HELP Need Relationship Advise

I liked the book "Lady in Waiting" when I was single. Helped me to get a good perspective on the waiting time, and how it can be very helpful.

I recommend a therapist and a trip to the library or used bookstore for Melanie Beatie's book "Codependent No more". I am working on my relationships too. Good luck.

When I was your age, a guy I was very serious with, living with for over a year after dating for 2, and before that we were really good friends, said something to me that changed my life. I was always the type who, if something went wrong with the way I was feeling about a guy, I assumed it meant he wasn't the right one for me. Even if things were perfect two days before, if I started thinking some other guy was hot, or if my boyfriend did something that really bothered me, I'd break up with them out of the blue. I had boyfriends that were completely caught off guard because they thought things were great and all of sudden I was breaking up.

Since that particular boyfriend and I had a great underlying friendship, he knew me very well and knew my pattern with guys. When I broke up with him he explained to me that love is not perfect, and that to love someone is a choice you make. That choice is something that you make on your own so that no matter what comes up, you have already decided you will take the steps to work it out. The part that really got me was that I completely thought that love WAS supposed to be perfect. I came from a divorced family, and always promised myself that no matter what, I would never end up with someone that wasn't right for me because when I got married, it was going to be forever no matter what. So, I went through boyfriend after boyfriend simply because something would come up and I'd think to myself "OH! That means we're not meant to be!" and I'd be out the door. Even if it was something like an annoying bad habit or a clash of opinion on something.

Kids who come from a broken family, or who don't have a good relationship with their dad, never really learn how to resolve conflict in a relationship with your significant other. I never fought with any of my boyfriends because once there was something to fight about, I left them. I was looking for the perfect mate.

I hope this helps you because it completely changed my life. You wouldn't believe my husband! He's great, but boy, I would've ran a long time ago and missed out on our great life together because he challenges me like crazy! He's very different from other guys I've dated, very opinionated, but very good for me. Had that ex boyfriend not opened my eyes all those years ago, I'd be missing out on my life right now.

It is hard to find a good man, but you have to love him for what he believes in and what he wants to be. No one is perfect, but usually if you really love a person, he will grow on you and you will love him more as time goes on. A man has to be dedicated to his job and see his responsibility as being provider of his family. Falling in love isn't just physical attraction and the older you get the more you want your man to have common sense, responsibility, compassion, cleanliness. His looks just don't matter as much. Look for men a bit older- the 25-30 range- they usually have made their mistakes and learned from them by then.

I'd say cheating's a good reason to call it off. And unless you've had a string of 25 fiance's that you've called it off with over the last 3 years, that maybe it isn't really you.

I know when I was dating, nearly all of my relationships lasted seemingly 6 weeks or 6 months, but seldom beyond that. My husband was the first one to make it past 6 months.

You have a son to think about, which means that your criteria probably needs to be on the "above average" scale because he's going to be a role model of sorts for your son, and you want to make sure that whoever the lucky guy is treats women well, treats him well, and behaves like a father/husband should behave. (For instance, cheating is not acceptable.)

There's nothing wrong with setting the bar a bit high, but if you start breaking things off because he laughs like arnold horseshack on "welcome back kotter" then maybe it would be time to rethink things. :)

I've also heard it said that it's hard to find someone to love if you don't love yourself. So make sure you're taking care of you too (and working on an accounting degree will help you get a job to support you and your son, and getting help from your parents is awesome).

Quit worrying about what other people think; stay the course, and take care of your son.

(and good luck too!)

a cheater is a cheater and that doesn't make anything wrong with you!!!

It is very common for girl who grew up without a father or with a rough relationship with their father to not trust men easily.

The added fact that you were betrayed when you did finally decide to trust someone adds to your "picky" behavior.

You're basically trying to protect yourself from being hurt again. By finding something wrong early on you give yourself a reason to end the relationship before it gets too serious and you risk your heart again.

The thing is no one is perfect, there will always be something wrong with everyone you meet, male and female. I'm sure you can even pick out a few things about yourself that are flaws.

I think it might help if you take a little time and honestly decide what is actually an "end all" flaw or just a normal imperfect human flaw.

Love is risky, but even if it does fall flat you're world will not fall apart. Sometimes it takes a few tries before you really do find the right one, don't give up. I honestly believe that there is someone for everyone.

Good luck, I wish you all the best.

I would suggest you go to counseling. You can learn how to gain trust with others and yourself. You can work on your self-esteem. It could help you overcome the betrayal feelings you felt toward your first love.

More than half of the female population has probably experienced this! The key is: Get to know yourself..be self-supporting and happy in your own skin. Don't marry before your 30! :)
Don't look to someone else to make you happy or fix your life. It never works! Take care and good luck!

I am not trying to judge you, especially since we don't know the circumstances of the other relationships that you've had and the "problems" you've found with those men. But, is it possible that it isn't that you are finding fault, but maybe it is the guys that you are dating, maybe they have problems to begin with that you aren't seeing because you want a permanent relationship so badly??
Just something to think about.

Dear R.,
Get the book 10 THINGS WOMEN DO TO MESS UP THEIR LIVES by Dr. Laura Schlessinger or another book that she wrote about relationships (I can't remember the name) and read it.
There is NOTHING wrong with looking for "red flags" in a relationship.
Have standards and stick to them.
Your life will be the better for it.
Look at the library.
I bought them online at Overstock.com for a reasonable price to give to my daughters.

This is extremely common. This is great news that you see this in yourself because you can take steps to identify your personal characteristics that draw you to this person, find red flags and set up boundaries in relationships to protect yourself from being manipulated or succombing to bad habits or accepting a man with bad habits. I personally believe that you can quickly identify multiple characteristics to focus on for self change and self exploration and continue this self-focus throughout your life to make better decisions on everything.

I suggest that you start journaling things that you didn't like about your relationships. Write down how it made you feel, why you think it happened and how the situation unfolded.

Then write down characteristics you liked in your partner, why you liked them, how it made you feel.

Write down things you like about yourself, your goals for life, family, career, education, etc. Think about things you want for yourself outside of a relationship. Think about how you can get those things, steps, phases, study, new job, promotion, making a strong circle of friends, moving, new daycare, etc.

Now write down what you want in a relationship for personality, career, education, goals, family, religion, etc. Think about how certain behaviors effect you when you make decisions. What are you willing to compromise on? Are you willing to change your goals for your partner? Will you completely give them up for him?

Try to find avenues to stay on track with your goals and incorporate your partner into your life. I truly believe that a partner should complement you and not take you over. I believe that women often put themselves on hold and encompass themselves in a relationship. I think we must maintain our own identities and beliefs and have a partner that stands beside us... not the woman behind the man or the woman leading the man. But... this is a cultural and environmental belief, and we each need to decide for ourselves what we want, expect, will compromise for. Will these decision cause you to settle? Can you be satisfied, happy and truly fulfilled if you settle?

You can obtain assistance with self-focus and self-exploration. Family counseling is a great way to learn betters ways to cope with relationships, explore our own needs, identify poor behaviors-decicions, identify red flags and create boundaries. I personally believe that an outside opinion and objective opinion is vital to personal growth. I don't think it has to come from a family counselor. It can come from trusted friends, family and co-workers. I think that counseling is helpful even when you are not struggling. I believe it's important to explore who you are, what you want and how to get there for your own happiness and fulfillment. I do not attend counseling all the time. I might go for a few months, stop going and then start up again the next year. I think it's a refreshing way to look at personal growth and take inventory.

Everyone is effected by their childhood and personal experiences. We learn from our surroundings about relationships, coping mechanisms, communication, compassion. If we are only exposed to specific interactions, those may be the same ones we identify with for love, affection, trust, repect, friends and partners. For example, if a mother may be pushy, controlling and manipulative, a child may inadvertantly identify a loving partner with some of those same behaviors because that's how the mind views love, protection and repect. Logically, the child sees that he dislikes the lack of freedom, the nit-picky nature and guilt trips, but he may not know how to identify affection without those interactions. In his mind mind, he knows that his mother loves him, and that's how she shows her affection. She does these irritating things with good intentions, so the child views this as love.

A person has to identify good characteristics of healthy relationships, identify the red flags of bad characteristics and put up boundaries and learning coping mechanisms to avoid the same situations. We must learn that self-love is more important than whatever little bit of attention received from this person with all these red flags of bad characteristics.

Hi R.!

My GUESS would be... You find something "wrong" with every guy because you don't like any of them enough to stay with them. When the right guy comes along (and I mean the for real right guy) then you won't care so much about his faults. You will start refering to them as quirks or habits. LOL! Good luck R. & don't worry and don't rush. You'll find Mr. Right.

R.,

I'm sorry you've had to put up with some bad relationships and that you were cheated on by someone you trusted. I've been in similar situations myself, before I met my husband. I definitely think that if there is something that bothers you about a guy, then he is not for you and you should hold out for someone better. Don't put up with any bad behavior from any guy. It is a sign that they are bad news! Its ok to be picky. I also believe that you will know when you meet the right one. Then you'll be glad you were so picky! I didn't meet my husband until I was in my late twenties and had pretty much given up trying to find someone.
Good luck!

No one is perfect and we all have flaws. The trick is whether or not we can live with the flaws. You are only 23. Don't rush into a relationship. Get to know yourself, build your confidence and self esteem and doing that will help you weed out the losers from the good ones (with flaws). You may have trust issues influenced by your relationship with your dad but who hasn't. In my 20's I was engaged to a man for a couple of years. I knew marriage wasn't right but I couldn't figure out why. He wanted to marry but I kept delaying. My gut was telling me something that it took my head and heart longer to figure out. Yes, I am married, have kids and all is well. I needed the time to grow and figure me out before I could really be ready to become an "us." Don't sweat it- take the time and enjoy.

Well I think that cheating is probably a good reason to get rid of that one! I'm sure when the RIGHT one comes along, you won't be able to find ANYTHING wrong with him!

What? He is a cheater. You didn't make the wrong choice when you decided that wasn't best for you. The problem may be that you keep picking the same type of men. Perhaps because you didn't have a good relationship with your father you don't know what to expect from men and how to find one that will treat you how you deserve.

As a divorced woman I can tell you that you should never get married unless you are absolutely sure. If there is any doubt then hold off. And it doesn't matter what other people tell you! This is your life. You have to do what's best for you.

This really sounds like something you need to be talking to a therapist about. While the intentions of some responses may be in complete benevolence, you will only be able to work through your feelings with a licensed professional.

R.

You've gotten lots of great advice already. Finding a life long partner may take awhile. You need to be picky for yourself and son. Take your time be choosy ............ you're worth it.

There are courses you can take about relationships - what works, what doesn't & why. Might want to seek the advise of a counselor or life coach. They should be able to help. If you live in the Indy area, I know BOTH sources - relationships workshops and life coaches.