P.M.
What helped most with my grandson in his toddler years:
… 1. Making the tasks we needed from him into a game. When he'd doing the potty dance and didn't want to pause to pee, for example, I would go to the bathroom door and start vigorously pushing away all the dinosaurs so he could get in and use the toilet. Bedtime became a race to see who could be in bed and ready for a story (but he had a big bed by the age of 3, so I could lie down and read to him).
… 2. Participating in tasks alongside him, with a cheerful attitude. This is really important, even now that he's 5. It keeps him from experiencing a chore as joyless and lonely and too big to accomplish by himself. (And you know yourself that when you have negative feelings about a job, it becomes SO much bigger.)
… 3. Giving advance notice that you'll need to have X done pretty soon. Then notice again that X will need to happen in one more minute. Then time for X arrives, at which point, I move into steps 1 and/or 2.
… 4. When something really must happen now, and other techniques have run their limit, be as inevitable as the tides. The ocean doesn't get hung up on judgement, resistance, drama or anger. It just rises, calmly and implacably. If my grandson won't get his jacket on, or come to the table, or pick up the toy cars after my final request (3 above), I get the jacket, or guide him to the table, or bring him back to the toys that need picking up. All gently, with a smile. My attitude can make the difference between a long, drawn out episode or the satisfaction of having done what's necessary.
… 5. Empathy helps. Letting the child know you REALLY understand how much they want (or don't want) something, even fantasizing with them getting ALL they want, is like a spoonful of honey, soothing and sweet. It can capture a child's notice and attention even mid-tantrum, in many cases. Giving you the opportunity to lead into the thing you need them to do (or not do) as if that's the only alternative that actually exists.
Talking the issues over with your daughter while they are NOT at issue, and getting her to help decide how the problem will be solved, is also very powerful. She can help determine the "contract," and you can even write it down on paper and hang it somewhere conspicuous. Then remind her, when she's getting giddy at bedtime, for example, that she agreed to certain solutions and/or consequences, and institute them immediately. Kids can be marvelously creative problem solvers, and when they are invested in the solution, they generally will help make it work.
The fabulous book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish gives tips and techniques for this and other problem-solving ideas. The ideas have been tested for years, and are mutually respectful. They work brillliantly, and this book has been a godsend for a few young families I know with unusually spirited and determined children.
Other wonderful resources are Raising Your Spirited Child by Kurchinka, and Dr. Sears' website has pages and pages of tips and techniques for dealing with discipline problems. http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp
