Should I Allow My 9-Yr Old Son to Attend His Friend's Funeral?

I am so sorry, what a terrible tragedy. Yes, If he wants to attend allow him to attend. .

Just remind him that if the casket is open he is not obligated to view it. Let him know , that he may see a lot of adults crying.

Explain the etiquette of how to greet the family.
Also let him know about the traditions with funerals.

Honestly, I don't think any of us have a full comprehension of what death means or it's finality until we are exposed to it. 9/10 years old seems about the age most people experience death (death of grandparent, pets, etc). He should be old enough to understand. I would just ask him- if he wants to go, fine. If not, that's ok too.

Gotta agree with the others -- at 9, he almost certainly understands enough to make his own decision about whether to attend.

The type of funeral might make a difference -- try to find out beforehand what sort of service it will be. Some religions have open caskets and some do not. Some tend to have a lot of emotion and/ or crying, while others tend to be quiet and solemn.

I would let your son decide.

My daughter (was a few months prior to her 9th birthday at the time) lost one of her good friends at school last spring. She had only known her at school for the one year, as my daughter just started at that school, but they were pretty good pals in class and on the playground.

She was in a car accident with her mother and several other relatives. She and her mother were the only survivors and were in ICU for weeks. After about the 3rd week, she passed away.

It was extremely tough on the kids and the school brought in grief counselors on the day they told the class. Fortunately, I had been in communication with my daughter's teacher, and she sent me an e-mail to let me know she had passed (it happened late in the day and the kids were not told at school until the next day). I was able to tell my daughter myself, at home that night before the kids at school were told. It was awful. She screamed and cried and grieved. We both did. The funeral arrangements were not made until a few days later, and it was about a week and a half later. During the interim, the school held a fund raiser (pay $.50 to wear a hat at school - "hat day") to help the family, as they were now paying for a 3rd funeral, and the mom was still in ICU. My daughter made a poster for it, and asked if she could give more than the 50 cents. She was upset the day of "hat day" because she almost forgot to wear her hat.

I told her when the funeral was, and asked her if she wanted to go. She did. So, we put on our best, and went. She chose a special hairband to wear, because it looked like a pompom and her friend had always liked it. I was a little worried when we got there b/c they had an open casket. I let my daughter know that she did not have to go down and view, we could just sit in the pews. But if she wanted to, I would walk down with her so she could look. She wanted to see her friend. So we went and viewed the body. Then took our seats. She was a trooper, and didn't cry at the funeral, though I couldn't help it myself.

She cried a few nights at home. One night I found her on her bed red-eyed and nose running, gripping the service bulletin from the funeral.

None of her grief would have been less, if she had not gone to the funeral. I think it helped her to accept that her friend was gone. It was hard. So very hard. Not the funeral so much, but knowing her friend was gone. But kids can really surprise you with how they deal with things. I don't think there is anything to be gained from avoiding funerals with children. Death is part of life.

My kids have been to other funerals before. Their great grandma, whom they probably only have very very faint memories of, they went to her funeral. A very kind lady from church died unexpectedly, and my son (who was 9 at the time) asked if they would be allowed to miss school, because he wanted to go to her funeral. And it wasn't to skip school, I promise. He loved school.

If your child has never been to a funeral before, talk to him about what to expect. Let him know that it is okay to cry, too. Let him lead you about what to do or how to deal with this loss. You might be surprised by him.

I'm sorry for your loss.

He is definitely old enough and although you shouldn't force him to go, you should strongly encourage that he attend.

His friend’s family and siblings will always remember that he was there. It will mean a lot to them.

Also, death is a part of life. It's good for him to experience this now. I know a lot of people who were weirded out to go to funerals in their teens because their parents never supported them attending wakes/funerals as kids.

If both you and your husband is attending the funeral and your son wants to pay his last respects, you should let him go. Explain what to expect and be ready for his questions after it is over. So sorry to hear of that loss...worse when it's a child. :-(((

What a sad event. I think your son should definitely be allowed to attend the funeral if his comprehension is normal in general and he has no unsusual emotional problems. Death is a fact of life, and to treat it as something that can't be faced turns it into a more terrifying threat. Our imaginations can create much worse horrors than reality.

Your son will have the opportunity to see how people handle grief and loss, how people sympathize and support each other, and how we somehow carry on in the face of the unendurable. All of this is important for normal emotional development.

My grandson really wanted to go to a beloved great-grandmother's funeral when he was not yet four, and if the journey was less expensive and rushed than it had to be, he would probably have been allowed to go. He still talks of her death occasionally with sadness. We empathize with his feelings, allow him to see our own sadness. And then we observe, because this is true, too, that sadness is a wonderful part of the whole experience of being alive. That always brings a tender smile.

Funerals of children are so hard. The dad will probably never forgive himself. I pray for peace for him and the famliy
I took my 8 year old to a funeral of a church member who was only 23. He died in a car crash. Philip did well, asked lots of questions, tried to comfort the mom. He was very respectful. We took him to the wake and the funeral the next day.
The boy who died was one of our youth leaders. My son knew him and the famliy well.

How terribly tragic for that family - what a huge loss. I think the answer depends on what you know about your son. We cant protect them from the world forever - he already knows that his pal has died. Perhaps you can ask him if he wants to attend the funeral as a way to say goodbye. I have a feeling he will give you a straight up yes or no answer.

When my sister was suddenly killed by a freak gun accident, I made arrangements for my 4 and 7 year old (just turned 7 the day before the accident.) But my 7 year old kept saying that she wanted to go. I kept telling her that she can't go because she'll have to sit real still and quiet and it will be very sad and boring for her. Then she said "But isn't this when we get to say good-bye to Aunt Ronna?" I let her go. She cried, walked to the casket with us all and said her good-byes. She did totally fine. 3 weeks later, my husband's grandfather died and we brought all of my children. Even my 4 year old understood. It was hard on our family and children as grief and stress often are, but they did fine. It made them appreciate things more and have a deeper understanding when they hear of other people going through similiar things. It also made the younger ones remember my sister. My prayers are with the family. I'm so very sorry!!

I would base you decision on your son's reaction. A funeral is for the living to say good bye. Your son will need to say good bye in some way. I would let your son know that both of you are going to the funeral and he can come if he wants. Explain to him what to expect at the funeral. If he really wants to go and you don't allow it, he will always regret not being able to go. (I wasn't allowed to attend my great grandfather's funeral at 5 and always wished I could have gone). If he is very afraid and doesn't want to go, don't force it. I don't know what your family beliefs are, but for us going to the funeral also shows respect for the person who died and for the family. So that would be part of the discussion. If you get there with your son and he is very upset/afraid (crying would be normal, that's not what I mean by upset) one of you could leave with him. I think it would mean a lot to the family to have his friend there. So sad. Poor Dad. This family will have a rough time for a long time. My heart breaks for them.

I agree with what other's have said. Allow your son to make the choice. Ask him, if he wants to go then let him. Sometimes people need that funeral to say goodbye, make the death real to them, or receive consolation from others. Follow his lead on this. At 9 he's able to make this decision.

Ask your son if he wants to go, and if the answer is yes then let him go.

Yes, he should go if he wants to. He is absolutely old enough to start comprehending the meaning and value of life & death. Perhaps if he attends the funeral, he will be better able to comprehend why it's so very important to use as much caution as possible while having fun. My heart goes out to the family :(

Ask him. He is old enough to understand what is happening, so explain what a funeral is for, for saying goodbye or paying respect, and than ask him if he would like to go or if he would rather say goodbye in his own way privately, and then support his decision.

give him the choice explain what a funeral is and let him decide.

If your son wants to go let him. We all have to face death eventually. He is old enough. I would explain to him what the service will be like before hand, and if it's an open casket I would explain to him that if you look at your friend this is might be the way you will remember him. I dont ever look in open caskets, that's just my preference. 9 is old enough tho, and i'm sure there will be other kids his age there as well. It will be therapeutic for them to get together.

I would take him. I have to many many funerals in my life. Most of the funerals were for people that lived a long happy life. Some where not.
I think it will help your son understand his death better. He is not a toddler so I am sure his grasp is more than you realize.
I will keep that family in my prayers.

I would allow your son to attend the funeral. He will get closure and can move on to new friends. My son lost two close friends when he was young. One he attended the funeral (at age 7) and the other moved away in the middle of the night (age 9) and he still grieves (37) at times when he speaks about him.

Your son will also learn about life and how things happen to good people and we do not know why he was called home but he was. There may be questions that are asked after the service (several weeks later) but be sure to answer them truthfully.

My condolences to your family.

The other S.

Ask him if he wants to go. Let him know that a funeral is a way for friends and family to say goodbye and share memories of him. If he doesn't want to don't make him, but if he does, let him. Hiding him from these types of things won't help him to understand.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Yes, I think he should go. At 9, he SHOULD have a pretty good understanding of what death is and that it's the end of life on this earth at least. Have a talk with him about whatever your beliefs are regarding death and any sort of afterlife if you believe in it. Reassure him that most of the time, kids DON'T die, but sometimes they do and that it's very sad -and even sadder than most deaths because children aren't supposed to die. Your son will be faced with death throughout his life, and he's definitely old enough to go to a funeral (especially of a teammate) and to understand it.

I agree with the others, let him decide what he wants to do.

Absolutely. Here are some great resources that will help you & others to better understand childhood grief: http://www.judishouse.org/index.php?s=53. Prayers for your son and this family.

9 can be confusing. You know enough about stuff to give you a lot to think about - but don't have the skills to really process all you know. It might be good for him. Funerals are sometimes very healing. The ritual is meant to bring closure. I have been to many funerals that were almost uplifting. I always feel better leaving a funeral than heading to one, just due to the kind words and the way things are put into perspective. I remember when I was that age my next door neighbor took his own life, my parents didn't think it was appropriate for me to go. So I just stayed home and dwelled on it. I had all sorts of thoughts going through my head and noone to really put them into perspective for me. I couldn't even articulate my confusion. Mostly, I wondered if he was going to Hell or if it was my fault for not noticing how sad he was. I now know that if I had gone to the funeral, I probably wouldn't have missed as much sleep over it. Preachers have a way of putting peoples minds to rest. I would give him the option to go but let him know if he feels uncomfortable and wants to leave at any time, that's ok too. Walk him through it so he will know what to expect. Coach him a little on etiquette. That can be overwhelming - not knowing what to say or what to do.

Yes, if he wants to go, I would absolutely allow it. At 9, he should have a thorough understanding of the concept of death. He is too old to be shielded from that, even if the funeral is a difficult or painful experience. You will surely find that many of the boy's classmates and teammates are there.

How tragic! If it were me, I would allow him to go. My son is 7 and if were O. of his friends I would allow him to attend at 7.
This might provide several life lessons and teachable moments--about life and death, friendship, safety and accidents. It will also allow your son closure. I'm sorry for the loss of his buddy. :-(

soo sorry for the loss, let him make that choice, i'd maybe explain to him what it is...has he ever seen a body in a casket? that may scare the patuties out of him if he hasn't (my daughter saw her first at 6-by accident) i didn't realize the casket was open before i had a chance to distract her or walk away. it worked out well in the long run...she has a full understanding of death and what it is now.

That's tragic to hear for such a young boy. I think it would be important for your son to be involved. As morbid as it sounds, death happens every day and it isn't going to go away despite hiding your child from it. He may only have a small understanding of what is going on, but now is a good time for him to experience this - grieving (and getting closure) is healthy and ignoring it is not. Especially as he gets older, going to funerals will unfortunately be part of life. Now if your son has a strong opposition to going, I wouldn't recommend forcing him to go. If he gets uncomfortable while you're there, you can always take him outside to talk. Just make sure he knows that you'll be there with him and can support him emotionally.

Why not leave it up to your son? If he wants to go, let him. If he says he'd rather not, don't force him to go. Children have to learn about death sooner or later. You could always get an opinion from your pediatrician. If it were my child, I'd allow him to go.

yes i think your son should still go pay his respects because wheather they were close or not they still had still memories together as team players

I'd ask him if he wants to go. If he does, i would let him know that if at ANY time he needs to leave, that you will take him home right away. Death is a hard thing for many of us to deal with, at many ages. Let him show you what he is able to deal with. What a sad tragedy. I am sorry for your loss. And hope your son handles it ok.

Leave it up to him. If he wants to go, take him...be prepared for one of you to step outside with him if necessary.

Depends on your child's emotional development. If he tends to have nightmares and cannot really handle something like this, yet, you might have to talk to him more to gauge whether or not this will cause him damage. But, if he's a typically developing child, he should be able to attend the funeral and say goodbye to his teammate. I'd probably find out if other teammates were attending, and then take time to prepare him as best as possible. And, let him know it's ok to cry and that he will see a lot of people crying. It's how we deal with really sad situations.

I really think you should allow him to go. Death is a part of life, and though its an unpleasant thing to deal with, you can show him how to be supportive of someone else who is going through a painful experience. If our kids don't learn from us who do they have to learn from? The main thing is to give him the chance to share how HE feels and if he cries, thats okay too, let him know in time it will get better and the child who passed on, his family has to adapt to a new normal that they have never encountered before. This happened in my family when my father (the Patriarch) of us all. We still miss him 16 years later, but I created a special book of memories for my Mom (they were married 37 yrs at that time) and now we "choose" to do things in his honor and keep the happy memories alive. Hope this gives you some positive insight.

My son is almost 9 and I think I would let him make the decision. My mom never used to give me the option when I was little and when my favorite great uncle passed away I did not want to go to the funeral so I pretended I was sick and stayed home w/ a babysitter. I hated that I was never given the option.

What a horrible tragedy! Simply ASK your son what he wishes to do. At 9 most children understand what death is and you need to show him how we show respect to the dead and their family. Good luck.

Definitely let your son be the one to make the choice. Especially since he was not real close with the child.

I would suggest you take him to the wake. If he handles it well and asks then go ahead and take him to the funeral. My oldest son had a best friend die in a car accident their senior year of high school. my younger son was 10 at the time. We took him to the funeral with us. He asked to go with us so he could also say goodbye. It was the saddest funeral I have ever been to. But my kids needed to say goodbye to her. She had been in and out of our house often.

Your son should be allowed to go...if that is his choice. Death is real and it happens every day. He needs to be allowed to grieve and be taught to grieve as well.

It depends on your son. How much he needs closure -- how much he needs to face or be protected from the grief he and the family feel.

I think funerals bring closure -- make things real instead of the person just being missing forever. However, if he wasn't close to the boy he may be shocked at the grief displayed by the family. You need to get him to talk about this to make a decision and perhaps ask him to way in on the decision himself.

I am so sorry for this family .

Updated

It depends on your son. How much he needs closure -- how much he needs to face or be protected from the grief he and the family feel.

I think funerals bring closure -- make things real instead of the person just being missing forever. However, if he wasn't close to the boy he may be shocked at the grief displayed by the family. You need to get him to talk about this to make a decision and perhaps ask him to way in on the decision himself.

I am so sorry for this family .

Dear TNTs mom,
So sorry for what your community must be going through. As for your son, from personal experience, if he wants to go, I would let him go. My dad died when I was 9. i am glad I was allowed to go to the service.

Hope this helps. May the memory of this little soul serve as a source of comfort to all those in mourning.
Jilly

I agree with most of the other posters. If he wants to go then you should let him. Or even plan on taking him and possibly encourage him unless he tells you he really does not want to attend. He will see other people grieving and will be better capable and feel more open to deal with his own grief. That is my opinion. It is such a tragedy.

I think that if your son wants to go and knows what will be happening at the funeral, then allow him to go.

Yes, leave it up to your son. Its easier on kids if they have some experience/exposure to funeral homes/wake/funeral etc... before its someone who they are close with. Plus you are showing him that you're going to support the family who is dealing with loss. It is good you've decided to go either way.

Well, it is a hard situation. I would call everyone I know that were friends and ask what the other parents are doing. If other parents are letting their kids go I would ask him if he wants to g, if they are not then I wouldn't even offer it as an option.

If he shows a real interest then of course take him, sit in the back section so if he decides he doesn't want to be there anymore one of you can step out with him.

Children go through the grieving process too. Whether or not your son was close to this child, he still interacted with him on a regular basis. He needs to be able to have closure. I suggest asking your son if he wants to attend the funeral. If he does, I would allow him. At 9-years-old, he should have a general understanding of death. If he does not, and if this proves to be too difficult for him, I would not force him to go to the funeral. In this very delicate situation, I would have your son make the decision. Either way, support him, and be there for him emotionally. Death, although difficult, is a normal part of life. Allowing your child to grieve like others in his life, may help him get through this.

Hello,
If this were my child, I would not let them go to the funeral. What I woudld permit is for them to attend a small service like a wake if one is being held. If not, maybe another option is to take a card to the deceased child's parents at their house.
If your son really doesn't comprehend what death means, a funeral may be a bit much or confusing to him.

This really depends on your son, and your families beliefs. My children would attend. However, as catholics we believe that you go and pray at funerals to help the soul and the survivors. Also my children attended my father's funeral, so they get it. How does your son feel? Will any of their fellow teammates be attending?

I think you should leave the decision up to your son. If he wants to go, let him. My mom died when I was 9 and I went to the funeral. My grandparents died before I was 5 and I went to their funerals. It never scared me, it was always my decision to go or not to go and it made me feel better. If your son wants to go, take him. If he gets uncomfortable while you're there just leave. Let him call the shots.