Help! Sharing Holidays, Guilt Trips.

Just tell them matter-of-factly and move on. Don't dwell on it and leave it open for them to complain.

At some point it has to become about 'your family'. It's easier said than done, trust me. But your own sanity is worth it.
We live 5 hours away from ALL of our family and a long weekend trip isn't enough to see everyone one.
So we have tried to show up where there will be the most people, or maybe relatives we haven't seen in a while.
And some events just get missed. Relatives will be butt hurt at first but they will get over it. We've had Christmas or Thanksgiving at our home before, 5 hours away from everyone and the invitation was open to all. That was enough for us, if someone was able to make it good, if not…...
Good luck.

Hubby can break it to them. You have to take care of your family, and you need to schedule so that things work best for you now that your family has grown. End of story. They can't MAKE you feel guilty. Only you can let the guilt take hold. Things change - you have to put your kiddos and your traditions first. Start a new tradition - perhaps call it that specifically - less of the "we're not coming" and more of the "new baby/new traditions" thing - maybe try to come up with something special to take the sting out :)

My brother-in-law often has to work on holidays. When I was married, my ex had kids from his previous marriage, and we often had a two-hour drive each way to pick them up from their mom and bring them back to our house. Plus my daughter's dad wanted time to bring her to his family celebrations. So we threw out the calendar, and made holidays when it was convenient for the whole family. If that meant celebrating Christmas on December 22 with his family and on Decemer 30 with mine, so be it.
It's not about the date, it's about having a good time together. If everyone is grumpy from exhaustion and stress, what's the point of being together?

Holy cow I can't believe how obnoxious their holiday schedule is! You're a better person than I am for putting up with this foolishness for years.

What you are planning on doing is MORE THAN reasonable.

Your husband has to man up and tell them that the 4 events around Thanksgiving and Christmas are more than you can fit into your schedule. "We'll see you X date and Y date, please let us know what we can bring." Period, end of story.

I'd just tell them what you will be attending and what you won't. Dont give any excuses. Just say, it's too much, and this is what we are doing this year. if they complain, ignore them.

I use to host Xmas Eve. Then a few years ago we all got really sick. it was wonderful! We ordered in dinner, I didn't have to cook, clean, and prep for xmas day! I just told my mom it was too much for me, and that from now on, we were working on "building our own" family traditions without everyone else.

Your In-laws sound nuts. There is no way I'd go to two thanksgivings or two xmas's. I don't mind the holidays, but seriously, doing two of both would be a bit like slitting my wrists. i can think of so many other things I'd rather be doing with my time!

My sister's in laws came up with a really good idea. They had several children and as the kids married and had children and exes and other in laws to deal with, they just decided to hold their Christmas on the second Sunday of December and have all attend. In that way they could all get together then to have a family holiday. Then the kids were free to celebrate Christmas at home with their kids or in-laws or shared custody arrangements and they were free to attend their home churches.

You know, you just have to do what will work for you. I think your plan sounds fine and, most importantly, sane.

Why do your husband's folks think that you should be in attendance for every event? That just sounds overwhelming. Just put it nicely "This year, we will be doing XYZ because that's what works for us for now." Have your husband tell them.

This year, my back has been hassling me. It is *supposed to* be the year to go to my folks gathering for Thanksgiving, which will mean 3.5 hours sitting in the car each way over one day. We spend probably twice as long driving as we will do visiting. There is NO WAY that will happen, so we will stay in town for TGiving with friends and are also going to stay longer at next summer's family camping trip, when we will actually have more time to visit, etc. Trying to balance it all out while taking care of ourselves first.

Sometimes it's good to let go of pleasing others and take care of yourself. Have your husband let them know that since you have another young one, "this is what works best for us and we will really enjoy seeing you when we do". No further explanation.

I suppose having all your family (almost all anyway) in one place like that can make it seem like you don't have a lot of choices about what you do on the holidays. But really, you do have choices. Figure out what works for you and your husband and do it.

The problem comes in when "our" generation aids and abets the thought that we can continue to celebrate the holidays like we always did when we were children and had no families of our own. But it is a fallacy. Once everyone accepts that, it is easier.

Pick which event(s) you and yours want to attend and go from there.

As a side note, perspective is everything. We open one gift at a time also, and always did growing up. Our family (me, husband and our kids) do it that way now, and my parents still do it that way whenever we are able to all be together. We have extended family on husband's side that do not. They open everything in a frenzy and it makes my head spin. That whole concept seems like a giant gift-grab to me, where nobody has any idea who gifted whom with what, nor any appropriate thank you's end up being said. And then it's over.

So, I would say to be careful about your attitude with the way they do things. It's all about perspective.

Just reading your post exhausts me.

I'm assuming you are saying it's your husband's parents' home you go to every holiday. If you were going to *his* in-laws, that would mean you're going to your parents' home. But you do that, too.

What you seem to want to do is to plan your own holidays - days that include the relatives but are not devoted to them. And that's reasonable.

Your husband will have to announce it, and there will be hurt feelings, but not as many as you may think if you both handle it with the right attitude. "Mama and Dad, we *need* to have our own Christmas traditions, and they need to start with our own immediate family. So we're planning to be with you, but we plan to do some things of our own as well." Even if folks are dismayed for a while, you've let them know that it's not anything against *them*.

If you don't want to join the gift-opening marathon, plan to visit at another time of day and leave your gifts. Don't ask anyone to change the routine for you; just do what you've decided to do for your family.

Can't quite agree with you about the gift-opening. Having a mass free-for-all opening (as we do at our house) may be faster, but, sadly, some of the inter-generational enjoyment can disappear. Since you're in such a time crunch and feel such pressure, I can understand how you would find it - what is your word - annoying? You said it twice! :^)

We have children and grandchildren scattered all over the country. There are Christmas plans (and Thanksgiving plans), but they're not written in cement. We want to be as flexible as possible. I don't want my children to feel that they *must* be with their parents. I'd rather they feel that they *get* to be with us, and that means providing freedom. Sometimes the celebrations aren't done at our house. Sometimes people come, and sometimes they don't. It won't spoil my day! I want them to enjoy themselves and not... well, not write posts like this. I hope it all will work out happily!

The BEST Christmas I've every had?? A couple of years ago when we got 12 inches of snow on Christmas Eve and we had to post-pone the whole family coming over for a day so the roads could be cleared. We were able to have Christmas with just the four of us. It was great!!

We've gotten to the point where we just tell my in-laws and mother "this is what we are doing", no excuses, no explanation. You have the right to carve out time to have a nice holiday with your immediate family.

Good Luck,

M

I think what you propose sounds fine if it works for you and hubby. You don't break the idea to them though, you straight up tell them that the holidays have gotten too crazy and hectic for you and this year you have decided to stop the madness. This is what you are doing and when/where you are doing it. They can in turn plan accordingly.

Personally, I would stay home Christmas Day.

oh honey, that is quite a conundrum!....but first things first...what a blessing (even if it doesn't always seem like it!) to have so many options (i.e. obligations) for the holidays & so much family! my husband & I don't have any family. just us 3. there's nobody requesting our presence, no parents/grandparents to visit. nothing...there's a little perspective first :)
secondly, a good friend of mine tried to help me w/this since my family's dissipated, mostly since Mom passed. DO WHAT FEELS GOOD FOR YOU (and your family). all that running around you mentioned makes ME exhausted. in addition, from my viewpoint i feel two weekends in a row is a little excessive! where's the just "your family" time (you, hubby, 2 children)?? THAT'S what's important to me & mine. Extended family is VERY important, good, needed, etc, but w/a 5 month old that needs a lot of attention still and a 7 yr old who still loves christmas, etc., i wouldn't want to miss a moment of his thrills by being hurried, rushed, exhausted. Your christmas plans sound good to me girl, definitely. Tell them "thanks for the invite but this is what we're doing this year, and we can't wait to see you next weekend!". No hard feelings. Let them handle their own emotions about it. It's sad for them, I understand that, but it's TOOOO much. again, what a blessing this is, but of course can be a pain too. good luck mama. i think you got it alll under control :)

Ya, when I first got married we were expected to do something that I got tired of too. My husbands family had Christmas at his Grandmas Christmas Eve, then Christmas at his parents late Christmas Eve, then they wanted us to go to his great aunts house on Christmas. At first I trucked along, but then I had my daughter and realized it was too much. Because along with all that I had to fit in Christmas on Christmas with my parents.

I finally told my husband Christmas Eve is your parents day, wherever and whatever they want us to do that day, we'll do it. But Christmas is my parents day.

Do, what you need to do to make yourselves sane and let them know. They may make you feel guilty at first but eventually they will except it. For the first few years, yes few, my husbands family would be like we'll see you tomorrow right? We would say no and they would insist we try...we didn't...eventually they accepted it. And now they just enjoy the time we have together. Good luck!

You are far nicer than I would be. I guess I lucked out in a sense that my in-laws live too far for us to consider doing holidays with them unless we plan far in advance and make a vacation out of it...which I don't prefer to do over the actual holidays. We live in Maryland and they are all in Mississippi.

My parents live 5 minutes away so we typically spend the holidays with my family. Thanksgiving dinner is at my house (the only one big enough without animals to fit everyone). Christmas Eve is at my parents house because they give too much in terms of gifts to do it all on Christmas Day. Christmas Day is at our house again. The morning is just us and then everyone comes over later in the day to share a meal.

I don't mind to deviate from plans a bit, but the holidays aren't supposed to be stressful and I would absolutely not cart my kids here and there to make others happy. With that being said, I can't stress how important I think family time is, including extended family. Maybe just attend one of the events each holiday with them. If one person misses it, that stinks, but not your problem.

We ended the madness once we had kids. We said we needed to start our own traditions. It works out nicely now.
We go to my mom and dad's on thanksgiving! My In-laws on Christmas Eve, we invite everyone to our house for Christmas and my family and our friends for New Years and my sister has Easter.

"Sorry, we will only be able to make it to one this year. Two is just too much for us."

I am actually jealous of you. Between my husband and I we don't have much family left, and much of the family that is left isn't into the whole holiday celebration thing. Five hours spent with the big extended family with a big dinner and long visit slowly opening gifts actually sounds wonderful to me. We open one gift at a time too.

This is what we did. Thanksgiving I was flexible. Christmas: anyone who wanted to see us had to come to our house We always had plenty of food and drinks for everyone. Did not matter to us how many people showed up, we were home!

I think your plan sounds like a good one and this is a good year to make some changes. As your little ones get older they will not want to leave all their new presents at home to go running here, there and everywhere.

I also think 2 get-togethers for one family, per holiday, is excessive. If they get miffed that's their problem.

I'd let my husband handle his side of the family.

Just stop in for a few hours at both places.
If the in-laws want to drag out opening presents they can do so but you don't have to stay for all of it.
Stop in as it starts then leave when you have had enough, or come by later when they are just about finished.
They can't hold you captive to this tradition if you are not willing to be held captive by it.
Our whole family - we stay in our own homes for the holidays and make a few phone calls to long distance family members.

I don't understand how the cousin fits into this. (S)he is only at the second celebration both holidays? If that's the case perhaps you could visit with that person separate from the family.

I suggest that you go to whichever get togethers work for you. Have your husband explain to his family that you're doing things differently this year. Reassure them that you enjoy the time together and want to develop new traditions with your children and immediate family. It's time you do what you want to do. Pleasing yourself is as important as pleasing your family.

I also think that you could spend more time with your parents. Unless, of course, you're satisfied with how that has gone.

Years ago we did this kind of thing. It doesn't work once you have children. What we did is the Saturday before Christmas was for my extended family. Christmas eve was just our own family and Christmas day we went to my husbands side. You just have to say that you are not going to be able to attend all of these things so possibly ask which is most important to them for you to be at. Don't let them guilt you into all of these dates. You need to find the balance for your own family. Sometimes parents forget that their children have their own families now and can't continue what they set up. You get the choice to do what works for your family.

Don't try to think of how their traditions/celebrations should play out or what would be most convenient for everyone or make more sense to you. Let. That. Go. I don't even think that you should announce that it doesn't work for you and that you'd like to do something different. Just get with your husband and plan your time. Show up when/where you can, and leave when you're ready. Either you'll miss something or you won't. The cousin probably shows up when and how she deems appropriate for her schedule. You should all do the same. If it doesn't work and people miss each other, that will force a modification. Otherwise...not. You are applying way too much stress to this situation.

Here's what you do: You and hubby come up with a plan that works for your family. It sounds like that's what you've done. And then let the in-laws know what your plans are. Don't ask for permission, just tell them that this is how you will be doing the holidays from now on.

I don't understand the situation with the cousin. Why can't she come to the celebration the week prior? It sounds like everyone has to move Heaven and Earth for her, when it'd be much easier for her to adjust.

Do what you need to do. You can't please everyone.

Me and dh decided early into our marriage that we both wished to forge out own holiday traditions. We have a 21 mo son and 3 yr daughter and we make the holidays very special just the 4 of us. My family lives nearby and some years we have a joint Thanksgiving, but sometimes it's just us at home having our own. Christmas we visit my parents for Christmas Eve. It's not something I feel stressed or obligated about. If we don't make it there's no hard feelings (although we do enjoy visiting). Me and my husband agree that we will always do what is best for our family. We try to be outgoing with our families but if things get crazy we just say " that's too much for the kids we want to relax/ kids need a rest". whats the fun for kids if theyre just getting shuffled around all day ? good luck

Do whatever YOU want.
Only go to what YOU want to make.
Life is short.
You have your own family now.
As we age, I've found families doing Christmas on their own.
I think it's just a natural progression.
Life unfolds, kids grow up & have their own families/traditions.
Things change. Mostly because they have to in order to accommodate
young children, babies, work schedules, traveling, money issues etc.

Updated

Do whatever YOU want.
Only go to what YOU want to make.
Life is short.
You have your own family now.
As we age, I've found families doing Christmas on their own.
I think it's just a natural progression.
Life unfolds, kids grow up & have their own families/traditions.
Things change. Mostly because they have to in order to accommodate
young children, babies, work schedules, traveling, money issues etc.

It is unfair for his in-laws to expect you to come to two of each holiday every single year. That's asking too much and preventing you from spending quality time with just you and your own children, with your own parents, or simply doing whatever you choose. Pick ONE Thanksgiving and ONE Christmas to go to and skip the others, or as you mentioned, stop by briefly. Just make sure they know well in advance that you aren't attending (or staying long) at the second event.

They need to understand that things change as their children grow up and have families of their own. Maybe you could alternate, so one year you go to the big celebration with everyone and the following year you attend the immediately family celebration instead to have a more intimate/personal time with them.

A final option is to host something at your house so things can run more on your timetable.

You shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to spend the holidays your own way, especially since you are still planning to see his family for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. Asking you to come twice is too much.

Once we had kids we stopped traveling for Christmas. Your 5 month old is a perfect reason to declare you are staying home now. Just let them know it is too stressful for your family and they can visit you at home if they want. Of course you might need to go to one of the Thanksgivings and one of the Christmas celebrations, but I wouldn't plan on staying for 5 hours. Give them a time limit and make sure you open your gifts during that 3 hours or whatever. You need to do what is best for you and your kids.

I'd want to do both. It's family that is important during this time. I agree that you should do this differently though. I'd plan on going to one inlaw the weekend before and the other inlaw the weekend after. That way you can have Christmas Eve and Christmas Day for your family.

But if they're in the same town there's really no reason you can't do them both like you're doing. Just, for goodness sakes, skip the gift opening.

Aren't you coming down with the flu?

You short change your own family of birth. Ten thirty to 1:00 pm with your parents and then to his folks 1:30 until? Wow.

Can you sit down and talk it over with his folks kindly? Let them know that you want to be with them, and your family, but that everything feels too hectic to you now that you have the baby too? Hope you can work out something...

I wish we had lots of family to enjoy and share the holidays with, it would be so much fun.

You need to talk about this and find a way to work it out. It's really unfair to monopolize so much time at the holidays. It seems excessive to do everything twice. One would think this monopolizes the time of all the spouses that may want to spend some time with their family.
When all of our family lived in the same city we came to a compromise that worked for us. The day of Thanksgiving and Christmas we'd spend with my husband's family. We had to plan around his brother that could not come down except for the day of the holiday. We spent Christmas Eve with my family and have Thanksgiving with them either the weekend before or the weekend after. We tried our first holidays together to rush to both houses and it was terrible! We couldn't enjoy anything. It didn't help that we both had closing shifts at our jobs (we both worked retail for the same company but different stores and that store was open 365 days a year). Once we had kids it was even more important to us to not rush to everyone's house in one day. We enjoyed it so much better.
You need to find something that works better for your family. Only going to the single one where more of the family is sounds like a much better plan and make sure to arrange more time with your family as well. They are just as important and worth more than an hour to an hour and a half!
Growing up we did the running. Start out at home, get in the car driving south to my mom's family for a couple hours, then drive back north, past our house and up some more to spend time with my father's family then finally drive back home late into the evening. It was draining as a child, much less for my parents that were up late the night before then of course woken up super early by my brother and I, then all that driving around and the late night. I hated it! It was nice to see family but I never felt like I got to enjoy everything.