Help with My Marriage

I would be suspicious too. Sounds like he is unhappy and you are too. You need to see a counselor. Good luck.

F.,

My wife shares these with me occasionally when it's interesting or relative to our situation. Since I started a business about a year ago, it's been difficult financially for us. It's incredibly stressful on me because I'm on the phone until 10 at night trying to line up all my ducks for the next morning. It's hard for us to find time for togetherness but we still manage and we still love each other to pieces. It's tough for her to have me less but she's a trooper. None of it would be possible without a solid core going in to the transition. I'm usually good at reading situations from behavior and observing. My impressions of you and your husband are that your issues began before the business and have magnified since. First, I can see that there is a feeling in him of resentment toward you. He almost sees you as a source of stress most times. Maybe he feels like you nag him or that you need too much from him. I can't know specifically and maybe you've done nothing to deserve that. In any event, it seems to be his feeling whether you did anything to make him feel that way or not. He sees you as one to keep secrets from and he also feels like you are his problem. As if he could just get you to change or leave him alone, he'd be better off. Again, I'm not saying you deserve that, but it's what he feels. I've seen it a hundred times. What he fails to realize is that his business that he feels is so important, wouldn't be possible without his partner in it, you. You keep his home. He wouldn't have time for that without you. You provide him with extra income to cushion his slow times. You provide him with health care which he would have to pay for without you. You keep his books! Again, vital to his success. That's huge. My advice on that end, stop. No one thinks the military budget is important until plaanes fly in to the trade center. He doesn't take the time to realize how important you are until you aren't there. Next, the facebook and talking to other women. Bad. Assuming he sees you as a stress point, the women on there sympathize with him and make him feel good so he sees them as a source of salvation. Bad. There is no easy way to say it, given he's strayed before and now has access to a liberating, non committing relationship with new women, he is or is going to use them to feel better. Namely, sex and intimate relationships with one or more of them. You can do three things. Remain as you are and stay on this path, try to save him by practicing tough love by removing the vital things you provide to him to hope he realizes how much you actually do for him, or let it end and move on. At this point, he sees you as the enemy of his happiness so if you stop doing the things for him, it might make it worse. Only you can decide how best to approach it but I have to say, no matter what you do, please realize that you don't have any power right now. He controls things including your happiness. Never let anyone, I mean anyone, be in charge of your feelings but you!

Your feelings are understandable considering the situation... but have you ever considered his feelings in this situation? Check out http://wwnh.wordpress.com for some great posts that speak to this situation. What I am going to say is going to be hard for you to hear, but can save your marriage.

It does sound as if your husband is going back home to revisit one or more old flames. Look at it from his situation -- he comes home tired to a nagging wife who constantly demands things that he feels unable to provide. (Whether or not he *can* provide these things is beside the point, as is whether or not you are actually being nagging or demanding unreasonable things, because we're talking about his view of things.) His old girlfriends don't nag him; they don't demand things; they don't request things; they don't remind him of his inadequacies constantly; they don't complain about how he makes a living, etc. People online have no faults; people you live with have faults. The trick is to make yourself appear as faultless as your competition online. Bite your tongue. Stop complaining. Start giving. Apologize to your husband for having nagged him about the repairs of your home (do you honestly think he doesn't know they need to be done?) or whatever you fight about. It takes two to fight. Greet him in the evenings with a smile and let him unwind -- even if you don't feel like smiling and even if you also need a chance to unwind but don't get it. You have to make him feel important, or else he will find someone else who will.

Men and women have very different ways of looking at the world, and different requirements for happiness, and different ways of relating. Don't expect your man to act like a woman. Accept that there will be miscommunications in your relationship because of the differences inherent in your two different sexes. Stop worrying about trying to make him communicate in a more female way.

If you make him the king of your castle, he won't need to find another queen elsewhere, nor will he need to escape from his castle (do you see how ridiculous it is for a king to need to escape from his own dominion? only people who are being run out of their dominion or someone else's domain need to escape -- home should be an inviting and safe place, and it's the woman's job to make it so to her husband).

No, I don't think your husband is perfect and faultless; but I can't change him, and he's not asking for advice. Whenever two people are involved in something, there is always enough room for both to "give" a little. You start, and I can all but guarantee that your husband will also give (even if it might take him a bit longer than you wish, but probably not).

I'm not trying to be short with you or make it sound like I don't care, I do care. I know exactly what you're going through. My advice is to pray. Simply pray that God's will be done. satan's hold is weak and meaningless, therefore irrelevant. Tell satan to back off your husband. God will hear your prayer. So will satan. Be patient and stay the course.

You can only control YOUR actions or reactions, not your husband's. Be accountable for your's. Even if he's not doing the special things you wished he was, you do them for him. I know it's hard, especially when it goes unnoticed, but when you come through the other side, whenever and however that may be, you will be assured you did what you could do.

Don't insist you go or he not go. He'll only resent you. Explain to him, calmly, how it will make you feel.

I'll pray for your family unit.

B. Mazurowski
EduSmiles

No, you are not being unreasonable about his trip when it comes to your suspicion, given his new "connection" to old friends and the fact that he has had an affair before. It's not that you should hold the affair over his head indefinitely, BUT it is wise to recognize patterns of behavior that lead to affairs. In your shoes, I would say, do what you have to to go with him now in the time frame he is insisting on. Let him know that you are interested in being a part of his life just by being there.

As far as the marital issues go, this is not meant critically, but do you think it is possible that your husband feels the same way you have been feeling? Which is to say, is it possible that when you try to discuss things, you leave him feeling like you only care about your job, that it is more important to you than his work , that you only think about yourself? You are both under a lot of pressure between your job and responsibilities and his business and its responsibilities. It sounds like instead of sharing each other's burdens, you have both been shouldering your own stresses and resenting the other for not being there for you. I would highly recommend counseling as well as some quality time together, like a weekend get away. You need to reconnect with each other and mutually let go of the stress that is eating at you.

You are not being unreasonable and you should put a stop to this immediately. I would look for some advice as to how to talk to him without giving him an ultimatum... I wish I had this to give you, but I am already angry for you and anger serves no purpose when your relationship reaches this point. It doesn't sound like he's having an affair, yet! But he isn't far from it and you probably know that at this point. He's throwing the you don't respect me and my family because he's pointing out his own faults. You know how we always see in others what we dislike about ourselves... anyway... Do what you can to save your marriage short of losing your self worth and self respect. If he is not willing to get counseling with you (which I recommend) then he may not deem your relationship worthy of saving. This is very serious and you need to do what's best for YOU! Please talk with anyone who has Good-Sound advice to offer you... church/friend who is therapist/etc. You should not be last in line of concerns nor should your marriage. I hope that you are able to broach this subject in a manner that will allow him to see the importance! Good luck.

I know there are people who will disagree with me, but I also see you've gotten varying viewpoints already. I recommend reading an awesome book Created to be His Helpmeet by Debi Pearl. You may not agree with everything it says, but it gave me a vastly different viewpoint on my dear hubby. I am so thankful that I did not leave years ago when I wanted to. There's a reason you married that man, and before you give it up, I would do everything I possibly could to save your marriage. Please look into reading this book!

Owning a small business can be very rewarding, but sometimes the rewards aren't worth the "cost", namely to the family of a happy, calm husband.

My husband started professional school soon after we got married, and it was a tough four years because he was so busy with his schooling and studies. I often resented him for how much he was away, and because I was our sole income (besides student loans). I was often bitter and angry when he did get home (late, or not), and he told me before that he often had a knot in his stomach as he pulled into the driveway, expecting the usual from me. I finally read Dr. Laura's book the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, and we both decided to make a change (this was soon after he finished school). We went from constantly fighting and me nagging and having hurt feelings, to a blissful, wonderful marriage.

In his career, he is still gone an awful lot, but I have the proper attitude about it, and I am loving and supportive, and he is in return. I also accepted that he is not a handy man, and in our marriage it is worth paying someone to do the things that he is not wanting to do. That ended a lot of our battles right there.

The first page in Dr Laura's book, however, explains who the book does not apply to, namely abusers, or men who aren't "good". If he is the average guy, who needs affection and support from his wife, then it would apply. If he truly is a selfish bastard, then it won't help.

I would highly recommend reading it (check it out from the library even) and apply what she recommends and see if it doesn't make a difference. Maybe he truly does need some alone time to think on the road. Or, maybe he does have some extra curricular activities planned. It doesn't hurt to calmly talk to him about it, especially considering his track record. He should be willing to allay your concerns, if he is innocent. You might say something like "I am afraid that you want to take this trip alone to hook up with other women", and see what he does with that. Ask him to tell you why you shouldn't be worried about that.

Also, I have heard Dr. Laura say on her radio program, that it is a common tactic of a not-so-good guy to try to blame the wife for everything and make her feel like she is being unreasonable or paranoid, when in fact she has valid concerns and is being very reasonable. You'll have to be the judge of that, and you already know what he is capable of (affairs). But, like my husband, is he just responding to all the negativity and put downs that he is also getting at home? You said he hasn't done anything special for you in ages. Have you done anything special for him? Dr Laura explains that good men (not habitual cheaters or creeps) don't stray unless they are not getting what they need at home. Greet him with a hug and kiss when he gets home, his favorite dinner, and some love in bed (you both can enjoy all of the above) - every day, and see if he is still so eager to take this trip alone.

Anyway, you're in a tough spot, and I wish all the best for you.

Sounds like you already know what you need to do. He's going to cheat again. You're miserable with him. You have an income and insurance. You should send him on his way and make good use of his absense to get your divorce ducks in a row.

Hey F.,

I am so sorry that you are going through a difficult time. You didn't say how long you have been married etc, but I am afraid from my perspective anyway that your marriage is definitely in trouble. I was married for 32 years to a man I loved who loved me for many of those years. He got in touch with an old girlfriend through classmates.com and to make a long story short, went to visit his family and ended up starting an affair with her. He had been putting distance between us before that, but I believed it had to do with his PTSD (VietNam veteran) issues and tried to be understanding. And yes, he did find fault with me and discounted my intelligence and my contributions to our life. It has been six years since I told him to go live with her. He too had an affair early in our marriage, but this time, I decided that I couldn't go through all that uncertainty and pain again knowing that there could be other potential relationships to come. That relationship lasted about 6 months, but it ended a 32 year marriage, broke my heart and destroyed my kid's respect for their dad. I have done quite a bit to take care of myself and heal. It is a difficult decision and has long reaching consequences.

All that said, I know how tough this is and I will be praying for you. I hope you can find a way to stop him from doing something with such lasting and sad consequences, but if he has decided to cheat there isn't much you can do to stop him. It is, after all, his choice. Good luck and if you need to talk I am here.

Take care of YOU,
B. B

My husband and I are currently working through a book called 'His Needs, Her Needs'. It is very insightful. It is something that you do together. I highly recommend it.

I was in your same situation last year. My husband became very selfish and I could do nothing right. He moved out in August, right before our 15th anniversary. He filed for divorce in October. In the meantime I worked on myself and prayed for him. I took a class at my church about codependency. I learned I can't make him feel differently. I have to be responsible for me only when I go to heaven. It is not my responsiblity to change him. God can only change him. I continued to pray and I could feel myself changing. I could make it on my own.
We both continued to go to church just at different services. In December I could see he was changing. We dated in January and he moved back in in February. Our church did a series on the "Fireproof" movie. We did the "Love Dare" book that goes along with the movie. I highly recommend both. They changed our marriage. It is not about what you get but how much you give. I didn't deserve any of the awful things my husband did to me but God tells us we have to forgive. I was not perfect in our marriage and neither was he. Sin is Sin.
The divorce never went thru. We are very happy now but we can't take our marriage for granted anymore. It is WORK! We had to get God back in the center. We went thru a lot this past year but we are stronger now. Our three kids are a lot happier now too. Without forgiveness and prayer we would not be a happy family. I pray your husband will come to his senses soon. Don't give up, Look Up!!

F., after reading your first responder, I have to say....he's completely right. You don't mention how old your husband is?? Not that it should matter but I've even caught myself feeling more selfish lately and have had to rethink what's going on in my life. I also have Facebook, as does my husband, which I think works well because I can see who he is visiting with, however, you can always send messages that others can't read....it's a very difficult thing to deal with once you've had that "seed of doubt" planted.

Personally I have always felt that a person's happiness and sanity are what matter most. Life is too short to be in a relationship/job/whatever, where you cannot feel important, special and happy. I know people give up way too quickly nowadays in marriages, but if you've given you best, put 110 percent into like you have, and still nothing works, then you have to face reality. I agree with the gentleman who says, try doing nothing for him for awhile and see how he responds...just be prepared for him to either not notice, or not care. It sounds to me like he won't care and will continue to do his own thing. Also, my personal opinion, if someone puts you down constantly you need to get away!!! I grew up with a dad that put us kids and my mother down and even now, my brothers both feel they are useless...both are successful in their lives but they don't "see" it. Luckily my husband is very supportive although he did put me down for awhile until I told him it had to stop! Sometimes they just don't realize what they are saying.

I hope this helps somehow and I wish you the very best.

I suggest you read "The Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It's very enlightening. Good luck!

Hi F.,

You never mentioned children. So I'm assuming there are none. It's time that you wake up to your inner voice. What is it saying to you? Dear, it is time to take care of you. Stop thinking of him and put yourself first. Get pampered with a full body massage, meet new people, do something for you!
From my stand point let him go! I want you to email: ____@____.com or call ###-###-#### M-F 9-6pm EST her name is Mrs. Gloria J. Anderson-Little and ask her about "the meat in the garbage can" and tell her that D. Friday on www.blackstartupbiz.com sent you; also, you can join this social network for free! Do it now!
Stop being a punching bag, darling. We love you and if you need someone local to talk to my number is ###-###-####.
God Bless!
D. Friday

you might want to give him some space but while hes gone pray about it make a list of the things he does for you verses the things you do for him that can show you if your being selfish or not some times people grow apart and unfortenately a marrage needs to be worked at on both sides.keep it in prayer!!! and if when he returns things are not better seak marrage councleing usually your paster can councle.best of luck!god bless

Hi F.. I would watch the movie Fireproof together. It's a wonderful movie about two people in the same situation that you are in. It will give you a different view about what it really means to be married. Counseling is always a plus. I hope things work out. Your family will be in my prayers. Stay strong and fight for your marriage.

I would encourage marriage counseling. It sounds like you all need some help.

wow honey. I'm sure that you've discussed with him how you feel. You may want to seek some professional help with how to deal with him. I know that starting a business is hard, but you're not the one he needs to take it out on. What would happen if you stopped doing his paperwork, laundry, cooking, cleaning and if the health care went away for him? Perhaps he needs to take a more careful look at his situation.

I will keep you in my prayers for strength and wisdom and courage.

huge red flag when he says he wants to go alone. hes planning something he doesnt want you to know about. sounds like hes already disconnected see if you can get in couples therapy. i have been where you are... it hurts

I know I'm late on this, and I didn't read any other responses, but I would REALLY encourage you to call Focus on the Family and ask for resources. They had a really good radio broadcast once about women who don't take up for themselves and how to do it. A man will never give you respect unless you truly expect it. It sounds like you're a giver and he's a taker. It takes both people doing both (in different aspects), and I'm not sure you're doing any 'taking', therefore he is doing it all . . . Please call FOF (800) 232-6459 on Monday and tell them your plight. They'll come up with something for you!!

Wow - RED FLAG! I have been there, and you are absolutey right to be concerned. After going through a divorce myself and now working on a new soon-to-be marriage, I feel I have learned a lot. One of the biggest things to consider is that no matter how right you are, you need to make him feel like you hear him, too. It's possible that he's pulling away because he doesn't feel "good enough", or appreciated, or loved. Getting in touch with old highschool friends can be fun and distracting, and ultimately trick him into thinking it would be funner to go back than to deal with the current stresses in life. He needs to be reminded of his responsibilities, his love for you, and... very important - your love for him. Follow the advice of some of these other posts and seek out some support from well-respected books and/or movies. They can teach you a lot about how to handle this situation in a manner that will be beneficial for both of you. Best of luck!!

F.,

You really need to take care or yourself, and get some counseling. As fast as you can. They way you are telling it makes this trip and the last few months or years seem like an uh- o moment in your life. I know when my husband started to spend less and less time with us I started living my own life and I had money set aside (still do) he felt as if he was missing out and he was. He turned around, but it's always an up and down round and round life. Take care, and good luck.

I'm am so sorry to hear what you're going through, I know how painful it can be. It does sound like things are on the edge and there little communication. I would not suggest letting him go alone to see his family with his recent connections to "old friends", this is playing with fire, especially if has had an affair before and he has been treating you unkindly now. You are not being unreasonable, but since he is playing the game of justifying all his actions by blaming you, it is a hard battle. First thing is to stop arguing with him, it just goes nowhere and gives him justification to be mad at you, they start fights on purpose so they can say you two don't get along. Not easy I know. Try hard to be the person he
fell in love with, even if he is not the one you fell in love with, you have to change first, not fair I know.
This is only if you want to save the marriage. This is a really good website with tons of info. it is christian
based, but still with basic good advice for relationships.
I wish you all the best, I know that pain.
marriagebuilders.com

You need to go to the library immediately and check out "Love must be Tough" by Dr James Dobson. This is your answer, it is all in there. How to handle a husband just like yours. You are on a road to diaster if you dont get him back in step with your marriage and your committment to one another.
Time is of the essense. Tricia

Watch the movie "Fireproof".
I think that movie could help anyone with marital problems.

I am surprised you say that you feel secure in your relationship and are not jealous when he has cheated before! You are an amazing women that is for sure. If you are that amazing, you surely deserve better than him. There is NO WAY my husband would be going out of town w/ out me and driving alone if he was acting this way, had an affair in the past, AND has been talking to other women from his past. He IS selfish and IS mistreating you and IS disrespecting you. You need to stand tall, make him respect you, make him treat you as his wife, etc Absolutely NOT! You go with him or have him followed. I am sure other wives would disagree but marriage is sacred and you take vows for a reason. He is making you like an idiot! Be strong or get rid of him........a few pics of him on the 'trip' might help your cause if you need them in the end. I do hope I am wrong, I do believe in the sanctity of marriage and I do hope he is not misbehaving.

Good luck, W.