Help with a Head Strong Daughter

You've received a lot of great advice. Consistency is the key. Reward good behavior as much as possible, instead of only punishing the bad. She should respond well to rewards. As Dr. Dobson says, you will appreciate her strong will when she is older. Mine is 22. Once she got to high school, we started to see how this strong will was such a strength of hers. Nobody was going to talk her into doing anything she didn't want. Nobody was going to stop her from being the best at whatever she attempted. All those years of wanting to pull my hair out (and hers!) was worth it.

Spanking her rear end will help solve the public tantrums, etc. Consider To Train Up A Child by Michael Pearl, www.nogreaterjoy.org. Whatever you decide, you will have to get a little "meaner" and more stubborn than her. You won't have to be so for long, she'll get it.

From the mother of another head strong 4 year old......
If you can give her a choice do (make sure that either option is acceptable to you). If you can't give her a choice, stick to your guns. Caving in (even once) will show that she can bend the rules (this will make her try harder next time because it worked once before).
Just stick to it. Even if you have to carry her out like a sack of potatoes (and I have done this a couple times), she has to realize that what you say goes. Keep it up and eventually it will get easier (for both of you). Also check out the book called Parenting the Strong Willed Child (or something like that). It has alot of great advice. Good luck and know that you are not alone!!!!!!

Dear K.,

My little almost five year old boy is very headstrong as well. It can be extremely frustrating when everything is a fight. My first piece of advice is to pick your battles with headstrong kids because they feel more in control if you give them a little leeway. My second piece of advice is to give her choices, not too many, but two to three choices. For example, when my son starts fighting in the morning about getting dressed, i give him a choice of picking his outfit or when we are at the grocery store and he wants everything on the shelves, i tell him that he can pick out the cereal we buy and i give him two choices such honey nut cheerios or golden grahams. You know something like that. I hope this advice helps because it has helped me. It does not work all of the time but it does work most of the time which makes things easier to deal with because the fighting for every little thing really wears you out. Good luck!

I feel for you - we also have a strong willed child.

I had to take a step back and look at things that were / were not really important. For example, with regards to outfits the deal was I would choose her clothes during the week for school and if we were going someplace "fancy" and she could pick her clothes for all other times. Same with the hair - I would do her hair for the these same times and she could do her hair the rest of the time. It helped....

As far as going places - I would always give her a time frame of how long we would be someplace and what time we would leave. About 30 minutes before leaving I would let her know she had minutes left - then again I would give her a 15 minute warning. If she was not ready to go at that time - or if she threw a fit - she didn't get to go next time.

Our daughter is 9 - she is still strong willed but things are no longer a constant battle. Her strong will has been tamed some what (we're still working on it) and it has helped her as she has progressed through school and in other situations.

A nice bottle of wine also helps.....

First of all, try to pick your battles. Ask yourself if this is really something so important that you have to inforce your will. My daughter (now 11) started picking out her own clothes when she was about 3. I didn't always like the purple shirt she picked out to go with the green shorts, but it really wasn't worth fighting over. Sometimes I might try to pursuade her to try something else, but that didn't always work. Of course, you do have to draw the line somewhere (like, swimsuits are not allowed in church), but if you can give her some choices whenever possible and let her feel like she has some control, life will be much easier.

I'll never forget the time when my daughter insisted on wearing one ponytail on one side of her head and nothing on the other side. She looked ridiculous, of course, but I couldn't convince her of that, so I finally just said OK. Maybe a few people looked at us funny in the store, but it wasn't hurting her and it gets a really good laugh out of her now when I remind her of her previous fashion statements.

I can also tell you that it's been my experience that girls are much more likely to want to be in charge than boys. My son is much more laid back and will pretty much wear whatever I pick out for him (or whatever he pulls out of the drawer), eat what I serve him, and do what I ask him without questioning. Usually, if I give him a choice in something, his response is "I don't care."

Just don't forget that your job as a mom is to allow your child more and more control of life's decisions each day until the day when they are in complete control of all decisions and are ready to face the world on their own. It's not easy to give up that control to your child, but if you do so a little at a time, it makes it a little less painful.

K.:

Just throwing my two cents in with the rest. Sometimes, as adults, we forget that from a kid's perspective, it's not always "fair" that we make all the choices, decisions, food, etc. and in their view, they get squat.

One of the first memory verses my child learned was "children obey your parents in the Lord for it is right" (Eph 6:1) I also told her what Proverbs said "train your child in the way they should go and when they are old, they will not stray from it." (Provers 22:6)
We have learned others as she became mature enough to handle them, but the gist of it was we all have jobs that God gives us. My job as mommmy (and her dad's job as daddy) is to help her make decisions so when she grew up, she could be a good Christian, kind, good mom to her kids, etc. Part of that included helping her make good decisions about what to wear, eat, and respecting her parents when it was time to leave, or grocery shop etc. When she is faithful with the small things, she can grow into the big things.

Let her pick her outfit one day, initially based on your criteria. You are going to school so shirts with stains or clothes that don't match won't fly. You suggest two outfits, she picks one. You praise her for her respecfullness and explain as she grows into this, she can make more and more decisions because she has proved to be respectful and a "big girl" and pleasing to you and God. I would also tell my daughter this will make her happy in her heart. Remind your daughter how much better and happier she felt when together you picked something then when she screams and yells about things. (or whatever is it she does in those situations) And later if she choses things that dont' match, but she is really proud of herself and you let her make that choice, buy some blank stickers and write in VERY bold marker "I dressed myself today!" and stick it on her chest. Then all the world can tell her how great she looks, she is proud, you look like the great mother you are, and you have shown your daughter you CAN compromise when it is done out of love and respect, not bending to will or to keep peace.

I expect my child to obey me because God expects it. I am not mean or out of line or expecting too much, because it is what God expects of her. And so asking her to leave without throwing a fit is not too much to ask. And when she is disrespectful to you and throws a fit, there is a consequence. She needs to ask for forgiveness, which of course you give immediately and unconditionally, and then she looses time with a toy, or time out, no dessert while you eat one, or whatever you have decided.
Explain that God gives you a job too. To raise her, to answer to God, to serve others, clean the house to His glory and thankful you have a house, manage your money well, do laundry etc. That way she understands that you aren't sayng these things to be mean, or because you are bigger and therefore decided all of them, but because God decided these things long ago in his infinite wisdom. You answered to your Mom, and her kids will answer to her as well.

This will not result in perfectly behaved children right away, but it will set the framework on which you can build. Just pray about it, be consistent. God will deliver!

This book Parenting the Strong Willed Child worked wonder for us and was recommended to us by a child psychiatrist:

http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Strong-Willed-Child-Clini...

It sounds to me like she wants some control. Let her pick her clothes when it doesn't matter. When it does matter- give her a choice between 2 outfits. Give her a choice as to how she will wear her hair.

As far as outtings- I give 10 and 5 mins warnings that way there is not screaming match when we have to leave. You can also give a "one last fun thing" one last trip down the slide, one last push on the swing, that sort of thing.

Good Luck!

Hi, I had same problem with my now thirteen year old when he was that age. I went to counseling because I was scared of what I would do to him. The counselor taught me "the grab bag" technique. You put together a little bag of goodies, ie. candy or small toys (make it cheap). Before she goes into a place you tell her that if she cooperates and doesn't have a fit when it is time to leave she can reach into the grab bag and get a surprise. The thing is to do it, make the offer BEFORE she has a fit so you don't reinforce the fit. If you do it in the midst of a fit you reinforce the fit. By doing it ahead of time and then rewarding her for her cooperation you reward her for that. I hope this helps. It did wonders for us. Eventually you can stop it, at your discression of course.

My daughter and I have had similar battles. Something that helped me (other than choosing my battles), was to try and make everything a choice. For example, when she started a meltdown about leaving the park, I would say "would you like to hold my hand and walk to the car, or am I going to carry you out of here kicking and screaming?". I don't know why that worked, but it did. Also, "would you like to leave quietly and be able to come back another day, or would you like to have a tantrum and not be invited back to Susie's house for a playdate?" I also give 10 min warnings, which help, but she never wants to leave a play date. She is an only child and loves being around other children. Also, try and validate her feelings on some level: "I know you are having fun and don't want to leave, but the play date is over and mommy has to get home and start dinner." Also, I read the book "1, 2, 3, Magic" which talks about a slightly different time out method. I'm not sure why it works, but if my daughter is misbehaving in public, she knows that if I get to 3 there will be a consequence, and I rarely get past 2. For example, you say, "it is time to go now." She starts to scream or tantrum or whatever. You say "that's a 1. If I have to count to 3, there will be a consequence (time out, privelage lost, etc.) You have to make sure you enforce it a few times until they understand you mean business. My daughter is 4 almost 5 and this method worked really well for us beginning at age 3. We rarely get to a 3 anymore, but your child will test you to see if you really mean it when you say there is a consequence. I highly recommend the book to anyone looking for help with discipline. It was recommended to me by a psychologist who works with children and families, and it has been around many years. Good luck!

I have a son that does the same thing. He is so headstrong. He likes a "warning." I tell him, "Sam, we have 10 minutes before we leave." I tell him again at 5 minutes, 2 minutes and at one minute, he is required to tell everyone good-bye and thank you for having me over. It works better if he knows what's coming. He seems to have a hard time transitioning from one activity to another. It was not perfect the first time but it has gotten better. If I do not do the warnings and "surprise" him, he still sometimes acts up. I started it at home and progressed from there. Good luck to you and be firm. Whenever she is acting a fool, just toss her over your shoulder and say loudly that "whew-we can't miss our nap!" All parents will understand, even the old ones. CB

this is probably one of the most difficult stages that we went through with our daughter and it comes back at school age and pops up any time there are big changes in the mix. my strongest piece of advice is to not let yourself get caught up in a power struggle with your daughter and learn to give her some room for making her own decisions. this is a hard time for the kids - they are excited about all that they know how to do and simultaneously terrified that it means having less of you. finding the right balance of independence can take some time, but hang in there.

it sounds like you know when all these struggles happen which is awesome! it may seem unnecessary, but go through expectations before those volatile moments and stick to the consequences that you put out there.

this is one of our for instances - for us some of the hardest times were getting ready in the morning. i decided to let her get more involved in laundry (putting folded clothes away, putting clothes on hangers) and getting outfits ready for the week. once the what to wear was squashed, we had little "talks" during breakfast that laid out what we expected and asked if she had any questions. if she got done within the allotted time that meant that she had time to work on puzzles or play in her room before we headed out. she didn't get done a few times which meant no play time before we headed out and some tantrums but she eventually figured out that her tantrums weren't going to make time magically reappear on the clock and that simply taking care of it was the best choice. the hardest part of correcting the behavior was being consistent (aka doing what you say you are going to do... good or bad consequence).

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY. work on one behavior at a time! we tried the whole lets make our day magical again, but quickly realized that we were setting ourselves (and her) up for disappointment. tackling them one at a time makes you both feel like you are making progress and before you know it you'll have your magical day back.

I 2nd what Laurie A said. I'm glad she typed that up so that I wouldn't have to!
it sounds like you have a high needs child who wants to be in charge!
I don't know what your parenting philosophy is, but Dr. Sears has a bunch of information about parenting a high needs child.
http://www.askdrsears.com
Many of what he writes is about high-needs babies, but I've been reading about it and using it with my very-similar-to-your-daughter three year old and it's been very helpful!

Why not let her make a few choices? Lay out two or three outfits and let her pick. If she wants to dress her self and pick out the outfit, this would be a great time to teach her how to pick out things that match, one print and matching top. Even if its super close I would let it slide. Why not ask her how she wants to wear her hair that day. Sounds silly to say but it sounds like your both being strong headed when it dosent really need to be. If she puts on wrong shoes ask her "humm do those shoes really match"? If she says yes, tell her the outfit looks good but try again on the shoes. if she starts a fit say something like " your a big girl you can handle switching to the right shoes we both know those dont go..nice try". Dont be too picky here I am talking about if she tries to wear rain boots on a hot summer day. Good luck.

Try reading Dr. Dobson's book "The New Strong-Willed Child".

I hear you! My two year old is the same way. Here's my theory. I am the mommy and what I say goes. She will throw a fit in the grocery store or any other place for that matter, and I just pick her up and walk off with her if its time to go home. Or if we're in the grocery store I just ignore her. A number of people give me dirty looks (like they've never had a kid that ever screamed before?) I've even gone so far to tell them that if they keep looking at me they're going to be crying just as much as she is. Or I tell tham that I will follow them around the store with me screaming kid and if she stops screaming I'll pinch her so she starts again. Sometimes people give me a dirty look for spanking her in public, I'll ask them if they want one too. Bottom line I'm that childs mother and it's my job to see that she turns into a well behaved adult, and if she needs to scream a few times in that process that's my problem. So if they don't like it they can move to another part of the store or just deal with it for the few moments it's going to take me to remove her from the situation.

She is FOUR years old and you are the mother. Am I saying that she should not be allowed choices? No!! But the bottom line is she does not run the show. I would not be bullied into letting her have her way b/c I want to avoid a meltdown. When it's not a matter of importance, sure she can pick her own clothes. But when it is, let her know that you have picked these two outfits and she needs to choose. You will have still given her a choice but she knows there is no wiggle room for anything else. As far as not wanting to leave a play date, here is the conversation, "Okay, we are going to Sara's house. Yall will play and I'll let you know when it is almost time to go home. When Mommy lets you know that it is time to go, I want my big girl to show me that she knows how to walk to the car. Now if you make the choice to fuss about leaving or Mommy has to carry you to the car, then you have let me know that you do not want to play at Sara's. Deal?" So you have already prepared her and do not forget to give her the warning that time is almost up. I do not have a problem with kids having an opinion and choices but not to the point that they are running the show and I am jumping through hoops and hurdles to keep the peace. When all else fails, a good spanking never hurt me (and I know many will not agree but different strokes for different folks) and it won't hurt my kid either. BTW, Heather P, I love your post!!!! LOL!!!

Hang in there and start over. Many children just want to have control and they like knowing what to expect. I like to say they need to feel, like they have control, when in reality you are going to allow them control.

Give her a calendar and have her help decide how things are going to happen. "On Monday, what are you going to wear? Blue shorts or red shorts? White top or Yellow top?" Have her gather them the night before and have them ready. Have listed the activities, that need to get done. 2 loads of laundry, grocery shopping, then give her a choice, what would she like to do? go swimming or go to the library?

Same with meals, I always allowed my daughter to eat what we were eating, or she could have a bowl of non sugar cereal or peanut butter sandwich no big deal.

If we were going somewhere, I would let her know what was going to happen there and what behavior was expected, inside voices, no running inside and look with our eyes not with our hands. I always had her take a book, colors, paper, radio, something to keep her occupied. Many times, I would have her help me grocery shop. I would remind her, we were only purchasing what was on the list.

In the summer, I always kept a cooler with cold water, juice boxes, fruit and veggies in baggies.. We kept snacks in a bag also, this way, she always had a snack in case an event took longer than expected.. I also made her responsible for making sure that this was kept filled. She loved the responsibility.

She knew that if she threw a fit, we would leave.
EVERY TIME. Your daughter can be put in time out, even in public. Have her sit on the ground between your feet and remind her to calm herself down.

When we went to restaurants, if she knew she was becoming "frustrated" or needed to walk around, she was allowed to ask us if "we could go outside for a minute". We would even allow her to go outside and "scream" as loud as she wanted to release some frustration. It worked great.

We would give her 5 minute warnings, before an activity was going to end. "In 5 minutes, you need to begin putting away the toys." Then when it was about 4 minutes, we would say, "you have 1 more minute." It really helped. We used to laugh because she would ask for 5 more minutes or 1 more minute. Of course we would allow it if she asked politely. Or we would explain, "I like the way you asked for 5 more, but we just do not have time tonight."

Just stay firm and do not give in. She will respond to what the rules are, Especially if you have stated them.

K.,

I have a head strong daughter as well. A strong-willed child will do well in life, but they're hard to deal with as kids. My daughter goes in and out of it in stages, so I guess I'm blessed.

However, my niece had a son who behaved exactly like you describe. She put him on a special diet with no artificial ingredients. The boy changed virtually overnight. On occassion he's eaten something he should not and has 3 or 4 days of the old behavior. He doesn't like how it makes him feel either. Anyway, that was their proof that It's the diet that's helping. I just saw him last week & he's practically an angel. I was amazed at his behavior change.

I don't have the specifics, but If you e-mail me I'll forward it to my niece. I'm positive she'll be happy to give you the details.

Good Luck, K.. I'll be praying for you and for your child.

D.