How to Handle Coping with Rejection and Mishaps

I'm wondering if you might try giving the relationship more time before being intimate. The only reason I mention this is that it's possible you were hoping for more of a relationship, while he was really just interested in sex. Oftentimes, if you give the relationship more time before taking that step, you'll have more of a chance to know what the other person is looking for and whether or not he is really looking for a relationship.

I'm just thinking you might be happier if you take things slower.

You don't need closure. You got it. You KNOW you were taken advantage of. Just leave him alone. DO NOT pick up when he calls. In fact, block his number. Your calling him and asking? Makes you look like you are BEGGING for his attention. DO NOT DO THAT!! It's demeaning to YOU!

You need to value yourself.
YOU NEED TO LOVE YOURSELF.

DO NOT sleep with ANYONE until you have dated for months, like 6 or more. Sex does NOT mean "LOVE" and it doesn't make a relationship. You can get great sex and have no foundation.

You sound like a young girl who has been given expectations about what you should be doing by a certain age. It's like you are living your life for someone else instead of you.

DO NOT date anyone until you look in the mirror and LOVE what you see and feel about yourself. THEN you will know you are ready for a relationship. Go out and have fun. DO NOT go looking for a date. DO NOT go looking for a relationship. GO OUT AND HAVE FUN!! You are YOUNG!!

I think you are overly desperate to find 'the one'.
You want to throw your whole self into a relationship - any relationship - regardless of whether they are worthy or not - to lose yourself in someone else.
That's a lot of pressure on you and everyone you date.
Maybe the problem with relationships is you want to lose yourself.
Why? I don't know.
When you like yourself - others will sense your confidence and will value you too - and you like yourself enough to throw away men who aren't worthy of you.
You develop standards - which is necessary.

I think love is a natural extension of friendship and affection that develops over time - and the sex comes in after friendship, affection and love in that order.
It doesn't happen after a set number of dates - you might date someone 6 months before you have sex with them.
Until you and some guy mutually decide to be exclusive and you then both see no one else - play the field - see several guys - movies with Ron Friday night, dinner with John Saturday, concert with Larry Wednesday night, etc.
While women tend to get very emotionally invested in the men they have sex with, sometimes some men (not all of them) are quite happy with slam-bamm-thank-you-ma'am and they aren't emotionally involved at all - for them it's just sex and nothing more - and this is really confusing you.

Keep working with your therapist.
Don't be in such a hurry to jump back into dating until you are less fragile and can handle rejection or the possibility of you needing to break it off with someone (you rejecting them).
Work on liking yourself and having some pride in your accomplishments.
Good luck!

B.

Just how old are you? Serious question. You sound like a 20 year old who likes to be a victim.

It like you are in some mad rush to find "love" or your husband because you are expected to be married by now and have a kid or at least one on the way.

Stop trying to find love. Live your life. Go to the places that make YOU happy. Your future spouse or whatever you're looking for is out there. Stop LOOKING. JUST BE YOU.

If a "man" needs you to pick him up for more than one date? Sorry - you're being used. Doesn't matter what excuse he has, you're being used.

Personally? You need to stop with the victim mentality and the pity party. NO one is going to love you if you can't love yourself. It all starts from YOU and within YOU. Stop dating! STOP LOOKING!! Work on YOU. You need to love you. You need to be happy with YOU. Your partner is not there to make you happy - he is there to ADD to your happiness. YOUR HAPPINESS IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. NO ONE ELSE's.

Find out WHO YOU ARE.
Find out WHAT YOU WANT.
Hobbies? Great - go for it. STOP looking for someone to make you happy.
Don't have sex until you've been dating 6 months. Get to know him. Meet his family. But don't let him slip you into bed because it feels good. Don't use sex as a weapon either.

I really think you're 20 years old - MAYBE 23 and your family expects you to be married and have kids and you're trying to please others instead of finding what works for you. So WHAT if others expect you to be married by now. My nephew is 35. He's not married. No kids. But he's not out there "looking" he's having fun and being responsible. Doesn't mean he won't react when the right one comes along, but he doesn't have a sign on his forehead that says "PICK ME!!"

I wish you luck and peace. You need inner peace and be happy and love you before anyone can love you and add to your happiness.

Stop being a victim.
Stop looking.

Try not to be hard on yourself there are a lot a jerks out there. Getting out and dating again does not require having sex. And even dating for a month or two is honestly too soon. You need to really know who the person is before being interment with them. I know it's easier said than done. But if you don't you will keep being let down as you will only find the ones that are really not in it for the right reason.

Hi B.,

It is so good that you are in counseling. I think you ARE learning, but maybe you're not acting on these new insights as quickly as you could. It's all part of the learning process, and with continued counseling, you'll likely get out of these situations much quicker in the future, and maybe even avoid them altogether.

Example: you talk about red flags---boyfriend living with mom, no car, no career direction. You SEE the signs, but for some reason, you don't act on them and continue to stay in the relationship. When you see those signs, trust your senses and ACT on them. There were too many red flags in this case for you to even give this guy the time of day. Future reference: Anytime a man stands you up (aside from some a true emergency, like he was in an accident and lying unconscious in a ditch somewhere), that's a deal-breaker. No show and no call? Cut him loose.

Your other insight---that you're selling yourself short---is right on target. You ARE selling yourself short. You have to develop a sense of what you will and will not accept in relationships.

It's great that you are getting out there and dating, and true, that is a lot of work, sometimes. You don't always find someone you're compatible with right away. You have to be comfortable and content being on your own, living your life, doing your thing and not expect a relationship to "fix" or "complete" whatever you feel is missing in your life. Cultivating patience in the dating process will serve you well. You cannot be so desperate to find SOMEONE that you'll accept ANYONE.

You have to find someone on YOUR level. By that, I don't mean exactly the same career, education, or background, but rather, someone who shares your vision and goals in life. Example: You're in grad school and working full time. Your last boyfriend lives with his mom, doesn't have a sense of what he wants to do in life, and has no reliable transportation. You see the mismatch there? That was a serious problem in this case. You continued on in this relationship (maybe hoping he would change?) despite HARD EVIDENCE that you two were significantly mismatched in terms of your values and life goals.

Continue with your counseling. It sounds like it's helping especially compared with where you were in your previous posts. But counseling is no magic solution. It takes time and work and incorporating new insights (like those learned from this last relationship) into new ways of being.

Stay strong and keep moving forward. Wishing you the best.

You are learning! Your answer is right in your post, which is great - you just need to see it! Yes, only date people who meet the standard of life that you set. That means an education, a career, transportation, and a place to live. It means only dating real grown ups. If you kiss some frogs along the way, so be it - someone who is a good match for you is out there. Don't stop dating, but do raise your standards and start fishing only from a pond stocked with guys worthy of your time. Live at home for no good reason? No thanks. No transportation for no good reason? No thanks. A dead-end job or no job? No thanks.

So yes, stop selling yourself short. Set your standards higher, and go out there with a very choosy mindset. You're young, you're smart, you've got your life together. Don't settle for anything less due to self-esteem issues.

I think that you need to let these men you date chase you. If the relationship is virtually one sided -with you giving more than he is, it’s not a relationship - it’s essentially a booty call. You deserve better!
I think you should definitely date again, but be picky! You deserve a nice guy who has a good job, a place of his own, knows how to cook, and has a car. Get to know him. Do not put out until you have a serious commitment.
Just my 2 cents...

ETA: Love what Suz wrote.

I'll share my personal experience. I took 'time off' men for a while in my twenties. Best thing I ever did. Here's the thing. When you do find your perfect mate - whoever that is - you're going to be with them for a long while. Why not have fun on your own, with friends, etc.? I love that part of what Suz says. My best part of my 20's was my friendships. Hands down! I would not trade that for the world. Once you have a family, you have to work to fit that in sometimes. Enjoy the time you have with yourself and with your friends. Men should try just as hard as you to fit you to their lives - you shouldn't be spending all this brain power (and gas) on trying to fit them into your life. That's just a red flag to you that your priorities are messed up. Self respect, self love girl. Then the rest of your life will work out.

How do you find that? By being with yourself. Get to know yourself - by focusing on yourself. You sound a tad lost. If you go to a counselor? Don't talk about men. Talk about you at the very least. Maybe find a new counselor while you're at it. Surround yourself with positive people.

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I had a good friend in my twenties who you remind me of.

She had very low confidence but didn't really realize it. She was kind of an overachiever in some ways, but in relationships - was a bit of a doormat.

She always had sex way too soon. Then the relationships would end. I think guys just took advantage of her. Her confidence would just plummet.

So I would agree with Gidget. 100% percent. I would take it way slower. If you have to bend over backwards for a man - it's not a good fit. It should be easy and fun.

I'm sorry you picked a loser to date. You do know that perhaps he is lying to you about the baby, right?

I know that you are being told that dating is a positive thing, but why not take a break on that, concentrate on your studies and managing your finances instead? Watch tv and read instead of looking for a date. Walk around outside, in parks, picnic by yourself, etc. Be a part of nature and storylines (books and movies) that are not your own. If you can do some yoga from youtube, that will help too.

Just because you aren't trying to date doesn't mean you are a clam. You are working on a goal right now. Claim that goal and pad it with things for yourself that help you get out of your own head. Being outside helps. Take Vitamin D and magnesium supplements - they make a difference. Take care of yourself and get into a better place emotionally before you start working on the reasons why you are attracted to men who use you.

My first marriage ended in divorce after 9 years. I decided I was going to really do some work to understand what happened and learn from it so hopefully I’d never repeat the same mistakes.

One of many things I did was determine I would never settle again. I made a list of all the characteristics that were important to me if I were to be in a serious relationship again. My husband of 25+ years, has those qualities.

My best advise is take a lot of time off and analyze. Make a list. Take care of yourself. Stop being intimate within a short period of time.

I had a couple of guy friends and we would go to concerts, movies, bars as friends only. We established that at the beginning of our relationships so there were no misunderstandings. It was wonderful. We each paid our way and enjoyed each other’s company. I hope you can find that too.