Help with TEENS Talking on the Phone Too Much!

Time to have her cook a meal a week (planning, shop & cook) or get involved in an outside activity such as sports, first Aid class, volunteering. Family Game night - even if it's video games. If she has no other activity why leave her room? Ask her to have him over for dinner and prepare a meal for him and remind her he will see her room so it needs to be clean...even better, invite his family so she will be even more interested in cleaning up the house!

Try the Love and Logic Foundation. You'll find them via internet. I have used many of the techniques and have found amazing results.
Good Luck

My mom always used a timer with us. I am the youngest of 6 children, 5 girls and 1 boy. When the timer went off we were to be off of the phone. It started with a 3 minute limit and then when we got older it was 10 minutes. She also explained to us that although the phone was a major part of life for us at the time, it was inconsiderate of others in the house to be on the phone for so long that no one else could use it.

HI,
I have four kids, a boy 9, a girl 12, a boy 14, and a girl 16 and the 16 year old girl is on her phone alot too. The kids all have their own phones, except for the 9 year old. And really it's only the girls on their phones. I think it's part of who we are as women, talkers and communicators and we love 'relationship'. It's how we're built inside. To relate. So, I personally think it's all part of learning how to relate, be a friend, care etc. If she's doing her work and stuff, maybe you could just provide some distractions like a nice hike with you or a coffee drink at starbucks so you can get her alone. Once you have her heart back, where you two are relating more, then tell her how you think that being a friend starts at home too, and you would love her to begin to help you with some of the many chores that are required to keep the house up. I've found that when I ask my 16 year old girl to just do stuff for me, it doesn' happen. But, when I really connect with her on a heart level, then she responds better. Still not as much as I'd like, but, it's a start. And for that I'm glad.
Hope this helps.
Dollirae
Newbury Park, CA

I have no idea how to help! lol. I just know I have to respond to read all of your responses!
I am guessing they will say to "set limits" on her phone use. But sometimes it is more of a hassle for you than its really worth. If shes getting her homework done I would be ok with it. Well, maybe make sure her chores are done beofre she gets on that phone.
:) C..

I had a similar situation with my daughter when she was 15. She "talked" online with a young man she met through an art website for hours. Her grades eventually suffered, and because of the time difference (he lived in Europe), she was exhausted, irritable and eventually isolated herself from other friends because the "relationship" became all-consuming. Although your daughter is talking to somebody locally, you still have the right as a parent to limit how often or how long she talks on the phone. Seems like an hour a night is plenty! Also, maybe you can encourage her to invite the boy over to watch a movie or have dinner with the family. When I found out how much time my daughter was spending online with this boy, I intervened, and eventually got to know him myself to make sure he wasn't an online predator. He wasn't, thank God, but I wish I would have known earlier how much time and energy she was investing in this kid--it was overkill. Good luck!

I'm no expert here, I only have a two year old son. But I do remember being a 15 year old girl. I think you have allowed your daughter to feel that this behavior is ok. Whether or not she's a great kid, good grades, etc. does not excuse her from her family in the house. My advice would be to only allow her somewhere around an hour window of telephone time per day and not while it is time for bed or dinner either. She needs to be more involved with her family after school, even if it is just sitting at the dinner table engaging in conversation. Family time is crucial on a daily basis no matter what it is but it should be productive together as a family.

I also suggest you call Dr. Laura on KFI am radio (1-800-DR-LAURA between 12PM - 3PM). There may be a reason you have allowed your daughter to talk on the phone for hours upon hours and she could help you get back the control you're lacking right now with her.

I had the same problem with my daughter at the same age, she is now 16 and I find that what I did has worked with her. I took all the house phones and put them in my room every night at 9:00pm. I told my daughter that after school once her homework was done she could use the phone for one hour. Then she had to complete her chores and have dinner with the family before she was allowed to use the phone again. This worked but she would then stay on the phone all night. So I started taking the phones into my room with me at 9:00pm. On Weekends she is allowed to have the phone all night if her chores and homework is done. During the week she talks from about 7:00pm to 9:00pm every night but her chores are done, her homework is done her grades are good and I get the phone back at 9:00pm.

have you considered taking the phone out of her room at night, and/or taking the lock off her door? the locked door might become a safety issue in case of an emergency. She lives in your home, not the other way around.
P. Stanton mother of 3 young adults who all went through the tough teen years; I'm also a HS teacher in a boy's boarding school.

Ok, you are WAY too nice about all this. There is NO reason for your daughter to be on the phone all that time! Here's the deal the kids (both) DO NOT get to do anything at all until all their chores are done. No hanging out w/friends, no phone, computer, tv, etc etc. whatever it is they like to do. My rule was this: you come home from school, you get a snack, you do your homework, you do your chores...PERIOD!! Then whatever time is left is yours.
As for your daughter, this applies to her, but extra rules: NO ONE calls after 8:30pm (this was my time) you can be on the phone for only 1 hr and no more than 1 hr per night. That rule applies to 1 or 20 phone calls. 1 HOUR TOPS!! I have 4 children, 2 boys, 2 girls. The youngest is 18 now.
The problem with parents today is they don't want to "hurt" their kids feelings or "invade" their privacy. Who's the parent??!!! Be consistent, don't waiver or they won't believe you. Quit being Mrs. Nice guy, they will eventually get over being mad and have more respect for you!

That sounds like i did as a teenage girl. I was pregnant at 15!
Not that it will happen, but who is to say it wont. You are the parent. Decide what you think is acceptable (re: phone time, dating, chores, etc.) and stick to it. Explain why, and don't budge. You are the parent. She and your son will thank you in 10 years. You will thank you too.

I think that you could maybe have a phone/chores rule....Like she only gets to be on the phone if chores (specific, consistent) and homework are done. But the phone thing seems harmless. Of course it would be nice if teenagers had only constructive hobbies but of course that's not the case. Maybe see if you invited her boyfriend over for dinner once a week, and they could hang out at your house more often, you could get to know him too while allowing them to be close....and supervised. But if you try and cut down on their communication, you could be facing rebellion.

Your kids are running the house. You need to be a parent, set limits, and insist they fulfill their responsibilities around the house. Give your daughter a "phone time" limit. Sometimes parents have to do things that they "find hard" and be willing to be "mean" in the eyes of the children in order to be parents.

An idea re. the room? No phone calls unless it's clean. She'll whine, complain, and throw fits, but she'll do it. The fit-throwing will stop once it becomes a habit.

Greetings fellow MOM,

As the single mother of two girls, age 16 and 9, I can only tell you what works for me. At some point in our childrens lives we have to hold them accountable. I prefer sooner then later. My children have chores (responsibilities). If they do not complete their chores, there are consequences. I start taking cell phones, laptops, extra-curricular activities away, etc. I do not allow my 16 to talk on the phone past 9:00 PM. I personally dont feel children need to be on the phone after 8:00 PM. That is a time, they should be preparing for the next day or family time.

It sounds like you are trying to be your childrens friends vs their parent. Our children have too many outside distractions this day in age. We as parents have to give them structure. Setting up some guidelines is the only way we can raise our children in this day and time.

Although, your children are achieving in school, they are not achieveing at home. Set some ground rules, like washing dishes, taking out the trash, washing their clothes. Allow your son and duaghter to cook dinner at least one night a week. I can't tell you how many of my friends that came to college with me, that couldnt cook, clean or wash their own cloths.

I am not saying that you have to turn your house into a child labor camp. Im just saying make them accountable. All I ask my children to do is their school work, chores and respect my rules. In return, I will take the to their practices, provide grocery, buy their clothes, give them their allowance, and love them unconditionally....

My way is not perfect, but it has brought results....

V.:

Welcome to the site valerie! Im E. L. and raised two daughters as well as foster children. I now have grandchildren...my approach will probably be a bit more hardline than most...but here you are.

If the call is local and it is all about a money issue...then relax... but I don't think that is realy your concern. You don't need an excuse to tell your daughter to hang up the phone and get to work on something that will actually feed her mind besides her social bling.

At this age teens are learning all about priorities and time management.

How are her grades? Her homework? What are the standards regarding these things in your home? The fact is...being on the phone is optional and so she exercises that option. Why is it optional? Does she have her own phone? Bad plan.

That being said...this can become an explosive issue easily...so pick your battles. Rather than cutting her off, I suggest you limit her time by engaging her in something of higher purpose or importance to the family importance first... cooking dinner maybe? Running errands on her bike? Leave the ingredients out and she can pull it together. What about laundry? Does she know how to separate and wash properly? Now THAT is a life skill that she will need.
I think she has talking on the phone down pat.

Another suggestion is to 'interrupt' the habit by breaking the flow of the child's life. By this I mean...sending her to summer camp in another state...off to see grandma for a month in the summer... and so on. Do not call attention to the fact that your purpose is to 'separate' the two kids...just let the time do it's trick. One or both will get bored and move on.

My suggestion with your daughter is to tell her the only way she can have the privilage of talking on the phone as much as she does is for her to clean and orgainize her room as she talks, if she doesn't do it, limit her time to 15 minutes. Stick with it and be firm. Also, have you meet this boy she is talking with? If not you'd better meet him so that you will know if you want her to spend this much time talking to him.

My youngest is now 19 (boy) and he used to spend lots of time on the phone to his girlfriend and talk for hours about nothing (well nothing to me), but as it turns out they really helped each other by talking about all the crazy things and life teens are going through these days. They have since broken up, but they still confide in each other with their feelings and help each other out. They are good friends and I feel it's so nice to have a FRIEND of the opposite sex because it is a rare thing (especially with guys). Hope this helps.

Hi there! Mother of four here, only one still under the age of 20 so I've done the teen thing. It is not easy, and it will get harder. It struck me, while reading your post, that your daughter seems to be the "boss" in your home. She is doing what she wants, when she wants. you don't have to turn into a complete nag, but if you don't give this girl some limits and enforce them, you are in for big trouble in a few years. I was a reclusive teen, and a few of my kids were, and that's fine--- to a point. She needs to give a little to get a little. She needs to have a certain amount of chores each week, and she needs to do them ON HER OWN, or at least when reminded. Doing the chores will earn her privileges, one of them being spending a set amount of time on the phone each day. OR, you can do what my dad did --- he had me buy and pay for my own phone line. I had a summer job at your daughters age, so I bought the phone and payed the bill each month. But even with that, my dad ( who happened to have been the best dad on the face of the earth, by the way) would never have let me do all the talking I wanted to on the phone. You are at a dangerous point in the lives of your kids. They want more freedom, and they do not want to be told what to do. Although excessive strictness will almost always backfire on parents, you do need to set certain rules and limits and make sure they are respected. Do not buy into the dream that as long as grades are good, all is well. Teenage trouble can sneak up on you, and before you know it you could have a serious issue on your hands. I know - been there and done that. You are going to need to walk a thin line between wanting not to make waves and making sure your daughter has reasonable limits, and is sticking to them. Please be careful. Teenagers can break your heart and rip your guts right out --- even the "good" ones. Setting reasonable limits now -- and making sure they are respected --- can save your family from a world of heartbreak. It's not easy for easy-going moms, but it is so, so necessary. Good luck!

It doesn't matter if your kids have good grades or the phone calls don't cost money. You have to set limits for them. Talking on the phone non-stop is unacceptable. I remember when I was a teenager and I would have talked on the phone all night long if my parents hadn't given me a time when I needed to get off the phone. Of course, I would try to sneak and talk after they went to bed, but once they were on to that trick, I quickly learned to obey the rules. Good luck!

V.,

I wouldn't worry too much of it not being a good thing when she talks to much to one boy. Teenagers can talk about nothing for hours and it suits them just fine. I remember when I was younger, doing the same thing and it was just to hear that person's voice.

Now for the cleaning and maybe restricting some time.... It may be harder to break a habit since you let her start off the way she is. You may have some resistance at first but set down some house rules and use the phone as a reward. I know you don't have to pay for her phone calls but if it is getting in the way of her daily life and helping out around the house, you may want to use it as a reward. Sit down with her and give her a detailed list of things you expect her to do and take care of daily or weekly. If she can't keep up with them, than she can't talk on the phone. "Work first, play later"! Talking on the phone, shopping, going out, T.V. are all things that are a privilege and should be treated as such.

Our girls are a little bit younger but they already know that they cannot do the fun things on the weekend if their chores are not done. They are 3,8, and 10. My 8 and 10 year old were taught how to clean their bathroom from top to bottom the correct way and we watched them the first couple of times. They are in charge of cleaning their rooms every weekend and dusting them. The 3 year old we are starting off with the basic putting things away in their proper place. She tends to want to just put them where she sees room. The things the girls value the most right now for us are the kid websites, having play dates, going over to friends houses and watching t.v. They can't do any of that until things are done and checked off by one of us.

When I was younger, I had the same rules. I wasn't allowed to talk on the phone unless my homework was done or my chores were. It didn't always happen every night and I griped about it a lot but it sent me off with strong values of getting things done first.

Hope this helps but if you want her to change, you may have to put your foot down a little harder. Asking and hoping she gets around to it in a timely manner may not be getting the right message to her. She needs to know you mean now and right away. Have a great week.

If I were in your situation, I would sit my kids down and tell them that there are new rules. Maybe give them an hour limit each night with a few hours on the weekend. Tell them that you miss them and want to spend more time with them. As for the cleaning I was there not too long ago but in your daughter's position. My mom liked everything tidy and I didn't care. I guess I don't really have any advice but I'm sure your daughter appreciates that you don't nag. Why don't you ask her to tidy up once every _____ (fill in the time frame that you can actually handle) and then schedule it on the calendar. As for the chores, you just have to stick with it and insist on them helping. Once again, schedule this chore at the same time every day so that it becomes routine. Like if it's taking out the trash, tell him he'll need to do that before doing his homework or watching tv, etc. Good luck.

Val
I've been there, you do need to set some guidelines as far as the phone use is concerned. Give her a certain amount of time that she is allowed, and stick to it! She will try to test you, and both you and your husband need to set limits. They do go thru this phase of being on the phone alot, but it will eventually fade. Remind her that she may get more time if she helps around the house. As far as her room is concerned, just don't look. My girls were the same way, and I just let them have their space. I did go in there occasionally and remind them to clean. And when I was really frustrated, I went in there with my camera and told them these pictures would be in their scrapbooks so their own children would see how messy their rooms were. Things sort of changed after that,I guess they figure their kids will have the same problem. Good luck!

My suggestion is that the phone is a privilege, therefore, she cannot talk on it until daily household chores are completed. I would also put limits on the time she is on the phone. Another thought is that she find a job (my first job was at McDonald's when I turned 15) and buy her a prepaid phone. She can only use so much of her paycheck to buy more minutes on the phone. If she uses it all in one shot, too bad, she'll have to wait until her next paycheck for when she can buy more minutes.

Dear V.,
It seem like you have to take charge of your household and children by setting rules and giving out consequences. Put order back into your children lives and stick a routine and when they break the rules you must enforce the consequences................For instance you daughter restrict her usage for the phone and give set hours(eg. 7:30-9pm) after that she is forbidden to receive or make any phone calls.............Have your children be INVOLVED with responsbile daily chores , home work, and family time before any other activites are done......Also get the children involve with outside fun events, dance musice, sports etc........................ Good Luck!!!

Hi V.;

I raised four children, 2 boys and 2 girls. My eldest is 25 yrs old and married with daughter of 17 mths old, 21 yrs old son lived and studied in NY for video and games designer, 16 yrs old is also in Junior College, 14 yrs old was freshman in high school. When they're growing up the two adults help me out within the house and also babysitting the two little ones. I am stayed home mom because my husband owned a Computer Imaging Business. I took care of everything in the house while he supported all of us. I keep the children busy with schools,extra curricular activities,boy scouts,girl scouts,soccer, art,music, dance,theater lesson. They're all good in school. They're not a perfect children but they work hard in school. Three children are played 5 musical instruments and joined band from elementary,middle school,high school. My 21 yrs old son also played Clarinet but he loved art so much that he didn't joined the band in high school. I have routine for all of them. I don't allow them to walk home even thought our house is close to the school because of their routine. When they come home from school, they're sitting down with each one of the table doing homework while having a snacks. Then after they done with their homework, I have to drive them to their lesson or extra activities. When they comes back from activities, they're relaxing or doing a reading of books,playing with brother and sister while I am getting ready for dinner. At 6:30 pm, my husband comes home from work and we are all sitting down and having a meal,family conversations. But one thing I remembered, everything they do, I have some limits of talking to phone,they have their bedtime at 8:30 pm because they wake up early in the morning. No television,no computer,no phone hooked in their room. They needed a discipline how they used their extra time wiesely. I am not a control freak mom but I would like to learned my children how to used their time wisely. No guest or friend allow to go to their bedroom because this is their privacy. All guest and friends can only stayed in living room,dining room area where I could walk around my house and check of them occassionaly. Even thought the children are doing well in school and maintain their grades, they still have to limit their freedom at the younger age. I always remember to remind them that someday they will be in the real world, they needed to learn how to be discipline their mind and body. Always learn how to do things in priority. You are the mom and the Queen of the Household, you have to set up rules and regulations in your own house. Also what I learned is we have to give this children a tough love. I don't know how's your household work but mine works this way. Now that the two adults are gone and two more teenagers living in the house but I still keep on eye on them constantly and keep guiding them for their own benefits. My 16 yrs old daughter is going to Junior College but I allow her to hang around with her high friends because in Junior College, I explain to her that mostly of the students there are adults and she is not ready yet to hang around with adults in school even thought she is in Junior College. I still help her accomplish her Girl Scout Gold Award because I am also a Girl Scout Co-Leader of her troop. I also helping my son to accomplish his Eagle Scout Award and getting involve to be a Merit Badge Counselor. Teenagers still needed our supervision and guidance. Having to talk to the boys after school and until at night is too much freedom of using her phone. She needs to follow your rules in your house or else you can take her phone away if she does not obey your rules. She also need to contribute doing some chores in the house because she lived there two. It is a challenge for all moms who are raising a teenagers because they generations is different from us when we are growing up. Give her lot of advise,love,attention. Also spend some quality time with her shopping or doing anything just by two of you, that's one way of her getting out of the phone and the house. Do or plan a family outing as family. Maybe she likes the attention of boys or give her your attention. Good luck.

A.

I have 3 boys, 15, 13 and 10. They are all active in sports and for some odd reason, they can't figure out how to put their dirty clothes in the laundry room. It gets pretty bad. I work full time in cardiac clinic and come home tired, the last thing I want to do is battle with dirty jock straps everywhere. A few things that I do to regain control of my house is rules: You are going to sound like a nag no matter what because they are at that age ( I don't even need to explain that one). If you don't set rules, they will take advantage. They need to participate in house chores and other requests that you need help with. If they don't help around the house, they don't get the phone. Tell her that after she puts her laundry away, she can talk on the phone, but for a certain amount of time. Set some basic rules and stick to them. Get them in the habit of doing it. I give the boys a few chances and then I lay it down. Sure they roll their eyes and complain, but it gets done. If they don't do it, I take the X-box 360 until they get it together. If it gets serious, I'll even have them skip sports practice or games and do what they were asked to do. It's a battle, but it will get better as they get older. Some kids are naturally organized and neat, I was, but my boys are all the opposite and it's ok. Remember it is your home, your rules, and they need to respect your authority. You can have fun with them and be a cool mom, I agree with that, but you also have to be able to set those rules and stick with. They will benefit from it. (My boys are also doing great in school, but I still gotta let em' have it sometimes!!!) take care and best of luck with your teens!

Hi V.,

I am the mother of an 8-year old, but have heard some things along the way that might be of use to you--for instance, talking to our kids about the concept that living in our house in our family is a privilege...so the idea would be that in order to have the privilege of being part of your family, and using the phone, etc. your daughter needs to observe some ground rules. Even if her excessive phone use is not costing you money, it's not considerate of the rest of the family to hog it til all hours, and forfeit all family activity. Perhaps there is some amount of time that is okay--an hour per day? A half hour? Setting a limit seems appropriate. If she doesn't observe the limit, she will lose the phone privilege altogether. I don't think skipping out of family meals and other family activities to talk on the phone should be allowed either, but that is for you to decide.

Regarding the messy room, maybe there are some ground rules for both kids, again, in the spirit of "things we all need to do in order to enjoy the privilege of living here and being part of this family." Maybe she has to vacuum once a month, put laundry away, I don't know. Maybe allow her not to be a neat freak, but insist on some ground rules that the whole family can agree to. I have also heard about the concept of a family meeting--the whole family could meet to discuss these things. Your daughter could join the conversation and talk about how to solve these problems. Would help break up the mom vs. daughter dynamic, though perhaps some of that comes with adolescence--it did with mine!

Good luck--interested to hear what happens.

V.,

I skimmed through your answers and I especially agree with your first response. Try to include this young man with your family so that you can learn more about him.

Also, about the phone, my advice is to sit her down with the phone bill and educate her on how expensive it is. Give her a set amount that she can use the phone. A hour or two would be good. Any more time needs to be earned before she gets on the phone. Set up a privilege chart with cleaning and cooking that she can earn more time. Put a cap on the maximum time each day and how late phone calls can go. Put eveything in writing so that she can't pull the old "I thought you meant ...". Also, if you have call waiting she needs to pick up and pass on the phone to who they are calling for.

Hope this helps

Evelyn

I had that problem a few years back. I did my best to tell her how inconsiderate she was being, by being on the phone at all hours of the day and night. I set a time limit on her calls, and the amount of calls she is allowed to make. It finally got so bad that I had to remove all access to the phone. She was not allowed to be home alone if we were not there, because all she would do is stay on the phone. SO if we needed her for something, or needed her to do something, we could never get thru. I removed the phone from her room, had the outlet turned off. And at night, we took the phone into our room with us. We had to turn off her cell phone because she was abusing the right to use it. It was understood that she was only to use it for emergencies on the road, but we found her using up all our minutes, and the bill would get jacked way up, we couldnt make calls because she had all our prepaid minutes used up! It got really bad, but the bit about taking the phone away completely and only allowing her certain times to use it, is what really worked.

Hope this helps.