This weekend a dear friend of mine, her husband, and their two children were in a serious car accident. Sadly, her husband was killed. My friend and the youngest boy (age 2) had serious injuries but have been released from the hospital. The older boy (age 6) was in critical condition. He seems to be doing better but is still in the hospital. I am looking for advice on how to best help and support my friend through this tragedy. She is on the West coast, which makes it difficult. I have not yet spoken to her directly, just getting updates from mutual friends and some extended family. Perhaps some of you have been in her position and can speak to what is most appreciated at times like these? I would also be interested in hearing of recommended books (for kids and adults) for coping with grief and loss. Thanks.
Tear soup is excellent and I have given many copies to friends who were grieving due to loss. It looks childish because it is illustrated but it is extremely well written and everyone I've given it to was really blessed by it.
Don't wait a moment longer, it isn't going to get easier. Call her and if you can go to the funeral, go. When you call, you only have to say that you are sorry and you love her and her family. Tell her that you are there if she wants to talk and you wish you could be there. If you are not able to go, perhaps you can help with the funeral from afar? You could offer to order food for the wake via phone or even pay for it if you are able. She'll have a lot of expenses to deal with and the food for the wake is a small gift compared to what she is facing. If you are close to her children, you could offer to keep the kids for a week or so when she is ready to take care of her husband's effects. She might want privacy but she might want her kids around. Just emphasize to her that even if you are far away you really want to help in any way possible.
My friend's wife died of cancer some years ago and he said the greatest act of friendship he has ever experienced was a man calling him every single morning to pray with him about his loss, about moving on, about peace. THey did this for two and a half years. It moves my heart to think about that.
My best friend's husband died almost two years ago. (I've known her since she was born) She found him in the living room...blue in the face and cold. I had just moved 8 hours away that very week. I missed her phone call and called back. After talking to her mom and finding out that she didn't want to talk on the phone, I spent the next day pacing and waiting to see if she would call. On the third day I packed up my two little boys and drove all evening to her house. She was so happy to see me and the boys. (my oldest 3, her daughter 2, my youngest 1) The boys were the greatest distraction for her, she still talks about it. I stayed until her sister moved in.
I did this knowing that her personality is to have people around. She doesn't like to talk about her feelings and she doesn't like to be touched, she just needs to not be alone in the house and for people to just talk normally.
I also picked up around the house and washed the carpet where he died. The hardest part for her was walking down the stairs and seeing it all over again in her head.
The fall after high school graduation, a friend and his family were in a car accident after a fishing trip. He saw the car coming towards them. His father was in a coma. His mother and uncle decided to pull the plug. Our group of 5-10 friends stayed at the funeral all day, until he left. We didn't know exactly what to do, but staying seemed right. He was very close to his father and is big on family.
Hi E.,
I agree with Sue. Stay in contact with her at lease 1 or 2 times a weeks. Last month I had a life changeing health problem occure to me. All of our family is up north and so our friends and neighbors were there to help my husband and girl out and I am totally greatful for that. Because it made me focus alittle easier on my recovery. Well now that I am home and still in recovery it seems that all of the support has stopped and we don't here from anyone. Even thou everyone says to us call me if you need anything, we are not the kind of people to ask. I not saying we except everyone to stop with thier life to help us out. But it is nice to here from them every once in a while. So if you pick up the phone and call her IT WILL A GREAT HELP TO HER! Just knowing you are there to talk things out that she has had to deal with on that day. Just reasure her that she can do this and focus on her babies.
first, tell your friend to find a tree to shout at, yes, i said a tree !!
trees dont judge, unless you count the branch that falls onto your windshield.next, tell her to find all of her insurance paperwork, dont put this off because alot of insurance companies give you only a very short amount of time to file a claim.also alot of insurance companies will try to deny your claim if you dont have all your documentation in the right sequence. make at least five copies of each document you send in,. and sent it signature required, because otherwise, they can claim they never got it.when my first husband died at forty two in 2003 of a heart attack, the
insurance company first claimed that he didnt have a contract with them, then when i found the document that proved that he did, they then tried to deny the claim again because he had asked for more coverage, and then died before he got the updated information , then they tried to claim that the heart attack that killed him was an act of god, and couldnt be covered anyway.and , yes the insurance company will be calling her to offer her a QUICK cash settlement (for about a tenth the value of the policy) plus they will try to get her to roll the quick cash value policy back into their company
in the form of another insurance policy. tell her dont sign anything ,without having a lawyer look it over with a magnifying glass.very dry information, yes, but vital, more later
K. h.
It's good that you are worried about your friend in this time of loss. I would recommend providing support to her as was listed below but don't wait for her to tell you which she'd prefer. Although she is going through a lot of loss and recovery most people don't answer the question "so what can I do to help?" truthfully because it takes a lot to say "I need your help". Try to put yourself in her shoes and think "what would I really want" or better yet "what needs to get done that is really bothering me but I don't have the time or emotional strength to care?"
Many would answer "cleaning the house" or "cooking" or even grocery shopping. Depending on the area you can could try to just order some groceries to be delivered or provide a house cleaning gift certificate (Maybe even tell them to call her to schedule it so she'll use it). Also think of the kids and maybe a special treat to be sent to them as well. using friends/family that are nearby to facilitate getting her your support is also an option.
Also when you talk to her the thing that is hardest to accept but always comes as you deal with grief are feelings of guilt. Guilt that you survived and guilt that you are surviving without that special person and even smiling sometimes. It's always good to remind them that when the time is right and they feel like smiling that it is ok and that their lost loved one is happy knowing that they are ok.
I have a friend that lost her husband, a police officer, in the line of duty and was left with her 2 small children. She wrote a book that I have heard great things about. I haven't read the book but I read her blog all the time and she is an incredible writer. Even if you don't get the book for your friend I would have her check out the blog. Believe: A Young Widow's Journey Through Brokenness and Back by Jennifer Silvera
I would suggest talking with her as soon as you are comfortable doing that. Keep in touch over time. Tragedy seems to bring everyone out in the first weeks, and then everyone disapears after that, leaving the grieving person even more alone.
Distance does make the usual things difficult, but maybe you can send coupons for take out dinners, or maybe there is a service company in the area that could provide food, house cleaning, babysitting services - the usual things you might do if you lived close.
I'm so sorry to hear about your friends' loss. That is truly awful.
I have a friend who just got home from the hospital and had been seriously ill--she has five kids and is going to be recuperating for probably two months!
I set up a Care Calendar for people to sign up to help her out: childcare, lawncare, meals, visits, errands...anything. It's great because you can set it up, email it out to anyone, and people can sign up to help!
You can even order pizza or meals to be delivered to her, or do online grocery shopping...
"Healing After Loss" is a great day-by-day book for adults. Keep in touch with her. Call her. Let her vent & share. Send her cards, not just initially, but on a continuing basis. She will be struggling for a long time. If you can figure out a way to send an occasional meal, I'm sure that would be appreciated as well. I'm sure she will appreciate anything you do.
So sorry to hear about her loss! If you can't be there, you can always send a care package, card, give her a call, and maybe set up a cleaning service to come by for her...and most of all, pray!!
