Is It Wrong That I Dont Want to Have Sex?

It's a horrible position to be in, I remember because I went through the same thing. For me the only answer was ending the relationship. I'm not saying that's what you should do, but nothing worked for us. The more angry he got, the less I wanted to have sex with him, it was a vicious cycle that didn't stop until we seperated. That was two years ago and I'm happily in another stable relationship with a man who is caring, wonderful with my son and dynamite in the sack. I've never felt happier or sexier. Hope this helps, hang in there!

I would say that it is normal to still have no sex drive. I've had very little and sporadic sex drive since getting pregnant the first time. My daughter is just over 2 and I'm pregnant again. But the main thing to work on now would be a stronger relationship - making quality time together and improving communication.

Well, it does sound as if something is wrong at the moment. I don't think it's wrong to not want sex. I do think it's not good for you to have sex when you are uncomfortable. I guarantee this will not make your relationship better. He can certainly tell you aren't in to it and that will only lead to him not trusting you. Perhaps you and your husband need to take some time off together and just do something fun, even if you have things to talk about that are difficult you could try just having some fun together first and maybe some of the tension will lift and the next time you "need to talk" it can be delivered a little more light heartedly.
If he is mean to you, you need to tell him how that makes you feel. Nobody wants to be naked with someone they don't trust. Bottom line you guys need to communicate about some things that are what brought you together and start building trust in your relationship by having fun together. You need to let him know how you feel when he is mean and that what you really want is to feel safe and comfortable enough with him to relax. No matter what do not take the blame for how things are going in the relationship. You both need to take steps to build this in to the loving partnership you agreed to when you decided to have a child. Hope this helps, bless you for speaking up for yourself. Sincerely, V.

The best thing I ever did for my marriage I heard on the news. There was a minister somewhere in the south telling his congregation that for a whole month, they were to have sex with their spouse. I decided to try it with my husband. There were many times I had to make myself have sex and pretend to enjoy it, but I found that they more we did have sex, the more I actually enjoyed it (and the pretending stopped). I would look forward to our nights together, and began daydreaming about them. As a whole, it made our relationship so much stronger and closer.

Well, I think there are some similar things to how I have felt in your story. I have had 6 kids, and I know that after having a baby I am exhausted and have a difficult time with sex for a while. For me sex is good when the rest of my life is in order ( I am getting enough food, sleep, etc). When my husband and I have had difficult times, it makes sex bad/difficult. I feel that if you are having sex for your personal enjoyment, you are missing the boat. My husband has told me that if I am not enjoying it, then he does not enjoy it as much...but this is after 9 years of marriage.

It sounds like there are a lot of things going on. It is very common to have issues with sex especially when you are afraid of getting pregnant. With a little one, it is difficult to plan around that sometimes too. It sounds with having sex a couple times a week, that it might be possible to plan it (You don't necessarily need to let him know that it is planned). For me this helped me to know when to expect it. I would say things like what if you take our daughter to the park to wear her out before lunch/nap and I will catch a short nap while you both are gone. Then when we get her to sleep, we can spend a little time together.

I know this won't solve all the issues, but if you start working on some of them, others might work themselves out. It is difficult for guys to understand that women don't have the same sex needs that they do. With the relationship challenges that you have on top of the sex difficulties, it is making for quite a bit to figure out. Try breaking it down to several smaller things and see how that works.

I agree and disagree with some of the moms that have responded to you. I agree with the moms who say you are depressed because I was where you are minus the kid with my ex. I was with him for 6 1/2 years and he treated me like a piece of meat. I was there for one reason and one reason only to him...for sex(and at that point he was the only man I had ever had sex with so I just thought it was my place to give him what he wanted because thats what he made me believe). And after I FINALLY stood up for myself and told him NO...well the saying is true..."if you won't do it for him, he will find someone that will"...and he did. Turns out that him cheating on me was the best thing that ever happened...made me realize that I was only there for sex and even though he told me time and time again...he really didnt love me. Problem with you is even if he cheats, you are still married. So I would suggest fixing the problem before he does something like that and hurts you more. For me it was easy because we were not married, but while I was with him I was on depression medication for 6 of the 6 1/2 years. I was able to stop taking them on my own and still be happy after I met my husband. I have no doubt in my mind that your depression is caused by the way you are treated however I disgree with people telling you to suck it up. I am completely in love with my husband..He is great with our son, does all the cooking, helps with housework, will get up in the middle of the night to help with our son even though he works, BUT my sex drive is still not there completely. I do have sex with him to make him feel good, but its not something that I really want most of the time. I do it because he is great and I love him. So to quit my blabbering and get to my point blank advice. I think you don't love him anymore and its obvious why. I do not think you should just suck it up and give him what he wants because you are not some prostitute that needs to give someone what they want because they want it...YOU ARE HIS WIFE and he needs to give you respect and I think the want to make him happy will come along with that. You need to fall in love all over again, or life will continue along this distructive path until you are at your wits end. I would advise talking to a pastor...I know its embarrassing, but they do not judge like most counselors do. They are great with marriage problems. I am not sure about a good one around here, but I know that my pastor where I used to live in WI was awesome and talked to my husband and I when we had problems...it took awhile, but now we are doing great. It is hard at first to open up to someone face to face that you don't know...much easier online, but I would suggest at least trying it...what do you have to lose. well I wish you the best and if you need someone to talk to feel free to message me on here...I may not be a professional, but I will listen if you need someone your age to talk to....

I was feeling the same way for a while-I really think it is because we focus on the kids all day and leaves little time or desire for the hubbies.You need date nights! Take the kiddo to family or friend house once a month or so and spend time with your hubby.Over night is great!You will start to remember why you fell in love and married the man to begin with!You have changed, you are a mom, it just takes a little planning and effort to be a lover and wife.Good luck.N.

I wrote the following before I read your follow-up, but I still think you would do well to read the book I mention as this will not go away, it'll only get worse. Your husband probably feels rejected, though he shouldn't be mean to you. Try your best to fix this for your child's sake. You probably have postpartum depression, I had it & felt the same way, it isn't the same for everyone. Our bodies change a whole lot after having babies - even my hair changed colors! Really!!

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I went through this too. My solutions came in varied forms, if you are up for it, read Theology of the Body for Beginners. It really helped me wrap my brain around sexuality & marriage. Also, can't stress enough that men really are physical beasts, they need affection like we need closeness. If things are that bad, I can't stress enough that you make time for a weekly date night. It will help you feel close to him again so you will WANT to share your body with him. It saved my marriage, I'm not remotely exaggerating. When your kids are small you're worn out and you have no time for each other & grow apart. Make time to be alone together because if there is no marriage the family is broken & no one wants that. If money is tight, get Grandma or some other family member or friend to take your baby for a couple hours, go for a walk, get a coffee, have a meal if you are able, just be together & interact. This will help, I promise! Suddenly your mind is drawn to one another again, which leads to a more natural physical longing. It really works.

Good luck.
D.
ps, that book really is good, a bit dry at the beginning but really good.

Hi,
Thanks for sharing your story. I'm going through the same thing. Before my firstborn, me and my hubby used to go at it all the time. During my pregnancy I went through depression and PTSD from Iraq. I didn't want to have sex. I'm pregnant again, the depression is gone, but I'm still not interested in sex. My husband says I'm not attracted to him that's why. I feel bad for the way he feels, but I feel absolutely no thrill during sex. I feel its all for him. Sometimes, I do submit and sometimes I do not. I'm not a sex machine, nor do I need it all the time. We all have different love languages and if we are not meeting those needs, then we are robbing each other. However, having kids in the picture makes it hard....our world is consumed by them. I'm a stay at home mom, and full time student, now I'm pregnant --I'm completely wore out when my hubby gets home and sex isn't the first thing I look for as a release. I want to rest, sit on the couch and be to myself. My hubby wants to kiss but I don't want affection half the time. We need to ask God for help. I admitted to my husband that I just feel lazy and do not feel like putting forth the effort to get ready to make love. It takes too long for me and I'm tired. It's a shame that the time I did enjoy sex was when I was in sin. Now that I'm married, I don't. What's wrong!!!

I personally think your last sentence says it all. He can't expect to treat you terrible and then you jump in his arms and want to have sex. For a women it's an emotional thing. I personally think many women care more about the connection (snuggling, talking, doing things together) so when that is not there it's hard to want to have sex. Have you talked to him about how you feel and your hurts? Do you feel if you did he would listen and care? If you could let him know the emotional connection you feel with sex has more to do than sex, and a lot to do with how he treats you otherwise I think it would help (that is if he listens). Maybe explain it's not just about the sex for you. And you enjoyed it more before because he treated you better (if that's the case).
My prayers are with you. I'm sorry for all you are going through.
K.

Why not get a baby sitter a few times a month. Plan a date with your husband to meet you or take you to a hotel. Dress, makeup, etc. like you did when you two first started dating. Maybe have dinner and a movie first. Flirt, flirt, flirt with him. Flirt with him when you aren't on a date with him. When you are just chilling around the house and your eyes meet for just a second; wink and smile a flirty smile. You'd be surprised. Don't complain so much - I know you want to, but keep it to the really important things.

Its different for everyone.... Its okay that your not interested in sex..Just dont feel obligated to do it just because he wants it. You should try and talk to him about how you feel about the whole thing.

You are not alone many many many women do not want to have sex after having a baby. If you are nursing your body sometimes will diminish desire because it does not have enough to make another human. How is your eating patterns, are you getting enough oils?do you take a well rounded vitamin and mineral supplement? you may not be ovulating also,(you will not have desire for sure then) have your hormone levels checked by a doctor. I know Oprah did a show on this
you could search her site.Alot of it can be chemistry and exhaustion which is why you really have to up your nutrition. B vitamins help with stress and depression you may have to take huge amounts to fill up your tank for a week or two then take enough for you. Thousands of women feel this way. Good luck

You are not alone. I think it is the mommy factor and the fear of getting pregnant that put me in that mind frame. I give, give, give all day long with kids hanging on me and the last I want is to have to give some more and have another person touching me. I just want to go to bed and be ALONE. Poor husband. For awhile I think tiredness and hormones plays a big role, then I just remain tired and have become accustomed to no sex. Plus the fear of pregnancy is still huge which leads to less enjoyment. So I'm starting with little things. I have noticed that if I try to be nice to him in little ways in general, he is nicer to me too. Saying please and thank you and kiss hello, goodbye, etc. And date night is getting me to thinking about him romantically again. I would try to take your mom's advice. All men are happier when they are getting sex an he will start to be nicer to you and you might actually start enjoying the intimacy again.

OK. So I read your question, the answers and your, "So what happened". I'm no Dr. but, I think your asking for someone to tell you it's ok to leave him. I have to say you both sound misserable. You are without question depressed, and by that I mean clinicly. Don't take this wrong cuz I mean it to be helpful not hurtful, but you need to be medicated. I know cuz I've been there. You also want to be a mother to your daughter and to listen to her cry for food or attention and trying to ignor it is unnatural. As a mother your instinct is to help and nurture. I think the best thing for a child is to have her parents together cuz children need examples of how to love and be loved. This is not the example you want to set for her. When you are misserable you are showing her how to be misserable. You have a gut instinct on how to handle this. Your gut instinct got you into this now let your gut instinct fix it. But first go the a Dr. and get some anti-depressents so you can make sound choices on not choices clouded with depression.

Wow, how can you just say your husband is a jerk and follow up w/ hahaha? Sounds like you don't take your relationship too seriously and perhaps a bit of a whiner.
He's probably hurt that you don't want to have sex anymore. Good healthy relationships include sex. And yes, you're mother is right, you do have to do things for others you don't want to do, so buck up and have sex w/ the man you once said you loved so much you couldn't stop touching him. and remember, life isn't always about you, sometimes you have to give a little to get a little too! Stop blaming him for everything because I'm sure you have faults as well.

Sounds like you may not have known your husband very well prior to having a child and getting married. At first I would say that my husband (who I have been with for 14 years, 7 before we married) would probably act like a jerk if I totally changed, however after reading your "What Happened" I am not so sure.

Sounds like you need to feel more appreciated, romanced, etc. It is hard to get excited about sex when the other person just "expects" it.
I think you both need to focus on what the other person needs. He needs to dote on you, and you need to try to explore your sexuality. Read naughty books, try different things, get your hair done, buy some new lingerie, make yourself feel beautiful.

Guys usually aren't good at deciphering what is going on with a woman, so you need to be straight up and tell him in no uncertain terms what you need from him. . .not accusing him or critiscising (sp?), just "I want to be intimate, I just need some help. I need X, Y, Z".

D. S., I read your question, and I can understand how you might feel. Sex is definitely different after having a child. But... it can be amazing, too. And I don't know you, but I think from what you say that maybe part of the reason you don't enjoy it is because you are feeling emotionally distant from your husband. This can make a huge difference. If you love him, and he loves you, you can work it out somehow.

However, after I read your "so what happened?" posting, I think you really need to set some boundaries and protect your daughter. Your husband should NOT be trying to have sex with you in front of your daughter, or to her detriment.

Sorry to say, but if you chose to have sex and to have a baby, her needs come first. She is totally dependent on you, and if you are having sex in front of her and denying her needs when she is hungry, then you are at fault for neglecting her. Yes, you. And your husband. You might not want to have sex, but if you allow it (which you do by staying in such a relationship), then you are ultimately responsible for the consequences, too.

You need to see that your husband has needs, but his needs cannot take priority over the needs of a toddler. I'm sorry to be a little harsh, but I need to take my own advice sometimes. I was very selfish when I first had my son, and had problems with his father. I was immersed in my own feelings and focusing on our adult relationship, when actually, the most important person is the child who looks to you for love, and looks to you as an example in the world.

Be there for your child, and everything else will fall into place. If your husband loves you, he will be willing to be less selfish, and if he doesn't change, then he isn't being good to you or to your child. Also, ask your heart if you really love your husband, and be honest with him, if possible. Take care and best wishes to you and your family.

Best,
Nessa

p.s. - You might also want to double check with a doctor that your feelings are not physiologically-based or hormonally influenced. I went through some "mommy blues" for over a year after giving birth. My feelings about life changed a lot when I became more balanced again, too. Best wishes.

How you are feeling is normal but don't put it on your husband, he is not a "jerk". Start by talking to your doctor. Investigate if you are on new meds, possibly if you are using birth control that can contribute. A healthy sex life is very important for YOU and your husband. Do you have a completley non-exisistant sex drive? Are you masturbating? Is there something your husband could do to butter your bread a little more? It is obviously bothering you so get to the bottom of it so you can enjoy your marriage!

It is normal for a mom to not want sex. My "baby" is 6 and I still have bouts of not wanting to. But after reading your response I don't think sex is the issue for you. Honey, you need to get some help with the marraige and once that is better the sex will come. Keep with the councling and get that man to sit down and you tell him what you need from him for you to have sex. Not in a mean way. Let him know that you need to have the baby in bed and out of the room. That you need more than drop your pants and flop on your back. You need to feel RESPECTED and WANTED. Not all guys are like him. My husand wants sex as much as any man, but he knows it's not always my top priority and he'll tell me to just tell him what I need of him to keep things running good. If the house, kids and me are taken care of I'm way more in the mood than if I have 50 things going on and worring about. And pray, pray, pray - find a church and work on that marraige. You guys can make it work, you just need to get on the same page and work as a team. You both need to make prioities (like taking care of baby before bedroom games). Good luck and God Bless!

It sounds crazy but I would go and have bloodwork done and have each individual hormone tested. Especially after having a baby hormone levels change. Not every doctor has the knowledge to do this. I go and get my hormones checked at least once a year. Also, I think it is important to realize that sex can not be something that can be turned on whenever you feel like. Foreplay goes on all day. It can be a simple touch or a sweet glance. Most people can not have a rough day and then be ready for sex that evening. Enjoy each other!