D.S.
Well, his mom might not know. But you do. Time for a talk with the boy's parents. You need to work together on this.
EDITED...
Hi. My almost 16yr old daughter told me she and her 16 yr old bf of 9mnths *almost* had sex.....they stopped as soon as they realised what was about to happen..(sorry for 1st short message..my silly phone did not allow me to type any more) I have a very good relationshiop with the bf and his parents...i would have liked for his mom to tell me if she knew..my daughter and I spoke about what happened and std's, birth control etc....the comments I received are helpful..thank you.....please keep it coming?!
Well, his mom might not know. But you do. Time for a talk with the boy's parents. You need to work together on this.
Your daughter **IS** having sex. It's a good thing she's talking with you. She has told you in a VERY 'discrete' way that she needs help.
Instead of going on the flip and panicking. Take her to the OB/GYN and get things started for birth control. Explain to her that this is NOT giving her permission to have sex, but you want to be prepared so that she can get to her life goals before she has a baby.
If you have a great relationship with the boyfriend and his parents? Then I would ask to go out to dinner and talk it over and see how they feel about this.
I know my husband and I have 4 boys and we've been involved in their lives. We know their friends and such. Girlfriends? Well, since I'm the only girl in the family they seem to want to come to me.
Talk with her about your expectations and how you expect her to handle herself. Where there is a will, there is a way and they will find a way to have sex if that's what they want. Don't you remember 17 years ago when you were making her with your husband?? :)
V.
Welcome to mamapedia!
"almost" only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades.
Why do you need to tell his parents? What relationship do you have with them, if any? You want to call them up and say - hey - our kids are contemplating having sex? What's your stance?
You need to sit down with both of them and discuss this and find out how HE is going to talk with HIS parents about this.
You need to tell them the consequences of having sex - STDs and babies. Ask them how they plan on handling the situation should a pregnancy happen. How do they plan on finishing high school and achieving their goals if she gets pregnant? This would tie them together forever. Are they ready for that?
I'd take down the baby isle at the grocery store and ask them if they can afford these things for a baby and a place to live and insurance and all the other stuff that comes with being an adult??
Right now **YOU** don't say squat to his parents UNLESS and ONLY IF you have a close relationship with them. Otherwise? it's NOT your story to tell.,
The good news is three-fold: 1) she wanted to stop. 2) he complied. 3) she told you.
Leave him and his parents out of it. It's not up to you to tell his parents anything. That's between him and them. What difference could it possibly make if his mother (why not father?) knew??
If it's not this boy, it could be another. Focus on your own daughter. You're her parent, not his. You did the right thing by having a talk about birth control and STDs, and I hope it also included a discussion of saying "no" and what it means to give one's body to someone else. You have to cover medical info, but also emotional. And it's not just one conversation - it's many, many.
If she hasn't had a reproductive check-up, now's the time. That can be with her pediatrician (yes, they do gyn care), a gynecologist (get a referral and have a copy of her records transferred), or go to a good Planned Parenthood or similar clinic (beware of imposters with similar names who have no medical staff, just questionable "counselors" with an agenda). Good clinics offer counselors as well as medical exams and health care - I used to do this counseling, and it's nice for teens (and many other women) to have the initial consult before going into the medical exam room. The counselor can also address non-medical issues related to sexuality, and help give your daughter some resources for making these decisions now and with future partners.
"They stopped as soon as they realized what was about to happen."
Sooooo - exactly *what* was about to happen? "Oh, there it goes...oh wow my privates are headed straight ahead towards yours..."
Come on. They're having sex. She's telling you that she wants help lining up birth control.
Help her to be safe and protected. Before you start posting here about your new grandchildren.
I'm not there yet - but my siblings' approach was very similar to Suz' advice. They didn't wait and stress about it, because that does nothing but just cause you to fret. It's very passive.
So my sister who is my role model called up her daughter's boyfriend's mom and talked. They agreed to no time alone in homes, and doors open. They just made it harder for this to happen. They left it up to them if they had a chat with their son, but the mom assured my sister they'd had the talk about being respectful and protected. That's all she wanted to hear - that they were on the same page.
I think just being mature and handling it that way is the way to go. I know my siblings felt uncomfortable because they didn't really know the parents or how they would handle it, but they were relieved each time because it went fine. I think it typically does. What are they going to say? They'll probably be relieved that you're calling.
Good luck :)
** I agree with MilitaryMom in that really, you should be focused on your daughter's safety and well being - I was assuming you had already covered that. I think if you want to make sure parents are home etc. then you need to take the lead (call).
Yeah, they do that.
And I'd say they are already doing it and just not up to tell you about it.
You get your daughter to an ob/gyn and get her on birth control so you don't become a grandparent anytime soon.
You know how sex works - you had it almost 16 year plus 9 months ago.
The kids are thinking with their glands and not with their brains.
So you need to keep your daughter very busy and supervised.
Don't forbid the boyfriend but they don't get any alone time.
And even then - they will still find a way to get tab A and slot B together.
You don't say anything to boyfriends parents - but if your daughter is talking to you about it then maybe you should ask her when she and boyfriend will tell his parents.
I agree with the poster who said that they are already having sex. She needs help from you, knows it, and telling you that they stopped is the safest way for her to get it. She reasons that you are less likely to yell at her.
That being said, immediately get her to a GYN. I would put her on birth control. Having a teen pregnancy will blow up her life, and yours too, by the way.
You need to give her all the info you can about pregnancy, STD’s, self respect, and how to say no. I would also tell her that there are so many other things she needs to be doing at her age, and learning about with this boy, other than sex. “B” is giving you good advice about keeping her busy. Supervise them, and never ever just assume she is spending the night with a friend. Call the friend’s mom and verify. Your daughter should know that you will always do that so she won’t be tempted to lie.
I have to agree that they probably are already having sex. But even if their heavy petting got out of control and they realized that their desires were taking them from that to actual intercourse, then as stated below. Schedule her for her first OB/GYN appt. and figure out which birth control is right for her.
Also, swing by the grocery store, Walmart or Target and price condoms vs. diapers & formula. Because using just one form of BC isn't always wise if pregnancy is a concern and at 16 it is...(beware baby stuff is cute but babies are not at 4 am after waking up three times sense midnight and now they are having vomiting and diarrhea.) Condoms or no sex...no glove, no love...period!!
Also, she has to be mature enough to pick out condoms and take them to the register and pay for them or she isn't really ready to be having sex. Also, they give some protection against all the other STD/SDIs. She needs to know how to use them properly and every time....this boy is not likely to be her first and only. One you start having sex you typically keep having it with each new relationship and you don't always know their sexual history even if they tell you sometimes stuff gets left out.
I was raised that sex was for marriage, then I taught high school and my eyes were opened to the wild world of teen sex. With my own children there is a lot of talk on why waiting is best and honestly even until college/after high school would be way way better than 16. I can't imagine they will remain un-sexually active until marriage. We are already talking about sex now at 14 and 11...so when that day comes I hope they feel they can talk to be about it and I can help them be prepared.
You go mama, keep your baby safe from having one too soon!!
Just talk with her in a non-judgmental way and make sure she knows that it takes time for BC to become fully effective so if she is planning on experimenting she should consider starting BC now but that she will of course still need to use condoms every single time. And make sure she knows how to say no and doesn't feel pressured, that was always hard for me as a teen because I wasn't very good at setting boundaries.
Why are you worried about telling his parents? Your job is to educate your child and make sure she has access to reliable birth control and protection from STDs. If she's not on birth control now is the time to take care of that and let the gyn talk about STDs in addition to anything you say. Seriously having sex is something that'll happen. Your job is to make sure she understands she needs to protect herself from catching something that may impact her life forever.
which is it? are they having sex, or 'almost'?
there's not enough information here to really say much. without knowing why you want to tell his parents, what sort of a relationship you have with your daughter, with the boy, if there's birth control, what the supervision level is in both homes, there's not much to say other than 'go to their house and say, 'marianne, i've just found out that our kids are thinking about becoming sexually active. how shall we handle this?''
time to stop being 'lost' and mom up. you're the parent of a teen teetering on the edge or sexual activity. you need to figure out your parenting philosophy if you haven't up to this point, and handle this situation using it as a guideline, the same way you do for behavior issues starting with toddlerhood.
khairete
S.