We have a lot of family with divorces on both sides. Each Christmas (and birthday) I get asked by nearly all of the grandparents, plus some aunts and uncles for "hints and ideas" for what gift they should get my girls.
I understand that for most people this is no big deal. I am grateful we are blessed with so many nice family members. I know they ask because they care enough to want them to receive gifts they really like. However, I feel like I have to manage everything, which stresses me out! Everyone is so concerned they not get them something they already have or someone else is getting them. I run into issues like I can't tell one grandparent to get her pink slippers, because I told that to my sister, etc.
My girls already have WAY too much stuff and really there isn't anything they "need" Not to mention, if I do have any really good ideas I like to use those myself. I really wish everyone else would just trust their own judgment or ask the kids directly if they must.
If I tell them I am fresh out of new ideas and items to share, they start the 20 questions. "Does she like books?" And if I say "no" I get the "hmm" in a tone that says I've disappointed them and caused THEM stress. If they say "would she like a sweatshirt?" and I say "yes" It's, what color, what store, hoodie or crew neck, etc etc. If I fill in each and every detail I feel like I'm placing an order for their gift. It just doesn't feel right. If I try giving no information, they call again later to see if I came up with any ideas since our last conversation. And they tell me they are going to shop on Saturday so they need those hints before then. I get a lot of pressure to generate ideas, lists, etc. Sometimes the out of town relatives even want me to "pick up" their gift since we live closer to more stores, and they can put their name on the tag and pay me back. Do other families operate this way?
I'm not keen on the idea of wish lists, which then turns into a registry I have to manage. Plus it seems greedy to me, and doesn't teach my kids to focus on the bigger picture and thinking of others during the holidays. My kids are not little any more either. They are 12 and 15.
Even now, once gifts are bought, I am always told in advance what the gift is, so I can make sure no one else gets the same thing, or they can return it and find something else if I don't approve. I guess I have a family of insecure gift-givers. It's not like anyone has ever pitched a fit about getting a bad gift. We are always happy to receive anything, and we've certainly never criticized what our family has been given.
What is the most tactful but firm way to tell people I can't handle this anymore? And to please stop asking me. I don't want to sound rude or ungrateful. I need to find the right words. Quick before my mom calls back, lol. Any ideas?
Start telling them that the best gift they can give is to spend time with the recipient. A movie date, a trip to the zoo. Make experiences.
Im sorry I have no helpful words for you because I swear I could have written this exact question myself. I lok forward to the advice others offer though.
Gift cards
Savings Account
Experiences - if the family lives close enough, they can make a gift certificate and DO SOMETHING with the girls (zoo, museum, mani-pedi, etc.) - or for YOU to do something with the girls.
As several others already note: Your kids are old enough that gift cards are the best gifts, unless your girls would complain about not having "stuff to open." At 12 and 15, they likely enjoy shopping for themselves. Suggest a bookstore gift card to one person, a general cash-type card to another (a Visa or American Express gift card that's useable many places), a card to a clothing store to another. But then....you'd see that as having to manage all those types of cards, I guess. But isn't it easier to just remember you told Grandma bookstore card and told aunt X cash card etc. than to keep specific colors, brands and sizes in a list?
Also: Kids often have very charitable instincts. If your girls are into any particular charity, they could ask for donations directly to that charity in their names, or for money to purchase clothes for a homeless shelter or blankets and food for an animal shelter. You said you didn't want gifts to be about greed, so how about encouraging the girls to think outside the gift box this year?
I also suggest some perspective here. This won't go on forever. And I think you know in your gut that despite your own feelings about it, this really is done with the very best of intentions on others' parts -- they truly are not meaning to make work for you. Can you see how very hurtful it will be to them if you say, even in the nicest terms, that they're creating hassle for you and they should just stop? Older relatives in particular want to ensure they are not duplicating things and are actually giving gifts that your kids, whose tastes the relatives may not know, will want and enjoy. Repeat that as your mantra -- they're trying to connect with the girls.
If these gifts are the only or main contact they have with your girls, please don't tell these well-meaning relatives just to stop. Instead, tell them that this year you and the girls decided the thing they really want is more time with their relatives, and you would like the girls to see more of them and do more with them. Then if the relatives still say, "But don't they want something to open?" you can suggest that they send a card with an IOU for a day out, a movie "date," a shopping trip together in person with the giver, or even a visit from a giver who's far away.
By the way, on the perspective front: Please realize that many families, like my own, have few relatives alive or around to create this kind of problem for us. It would be a positive to some of us to have that many interested family members to have to manage.
Your kids might be a little old for this, but what about asking for an experience instead of a gift? (tickets to a concert, movie tickets, etc). Your girls are blessed to have such generous people in their lives!
Why cant your kids make their own lists, they are old enough to write
My kids make up their wish lists on Amazon for their grandparents, they are advised to keep each gift below a certain amount.
They've learn how to be givers at the holidays because years ago we instituted a "secret santa" type event within our nuclear family (there are 6 of us). Each year on Thanksgiving night, we each write 10 things we want, or answer 10 questions like "I would wear..." or "I would play with...", and pick names out of a hat. My husband and I save $300 for this, and each person gets $50 to spend on their person. Then he and I fill stockings for the kids, which were passed off as being gifts from the Night Fairies on Winter Solstice Eve. They know better now, but we still do the stockings (rarely do we spend more than $20 per kid on these).
Since starting this tradition, we've watched as they got more and more excited to give, and WAY more appreciative of what they receive.
Our extended family lives in other states. We have found that Amazon wishlists are a wonder! We pick and choose things and put them on the list, then if the family wishes they can buy from Amazon directly (which removes it from the wishlist, so no double gifting). They can even look other places for the items they've seen on the list. It's helped so much. The gifts can be sent right to us for wrapping and labeling.
I don't have such a big family but I do have some relatives asking and what I do is make a master Xmas list for the kids. Then I make suggestions from that list based on cost. A few options for each person. Then it's just one less thing I buy... You do need one list for each kid and that should help bc then you're not recreating the wheel every time someone asks. Gift cards can be on it. Then you say well, x, y or a gift card would be good. Or I think in this case, the amazon list is totally fine. Don't even tell the kids about it. Then they're not focused on making this huge list though I made a list as a kid and sure, I was pretty into the gift getting at Christmas but I'm not real materialistic now. I knew that was the time of year I really made out like a bandit. So now technology can help you distribute that list and people can pick and choose according to how much they want to spend. And tell them - it gets so confusing every year I just put it out there. No need to get them anything but since you're asking, that's what I've come up with so far. I doubt anyone will be offended.
You are way overthinking this.
Stop second guessing why people are asking or what they are thinking. Let them know their favorite stores and ask for gift cards. Or have the children compile lists and check them off with the name of the relative you spoke to. Or create a wish list on amazon and allow people to choose off of that. Better yet, ask each relative simply to write a nice letter to each child to compile into a nice album for them, which is far more meaningful than some sweater. But honestly, you're putting way more stress on yourself over this than is necessary.
Why not tell them where your kids like to shop or what activities they like to do. That way they can get gift cards. "They love to shop at Shoppers Mall", "They like clothes from Old Navy", "They really have fun at the trampoline place" or "They enjoy going to the movies.".
Say "you know, our kids are really blessed. There's nothing they really need or want right now. We could use gift cards to use for school clothes and shoes next year or of you'd like to add to their savings accounts, it's not necessary, but would be appreciated."
I can relate. Even though you know they mean well, it is still stressful and annoying.
Just direct the adults to ask them themselves. That's what I would do. "Oh, you'll have to ask Susie, I am not sure."
Will Susie ask for a new iphone? Or a car? I mean...
Honestly, at these ages (my kids are 13 and 16, so I'm right there with you) kids can be so picky, or only want hugely expensive things. Maybe if your kids have a large item they are hoping for, they could get gift cards "towards" the item.
So when Aunt May asks Susie what she wants, Susie could say, "Well, I've been saving for a ________ and a gift card to XYZ store would help." Or something like that?
Tell them that if possible you would prefer them to get savings bonds. they can buy them in whatever amount they decide from $25 up to $1000's. and it is a way to save for college.
or if they would prefer just to give them money to go into the college account. of course your kids would need to be on board with that.
as for the questions about books etc. say they love to read but they read faster than I can keep up with so a gift card to amazon for their tablet or a card to barnes and noble would be great. or ask your kids ahead of time what they want / need and then when people call you have the list ready. have a bunch of gift cards ready to reel off. but let me say at your kids ages they should be calling / texting/emailing your kids not you.
Perhaps offer them ideas on experiences. "Kayla really likes the zoo, so a season pass for next year would be great!" or "Sam really likes ice skating. The rink sells packets of passes..."
You can also tell them to ask the kids directly (at 12 and 15 surely they can communicate to relatives) or ask the kids for one thing they want, one thing they need, and one thing that isn't a thing.
Friend gets money from her brother because it saves on shipping for her to just pick them out. We used to get checks from my BIL.
You can also suggest gift cards to favorite stores and remind people that there are gift receipts for a reason.
ETA: If they send money, then pass it to the kids and let the kids buy a gift. In this day of online shopping and shipping, there's not really much of a need for you to add all their holiday buying and wrapping to your schedule. When BIL sent checks, they were in nice cards and we all went shopping later and thanked him for the items we chose ourselves (us and the kids).
gift cards gift cards gift cards-
I had the same issue and this year I sent a very brief, general wish list to each set of grandparents and aunts and uncles who asked for a list. I used to "shop" and give links to specific gifts, but realized it was taking me hours to do these lists for them. So, this year I gave them a list of "interests" and they can find their own gift based on my vague notes about what the kids like. There are some bigger things and some smaller things. I made sure I sent different lists to each group, so there is no overlap.
The whole thing too me probably 45 min this time, tops. I did throw in a few specific things with links to my brother, since I know he will do online shopping, so I spent a little more time for his. I am also grateful that they want to get the perfect gift, but agree with you that they need to put some effort in as well. I used to also wrap the gifts that they shipped out to us and put them under the tree (they required this). This year, I might need to just set the shipping boxes behind the wrapped boxes, since I'm trying to cut a few corners and don't really feel the need to wrap everyone else's gifts for them. I was wrapping gifts from 3 other families in the past. Again, it's very kind of them to send items our way, but I have never expected someone else to wrap my gifts that I ship to someone else, so I figure I will stop doing that too. Maybe I will make sure I have a few extra gift bags on hand and sneak them in a bag real quick. That should make everyone happy.
Oh and another thing I did differently was to sit down with the kids and ask them to come up with ideas. That cut out a ton of my time as well. I just jotted them down and then sent out separate emails to each side of the family. So much easier than years past.
And to answer your question, yes I have had family members ask me to either order or pick up and pay for their gifts for my kids. I have done so and then wonder why I am feeling like a doormat. I try not to get myself into those things now. I do my own shopping early and when someone asks if I can add something on to my shopping list and pick it up for them, I just tell them I have already completed my shopping and I don't plan on going to more stores. But I do let them know that I will tell them if I am out and see if they still need anything. I figure I'm a working parent and they are either retired or childless or SAHMs with much older children. Who has more time on their hands? I try not to sound ungrateful, but I am reminded by my husband that part of their job as a grandparent is to call their grandkids and get to know them and their interests during the year. If they don't...they might not know what to buy them.
Gift cards. They can order what they want.
:)
yeah, it's lovely that they all want to take good care of your girls, and don't want to go the gift card route- but i don't blame you for feeling put upon.
tell 'em to either surprise EVERYONE with something totally out of the blue and unpredictable (those are the best anyway) or to please go with a gift card.
take yourself right out of the middle.
khairete
S.
I don't have this issue but I can tell it really bogs you down. Our kids' grandparents just buy what they want to get the kids. Sometimes it is right up their alley...sometimes it is so juvenile for the age they are at currently. We just teach the kids to smile and say, "thank you". They rarely ever get what they really wanted from grandparents. And that is ok.
If this really bugged me then I would tell them to talk to the kids personally and put the kid on the phone or have the kid call grandma back. If they persisted then I would say , "It is so nice of you to want to get something but I am out of ideas since the kids have so much already. How about a gift card to x,y or z and we will send you a picture of what he/she picked out." Come up with a phrase and stick to it...be a broken record. They will stop asking.
Tell them "what the girls REALLY need are savings bonds or gift cards.".
I get it! For our kids age I'd be suggesting: movie itunes, starbucks and bookstore gift cards these are small denomination and sure to please most kids this age. You could throw in something like they already have too much stuff but if you really want to get them something
Sorry, I didn't see their ages. Ask them about putting money into savings for the kids so when they turn 16, IF IF IF they get good enough grades and can get a drivers license, where they can buy their own vehicle, pay insurance for a year, and can have extra for a Master Card cash card for gasoline, or get some sort of cash pre-paid card so they won't go through the money all at once.
If the family put the hundreds of dollars in a savings account then those kids won't ever have to buy their own gasoline.
Tell them that you're not poor and can buy your kids what they need.
Otherwise be grateful they care enough to get them something. Our grand kids get nothing from anyone buy us. I'd love for them to have a ton of packages from random relatives and be opening packages for hours. They get a couple from us because that's all we can afford.
I think you can tell the relatives to ask the kiddo what she wants because it's obvious you don't know what things she likes. Whether she likes books, games for a hand held device or computer games, dolls, coloring, markers, coloring books, Lego's, Barbies, CD's and DVD's, teen clothing store gift cards, or anything. It entirely depends on her age too.
You could ask them to all contribute to a fund to buy an outdoor toy like a large structure that will grow with her. There are many things she can have and that they can give her.
Happy Thanksgiving A.! I just send out an email that my twins (same age range) are now at that age where they just prefer gift cards to local Malls- or Itunes. No one can go wrong- they can then purchase what if anything they would enjoy and everyone is happy. It's not as fun to watch them open things yet its the reality they live in. That takes the burden off me as well who was also the 'manager' of ideas.
B.
I would have them talk directly to the kids. If the kids are there when they call, say "hold on" and hand the phone to whichever kid is closest. If the kids are not there, say you need to think about it and then have the kids call them back. Or, you would suggest a gift card or tell them to put a gift receipt in with whatever THEY choose to buy so your DD/DS can exchange it if they want to.
Ask for gift cards or contributions to sports fees/classes/college funds.
Ask everyone to chip in on a big ticket item for each girl.
Tell people the girls are old enough they don't have very many things on their wishlists, so items aren't the best gifts, but gift cards or money to go shopping works much better.
Tell people the girls are old enough they don't need presents, just a card is enough to let them know they're loved and thought of.
Have each girl make her own wishlist and manage manage the requests on her own.
Either way, please take a look around you at all the families who struggle at the holidays to provide any gifts for their children and be thankful your family is financially able and generous enough to be so burdensome as to try to provide gifts for your girls.
Absolutely GIFT CARDS. Easy, can be in any amount, and your girls will love shopping for whatever they want. And best of all? NO stress for you :)
Just tell them to get a gift card from a store your shop at That way your child can pick out something that they want. Another idea would be a gift card to a favorite restaurant or fast food place. This comes in handy when you are out and need something quick and don't have time to make a meal. Subway was a favorite for my kids.
I totally hear you - are you in my family?? hahaha But on top of it for us, auntie and grandma want to give the "hero" gift that will win the day. Uff da.
I would also say gift cards especially for your age kids - they would probably love to go to their favorite store when the weather gets nice and shop for some summer clothes or get that trendy too expensive pair of boots you (and me!) may be to practical to buy :) If they want something more expensive you can give the same store suggestion to multiple people. This can include restaurants, movie theaters, clothing/shoe stores, electronics stores.
I also really like Daizy Bs idea too!
Also, I keep a list throughout the year and as the kids mention something I make a note of it. Then when asked I put the family members name next to the gift to ensure no duplicates. Really not so hard to manage that way.
My kids are still young enough to want to make a list for Santa. The list is crazy long, so they pick their top 3 or 5 and that's is what we tell Santa.
I take a look at the rest and come up w/ groups of 3 suggestions/per questioner for family. Things they can share, clothes, games, and books tend to migrate up the list, because I don't want any more stuff either.
With kids ages 12 to 15, I'd consider what they really enjoy and find ways for my family to help make it happen. Love music? Maybe iTunes certificates. Love movies? Movie certs. So it's special but not specific. It also helps if the family member can do it with the kids.
good luck,
e
Suggest gift cards! Once my nieces hit 10, I could not even begin to shop for them!!!
Why not have them put money in college accounts. That what I'd do.
I don't have much family that buys my kids stuff, just one cousin, two sets of grandparents, a brother and one close friend. I do an amazon wish list. They all love it's convenience, and I don't mind putting things on it year round when the kids mention how they want X,Y and Z. My kids know nothing of this list. Not sure how we will handle it when they get older.
I hate it when people just give my kids random gifts. They have enough "stuff." My family does do specific requests. This way everyone has ideas and we don't just get more unnecessary stuff. I think it's great you are happy to receive anything. I don't have the space or desire for that, however, so yes, in my family we literally do wish lists with all the details.
In fact, yesterday my friend came by to pick up a gift to give my son for his bday. She didn't know what to get him, I overbought, so she wrote me a check and I have her a present to give him. It worked great for both of us. Is it weird? Who cares. She was happy to have a present and I was happy to I unload something I didn't need.
If it gives you a headache, do gift cards or collect saving plans. So send out an email stating this, and asking people to not ask anymore. I'm unsurprised people aren't just buying gift cards. At your kids age, cash, check or,gift card makes everyone happy.
