Very Angry Single Mom

If you get angry you're giving him control over you. I am also divorced with three young kids. My ex abandon us right after the divorce was final only 13 days after our youngest was born. I found that if I just chalk his actions up to his stupidity I don't get angry anymore. He tried and tried to get me angry during the divorce so I would miscarry but I didn't let anything bother me and found the more I let things slide the angrier he got instead. Just let things slide and remember your ex will have to answer to God. I'm here if you want to chat. S.

I am not going through what you are, but I do have a friend who is in your place right now. She has 3 children, although they are young (6,5,4), and she is still very angry and bitter towards her husband. I just listen to her because she was devastated by what he did, and you have to realize that you are going through, and will go through, a morning, a loss. My dad was horrible towards us and my mom, she finally divorced him when I was 17. She still has some resentment towards him, especially when he does something to hurt me or my sister.

We have to realize that giving into that anger (I don't know the situation) is giving over control to him and his actions. We have NO control over the situation, we only have control over how we respond. I know that sounds so easy, and I know our feelings are so hard to fight, but it can be done. You need to equip yourself, and grow, learn and I believe seek God to heal you and fill the void you must have. There is a book called "Do you think I'm beautiful" by Angela Thomas, who went through a terrible divorce with 4 kids, and my friend is now reading it. You could maybe give it a try. I wish I could just make it go away for you, but sometimes we must go through things to get to something far greater.

Good luck

Hi D.,

Prayer, Prayer and Much Prayer my sister is what you should really do. Although the ladies here are available to tell you what we think and how you should handle the situation. God is the only one that can heal, deliver and bring you through this. I'm a divorced mother with 2 sons. During the divorce, I went through so much and talked with several of my friends about the situation. Then one day, I thought to myself why in the heck am I going on and on about my ex not abiding by the parenting time on the Divorce Decree, why am I letting the situation get next to me. What it all boiled down to is that his my ex was angry at me for filing for divorce (for reasons I'm explaining to my sons as they get older). So to get back at me he decided to take it out on our sons. I'm sure he knows thathe would eventually have to answer to our two sons, cause they had plenty of questions as to why couldn't they spend time with their dad, why did daddy get to keep the house, why doesn't he call. So, instead of complaining and whinning about the situation, I turned it over to God. No more worries for me and my sons...We prayed together that God would touch his heart and bring him to his senses. We asked God to give us strength (my sons and I) to Walk in His Will for our lives. Worrying about their dad was not God's Will for us. Our sons are growing up to be intelligent, God Fearing Young men. Half the time they don't even ask about their dad...Out of sight out of mind. Trust me they Love Him Dearly, but they also know that God loves them and will be there for them till the end of time.

Turn your worries into Praise and Prayer...God Bless you my Sister!!

Debbie divorce isnt easy..its a very difficult situation for you and your ex..and of course for your children..I dont know what areas your angry about..but really ask yourself why? And the best healing for anyone..is to forgive..Forgiveness will get rid of your anger..How do i know u may ask..because i have forgiven others and was set free from the anger..also when we have been hurt and offened we want to stay mad at the other person and point out everything horrible that they have done..but doesnt help us at all. Sometimes for amany of us..it seems so much easier to stay mad..and not move on..but when reality is..it gets us nowhere..Just leads to depression and more anxiety..

If u feel like u need someone to talk to contact me..

S.

Dear D.,
Buy or rent the DVD/Book/CD called "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrnes. Listen somewhere that you can really focus. It may sound redundant, but if you work on it, you begin to have an easier time. I've been dealing with my ex for almost 15 years & it has not been very nice in most cases. I don't call him, only when my son is with him (although my son has his own cell so I really don't need to very much). I email him on occasions & I keep the FOC well informed of his every move.
I let them handle the show cause hearings, the parenting issues, the bench warrants, but I make darn sure that he's going to have to abide by the rules whether he wants to or not. There have been years on end that I was constantly at my wit's end & I thought he was trying to drive me insane. I won't let him do that anymore!!! If the parenting time is not to your liking-ask for a review & have it changed. If he's not paying, call FOC & bug them until they do something about it. If he's harassing you, call the police & get a restraint order. The best you can do is stay out of his sight! Don't know if any of this helps, but keep in mind, I'm here to lend an ear!
K.

Me too! Well, it is getting better, but my advice would be this....do not talk about him in front of the children, and pray....alot. Best of luck to you, mine sucks too!!!

Look I have never got child support, I had to be the biggest and best person for my children to set an example of forgiving and adult behavior towards my ex. It was hard, now even 14 years after divorce I still go to his families on Christmas Eve, and my fiance' and his son come with us; I had to eat crow to make sure that my children had the very least amount of negative impact. Pray alot, and know that your children will see and respect you more when your own behaviors reflect goodness, and being forthwright.

Don't give him that power. You decide how You feel. It is your time now. Your children are getting older and you have given your family a lot of yourself. Now may be the time to take a class on something that really interests you. When I divorced, I took a class and it made me feel like I was taking control and doing something I had been putting off. Try one at a time while the kids are in school. Keep friends around to talk with, but try not to say anything negative for a day, and then two and see how it makes you feel. Be thankful for healthy beautiful children.

Sometimes D.
we just have to 'feel' the emotion we are slapped in the face with.
So we feel it , we cry , scream, blame. stomp -you have children , you recognize all of these actions . so you feel it and get it over with.
The danger comes when we refuse to let our anger go . It is a dangerous thing we do when we recall the "deed" and just let it all hang out and feel it over and over and ----well you get the picture.
The simple truth is that if you nurse a -thing- it gets bigger -and BIGGER soon it starts to interfere with everything else in our life---most seriously , your children . When you are angry it is hard to deal with the rest of life.
Forgive -yes but remember that forgiving is not forgetting -that is not humanly possible.
When you do remember/think about it naturally you remember the injustice and the nastiness etc.......but when the feelings of anger start welling up tell yourself to __ just let it go -just let it go ...... and turn your thoughts to the things in your life that need that energy you just saved by NOT being so angry .
It is not easy D. but you have three lives dependant on you .
Lots of good advice from everyone here . Thank God for caring friends !!!

Hello D., obvisously I don't know your entire situation but a rule of thumb should be - Always LOVE your kids MORE than you HATE their biological father/mother. We have a combined family. My daughter was three when I began dating my husband who also had a three year old daughter. We each have full custody of our daughters and the non-custodial parents have been worthless since day one. Watching my step-daughter's biological mother's hatred for my husband surpass the love for her daughter has kept my anger for my ex under control. The children did not ask for this situation whatever it may be. (Oh yeah, I feel I should let you know my husband was single and already had full custody when we began dating so the hatred had nothing to do with me!)Hope this puts it slightly in perspective, Jayme

D. try not to let your anger come out your children even though they are older will pick up on it and adapt it as well. That will always be your children's father and for that you will always have that connection no matter how wronged you have been. I know this is hard. Maybe try seeking some counseling on your end to help deal with the situation and also help your kids through this.

I come from a divorced family myself. My father had angry feelings towards my mother for awhile. Now he gets along with her and my step father. He is even friends with my step father's brother.

The key to remember is that even though you may not like or agree with everything your ex-husband does or says or doesn't do that you wish he would, is to remember that he is your children's father. He is part of their flesh and bone. Without him you wouldn't even have the three lovely children that you love and hold so dear. So you would try to work with him. You don't have to agree to everything he does, says or doesn't do but it isn't about the two of you anymore (that part was over as soon as you signed the divorce papers). It is all about your children and their happiness. I can tell you from experiance that when your parents are not happy with each other wether they be married, seperated or divorced then you won't be happy. When my parents were fighting was the toughest part of my life, I blamed myself mostly and got really depressed. When my father finally accepted the fact that he was divorced and my mom moved on with her life he became so much more happy and him and my mother got along so much better.

It is two sided though. My mom tried to make things work between them for my brother and I and she was nice to him and tried not to bad mouth him because she knew deep down that he was a good man and loved us. But it took until my dad realized the same thing about my mom and accepted it that harmony was restored.

I don't know what your situation is but that is how it happened in my house. I hope that some of what I said helps because divorce is the hardest of the children no matter what age they are.

It sounds like your anger is getting in the way of your joyful life, and maybe it feels a bit out of proportion sometimes (though maybe fully-justified other times)...

Usually, personally, this is a result of being really, really angry at myself. Whatever situation I'm blaming someone else for is really a result of a series of conscious or plain dumb choices I made -- to go along with something for too long, to complain instead of trying to fix something, to stepping toward something I knew off the bat was a bad idea.

It feels easier to have a hate- on at the bad guy... but it is much easier to forgive yourself so you can move on.

Hi D.,
The best way to deal with anger is to talk about the issues either with your friends, family, a professional counselor or if you run out of resources, you could try praying.

Life is too short, live it happily. You have great kids, spend it with them and move on with your love-life as well.
Think of it this way, the divorce happened for a reason- there's a better life out there for you and your kids, see it as an opportunity to start over.