Her GUILT About a Death

My husband's mother did not die until her husband left her side to go run an errand. She literally could not let herself go with him there. I have heard many, many stories like this, where someone needed to be alone (or without his or her primary caregivers - my husband was there when his mother died) to finally pass.

I was going to say exactly what Lynn said. My grandmother was given 48 hrs, by hospice. After a week of being with her pretty much 24/7, I went home for 1 night to sleep in my own bed & she died that evening. Even though I still feel bad , there's part of me that believes she didn't want me to be there. There are stages of death & 1 of them is that the person kind of has 1 last burst of energy & become coherent again. It makes people believe that there loved ones are getting better but then they get much worse after that. That last burst of energy is what I remember most about her last days & I was the only one there for that . I think that's how she wanted me to remember her, not her death.

I also had a terrible time after my grandfather's passing.
He was in a hospital 4 hours away and I went and stayed long periods of time to be with him. I slept in the pull out couch in the waiting room, I was at his side as much as I could be. However, I also had a baby under the age of two and traveling back and forth was difficult. I took her with me as much as I could because he adored her so much and brightened up every time he saw her.

We had had a bad storm and the phones were down. I was due to leave the next morning to head the 4 hours to the hospital when my mom called me to tell me that he had passed in the night. The hospital had tried to call me, but with the phones being down, I had no idea they were trying to contact me.

I had a lot of guilt over that. I really did. I did not handle his passing well at all. If it hadn't been for my baby daughter, I honestly think I could have just layed down and died myself. My grief was overwhelming.

What really helped me though, was realizing that my grandfather, in my entire life, had never done anything to hurt me. I realized that he would be so upset to know my depth of sadness over something he couldn't help or control. It was his time to go and I wanted him forever which simply couldn't happen. He was 85. Losing him as an adult was really, really hard because it hit me so much harder that he was truly gone. I went through stages of feeling that I should have and could have done more for him. In reality, my grandfather had no doubt of my love and devotion. I was closer to him than anyone.

For his sake, I had to work to lift myself back up and get back on the road of being happy and living my own life. Like I said, I thought about him looking down at me from heaven and being hurt that he had hurt me. I didn't want that on my conscience either.

Anyway, here is a link about the stages of grief. Guilt is certainly one of them.
Hopefully, in time, your friend can move past her guilt and focus on honoring the memory and love she had for her grandfather. People we lose are never really gone as long as we keep them alive in our memories.

Best wishes.

http://proactivechange.com/therapy/grief-stages.htm

When my grandma was dying I was at the doctors getting some tests done since I was pregnant. At one point my phone was ringing but I was in the middle of a test and I knew right away what it was about. Within 24 hours, after I got permission from my doctor, I flew with my mom up to where my grandparents lived and I was able to see my grandma. She had one good day where was patted my belly and said that is a very pregnant belly. I knew at that point she wasn't going to make it and when she fell asleep I whispered into her ear saying go home. I was about 7 months pregnant when I was there. The morning she was passing away my mom got the call and ran out of my grandparents house and she was able to see her pass. My uncle didn't see her pass away. I thought that was hard at the time. When my papa (my mom's dad) passed away I was 24 hours from flying out to see him with my sister, my step-dad and my son who was 2 in half at the time. I did feel guilty and I still kind of do cause I was able to say good bye to my grandma but not my papa. It's going to take some time for her to come to terms that she wasn't able to be there. I haven't found any books to help with something like this. Being around family does help and just having her know that you are there for her as well will help, too.

I recently heard a story about someone who was in the same situation, but the person who was close to death wanted to pass without anyone there with them, they wanted to do it alone. Maybe the grandfather waited to be alone to die. Might help if she thinks of it that way.

Something I have experienced MANY times are people "waiting" for certain times to pass away. Honestly.
Her Grandpa, even if he wasn't "in his right mind" or semi-conscious, might have waited for the time she WASN'T there to let go. You nor her or anyone knows what was in his heart. Maybe he didn't want to put her through that trama of being there when he let go. Maybe it was too hard for HIM to let her be there.
My Grandma was sick for months before she passed. She had been in the hospital for months, had most of her lungs removed, was on oxygen, morphine But my mom and aunt kept talking to her. Telling her what was going on w/ everyone. Especially my expectant sister.
Finally my mom had told he my sister was going in to have the baby. The day my neice was born, my mom came and told my grandma "Then baby is here, she was born this morning" My Grandma quietly whispered "Is Sarah and the baby okay?" and my mom answered "Yes, they are both doing great" My Grandma closed her eyes and passed away early the next morning.
We ALL know that's what she was waiting for. Tell your friend not to feel guilty. Her Grandpa may have wanted to be alone, may have wanted to spare her. Who knows. We never will. Only he will know!

There are many , many people that want to die without their loved ones around them. they do this on purpose, because they do not wan to upset them. This happened with my husbands grandparents. someone was with grandmother for every moment.
The 1 morning that the Hospice nurse suggested grandfather go to breakfast with his daughter, the Nurse said grandmother died very peacefully about 15 minutes later.

When this same grandfather died.. Pretty much the same thing. It was the one time, none of the family was with him, just the nurse.

When my own grandmother was placed in Hospice, she was never left alone.. She had a ton of sisters, nieces and nephews and Of course my father and his brother.. They really did not want to leave in case she died.

I kept mentioning, that maybe we needed to give her some privacy, even though she was unconscious, but no one wanted to leave/ After 4 days of this vigil, it seemed every one was wiped out and people left to go home for dinner, or were going to out to dinner and then going to come later that evening.

I had been whispering to my grandmother to go when she was ready, I promised we were going to all be ok. That I was not afraid, I knew she was tired and was ready.

Sure enough, I promised everyone, my daughter and I would not leave her, while everyone was gone. My stepmother joined us.. In about 15 minutes of everyone else leaving, I noticed my grandmothers breathing change. We went to her and all 3 of us placed our hands on her and told her we were fine, to please go when she was ready. She took about 5 breaths and was gone.

She was the eldest in the family and everyone had looked towards her for strength. She had not wanted to upset the sisters, nieces and nephews.

We did not even call the others for another hour, just so they could all have dinner and regroup. When we started making calls, we all gathered in the room and had a rosary. It was completely beautiful and healing for all of us.

So tell your friend, the lost keys may have been a way for her grandfather to distract her, while he passed. He did not want to upset her, by having her there. It was his last gift to her.

People need to remember, the dying are in control many times. It is not about what we want or need, it is about what they want and need.

I am sorry for her loss.

You could tell her that maybe that is why she locked her keys in the car...so she wouldn't have to watch that moment when it came. She had been there and she would remember her alive.

She'll still feel some guilt but maybe it will put another thought in her head.

I was with my father when he died. He was unaware anyone was with him. He had a period of time during which he was breathing but the nurse said he was gone before that period of time.

I was also present just before my mother died. She died when I left the room for a short period of time. Again, she was unaware anyone was with her. In fact, she told me to not hold her hand earlier because it was too warm. I wanted to feel close to her but she'd already moved on.

I've come to believe that actually being with someone when they die is not all that important to the one who is dying. They gradually leave this life while their body still functions. Dying is pain free for the one dying.

Being there is for us; not them.

when my grandma was at her end.. hospice told us that it would be with in the next couple of days. All of the family came to her side.

Grandma went a week with nothing to eat and only sips of coke ( her favorite). Hospice was amazed she was still hanging on every day, every day they told us that it would happen by tomorrow.. we heard that for 7 days.

On Sunday after all of the family being in the house spending time with Grandma the family who lived close had to go home to get fresh clothes, shower or get an emotional break. I had to go and pick up our kids who had been staying with a friend for the week because I didn't want them to see Grandma this way.

We all went in and kissed Grandma and told her that we would be back soon.. I told her I would be back in the morning since I had an 8 hour round trip to make.

An hour after everyone cleared the house except my parents and one aunt my Grandma passed away. It was so hard on everyone!! We all wanted to be there for her when she passed. Grandma was never one who liked anyone to wait on her hand and foot and she was always very independent even up to the end ( the last week anyways) as much as she could. But I truly believe that Grandma didn't want all of us to see her pass and she wanted to pass alone. I think she hung on until she knew we were all away from the house and then stopped hanging on and finally let go.

We all struggled with it for a while, but one by one we came to realize that we were with Grandma until the end. When she finally passed away she knew with out a doubt how much she was loved by everyone and though we were not at the house.. she knew we were all there together.

I think regardless of what happened those that want to feel guilty will feel guilty. Like if she had arrived from the airport five minutes before he died it would have been too short a time. If she had been there the whole time she would have found time in the past week she should have spent with him. Had she spent every waking hour with him in the past two weeks she would have found she didn't pay close enough attention to him at Christmas or the last time he was healthy.

I think it is a bit of human nature and a process of realization. When my grandma died all I saw was the missed opportunities. By the time we had the funeral I was remembering all the times we spent together and the great memories. After a while all I had were the memories and no regret.

I think that is normal, maybe not analyzing it as I do but the feelings I think are normal.

When my father was about to pass away his Dr called and said you better come quick he heart has stopped 2x already he wont make it much longer, so we left it was rush hour around 5pm and I had to get to Detroit which I thought would be a nightmare. But the roads were clear it was really weired and it was a Friday too. I litterally walked into the room he looked at me and his eyes were grey not the beautiful hazel I knew and he gave his last breath. The Dr said his heart stopped 2 more times before we arrived he was waiting for me. It gave me such closure to see him go.
I think that if he wanted her there he would have waited, It was sign that he wanted to go without her there or his daughter there.

We left the hospital after we saw my dad, came home, and he died a little bit after I went to bed. If only I had stayed...I guess some things are meant to be. Maybe he didn't want her to go through that. That's what I tell myself.

My grandfather passed away at a very old age. I helped all I could, and once when his home-health-aide had an emergency of her own, I took my grandfather into our house for a month and took care of him. My brother did not come over or offer to make a meal or offer to help me that entire time, although he lived nearby. I had 2 kids, my husband was deployed, and it was a lot of work, but I would do it again.

When my grandfather died, my brother showed up and took over the funeral arrangements and put on quite a show of being concerned. I was not able to be there because we lived out of the country at that time.

I felt guilty, too. But my husband told me: when my grandpa was alive and needed care, medication, meals, companionship, etc., I did all that. My brother did not. When it was time for my grandpa to pass away, the angels were there. The only person who has to feel guilty is my brother, who did nothing for my grandpa while he was alive but made sure he (my brother) got plenty of attention after my grandpa passed away.

So tell your friend that while her grandfather was here on this earth, she was there, she cared for him, and that is invaluable. She was a blessing to him. When he passed away, he didn't need his earthly caretakers anymore. It takes a very strong and loving person to care for someone in their last days and weeks on earth, because it can be physically and emotionally exhausting. Your friend sounds like a wonderful person.