Help with 2 Yr Old Outbursts

While I was reading this I was thinking of my three year old daughter. She too will do things like this. My husband and I have learned to stick together on whatever the other is doing for discipline. (They learn very quickly who they can get away with.) When my daughter would (and sometimes still does) through her fits, we would either just walk away and ignore her or pick her up and put her into her room. She learned that once she was done throwing her fit for whatever it was she could come out. We were very loving afterwards but explained to her (starting at 18 months) that mommy and daddy love her, but we will not listen to her screaming and she needed to use her "words" to tell us what was wrong.

PLEASE Get a doctor to evaluate him. It may be nothing to worry about, but that he just has to deal with so much at pre-school ... then again he may be showing some signs of AUTISTIC behavior. Some things can help him develope in a much better way if you know what to do. At any rate, he gets stimulated to easily. L.

My son is like this too. I am interested to see what advice you get because a year of researching, comparing notes with other parents and meeting with a handful of professionals has resulted in no good suggestions on how to handle his behavior. Here are a few things that have worked for us though:

Alternate as much as possible when it comes to routine parenting duties like bath and bedtime. Our son has developed routines with each of us and this way it isn't a disaster if one of us wants to go out/gets sick etc.

Start giving warnings 15 minutes prior to a transition.

Use the "acceptable choices" method of parenting - give him the choice of two or three options that you find acceptable. It will help him feel in control while getting him to do what you need him to. (Eg. Instead of announcing that it is time to brush his teeth, I ask my son if he would like to brush his teeth in the bathroom or the kitchen)

I found the "super hearing" problem has mostly gone away now that he is able to understand what the noises are and where they are coming from. Make an extra effort to explain the noises and show him where they come from whenever possible

And lastly we are taking discipline one step at a time because if we try to correct too many behaviors at once he just gets frustrated and tunes us out.

I know it's frustrating to have a child who acts like this, but you can't discipline his personality out of him. You can only develop strategies for dealing with it.

Good luck!

Hi K... Wishing you a wonderful Christmas!..

I have reviewed the blogs you have been sent and I come from this a different direction. The one comment on sensory challenges may be something to think about. I work with many children with these same challenges, and they are becoming more prevalent with this generation of children.

One questions I have.. is your child vacinated and did you notice a diffence since the 18 mo - 2 year vacinations.. sometimes as early as the 12 month.

You may want to get the book..

"What your doctor does not tell you about vacinations"

This has some helpful information and a book I encourage all moms/ new moms to read. I have had a some with similiar challenges who is now 12 1/2.

Sometimes, a child cannot process through an event and gets
"stuck". When that happens, it is almost like they are in a 'tunnel' stuck on one point when the parents have moved way past. Since they cannot communicate effectively.. they
become so frustrated that the emotion takes over and they are at times what appears to be 'unconsolable'.

The best thing I found was to sit quietly with them and offer comfort and those things that comfort them until they 'come down'. This can be very trying but ongoing discipline at this age can just cause an exacerbation of the original condition.

Taking things slow can help and keeping things quiet.

Some of the health issues that can affect behavior are
foods like milk, eggs, gluten/ wheat. Preservatives and sugar substitutes can be a big toxin to the body. Also, red and blue dyes , which are in many 'fruit snacks' and other foods created for children are like "popcorn" in the brain and they rev within 15 minutes of eating.

I work with toxic body burden which can cause a lot of challenges with processing in the brain.

You can go to www.ewg.org.. which is the Environmental working group website, which did an umbilical cord study and found over 200 toxic chemicals running through the umbilical cord of newborn babies. These toxins included heavy metals and neuro toxins which affect processing significantly.

I also encourage you to watch a documentary called:

www.sharethecause.com/live

This will help you understand the challenge our children face.

You can also look at some of the other blogs I have written.

I am working passionately to help educate on this issue as I find it to be the underlying issue in all the health challenges I face with my clients. I work with cancer support nutrition, add/hd / autism spectrum and other auto immune challenges as well as overall prevention. I use all natural/ whole food products to assist in bringing health to the foundation of the body.

I hope this information is helpful.. if you would like to contact for specific help.. you can... at ____@____.com or ###-###-####

L. M... mother of 4 and grandma of 1 and 1 on the way!

Hi. It might be a sensory overload. Some kids can't handle too much stimulation and any noise or sudden change, like a different routine at bath time (or it could just be the water, some kids that have sensory disorders can't handle water). An occupational therapist can really help if this is what it is. Otherwise you might just want to write down when he gets upset so you can try and figure out what sets him off and then take the list to the doctor, so he can help you figure out what is going on. He's 2 so it could be just that he's 2. But if it gets worse or keeps happening and like you said it's really starting to disrupt your family life then you need to get help to figure out what is going on. He might be frustrated that he can't communicate his feelings to you in the way that he wants so the only thing he can do is scream. I know I've thrown alot of things at you at once, but hopefully some of this will help you. I've seen this with my nephew so I know how frustrating it can be. Hang in there and good luck!

Not really a disiplinary situation. Just an emotional one. Try Doctor Dobsons "The strong willed Child". No, it is not normal (or healthy) for a child his age to cry for 25 minutes. Over anything. It definately needs to be dealt with. Perhaps he is getting over-stimulated, or perhaps just tired. Consider nutritional aspects of his life as well. Document when he has his fits, and document what and when he eats and see if there is any connection.

Also, It's okay for him to prefer you for a while. It will pass. Just be sure to let him know you love him no matter what his mood or behaviour is. If hes bad, you still Love him, just not the behaviour. Try hugging him through a tantrum.

We calmly put our 2 year old in time-outs for fits and crying and it really helped. She knows that she needs to use her words to get what she wants and we will not give into her drama.

This is not easy, so I just want to offer encouragement to start. I think it might help your son to learn some tools to calm down. You will have to help at first but eventually he can do it on his own. What works for everyone is different, but here are some suggestions (and you might have to be on the alert to head things off at the pass): deep breathing (you can demonstrate it - worked for my son well), movement (dancing was already suggested), other physical outlets (a ball to squeeze maybe), dimming the lights and soft music, basically stress relief techniques that anyone can use. many children at this age get frustrated and they only have a few ways to reduce stress and crying is one of them (think about how sometimes a good cry can help). Your husband can be an active participant in this - my husband likes to have a plan that we agree on so that when a situation happens he has a way to deal with it. And what works for him might not be the same thing that works for you. Good luck!
By the way, a wise woman told me with my first that you have to repeat everything about 850 times before it will sink in with a toddler. That got me through the 849 times!

Unfortunately, this is _totally_ normal. That's why they're called the "Terrible Twos". The best thing to do about the screaming meemies is to totally ignore him. If he gets NO attention for them, good, bad, or otherwise, they will go away quickest. Let him kick and scream in the middle of the room, step over him if he's in the way. Let him know that you will be glad to talk with him when he is done crying and ready to use words. (this works already with my 19-month-old) In public, leave the store, take him home, go back & get what you were after another day. Explain to him that his behavior is MOST unacceptable in public. Yes, it's a royal pain, but you won't have to do it more than once or twice.

Please read this book. If I had read it when my daughter was a baby, it would have saved a lot of stress over the years. Raising Your Spirited Child Rev Ed: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, M.A.

Also - They are not called the "terrible twos" just for fun, it is a hormonal shift that causes a lot of uproar. Sounds like your son is extra sensitive, as is my daughter. She is now 11 and we still have to be on a pretty reliable schedule as far as meal times, bed time, etc. Change in routine can throw her off. She adjusts much better now, of course, but if she also hasn't had any healthy food or enough sleep it can cause problems.

Best of luck, you can get through this. Your son can't help this behavior on his own & punishing him won't change the behavior. You have to find ways to help him feel in control. The book will help, I promise. Take care, I know from experience how stressful this is. C.

You have some good responses already, but I will add mine, not so much to give additional information but to give some reinforcement to what others have said.
The main thing is to not react in anger, or any other emotional way. Stay calm. I recommend finding a place that you designate as where he can go to finish his tantrum, and let him know that once he's finished he can come and rejoin the family. I know that wouldn't quite work in your bathtime scenario, but you could just set him on a towel in the bathroom and watch him quietly saying "when you're finished, we'll get you dressed". Say it once, then ignore as much as possible until he quiets down. Don't expect the quieting to be quick. It may mean you being patient for as much as 15 minutes.. possibly more. I hate to sound discouraging in that regard, but I've seen some kids who can hold on to their tantrums for a long, long time and, not knowing your child, I have to give that warning advice.
If the tantrums are precipitated by something for which the child actually does need some comfort, he bumped himself, etc. then do give comfort but in a very calm manner and not 'gushy' "Oh my poor baby" sort of way. Something more on the order of "I know that hurt and I'm sorry" (and as calmly as possible check the area for real injury as opposed to it just hurts) then a "you are ok now, so you can calm down". The more matter of fact you can manage to keep your statements and your voice level, the sooner the child usually will respond and be over the tantrum. Try to keep your own talking to a minimum during a tantrum. They just need to learn to get over these things on their own and gain self-control. The more you give input, the less you give them a chance to learn to control it for themselves.
I know 2 is young, but he is definitely old enough to be learning these skills. Believe me, it will help him become a more resilient adult so it's worth whatever effort it takes for you and his dad to help him get over it.
You used the word "discipline" and you do need to discipline him, but not in a punitive way at all. In fact, the word can be applied better to what you and your husband need to do for yourselves... discipline your reactions to him in an appropriate way, and you'll be more able to help your son.
I think you are correct in your idea that he is not good with change because he's a toddler, and you have to deal with that part of it, and give him as much information ahead of time as possible. I disagree with you when you say 'he just doesn't understand what is right and what is wrong' however. He understands more than you think he does, and is likely using some of that understanding to manipulate you and your husband. If he truly doesn't understand, that would mean you haven't been teaching him as you needed to during the last two years, and I doubt that is the case. In either case, he is at an age where he needs to be learning right from wrong and how to handle himself so he is doing the right things rather than the wrong things.

Hi! Definitely check out if your child has Sensory Integration Issues. An Occupational Therapist (OT) can work wonders. You can also understand more about this issue by reading the book the Out of Sync Child. See http://www.out-of-sync-child.com/. I'm going through the same issue and my husband thinks it's a disciplinary issue but I know something else is bothering my two-year-old. I also have a friend who's 8-year-old son was diagnosed as having ADHD but after an OT evaluation, it is clear that he can't function with noise when he is a perfectly bright and cooperative child in a quiet environment. Good luck with finding the best solution to help your child.

I really sympathize with you. I'm having some of the same issues with my husband. It sounds like you have a challenging situation. I personally think you're right and think that discipline isn't relevant here. Also, the age two is so intense because they're having intense feelings but can't express them yet. It's so hard when they go into that mommy mommy thing. Perhaps you and your husband can find some common ground in agreeing about where your son's behavior is coming from. Perhaps you can really bolster the positive time that they have together, so that your husband feels better and more confident. I'm married to a great guy, but we go around in circles about this kind of stuff and it causes a fair amount of strife.

Your son is the way he is. Don't worry about what is "normal."

Your husband will often see things differently, as men think differently. It's actually good for a child to experience a male and a female style of parenting, because they learn different things from each gender. Let your husband do things his way, and don't argue with him, and then you just go and comfort your son.

p.s. Just saw the answer below, and I agree about sensory overload. My youngest son had that. I would want to comfort him but I discovered he just needed to be put in his bed alone. Try that and if that doesn't work go back to comfort.

If you haven't already talked with your pediatrician, that could be a useful thing to do. It's possible your child might have some 'sensory integration' issues that make him more sensitive/reactive to things that differ from the usual routine (an analogy I've read is to think of how we adults feel on days when we got up late, didn't have time to take a shower, had to rush off to work only to find that there was a detour because of some construction project and we had to take an unfamiliar route in addition to running behind schedule.... the tense, unsettled feelings we get under those kinds of circumstances is how people with sensory integration difficulties feel most of the time =:-O)

As a mother of 4 adult children I experienced alot of this with my youngest. The outbursts got worse and what I learned to do was everytime an outburst occurred I would sit him down, put some soothing music on and start dancing as to distract the outburst. Soon he began to want to listen to music too and dance. Give it a try.

K.,
sounds like he is throwing a temper tantrum to test the waters. If you don't follow thru, he will learn that
screaming and throwing that fit will get him anything he wants. I have seen many kids like that. My sister in law actually had kids like that. They did not want to come to my house because I would not give in and they knew it. They tried it once, and I told them I am bigger than you are, and I will win!!! When my daughter was nine she would scream when she could not express herself.
I would put her in her room, and shut the door. I would tell her when she could use her words she could come out, and I would be happy to listen to her. I doubt that
would work for a two year old, but you never know. The more attention you have something like that the more they will carry on. W.

That sounds really hard. I totally understand the conflict that it can cause between you and your husband and the stress of having a screaming baby.

I can tell you what I do when my 20 month old daughter throws a fit and you can try it if you want :)

My daughter within the last couple of months started becoming a total "diva" and freaking out, crying, screaming, if she did not get her way so I first started out by giving into her wants at the time but that only seemed to encourage the behavior and the outbursts became more frequent. So then I tried to comfort her, pick her up and hold her or give her a hug and explain that it was ok, etc. This method did not work either.
Now when she throws a tantrum and/or is crying for no reason (ie she is not hurt) I just ignore the behavior and will walk away from her and let her cry it out alone. I basically choose to not acknowledge the bad behavior. It took a bit for her to understand that I wasn't going to pay attention to her when she was acting that way but now, her tantrums are way less frequent and they do not last as long when they do happen.

Good luck!

hi K., i too have a son 2 1/2 when he gets overly tired he will have these moments, yelling & screaming & 'TRY'ING" to "CONTROL" the situation. there is no screaming aloud around me (he doesn't normaly do it in public) so i take him to his rm & tell him "when he is done screaming he could come out" or i will tell hm " mommy doesn't want to talk to you when you screaming or being mean" or i will just turn & walk away from him 9 x outta 10 he will stop FREAKING OUT and settle down. if you don't like his behavior then don't tolerate it he's pushin his wieght around & the last thing you want to do is give in to his outbursts. and forsure don't let him control you and your husband. it doesn't take much before its outta hand. good luck T. PROUD MOTHER OF 3BOYS. 2 1/2 22, & 25.

Hi K.,
You will hear it all. You and your husband will figure what works with your son. What is normal? We are all wired differently and unique and the words use you are so important to look at, Senses and Sensitivity. His are acute. He may need proactive not reactive parenting..more planning and structure( giving dad a heads up on all routines) and a lot of calm when dealing with his own chaos. He may need structure and at the same time, need to feel like he is individuating (very healthy development at this age). This is not saying let him child direc the house but power struggles are exhausting and your clever brilliance will help scoot through this time. A lot of narrating his actions and emotions..so...honey, you seem upset, or point/show/tell us what comes next in the tub..little visual cards will help him feel like he is part of everything and may help dad:) Our daughter turns 3 in January and she and I get along brilliantly because I knew she was this way and when I do need to disclipline her, she knows I mean it and it is very important and because I listened to her when she needed it during that stage, she listenes to me. My son, needed something totally different because his issues with self came later as his language did ...I got sucked in the undertoe of it because his needs were different but I learned he needs a lot of physical hugs, visual schedules and firm boundaries..they are all so precious and unique. I always encourage the book, Parenting from the Inside Out because it addresses those issues of what we think we should be doing, our concerns about raising derilicks :( and how to connect at the same time. It also addresses how each parent was raised differently and hot to find a family system that works for the now family. Your sensitive boy is blessed to have a mother looking into how to reach him and a father who wants him to know the ways of the socially appropriate behavior.

Somebody else mentioned the book RAISING YOUR SPIRITED CHILD, by Mary Kurcinka, which got me through raising my daughter (she is now 21, and a delightful person). The book is available through the Santa Clara County Library system if you don't want to buy it (and at other libraries too).
She was sensitive and would have total meltdowns when she got overloaded. Kurcinka's book really helped me see that my daughter wasn't doing this to "get me" or because she was bad or poorly disciplined, but because things in her environment that didn't bother me really stressed her. you need to become aware of the kinds of things that stress him, working to avoid those things, teaching him how to calm himself down--and the book helps guide you through. It is also worth exploring some of the medical possibilities, such as allergies, that may explain why he is so sensitive.
Good luck!

wow, you've got a tough situation there. for kids under two, "discipline" is often not productive, as you said, he doesn't understand right and wrong, and so punishment will not really make him understand... you are supposed to use redirection and other non-punitive methods...

however, your problem sets up some red flags for me, and i wonder if you have contacted any early intervention professionals for advice? from what i read, and it isn't really enough to say, but it is enough to make me want to encourage you to check out the literature on the autism spectrum.

routines, agitation, tantrums can all be an aspect of a normal (but sensitive child) or of a child with specific differences.

either way, discipline in the form of punishment won't do much for you. remember that his behavior is communication. it is maladaptive, non-functional communication, and you have to work at making his communication more successful. try presenting options in choices of 2. keep the routines that you can, this will probably help him...and ask your dr about an early intervention assessment.

good luck.