Help!! What Can I Do to Help My Son?

He has good reason to be angry with his father. Do not try to talk him out of feeling that way. Say that you understand his anger. Verbalize reasons he might be angry instead of asking him why. Do not try to make him feel better.let him express his anger and empathize with him. Don't dwell on the anger. Just listen letting him know you understand and move on to something pleasant.

Continue to talk about his father in a respectful way. Don't bad mouth him but do acknowledge that you are also disappointed he doesn't make contact more often. Don't make excuses for him. Be honest. Yes he does love his son or he wouldn't have any contact with him. You don't know that he misses him; so don't say that he does.

Stop making excuse for the man. Have your son ask him the next time they talk why Daddy doesn't call/skype very often. MAKE Daddy answer himself. Don't feel guilty for your son. Just let him know that Mommy loves him, and as for Daddy, that's up to Daddy to answer.

ETA: My parents split before I was a year old. My dad got custody of me on my first birthday. There was supposed to be a weekly telephone call to HER for updates. Once I was old enough to talk on the phone, I was allowed to talk to her. One of my earliest memories is sobbing into my dad's chest as he hung up the phone after one of those calls. She's never been a part of my life. My dad has never bad-mouthed her. Any hard questions I had, he encouraged me to ask HER about.

My aunt (long deceased) was divorced from her husband when divorces weren't the regular thing. This was before I was born. Her husband had decided he wanted another woman. Her son (my cousin) was pretty small when all this happened.

When I was grown up, a friend's marriage was falling apart and she was falling apart with it. I called my aunt to ask her what I could do to help my friend. She gave me a few practical suggestions, and then said something I remember forty-some years later, because apparently it came from her personal experience: "Tell your friend not to lie to make their dad seem fine. But tell her also not to talk badly about their father to her children, no matter how justified she may feel. Let them find out for themselves that their daddy has feet of clay."

So it might be better to help your son with his feelings instead of making excuses for Daddy. "I'm sorry you're feeling so unhappy about this. I don't like feeling hurt either. Can you draw a picture of the way it hurts?" Perhaps if you can maintain a non-judgmental (that means no criticism if possible, not that you defend your ex) stance toward both your boy's feelings and his father's non-actions, you can get a better vision of what specifically is making your son angry.

Angry feelings are all right. There are a lot of things to be justly angry about. You might want to share with your son some things that you do when you feel angry that help you get over your "mad" and go on with the day.

Fred Rogers - remember Mister Rogers? - had some things to say about this. Here's one link:

http://pbskids.org/rogers/songLyricsWhatDoYouDo.html

I remember once reading that he was bullied as a child, and the adults in his life told him to stay cool about it, unknowingly inferring that his anger was actually one of the problems. He realized later that it was fine for him to be angry about something like that - that it was what he did with the anger that was the thing he had to learn.

What makes you think his Dad gives a darn?
Because I'm not seeing that he cares at all.
Please stop telling your son 'daddy loves you and misses you so much'.
His actions (or in-actions) say it's just not true and you are setting your son up for the disappointment that he's feeling.
When your son gets upset about it it's ok to say 'I don't know why your Dad is like this' - you won't be lying and you're not saying anything bad about him or putting him down.
But DO go on to say that his Dad is missing out on a really great kid and you are glad that you get to be with him every day.

I would stop saying "daddy loves you and misses you so much, but he just shows it different than mommy" from what you've written here that isn't true. Your son will eventually figure out that's essentially a lie and his Dad's absence will just hurt more.

I would minimize what your Ex is doing instead of trying to explain it. Just tell him the truth "I have know idea why he would not visit and call more. That's something going on with him, you are an awesome little guy and this is NOT your fault."

Do you have a brother, uncle, grandpa or VERY trusted male friend to develop a guy relationship with your son? Go out once in a while, play catch, go fishing, do whatever you think your son might enjoy IF your ex was more involved.

You can't make Dad be more of a Dad but you can find other men to show love to your son. Really, that is so much of the pain he's feeling. In his mind his strongest male role model doesn't seem to care about him. You can change that without the help of your ex.

Daddy isn't showing love. You can't stop his heart from hurting. If you can get sole custody, do it. Stop lying. Do what B says. You don't have to trash talk your husband, but you can tell the truth like B's answer. And if you can get him some counseling to deal with the rejection, do it.

I agree with Marda 100%.

Think how damaging it is to your son to get the impression that his dad is a loving, good guy - yet a loving, good guy rejects him (or does what feels like a rejection to a little kid). What a confusing message for your son.

I'm not saying to be negative about his dad either, don't get me wrong. But there is a difference between being neutral vs. playing up someone who is out of the picture for the most part and thus you have little idea as to what your ex is thinking or feeling.

JMO.

ETA: I like Rosehawk's answer too.

Stop with the "your daddy loves and misses you" thing. When he mentions him just let him ramble and then change the subject. Those are his feelings right now. And that's ok. Just leave it alone. If you have to say anything say something like "he will visit when he can" and leave it at that. Anything you make up will bite you in the behind later on. For all you know he has a new family that you don't know about.

I agree with the previous responses about not covering for the dad, and that your son will figure things out for himself in due time. However, that doesn't stop the hurt at all. Your son probably feels rejected, without any understanding of this being his father's dysfunction, and not a flaw about himself being unlovable.

IMHO, it's okay to tell your son that his father has some problems with understanding about other people's feelings and doesn't do a good job showing caring attention to ANYONE, not just your son. You can point out that everybody has some flaws--maybe mention one of your own, such as a recent mistake that you made or something like that--and that his father's flaw is not doing a good job with paying attention to other people, even special ones like your son. This won't take away the hurt, but it can help your son understand it better.

You can make a point of weaving some of his dad's good traits into conversations, nice stories of things that happened in the past involving his dad, etc. People have many facets to them. It's hard to grasp that concept at age four, when everything seems black or white. However, little by little, he can learn this.

Above all, don't bad mouth his dad, which it sounds like you're already trying to avoid. As you seem to realize, that also hurts the kids. They can end up coming to the conclusion that since they came from this "bad" person", then that must make them "bad" too. Even if your ex badmouths you, your son will figure things out eventually. That happened with my kids. Their dad badmouthed me, and very quickly, my kids figured out that what he said didn't match what they had seen about me. By their teen years, they would tell me that they hated hearing their dad talk bad about me, and they were glad that I didn't do that, too.

I commend you for working so hard to support yourself and your son. As time went on, my children would tell me they hated it that I had to work so hard, while their dad has a seemingly easier life, which I really didn't want them worrying about. Once they were teens, we could discuss that having plenty of money but staying angry at other people wasn't really a better life. You probably already know that you get to experience the real blessings of raising your son. As tough as it is to do this alone, what you have with him is precious. I read a lot of love towards your son in your message, so you know what I mean.

I'm so sorry your little guy is going through this right now. It may be a long journey for him-- growing up feeling good about himself when his father is making it blatantly clear that he is not a 'priority'. That's so hard for kids. (I know this firsthand...)

I think Rosehawk had a sad but lovely post. The thing is, we can't really expect our children to 'rise above' the damage their absent parent does to them. It sounds like Rosehawk's dad handled it beautifully. Marda, too, nailed it-- we can't convince our children that something they are living is not true. Even at four, kids can see if adults are interested or not. If this becomes a larger issue (and it might) do try to find a counselor to help your son. I'd also suggest looking into local mentoring programs when he's the right age, like Big Brothers/Big Sisters. Or encourage those relationships he may already have with other strong, stable male friends/family like uncles, grandpas or family friends. Even kids with both parents at home benefit from a community of caring adults who love them while also holding them accountable. This won't lessen the pain your son will feel as he grows up that his dad isn't around, but it WILL help your son to know that he has worth and value within himself.

Hugs. I know this is a hard time as a parent. Stay genuine!

I agree with Rosehawk below. When your son asks why dad doesn't call, encourage him to initiate conversations and/or Skype with his dad. Let him ask dad those questions and let dad figure out how to answer them. In the meantime when he asks, tell him, "I don't know. You'll have to ask dad next time you talk to him".

This has many benefits. It will take you off the hot-seat of trying to explain your ex's actions (or lack of) and encourage your son to find out the answers for himself. Also, it may kick your ex in the butt and get him to be more involved.

Good luck to you. Your son is a lucky boy.

I tell my granddaughter that her dad works far away and can't be here for her. But that he sends us money to take care of her. She feels loved by him because that money comes every week unless he's out of a job, which is not very often. He's been able to stay employed very well.

It's the truth and it's the best I can do. She's 9 and when my daughter comes to visit she'll sometimes call the dad and make him talk to his daughter. It's getting better, she's finally gotten comfortable talking on the phone.

As for your past due child support if you go through the state child support department they should garnish his income tax refund each and every year until he's paid back in full.

Be honest with your son. You don't want to turn your ex into someone terrible, although it is true. Your son will make his own opinion of him when the time comes. Your child will see the truth, for actions speak louder than words.

I've been where you are with daughter #1 at more or less the same age. So I understand the frustration and the financial dilemma. It gets better as the kids grow more emotionally sophisticated, but meanwhile, they really can see beyond thefact they aren't seeing the parent.

Can you possibly give a brief trip to see Dad as a birthday or holiday present? My older child loves to travel, so this was a no-brainer way for me to solve our problem. We stayed in a $50 a night motel for one night and I read or binged on cable tv while they had outings. Her Daddy yearnings were satisfied for a while. Eventually, his life settled enough that he was able and willing to be more active. Then, he made the trips on his own dime.
At this age, a 2-3 day weekend trip is something that your little guy can help "plan" (3-4 favorite activities). Explain that the trip is a gift. Show him how to count off on a calendar the days until he goes. Give him a disposable camera to record his memories and make a scrap book when he returns.

Please go out and find a positive role model for you son. Do not do the dad loves you different than mommy any more.

Your son has his own feelings and he is expressing them. He would love to have dad there to do things that other boys get to do with their dads. It is a lonely feeling and it hurts. My husband explained to my grandson recently in a private talk about his father and how he walked out on him. How he felt that he was my husband was not good enough for him to be part of his life and how my husband felt his whole life.

Get in touch with Big Brothers/Sisters if you must to find a mentor for him.

Just be matter of fact with a response in the future. Know that you have done the best you can do and that his dad is not interested in him. He may be in 10 to 15 years when the son is grown. There will be no tight father/son relationship because of what dad did.

You are doing an awesome job. Just continue to show him what a man should do in how you interact with your young son.

A big hug to you.

the other S.

PS Dad does not know what he is missing out on and never will. As another mentioned he may have a whole new family and does not think about his child any.