes before leaving, repeat, and remind him that HE AGREES that you need his cooperation, even though you know he would really like to stay.

Then, if the meltdown occurs again, follow your usual pattern, and remind him after he calms down that he knew what he agreed to, and you are sorry that he chose to behave otherwise. Now you won't do anything special for awhile. AND you will give him a chance to try again in X weeks.

I helped a mom implement this contract process a few years ago. By the third or fourth cycle, the negative behavior became much more tolerable. It's hard to know if her daughter would have passed that phase anyway, but we both sensed that the contract was helpful.

Just thought of a couple of additional points.

(1) If you use the contract, let your son watch you employ contracts with other family members, too. You and your husband can set a great example of how delighted everyone is with a successful contract.

(2) Consistency is incredibly important when dealing with a behavior you want to change - you probably know this already. But if you give in a little bit sometimes, you will set yourself up for a long, slow struggle.

(3) Observe whether you give your son as much latitude as possible in everyday family life. Give him as many choices as you can, and periods of completely free play if this isn't already the case. Young children have so few opportunities to exercise freedom. He may have less-than-average tolerance for being controlled and manipulated, and it could be that the events you describe are the last straw for him.

(4) While he is throwing a tantrum, do not let him see you react with anything but patience. Some kids gain a sense of power from pushing their parents' buttons.

Good luck.

I've been thinking about this for a day now and the biggest thing I want to say to you is...your son is normal. I know that not every child reacts this badly and that you feel he is abnormal, but for his personality he is absolutely normal. My son was the same way at three. He is 6 now and he is so great about leaving things 97% of the time. The 3% he isn't great, it isn't like it was when he was 3 and it turns around quickly.

So...here is what I did with my passionate 3 year old son...not at first...like you, it took me a while to take control back. When it was time to go, I'd give him a warning. Then when it was time to go he'd start procrastinating or pitching a fit. The first thing I did...before I sounded the leaving horn, is to make sure I'd said good-bye to my friends and whoever I was talking to so I was not distracted or saying I was going without looking like it...if we had a lot of stuff I'd get it in the car first. So, I'd say let's go and he'd start to throw a fit. I'd pick him up and carry him out with him kicking and screaming.

Yes, people were staring. Those who either have compliant kids or no kids or are too old to remember their own kids, would be thinking all sorts of things I'm sure. That's their problem. Those with kids who were similar were probably silently cheering me on. Again, that's their thing. I couldn't let appearances or anyone's opinions dictate what I needed to do.

If your son likes putting himself in the car seat, tell him when he acts like a big boy he can, but if he doesn't you do it. It took months...my son learning that no matter what he did, it still ended in the same result. It also took him a while because he is so passionate...or as you say "strong willed". That strong will is what leaders are made of after they've learned to turn it around for good. So don't break his will, rather mold it and bend it. Calmness and consistency is key.

Regarding spanking to reduce the screaming. Be careful with this. You never want to teach him not to express himself, but you can coach him how to do it appropriately. You may want to have him scream in his pillow so he doesn't hurt his ears...really yours but since he's thinking of himself and ot you, he probably won't care. Spanking is an effective form of discipline but should not be done reactively without warning. You may explain to him that if he continues to scream, he will get a spanking and then give him a chance to stop. I just find that when my son was emotional already, spanking would just get lost in the mix of emotions. The screaming is to get your reaction and attention. If he does not get it, it will stop.

Some of this may be escalated by the new competition in the house, but know you aren't the only one with a kid that acts this way. I realize now that my son needed boundaries and coaching to get him to understand and learn how to leave. I couldn't expect him to do something that was just against his nature...his wonderful, strong-willed, passionate nature.

D.,
Once you and your husband have threaten your son always and I do mean always follow through. Kids are smart and if you don't do what you say you're going to do then they think that they can do as they want and nothing will happen to them. Remember that for every action there is a reaction. Sometimes it is good and sometime it is not good. He is testing his limits and when you don't follow through he figures it is free reign. Make sure that you only give him one warning and not a bunch of them. It will not hurt to swat his butt once in awhile either. You don't have to do it real hard just enough to get his attention.

Kids need to know that they are loved and that someone is going to show them what is right and what is wrong. This is done through showing them that you will do what you are going to do and that if they do something that is wrong you will let them know through discipline. I know that this is a hard lesson to learn as a parent but it is a very important one for our children as they are our future.

God be with you and have the strength to do the right thing!

B., mother of two grandmother of seven.

I remember this age. It's a nightmare some days.

Choices. Do you want to get in the car seat yourself or have Mommy put you in the seat? Do you want to have Daddy carry you up the stairs or can you do it yourself? Over and over and over. You can add the tag line, "You decide." "I can see that you choose to have Daddy carry you," and then follow-through matter of factly with exactly what you said you would do, even as he's kicking and screaming.

I don't know about adding a consequence at the end. I guess if you said, "You can come right now or have a timeout when we get home," might work, but kids at this age don't really care what happens when you get home... they just want to keep doing what they are in to....

You are doing the exactly right thing by giving him warnings about transition time. I would recommend the book, "Raising Your Spirited Child", which talks a lot about temperament. The neat thing is that you have a child who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to tell you. Also, he is able to remember what is going on for a very long time (very bright little guy). Some kids need a lot of warnings about transitions--you will be helping him for school adjustment by using your warning system--maybe even including a sort of count down... (10 minutes, 5 minutes, 2 minutes)

For teeth flossing, for my then 3 year old (this is not exaggeration) we would say, "Do you want to do this the easy way or the crying/angry way?" Sometimes she would actually say, "the crying/angry way" and throw a fit the whole time we flossed her teeth. Pretty soon, though, we didn't even need to ask. We just flossed her teeth and it was over.

Good Luck. I was especially in love with trying to get the 30 pound screaming toddler into the car seat. Isn't that a treat?

check out the book 1-2-3 magic. -it will come in handy when your twins start raising hell too :) it's worked well for us. you and your husband should both read it, you definately need to be in the same page if you try it. my 3 year old does the same thing sometimes, i think it should be called the terrible 3's! anyway, the book has been wonderful... we feel more in control of our emotions, i know how frustrating it is! good luck!