Help with Grieving Son

The only thing you can do is be there allow him time and when he wants to talk be open about it. Greiving is a process and takes time.

B., my advise is to just be there for him. You won't have all the answers, nobody does. I have two step children who lost there mother January of this year from an auto accident. They are 16 & 18. There was a lot of crying and a lot of "why her" At the funeral home they do have a pamplet about children dealing with death. Let him read the poem, just be prepared it will be very hard on both of you. Make sure he knows it is ok to cry and that is fine. Take him to the grave site after it is all said and down, don't force him to go but encourage it. I take the kids there and go up with them to the site and make sure they are ok then I go back to the car and say when you are ready I am here if you need me look back and nod and I will come up. It has been hard but we are surviving. I wish you the best of luck and God's strength and love in the next few weeks.

Geeze, I am 31, I lost my best friend to colon cancer last year and you never get over it. Let him talk if and when he wnats to. If he isn't talking to you make sire he is talking to someone about his pain.

Hi B., I think the other women pretty much covered everything I was going to say, except that, I know in York we have a place that's specifically for grieving children. It's called Olivia's House and they run programs for grieving children to go through that help them work through their grief and meet other kids who are grieving so they know that they are not alone. Maybe you could check near your town and see if they have anything like this there.

I am 30 years old as well. In the past year and a half I have lost my mom to a brain aneurism, my grandmother to cancer, my grandfather to cancer, and recently my brother, age 31, in a car accident. My brother had three boys who are 9, 7, and 1. All of the counselors that we talked to all said to let them be part of everything because death is a part of life. The earlier they can experience loss the better off they will be as adults to deal death. This was before their daddy died. So in a way it may have helped them to have experienced all the other loss first and although it has only been 3 months since my brother died and everyone is having a really hard time, I think all the other deaths prepared all of us. I pray that there aren't any other deaths in your son’s life any time soon but one day it's inevitable and maybe it will help, even if only a little, to have the familiarity of a funeral.

Please seek proffesional help for him. His high school should be able to help, in fact they should offer without your asking.

First let me say I am sorry for your sons loss. I was about your sons age exactly when I lost my first friend and it was a horrible and life changing experience.. But one I made it through with the help of family and friends.. All I can do is tell you what my mother did for me.. Offer to be there, take him to the viewing and funeral.. Be there to hold his hold ( both literally and just as a figure of speech) let him know that he is not alone in this and doesnt have to be alone. Encourage him to share his grief in whatever way he can, writing poems. Drawing Pictures.. getting together a group of friends who have been down this road before.. It helps I bonded more with the friends that where with me after our friend died than any other time in life. Let him know its ok to talk about his friend.. A lost life doesnt become a taboo subject when the person is gone.. Its ok to talk about what kind of person they where to you.. and laugh about the good times.. Its ok to smile when you think about how much fun you had with your friend.. and its ok to cry when you think about those times not happening again... Its ok to be mad that you can't be together for more good times.. But don't let it change you from the person your friend loved you for.. My friends and I tried very hard in the time after our friend died to be the people he would want us to be.. He would have wanted smiles and laughter and enoying the things we had so much more than tears and years of heartache.. If there is something your son feels he can do in memory of his friend.. Let him do it.. Even if its something as small as wearing his friends favorite color or shirt.. Or making up a book of memories with his friends.. At my school they set up a group where the kids who where dealing with the loss could get together and talk about the friend we lost..It might help to see if the school is doing that.. I Hope I helped.. Its been 14 years this January since my friend died.. I was only 14 years old myself..( just barely) when it happend.. and there isnt a year that goes by that I don't mourn the life that was cut short.. but.. it gets easier..your son will see that too..

Your approach may have to change depending on wether or not the death was accidental or expected, as in due to an illness. Try talking to your son's guidance counselor at school and see if they offer grief counseling or just have suggestions for ways you can comfort your son.

I am so sorry for the loss you are all going through.
You don't mention what you or your son's spiritual beliefs are. I am not a religious person but my spirituality is a HUGE part of my life. Exploring and reading over the years as to what different cultures and religions and traditions are relating to death, eternity, heaven, afterlife, God, etc. has helped me deal with losses in my life. It made me grow and figure out what I believe. It turned the losses into a chance for me to say okay, what can I learn from this. And in my beliefs, I feel like they may physically be gone, but their spirit is still with me in very tangible ways and we'll be together soon enough.
Maybe, not now it may be too fresh, but in the coming weeks and months, it would be a chance for you and your son to delve a little deeper into what YOUR beliefs are and explore your spirituality. If you have a minister talk to him. If not start buying books, talking to people, doing research. He will need to have some sort of ideas on this stuff ... this won't be the last time he has a loss, lead him to learn how to heal. You all are in my thoughts.

Please get him to a teen support group. It really helps and I think he needs other peers in his life that are going through the same thing.
Best of luck!

I experienced a number of losses as a child as well as an adult - also a social worker whose career has centered around different kinds of losses - most significant for me was loss of my dad when I was 13 and later loss of my 16 y.o. nephew - also running groups for grieviong kids who lost parents in USAir crash - important things to know - first one - I agree w/ other responses - your son should be allowed to be part of funeral in any ways comfortable for him - second - BE THERE FOR HIM - people are very uncomfortable w/ grief - even adult to adult - some think kids don't grieve - and there is something called grief bursts - basically that there will be moments that he feels AWFUL - and others that he's laughing - that's okay - that's normal - also that grief doesn't really resolve or go thru nice neat phases - he'll go back and forth b/w phases (Kubler Ross stuff) and thru his life will always miss his friend - he will probably never be the same again - he will look at life differently - w/ more value and more seriousness - each one of us spend our lives going thru developmental phases and w/ each phase comes a new processing of grief (sorry - this is basic - don't want to write an entire book here) - sometimes he may be grieving and not sharing b/c as adults we often send cues that we're uncomfortable talking about loss - it is critical that you are not only there for him but asking and offering so he knows it's okay to share - also okay for him to be okay - so, don't overdo it and put more there than is - help from an outside party could benefit him - ask him and if he says no let him know he can change his mind anytime- in pgh there is The Caring Center - let's see - there was something else - oh, yeah - often after the initial attention is given for a loss (the first 2-3 weeks) people move on and don't give support - fyi - good luck - and my condolescences!

I am so sorry well i can tell you that i had been through my frist funderal at age 7 and had been to over 12 at age 14 my family went through a spot where every year we lost one to two people. The worst funerals are kids people are very emotional the best bet is that if he wants to go to the viewing if they are having one is to go a few mins early so he can feel more comfortable and if he wants to go to the funeral sit in the back so if it gets to be to much for him he can sneak out. take lifesavors so he has something to suck on if he gets a little nurves and jsut make sure to explain to him what is going to happen then let him chose if he wants to go but if he doesnt then make sure to tell him that is fine and it is ok not to want to go b/c he doesnt feel like it. I wanted to go to my familys to say good bye my aunt is in her 40s and she still will not atend a funeral she doesnt want to go, and the wake might be to much for him if he wants to go go but plan on not staying long. It is best left to him he knows his comfort level and if he gets uncomfortable you are there for him to ask to leave. You can make a excuss to get out. I hope this helps.

It's great that your son wants to go to the funeral and wake and that he's written a poem--that shows that he wants to express how he feels and isn't keeping things bottled up inside. Unfortunately the only thing that's going to help him get through this is time; what happened is very much a shock, and he needs time to miss his friend. Keep an eye on him: don't push him to make new friends to replace the one he lost, but don't let him completely withdraw from his life either. Encourage him to still do things he and the friend who died liked; he will miss his friend, but his friend would ultiimately want him to still enjoy his life. Just listen, don't rush him, and do let him grieve. Good luck!