Help Need Advice on 15 Month Old Having a Bad Mood Please!!!

My son is 18 months old and he is doing all that too...its so frusterating right now, I know.

Everyone keeps telling me that he is just trying to communicate with us - that and this is the age when the world revolves around them. They all say to just ignore the tantrums and they will pass...

I have no idea...still learning myself...if you get great insight...let me know...

T.,

Let me tell you, I have been there. Even though all kids don't experience this, yours is very normal, and this is not your fault that he is bahaving this way, nor is it his fault. Your son's temper is easily aroused (just like my daughter). I'm sure his displays of anger or frustration are generally short-lived, though. Of course it may seem like your child picks the absolute worst times to throw fits — in the middle of the grocery store, at the airport in front of your mother-in-law — and it's up to you to experiment with ways to handle the flare-ups. One reason that children seem to fall apart in public is simply that they're overstimulated: Unfamiliar people, bright lights, and loud noises all at one time can be too much for your child to handle. Plus, he doesn't have your full attention. When you're out and about trying to run errands, your toddler knows he doesn't have your full attention, which is what he wants more than anything else — and will do just about anything to get it. You can often head off meltdowns during errands by staying emotionally connected to your child as best you can, despite all you have to do — which will make errands more fun for both of you. Making up a game like "I see corn flakes, I see ... you!" and then giving him a big nuzzle as you put the box in the shopping cart will head off his frantic feeling that you're putting your attention everywhere but on him. Tantrums are inevitable — every child has to blow off steam sometime. And children struggling through the peaks and valleys of physical and emotional development may need to blow it off every day. You may have to try several tactics until you find a way of dealing with tantrums that works for you. Try picking up your child and holding him quietly until he settles down — don't yell at him or try to pin his arms down, which will only make him more frustrated. Pick him up and move him to a spot where he can safely have his fit on the ground or in the car, while you sit warmly by, reassuring him that you love him. If you're at home and it's too hard for you to stay and listen to him cry, simply leave the room. If your toddler's fit attracts attention from other adults in the vicinity, you're likely to be embarrassed, but your child will pick up on that, too and he may increase the intensity of his tantrum. Your best bet in a public setting is to grit your teeth and smile while you take your child away from the scene. One of your most important jobs as a parent is setting limits for your child. At times you may feel like a broken record, but the next time you see your toddler starting to do something you've asked him not to, watch the process. For instance, he'll start to climb onto the dishwasher, which you've asked him not to do several times, but will keep an eye on you the whole time. While you may think he's simply being defiant, he's actually testing you, and waiting for you to step in and say, "Stop, that's far enough." Try to remember that many of your 15-month-old's seemingly defiant and destructive behaviors are related to his overall development. When he uses a crayon to scribble on the coffee table, he doesn't know that he's ruining a piece of furniture, he's just enjoying his budding fine-motor skills. And when he refuses to go to bed, he's simply aware that being with you is so exciting that he doesn't want to sleep in case he misses something. Establishing routines, like a bath and book before bed, and giving him ample opportunities to test out skills like "drawing," will help make this period less frustrating for you. Hang in there. These tantrums will get worse before they get better. Remember to stay consistent in your discipline. He has to know that when he does A, B is going to happen. Stay strong!! Don't blame yourself or blame your child. You are not a bad mom and he is not a bad kid. It's just a phase and things will get better as long as you stay on top of the discipline and stay consistent.

Hi T.,
My heart goes out to you. It is really challenging for everyone when we birth 2 babies so very close together.
I think your major problem is related to your son's age in relationship to his new sibling. Your son cannot tell you that he wants more attention and touch. He may seem big to you (compared to your new son) but in reality he is very young. He is trying his best to get your undivided attention because he cannot yet rely on his own perceptions of the world or himself. He needs your love and a lot of patience. His world was turned upside down when his brother arrived.

FYI Toddlers will keep our eye contact while they are doing something that we are telling them not to do because their emotional connection to us is an imperitive for survival (think evolution) but their need to learn about the world in which they live is also a very strong drive. So please remember you son is just doing what he is programed to do.

Also,it is important for you to get support for yourself so that you can be fully present for both of your children. And your son is not misbehaving or crying for "no reason" he just can't yet communicate what he is thinking right now. Please see if you can get into his viewpoint of life and then his actions might make more sense to you.

Please keep me posted on how life goes for you and if you would like reccomendations on books to read that might help, please just drop me an email.

Take care,
R.
Doula and Mother of 2 boys ages 16 and 12 years

Hi T.,

Well I have a 15 month old also and he gets into everything as well. Just try to keep the doors to the bathrooms closed. About getting into the cabinets I tell him no and distract him with his toys. I know it is harder for you because you also have a 3 month old also. Try talking to him, hug him and give him your touch. Read him books and try to give him a soothing bath before you put him to bed. Oh and do not give him everything he wants just because he cries it will make it worse. I hope this helps a little. Good Luck and Congratulations

I only have one child, so in many parents' eyes, I'm not technically a parent. :) :) But my best guess is that the problem lies in the bottom of your post: I have a three month, too!!!

Might be a jealousy thing, a need for the attention he got before the new baby came. I know he's young, but he WILL feel this, and it's very typical. My best guess is lots and lots of love, and try to incorporate him into what you do for the baby. If he's this active already, you may have a WONDERFUL little helper on your hands if you can constructively direct his energy.

Stay strong!

Wow you have your hands full. I can only suggest to give your son something constructive to play with. I use to go to the dollar store to buy a few things and would keep them hidden. When my daughter would get bored or if she'd just be in the way of me getting my work done, I'd pull something out of the bag and it would keep her busy for a while. You'd be amazed at what you can find at the dollar store. Just an idea!

As far as the tantrums go, I can only say have patience you'll both get through them. I'm only just starting to have problems with my 16 m/o. Luckily she's easily distracted and ignoring them does work. They only last a minute. With the cabinets, if you haven't already put latches on do that with the ones you don't want him getting into. Have a cabinet in the kitchen that you don't mind him playing in if that's possible. Shutting the bathroom door may help also. If your little one has already figured out the latches and can open doors, I'm sorry, I don't know how to stop that. Good Luck!

T., keep the bathroom door closed so the toddler cannot wander in there. Put safety locks on your cabinets. Children who wake up crying everytime are usually hurting somewhere. Such as ears, throat, stomach or perhaps a diaper rash. They usually cry because they need attention. Either they are wet, hungry or sick. I would take him and get him checked out. Children that age are not able to sit for long periods so they are uncomfortable shopping after just a few minutes. Hope the baby feels better soon and hope you have someone who can give you a break every couple of days. God bless you.

I was talking with my brother, an award winning journalist, about a similar situation and it turned out that when the child grew up enough to be able to talk she was an unusually, top of the charts, genius. Sometimes they just have trouble discussing what is on their mind. He may be interested in getting the center of attention again as well and with your loving touch he will over come this as will you. Best wishes.

Dear T.,

Your son sounds so normal - but I know that doesn't make it any easier. I have three boys, and my youngest (18 mos.) is in his tantrum phase as well. But now that it is the third time around, I at least have some perspective that this is a normal, temporary phase. This, too, shall pass! Now I can honestly smile about it in my heart as he is pitching a fit.

I'd like to recommend "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp to you. That book really changed our family, as it helped us learn how to deal with the challenges by going deeper than trying to 'modify behavior' -- that book really went to the heart (attitudes) of the child. I found a copy used on www.amazon.com. I feel like a broken record - I keep recommending this on Mamasource : ) But it's a good one!

This is a side note, but I'm wondering if you have a good baby carrier. With two such little ones, I can't imagine how your hands must be full all of the time. My sling was indispensible when I had a toddler & newborn. I'm crazy about SlingEZee & ERGO, which we have here in Houston at www.nurturedfamily.com - This is our family website, but honestly, I don't care where you buy it - I just want you to have all the support you need! I mention our warehouse because perhaps you could pick one up without having to pay shipping. Just steer clear of the carriers at Target or Babies R Us because they tend to end up sitting in the closet : )

I pray for peace and support for you. Hang in there, Momma, God is holding you in His hand while you're ministering to your two sweet ones!

Blessings,
R.

Supporting you as you nurture your family.
www.NurturedFamily.com

I don't really have any advice for how to deal with it except for patience. It might make you feel better just to keep in mind that, while it is frustrating and annoying, it is also developmentally appropriate. He is right on target and acting just as he would be expected to act at this age. You don't have to worry that there is something wrong with him. I have two 15 month olds right now and I'm just holding my breath for them to start. My six year old started right around a year and a half. Just enjoy the fact that your 3 month old will stay where you put him right now so you can focus on his brother when he needs you.

I have 2 children: a daugther almost 5 and a son who just turned 8. My son had some tantrums but when he got around 3, he was able to listen and be reasoned with. Before that, we just couldn't get him to understand why he couldn't do something, he just knew he couldn't. But seems like around 3 we could explain to him (once he calmed down) why he couldn't do something and he understood. He didn't like it but he was able and willing to negotiate or compromise, or whatever.
On the other hand, our daughter, to this day is quite a different child. Very iron-willed and throws way more fits that our son ever did in his pre-3 yr old years. So we are up in arms about her still. Still trying different things. What has helped the most at least lately, is having her daddy be the primary disciplinarian. He is a very organized-thinking person to begin with and he can get her to listen and mind him. So before he gets home from work I just have to do my best to remain calm, because the more excited and mad I get, the more it fuels her fire. It is exhausting. I don't know why she is this way. I am beginning to wonder if there isn't something biological going on. It's like she really is unable to stop herself. I am looking into allergy books too. I suspect that could be part of it. If I find out anything, I will post it. Best wishes.

First, repeat to yourself several times a day that you are a good mother, a loving mother, and that you love your children, even if they drive you nuts.

Second, if your 15 month old is waking up crying and in a rotten mood, ask your pediatrician to please evaluate him for everything - are his ear tubes ok, does he have acid reflux (my child's problem-lie down and have acid eating at your esophogeal tube and see if you feel happy when you wake up! NO!), does he have allergies, is he eating or drinking too much before he falls asleep or what? If he has none of these problems, realize that there are children who are sometimes out of synch, that which the rest of us feel restorative is very unnerving to them. There is a book called The Out of Synch Child, which is very good about helping parents identify areas that may be adversely affecting our children because we don't realize it is a sensory overload for them, and there is also a book called Children with Starving Minds, by Jacqueline McCandless that is also good. At one time, I couldn't go into Walmart or HEB or Costco without my son screeching constantly, people thought I was kidnapping him or torturing him. Leaving and coming back didn't make a difference because the sensory overload from the large loud environment was too much for his nervous system to handle.

Lastly, you may want to ask your physician for a referral to have your son evaluated for developmental status. If his environment is too much for him, a good physical therapist or occupational therapist can help him overcome his sensitivity. It is so hard to figure out if your child's behavior is out of whack with every other child of similar age because we get used to so much and we moms are very good at accommodating our children. I suggest the evaluation only to make sure there is not something going on that is beyond our abilities as moms to handle. If he is fine and the evaluating developmental specialist says there's nothing out of synch with your child, be very thankful, and keep him very very busy. Get a swingset, get a swing, get him in it. Get toys that help him move and keep him active. The more physical activity boys get, the more grounded they are and happier they are and more able to deal with the things that don't bother most other children.

Good luck, and no matter what, remember, you are a good mother!

I know you rcvd alot of great advice already. I agree with alot of this advise. I would also suggest you check your child for allergies or sinus problems. My youngest almost 3 now - gets cranky and grumpy whenever his allergies act up. I can usually tell because mine are doing the same...

Also remember the terrible 2's actually start at age one and by the time 3 comes along, most of these growing pains are done and you are onto another challenge! Remember to praise every chance you get when your child is acting appropriately.

When my children "Act out" in public, I warn about leaving and have been known to leave a grocery cart or 2 in the store and only left w/ a screaming kid...

hi T.,
sorry im one of the last ones to respond. been very stressed. our son who is 5 had the crying in the middle of the night and I would always rush in there. he can't tell me why he is hurting or where. ( mostly deaf ) and brain delays. but there is only a walk through bathroom that separates us. after a week of no sleep and bad moods for both I went to e.r. one night and they said he had a ear infection. I felt stupid, manily b/c my mom had a home daycare 13 children everday for 15yrs. and than as I grew up with them and than old enough myself I also became a daycare provider with her. untile we moved out of state. I do think that he is wanting att during the day. and maybe needs to have some playdoug or coloring just mom and me thing to do. you may want to think about geting him involved with some other moms who have children his age. to play with that does wonders I know.
Jen H

Hi T.! It sounds like everyone gave you great tips to try regarding your son's tantrums. I'm somewhat concerned about him crying every time he awakes. To err on the side of caution I would consider that he may be in some pain, and that is why he is crying. Is he verbal? Can you ask him why he is crying, and if it hurts, ie. belly or head? All of the other behaviors you mention can be typcial 15 month old stuff, but he shouldn't be crying every morning when he gets up. Of course this is all JMO. :)

Good luck and hugs,
O.