Help! No Sex Drive

I am going to be very blunt, so I hope I don't offend you. Tell your husband that if he wants more sex to get his lazy butt off the couch and get a job. I know the market is hard right now but there are ALWAYS jobs for people to do if they are willing to humble themselves enough to except what comes along. My husband bagged groceries for a year WHILE he was looking for a better job because it was all he could get even though he has a degree. Your sex problem probably has nothing to do with hormones and everything to do with lack of sleep and high stress. Honestly, how can your husband expect you to ever be in the mood when you are running around like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to take care of everyone else? Why can't hubby watch the kid while you are at work? If he isn't watching the baby then what is he doing all day long? You can't be breadwinner and mommy and sex godess all at the same time honey! I agree that you need a day off from life but that won't fix the problems. What you really need is a good talk with your husband about what you expect from him and what he expects from you. I find that writing things down help me to really figure out the problems in my own head. I write a good long letter to my hubby and then set a time when we can sit down and discuss how he feels about the things I've said. In order for ANY marriage to work, there has to be good communication. With out it, you have nothing no matter how much you love eachother. Fix the problems in your marriage and you will get your sex drive back. It is that simple.

Ok no I am going through this also my son is 6 and my daughter is 2.5 I was really bad up until lately I don't know if it's because I knew it was really starting to hurt our marriage or what. Men don't understand anything that we go through as far as our bodies they try to be doctor and tell us it's all in our heads but it's more emotional than that. My opinion! Good Luck

Jennifer,

I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I was in the EXACT same situation with my then-husband. Unfortunately I didn't seek help from other mothers on my problem. It got way out of hand and I ended up very resentful of him and he of me. It's hard to be in the mood when you feel like you are the only one that does most of the work around the house and raising your son--especially when the dad is home the entire day! It's funny how certain qualities of a man don't present themselves until you have a child. I suggest not keeping it all inside until you reach the breaking point. You need to tell your husband how you feel before it's too late. If he truly loves you, he will listen to what you have to say and you two can work out a plan on how to fix it. Maybe he can give the baths more while you get a half an hour to yourself? Let him know that if you have some time to relax and unwind and take care of you, then you'll be more in the mood to take care of him. I wish you the best of luck and certainly hope you can work through these issues with your husband.

J.

I may sound cruel to you and other moms but I'd threaten to leave him if he doesn't straighten up. ONE you should never feel forced to have sex even with your husband!! Two he needs to take care of that baby after all he helped create it his responsibility doesn't end at conceptions and sure as hell doesn't just apply to play time. also make him do either the house work or pay the bills for you. could be he resents your control over the bills. But seriously you both need help get councelling.

Also I have to nag at my man to spend time with our daughter because he rather deal with his rc trucks. so don't feel to bad. He works and I don't so its kinda the opposite of your situation except I do the cooking, cleaning, taking care of baby and school work full time. But I tend to the bills. he takes care of the yard and car.

Honestly your husband needs to do more to help you out. He needs to be told exactly how you feel blunt and to the point. he also needs to grow up and realize he can't always have your attention. either that or get him out and find a job of which i know is hard to do with the economy but does he even try? I know I'm harsh but sometimes you have to be to get things worked out. try getting professional help though cause sounds like your to the point of everything falling apart.

My sex drive was very low for about a year or 2 after having my son. Yes, this can put a serious strain on things in your relationship. It is not normal for sex to still be painful for you. Have you tried talking to your OBGYN about this? It may be that you are very dry and the tissue is getting irritated or there may be something more serious going on. I am a women's health physical therapist and I work with many with who have painful sexual experiences post-childbirth. Sometimes the muscles in the pelvic area respond adversely to childbirth and can then become the source of pain. Whatever is causing it, it is not normal and you should talk to someone about it.

I understand your battle of balancing work, home, mommy, and me time. It is not easy and I don't envy your situation of the extra stress of your husband being out of work. It may be hard, but you two may do well to sit down and have a real heart to heart about the things that are frustrating both of you. By talking about your frustrations you may find it is the start you need to get on the right track. Good luck.

You are totally normal. TOTALLY! In fact, I am also going through this... this morning my husband gave me the cold shoulder b/c I didnt want to last night.
I work from home full time, I have a 4 month old son, a two year old and a three year old... all boys!
Once I finish nursing my baby to sleep, I just want to shower and go to bed...
seems the only alone time I get is in the shower!
I am exhausted.
you are exhausted... your plate is super full.
Juggling being a mom, a wife and working is hard. So please dont beat yourself up...
I also know that nursing can caus dryness and painful intercourse. I dont know if that is your case, but lubricant can help.

Your husband isn't working, but he isn't taking care of the baby either? I think if nothing else he should be spending half days with him. Not only will they bond, but it will give your husband a feeling of importance and accomplishment. He must be feeling very useless right now.

As for the no sex drive thing, I think every working woman feels this way. (And a lot of SAHM, too.) Part of my problem was that I really want to be a housewife/SAHM. So when we got married, my instinct was to be the care provider. I did all the housework. I wanted to be a "good wife". So after the first year, I realized, we are both working full-time, and I'm doing 95% of the stuff around the house, and I'm exhausted - what's up with that?!?!? When I said something to my husband about it, he said, you take care of the inside, I take care of the outside. Um, yeah, but how is mowing the lawn 2x/week 9 mos out of the year, cleaning the gutters once a year and occasionally shoveling the snow off the sidewalk equal to the day-to-day care of our entire home? I tried all kinds of tactics to get him to do more to no avail. Then we had our daughter. I had a C-section, so the first couple of weeks, he had to do the laundry because I couldn't go up and down the stairs much. He also did most of the cooking and we let the bulk of the cleaning slide. He's a great dad, but the first six months, the way they bonded was for him to watch football while she laid on the couch next to him. I think part of the problem was he didn't know how to interact with her or got bored with it (I, on the other hand, was content to just stare at her for hours at a time.) After I had recovered from my C-section but was still on maternity leave, I started letting him sleep at night and got up with her by myself, thinking, he's got to be at work in the morning, I can nap when she does, there's no sense in him both of us being tired. Well, then I went back to work, and I was still the one getting up because he had gotten used to sleeping. It was too stressful to argue about it and I didn't have the energy for it, so I just kept doing it myself. Needless to say, I was NOT in the mood for sex.

I tell you all this to say that I think we all have those times, and I think sometimes we bring it on ourselves to a certain extent. Not that that excuses them from being lazy bums. What helped me was changing the focus of my frustrations from what I didn't like about what he was or wasn't doing, to what I could do about it. I can't make him do chores. I started telling myself, if I was a single mom, I'd have to do everything I'm already doing by myself, plus take out the trash, etc. - the little things he was doing. So I tried to be thankful for the things he did do. And to tell him thank you. It was really hard at first. I was feeling bitter, and I had to make myself be sincere and not sarcastic. Then I also started trying to do one nice thing for him a week. Make his favorite meal, tell him to go watch the game and not interrupt him until half time, run an errand for him, etc. Initially that was hard, too - I was thinking it sure would be nice if I had time to sit around on my butt for three hours and veg out in front of the tv. I also started a list of his good qualities/habits that I could look at to remind me when I was especially angry. And I tried to spend more time praying. After a few weeks of making a real effort to do these things, and NOT expecting him to change, I started to feel better. I felt like I was a better wife, so I felt better about myself. Then our relationship started to improve. We weren't as grumpy with each other (we were also getting a little more sleep by then which helped). We weren't as resentful of each other. We were getting along better and enjoying each other's company. And that desire gradually returned. I was the one who was initiating sex. And after this point, he started to be better about offering to watch the baby while I had some time to myself, and offering to make dinner, etc.

I'm not saying you are to blame in this, I'm just saying that sometimes the best way to fix it, is to change the focus. It's really easy to focus on the negatives. And going back to marriages not being 50/50, I don't think they are 75/25 either - I think you have to give 100 all the time. Sometimes he'll be giving back that 100, but sometimes he'll only be giving 1 - that's when you have to give more instead of less, even though it's unfair. There will be times when you aren't able to give your all either, and he'll be more inclined to come through for you if you've done so for him. Taking this approach may not turn things around for you. if it does, it probably won't happen for months, or at least until after he finds a job. But it might help you get through it without completely giving up on your marriage.

I know you don't really have time for it right now, but if you get a chance, try to read "Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs" by Emerson Eggerichs. It might shed some light on how and why he is the way he is and help you as well. It's an easy read - take it to work with you and read it on your lunch break. Good luck! God bless! Hang in there!

I was in this same situation (minus my husband being out of work) I worked full time. I did everything with the baby. He'd watch/feed/change the baby but if I asked he always acted like it was a huge inconvience. My husband had low self esteem so when he did do something with the baby or around the house I would praise him like a little kid, making sure he knew how much that meant to me. I was so tired I never watned to have sex. Never. That was 4 years ago and things never got better. He barley did anything to help me with the house/yard/kid without complaining and making me feel like I didn't do enough or telling me I was a nag. I spent a lot of time feeling drained and sad and at the end of my rope and not saying anything just to make things easier on him. And you know what? I was miserable and he wound up leaving me for someone else about 5 months ago. Will all men do this? Of course not and i'm not implying that your husband is like this at all. What I am saying is I, like you, loved my husband so much and ran myself ragged trying to make sure he was "comfortable". And what did it get me? Not much. I was tired, stressed, over worked and under appreciated. When I look back I don't have all those wonderful memories that first time moms have because i was always so exhausted, drained, arguing with him, begging him to help me. I use to tell him that I felt like she was a child I had prior to our relationship. He never acted like she was his daughter as well. SO, just some advice here for you: I think it's great that you do as much as you do. Mom's always do. But you need to stop and look at the big picture here. Will it be worth dealing with the things he does and doesn't do in the long run? I wish I had looked at the big picture. Good Luck to you :)

Yes! I would say 99% of husbands are this way! First off I just want to say I'm extremely old fashioned so I hope I don't upset you. It sounds like your hubby is depressed and who wouldn't be... he lost his job (he didn't QUIT his job right?). Men like to be the providers for their families and they are just not good at the other stuff. I'm not saying he shouldn't be contributing since he's home but it sounds like there is a lot of nagging or at least anger going on and I can say firsthand my husband shrinks into his little shell at either of those things! :)

I would suggest noticing the things he does do... and give lots of praise for that... sugar coating things goes a long ways. I think better communication could go a long ways also with both of you. I would let him know straightforward that if he did more around the house you would probably be less tired and more in the mood for sex. He might need a to do list, and not even realize the things that you want done. As for the birth control, it may be contributing to your lack of sex drive... maybe try something else non-chemical related?

You should plan out a date night for the both of you and a night just for you as well. I know it sounds difficult but just schedule it in and you'll both get used to it after awhile.

I just want to say that I'm as bitter as anyone else toward my hubby a lot of the time, but I just think about my mother and the time she grew up in when the women did everything and didn't expect anything from their husbands and didn't complain. We live in a great world right now but we really need to cut men some slack and our expectations of them.

I wish you the best and really hope you do get things sorted out.

Sorry too, for being blunt, but....Oh my gosh - who would have a sex drive in that situation? (I can't get over the 1-2 hours/month he'll watch him, but ONLY while he sleeps?!?!) I'm sorry, but 99% of husbands ARE NOT like that. (My husband isn't and most of my friends' husbands aren't.) I know the job-thing is hard right now, but is he spending time looking? My husband has been w/o a job before, my son only went to day-care a few hours the whole week, just so he would still be acquainted w/our sitter b/c we knew his time off was just temporary. And it was. He's a mail carrier now and has days off - every single day he's been off, has been spent w/our kids. NO WAY is my child leaving our house all day when a parent is home. I don't have much sex-drive either, that just comes w/kids, work, etc. I know you can get help for that, but first I think you need to get help for your marriage in general. Your feelings toward him aren't going to get better if something doesn't change. This guy needs to learn to be a dad. Dads aren't like they were when we grew up. (Tell him how sexy he is when he's being a hands-on dad. Nothing's better than watching your husband gently handle his baby, either feeding or changing or bathing them. That's how they bond.) I'm 39 and my dad was the provider and not real involved in daily care but my mom stayed home and did most things for us. Today's dads are sooo much more involved as they should be. Children need their dads as much as they need us. For your child's sake, you need to work on this situation. He needs to step up to the plate and parent his children. He's not an occasional play date, he's the father. I don't think you'll have much sex drive until things are a little better. Tell your husband if he would do more in the child-care dept. and help take the load off of you, you could plan date nights to re-connect but you also a need some plain mommy or girlfriend time. It makes you happier and a better wife & mommy. Good luck!

Jennifer,

What you are gong through is very natural (been there, done that) it's just too bad your husband couldn't be more understanding.

Reading your post tells it all. . . mom of a young child, working full time at a job and at home, little sleep and added stress of husband with needs out of work. And your age. I was convinced in my late 30's that I was pre-menopausal just to be told by 4 docs in 2 years I was too young. But I finally found a doc who would listen and actually offered to do the blood work and check my hormone levels! But that's a whole different conversation. Except to say that you may want to go to the doc and check your thyroid and hormone levels.

I wish I had better advice because I understand completely what you are going through. I too, just went through the motions. But DH and I would at least have discussions so I could tell him how overwhelmed and tired I felt. He too was working full time but would at least try to help. Your son is a little too young for movies, but your husband could just take him to a park or even in the bak yard for an hour an play with him.
My husband would take the kids when they were little (but older than your son) to movies just to get all 3 of them out of the house. *My sister in law used to give my husband's brother a hard time about what a good dad my husband was. I had to explain that he took the kids out of the house so I wouldn't blow a gasket! :)

Like I said, I wish I had some advice. But I do want you to know what you are going through and feeling is very normal. If you can work through it, it does get better!
Without going into details, it is very GOOD now for both of us!! ;)

In good health,

Lori K

Lubricant is a good idea... have used it for years, and it's particularly important now that I'm menopausal, and sex can be painful. Changing your BC pills may be necessary, too. But most of all your husband needs some re-educating about taking responsibility for your son now that he's out of work. I have a neighbor (male) who was laid off this summer, and he is now his children's daycare provider, and their mom has gone back to work. It's called teamwork, and your husband needs to learn about it. He can take care of your son during the day and drop him off at your mom's house when he needs to look for jobs or run the errands he should be running instead of you. You would be much more inclined to think about having sex if you weren't so exhausted--and you need 7-8 hours of sleep a night to function normally. I understand that he's probably having ego problems, but he has to consider your needs, too. Marriages fall apart all the time for the reasons you've stated here. Have a heart to heart with him, show him all of the responses you've gotten here, and get some help if you need to.

My husband and I are going through similar problems. I basically have no sex drive and he does not help out around the house at all. On weekends his idea of playing with our son is him lying on the couch sleeping while our son watches movies. So, I hear what you're saying. It is hard to want to have sex with someone when you aren't happy with what they are doing (around the house and with your child).

I'm going to get my hormones checked in October at my annual exam. If they come back normal, then we will probably look into marriage counseling. We are going to try to fix this, but it takes two. So basically, get your hormones checked and have a heart to heart with your husband about your concerns with your child. I hope everything works out for you.

My mother told me when you get married it isn't 50-50 it more like 75-25 with the wife/mother doing most of the work, but it sounds like you are at 99-1.

You are absolutely NOT asking too much of your husband.

I went through the same thing with my husband with our first child. If you are doing all the work and taking care of everyone else of course all you are going to want to do at night is sleep. I finally sat my hubby down and told him he needed to pull his weight. If he is home he should be watching the baby. If he worked and you were home would his mother be watching him? Even if it is only three days a week.

And believe me one hour to yourself each day can do wonders for your sex life. Sometime between dinner and bed just take alittle time to yourself take a bath, take a walk.....

It took me until my third child to learn this but everynight I either put the kids to bed and then take a bath or on particularly hard days I don't wait til their in bed, I ask my husband be in charge for a little while.

Believe me the best thing you can do for your family is think of yourself first, cause if Mom's not happy no one is happy. And when your husband starts helping out you will stop recenting him and your sex drive will return.

Good luck

Sex is another chore to me.Me and my husband have had sex maybe 5 times in the last yr.Our daughter is 5 months.The main reason I don't want to have sex is well there's several I don't want to get pregnant again (I have very bad bleeding after my deliveries and may end up having an emergency hysterectomy is worse case scenario)we argue all the time
he is working temp for a trucking company so the money is at a constant loss.I'm a sahm mom and have house work all day long.I feel like i'm becoming a frumpy ugly mom because there is no time for myself and no money to buy myself new clothes all the time i'd rather spend that on my kids and have them look their best all the time.Weight gain from breastfeeding, stress,and on an antidepressant.I can go on and on but you know what we all have problems and it's how we deal with them is what will help us get through.I feel that a divorce will come into play we have 3 beautiful children and if we don't get help that I do belive we need because hes a man and refuses to go then our children will suffer from our actions.My husband does take care of the kids even if its not how I want it done or how I do it.I appreciate the help.Love your children do what you can to make them fell loved and secure if your husband doesn't want to help watch them more or help more around the house then throw your hands up in the air and say screw it this house isnt' going to get cleaned today.

No, not all husbands are that way. You have to train them well! (I'm only half-kidding...) ;-)

My husband was a stay-at-home-dad while I worked full-time for about 6 months several years ago, and he still remembers what it's like to try to get everything done! But I didn't try and tell him what to do or how to do it unless he specifically asked for advice--but I also did not DO any of it for him, either! I wouldn't want HIM to do all of my work for ME all the time, because then what am I contributing? I'd feel worthless! So when I worked, I still did all of the cooking, and I did *help out* with housework and child care when I got home, just as I would expect him to do for me when I'm a SAHM, but I didn't try to do everything myself.

In other words, I treated him the way I would want to be treated in reversed roles--and it worked! He is still a wonderful husband and father 9 years later, and he still helps me often with housework, and lets me take a little time for myself without complaint (as I do for him), as well as taking me out now and then on dates so we can have some "couple time." :-) Because of that, he has NO complaints about our sex life!

Anyway, my husband's opinion is that the solution really depends on your husband's personality. He says if the guy is normally a "take-charge" type that does what needs done (assuming you don't do it first), then just *stop doing everything yourself* and let him pick up the slack--he'll figure it out, just be patient. You can let him know what needs done IF you can do it without making it seem like nagging or bossiness--otherwise, don't say anything unless he asks you. And give him some time to learn the ropes; don't expect perfection overnight--especially since it sounds like housework and child care are both whole new experiences for him.

If he is really a basically caring guy and is *trying* to be helpful--the type who thinks he is doing a lot but just really doesn't understand how much there is to DO--then you should write down every chore you can think of that you normally do every day for a typical week. Be *very specific* about it--if you usually do 4 loads of laundry on Tuesday, don't just write "do laundry," write down, "sort, wash, dry, fold, and put away 4 full loads of laundry", etc. (Don't forget getting up at 3 am to feed and change the baby, etc.) You might even write down about how long each chore normally takes you to complete. My husband thinks maybe if your husband actually sees how much you do--and specifically WHAT you do in a week--he may be more inclined to understand how you feel, and why you are stressed out and not feeling in the mood for sex. And he may be more inclined to *help out* if he can see all the things that need to be done (many guys just aren't able to see what needs done unless it's pointed out to them or written down in front of them--the home is a whole different environment than the work force, so again, be patient).

If he's the type who needs his ego stroked to feel confident when he's down, then give him a little praise (don't overdo it) when you "catch" him doing the things you want him to do more often, like changing the baby's diaper or doing the dishes. And give him opportunities to do those things--like another mom said, hand him the baby and say, "Here honey, he needs a diaper change," and then lock yourself in the bathroom (lol)--and then give him a warm smile and tell the baby, "Oh, you smell so nice! Daddy did a good job, didn't he?"

When your husband does spend time with his son, watch them play for a few minutes and think about how sexy he is when he is being a good father--and then flirt a little with him. Let him *know* that you find it very sexy when he's involved with your son or making dinner or cleaning the tub or whatever you can catch him doing right!

If he's just the type of guy who thinks taking care of a house and a child is woman's work and he shouldn't have to do it, then you might have to take a few days (a Girls' Out weekend, for instance) for yourself and leave the baby at home with him so they can bond and he can learn what parenting is all about. You can tell him that you need a couple days' retreat to recharge so you can get your sex life back on track. ("Oh, and honey, could you have the house clean when I get back so I feel like I have time to spend with you, instead of doing housework? Thanks.") DON'T let your mother take over for him while you're gone--let her know that she should help ONLY in emergencies. If he's a capable man, he will figure it out and all of you will benefit.

HTH! Good luck!
--A. (and dh Wayne)

Jennifer-

It sounds like it's time for a sit down one-on-one conversation with your husband. First and foremost, I understand the lack of sex drive, because I think it's something that affects women who have children all the time. However, the fact that it's been over a year and you still don't have one may be a cause for looking into. If it still hurts, search out the reason....is it actually painful? If so, i would consider trying lube. If it's some part of you that is hurting, you may want to see your doctor. You may have some scar tissue or something that healed incorrectly or is causing the pain. Or it could be that you are already tired, resentful of your huband not working but not taking on 50% of the share of parenting so the pain is also mental.

I would sit down with him and tell him while you enjoy being close to him and having that time with just each other, it's hard for you to relax and give yourself to him in that way for several reason. First, list the pain and explain it to him. Maybe you two need more foreplay? Tell him you'd like him to spend more time focusing on you and your body parts. Second, explain to him that you are emotionally exhausted from the commute so it's hard to 'turn off' your mind/body in order to 'turn on' your mind/body. Explain that in order for you to be able to give yourself to him, you need some time to unwind on your own. To take a bath, sit outside and have a glass of wine, maybe go shopping or get a pedicure before coming home so you feel like you are doing something more than just working. As far as him helping with the baby, I would not ask....I would tell him. Give him the baby and say 'he needs a diaper change,' and leave the room. Go into the bathroom, go do laundry, etc. If he then asks why you can't do it, explain that you can but parenting is a collaborative effort and since you are 'going to the bathroom, doing luandry, etc,', he can do it.

You have to also think about this from your husband's point on view. You had a child, now he's out of work and getting no sex. Even though he's helping out (and in his mind, he may be helping out ALOT!), but then he's getting no rewards (except a tired wife who doesn't want to have sex with him). Not that it makes it right...I'm just saying in your conversation, get him talking.

Ask him to do more...around the house, with the baby, etc. Explain that you feel like you have gotten into such a routine since the baby was born that you feel you both are not happy. Tell him to get out of the houes and do something. Then you do the same. Meet up later for sex (even if it's planned!) while the baby is at your parents.

Lastly, and I'm sure other women will disagree and I'm sure you don't want to hear this, but I'd say just give into him a couple times a week (not sure how many times a week before you were having sex). Becuase sex really does make you feel better (you sleep better, you are more relaxed, you will feel closer to him, etc). Maybe not 'sex' but just give him a BJ....or tell him you'd just like to fool around. And see where that goes!

Good luck!