Help Proving I Do More Then He Says Around the House.

I'm not sure how much help I can offer on the 'proof' issue, but I really want to encourage you to maybe join a MOPS group through a local church or some kind of play group. You need some relationships with other women!! You sound very lonely. It is admirable to have a strong focus on your family, but if you are not being nurtured somewhere you will burn out and have nothing left for them. Please take care of your kids mom! The only idea I have about the other is to take a day or so and apart from feeding everyone (cereal, sandwiches) and dressing them, don't do anything else. He will quickly see what you DO, when you don't do it! Good luck, Dear!

My advice will probably be very different from the others. I think you need to continue doing all you do. Love your husband and your children. I think it will only escalate if you go on strike or whatever (it is also childish and teaches your children BAD things!). Serve joyfully. It isn't a contest of who does more. Tell your husband how much you appreciate all that he does and sacrifices for you and the children. Ask him what he thinks needs to be done. Ask him if you are missing important things to him. You may be missing one simple thing that is very important to him but not to you. Maybe he is feeling unappreciated for his work in bringing home the money to keep your house running. Does he enjoy his job? Is it a personal sacrifice for him to get up every morning and go to his job so that you can stay home? Of course it is. Love him for it. Tell him how much you appreciate him. Again, joyfully serve in your home. Attitude makes such a huge difference. Many men have not been taught the value of a good wife who stays home and cares for the house and family. Many men think that value only comes with a paycheck. Teach him otherwise by your joyful heart and appreciation. You cannot buy that with any amount of money. I think that if you try this, your marriage will be strengthened, and your children will learn so much more profitable lessons in the end. I would love to hear how you handle this!

I support what Patti said. You need to focus on you. When we allow other people (including spouses and parents) to determine our well-being we become powerless in our lives and that leads to all kinds of issues from depression to disease.

I was constantly bombarded with the "lazy" programming. What I came to understand was that it really had nothing to do with me. It had to do with some discomfort the other person was feeling and blaming was their way of deflecting from their own discomfort. I "bought in" to what they were saying and gave them the power to decide rather than taking a good hard objective look at whether I was actually lazy or not.

Hello! A mom cannot be lazy. There is no such thing. We are on 24/7. We do way more things than even we realize. If you make a list it should be for you, not your husband. You are the only one that needs to understand all the amazing things you do every day.

Now I am able to respond to others when they throw 'lazy' or any other blame statement at me with neutrality. I simply respond with something like: "I get that you think I am lazy and that you are feeling frustrated." I state it matter of factly. I am not throwing blame back at them. I simply reflect back to them what they are showing me. I do not need to take what they see or think as my truth. I now choose what I want to believe is true about me or not.

The only person you can 'prove' anything to is yourself. The only time we try and 'prove' ourselves is when we don't believe in ourselves. Now, trying to explain something might be different. The intention is what makes it different. Are you trying to defend yourself or just show the facts?

Yes, respecting and appreciating your husband are important things in a marraige. And gathering more information about why he is focusing on the housework could be helpful for you as long as the intention is just to support better communication and understanding in your relationship as opposed to trying to convince him to change his mind about you. Changing his mind can only be done by him when he chooses to see things differently.

It is important to respect and appreciate yourself and to speak clearly how you feel. Good communication means we express how hurt we feel without blaming the other person and expecting them to fix it. We are the only ones that can effect how we are feeling. We do this by examining what we are believing. What do you think your husband means when he says you don't do much? What does being 'lazy' mean to you? What would be the ultimate outcome if you actually were lazy? Does it mean you will be unloved and alone?

Resourcing yourself is the most important thing you can do right now. Being a mom is the hardest job on the planet and if you do not find time, energy, and even money to support you, you will be unable at some point in time to care for anyone else. It is vital that you have "me time", that you have an identity outside of 'mother' and 'wife', that you create a life for yourself within your family. It seems impossible, but I know from experience and from working with many other women that not only is it possible, it is the difference between living and dying. In support of You, T.

i know the feeling. At my house not everything is done everyday. Do if he says anything. I tell him do it yourself. This is your home as much as mine.
As far as the proof!! Stop and go on strike. You need not say a word. Wake up and be a couch potato. Sit and eat and play stay in jammies all day and don't bother to clean up at all. No grocerie stores nothing. Just the bare essentials. Leave food out on the counter and all the dirty dishes. Give him two whole days of that and lets see if he comes to his scenses!! I mean do nothing. Don't even change your underwear. And then make sure he has the next few days off and could help you get it all back together. Good luck and god bless

I gotta say, the only one of these responses that makes sense to me is from Tonya C. Think about it, if you "go on strike" all you will be doing is causing more anger and stress in the home. You will be bitter and waiting for your husband to respond to you not doing anything, and your husband will be more angry that you aren't doing anything, and you two will be divided. I'm pretty sure that goes against your marriage vows. You have to start thinking of your house as your home, and treating it and those who live in it as such. It's not a game of who does more. If you play that game, you will end up divorced and the kids will suffer. Tonya was spot on in explaining that your husband probably hates getting up every day to go to work. He doesn't get to take breaks when he wants, he is told when to. He doesn't get to go to the park or visit with his friends at a moments notice. Nope, he is stuck at a job with a boss. Appreciate him for taking care of you and the kids, and show him how much you do appreciate him by taking care of the home and him. Think of his needs and he will in turn take care of yours. It's amazing how much our men will do for us when they feel appreciated. One other suggestion...read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" as it will explain the differences between men and women and will give you tips on how to treat your guy so that he does feel appreciated and will do anything for you. Then read, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" as this one will show you both how to keep your marriage strong. Good luck to you.

Hi B., I am sorry you are feeling this way. I too had a similar conversation with my husband in the last few weeks and it got me really down feeling so worthless I started applying for work. I agree with Tonya's post also. I haven't read the others but I am going to take Tonya's advice to heart for my own sake, I hope you do the same. Good luck to you and you came to the right place for support.