Help with Discipline Techniques for Toddlers? (I Have a 1.5 and 3.5 Yr Old)

I don't have a whole lot of advice either, but my girls are the same age as your kids and I know how hard it is! I agree with the time-in concept - only b/c I do notice that giving my older one lots of praise and complements and and positive attention really has made a HUGE difference. She loves it when Daddy comes home from work and I tell him all the wonderful things she did to help me that day or all the good ideas she came up with to solve a disagreement with her little sister. She'll just beam a huge smile.
Personally, I disagree with spanking completely, even if given "lovingly" which I don't believe it can be. I just think it sends the message that it is OK to hit and in society, it is never OK to hit. If they hit another kid at school or wherever, they'll get detention. If a husband hits his wife, it's domestic violence. I think it just gets confusing to be like, well sometimes adults can hit, but you can't ever hit. No hitting allowed in our house works way better than spanking ever could. Good luck!

First of all, ignore all the people who are going to google this book and read out of context pieces and tell you not to read it. Most of those things have been removed from the book anyway-it's old and used in Amish and Mennonite circles. My whole extended family of massive homeschool families uses it, and ALL of their kids, even the most difficult are happy and well behaved. My kids would be different people without it. My step father-father of 10 and grandfather of 30+ gave it to me when I got pregnant. My husband and I are not fundamentalist christians-or even really christians, but we read the book with an open mind to the technique after seeing the difference in those kids vs the bratty kids of our friends who read all the "other" books about positive discipline and attachment stuff. In it's own way, this book is also very positive and loving, but you have to read the WHOLE thing, not just the angry quotes you'll see in the reviews. Ignore the scandal. Read it. Dont' let people censor you. It's short and easy to read.
I gave it to a girl at my gym with a 3 and 1 yo who were driving her into the ground and breaking up her marriage. They are now happy and extremely good-she brings them to work and the staff loves them-when before she almost got fired because the daycare couldn't deal with them- and she and her husband are planning on trying for a 3rd. I'm telling you, read it, the whole thing.
To Train Up a Child by Michael Pearl. It's the polar opposite of all the books you read. It's very controversial, especially to non spankers. The focus is on teaching, preventing, and never being angry in your discipline.

And stay away from psychologists! There is nothing wrong with your kids!!! Though I do agree that time outs are bad. But only because they are worthless and allow bad behaviors to escalate as seen it in all the kids of my friends who use them. I used to be the "bad spanker" to them, but now that my kids are happy and well behaved, never had terrible twos and never need discipline (just like all their cousins), and theirs are still terrors as old as 10 years old...they've quit throwing in their 2 cents. We are always praising our kids. we have 99% awesome happy times and 1 % necessary brief effective non angry discipline. It rules. My husband travels all the time and I take my 3 kids under 5 with me everywhere no worries, no nannies, no help-no problem. It's all about positivity ONCE you get control of your kids.
If you don't want to read the book and want advice just for your daughter's tantrums-let me know. But you should read the book. You'll be amazed at how clear it all becomes.

I don't really have a lot of great advice, but I also feel like my kids have "Difficult Temperaments." My boys are 4.5 and 2.5 yrs old so a little bit older then your children. My older son has always been VERY strong-willed and such a challenge, and I think he always will be. But with that I can see a lot of strong qualities he'll have as an adult. Oh have I had an adventure trying to raise him! and I still haven't figured out what really works, but we just keep on living and keep trying. For good behavior he really does well doing a sticker chart, with a reward after so many stickers. It makes him happy, sometimes he'll tell me that I deserve a star for being good too! LOL I read of one mom giving out "tickets" for good behavior and taking them away for bad behavior, I haven't tried that but it might work? I don't have much advice for disciplining bad behavior yet, but I do know some things that definitely DON'T work (for my children anyway), time-outs were a complete disaster to start with! for 2 years after I started trying to do the time-out strategy, it was a total kicking screaming, yelling, fighting battle. but somewhere around 3.5 he was able to understand more and I would just sit there and calmly tell him that his time would not start until he was quiet. not sure why or how but after some time it finally clicked. Now I can get him to stay in there but I don't know how effective it really is. Threats and/or bribes definitely do not work for him. If I were to say "you need to do _____ or _____ will be the consequence," he will just get very upset and take the consequence without even trying to do whatever I was trying to get him to do. Same goes for bribes, he will just focus on the reward rather than the action. I am still trying to figure out something that will work for disciplining him and I hope that somewhere down the line I will find something but for now I just keep on loving him and doing my best, following my instincts and doing what feels right, even if it doesn't necessarily "work." He is really a very good boy, and things have gotten SOO much better as he's gotten older, because he can express himself better and understand a lot more. We just talk about things a lot. And sometimes when he's having a really difficult time, he really just needs a little extra love, hugs and attention. If I'm not too stressed out myself to notice, and I make the effort, it can completely change his attitude and make things better.
I really love the Sear's attachment style parenting, although I was never able to do it to the extent that they say in their books. I just take the concepts that I really like and can actually handle doing.
Love and Logic has a lot of good concepts, but I feel my kids are still too young for that. I hope to implement some of those strategies as they get older though.
Maybe it is just part of the age thing for strong-willed children, because the way you describe your daughters behaviors sounds SOO much like my son not too long ago! Hopefully it will get easier for you too as your kids get older. I don't really know what else to say but hang in there! sounds like you're really doing your best! Trust your instincts. Good Luck!

I love the phrases you used, strong willed & difficult - that is my son! He is so stubborn! I keep reminding myself it will be a good thing when he is older, but it's exhausting right now.

We tried spanking very briefly, but it never really got his attention and it didn't solve the behavior problems. We also tried time outs, but that was just play time in a different spot, still didn't get the point across.

I read somewhere about time ins, which has worked better than anything else so far. Basically you take the time out with your child and help them understand why you made them stop what they were doing. I've noticed that at least half the time, my son's meltdowns are caused by him being overwhelmed or over-stimulated. So if we go to a quiet room and sit down together, I can get him to chill out and listen to me. I talk to him about the way he acted, and I usually tell him we can't go back out and play until he is calm and can be nice. It also helps me calm down and not be angry with him.

I'm eager to see what other tips you get for this, maybe I'll get some help too!