Homesick for Nearly 2 Years, Should We Throw in the Towel?

Where are you all from originally? I live in the southwest and I feel that way. I finally started spending time with people not from here.

I'd go back if it's possible. You sound normal to me . . . you've given it a fair shot. Especially with a baby coming, you need a sense of community around you.

JMO.

Hello,
I'm sorry to hear that you are sad and lonely despite your best efforts to make new friends. Here is a question: are you in a position to invite your neighbors on your street over for a barbecue or get-together? Something to introduce yourselves and thaw the ice a little? Just a thought, instead of waiting for the invite from them, you guys host and go from there ...

I would move back. Two years is a long time to give it. A friend of mine has relocated 5 times in the last seven years. She always manages to make friends and feel at home after awhile. I'm surprised people there aren't friendlier and more welcoming. If your husband can get his old job back, and both of you are willing to deal with him having that job again, and moving back, then go for it! A happy mom=happy kids.

Give it time. You have done all the necessary and reasonable things. But it doesn't happen overnight. My suggestion is to throw a party. Surely not everyone will be busy. Invite his coworkers, and the neighborhood. Fill a plastic pumpkin with rum punch and watch the magic happen. Next month, invite a few people from church to come over for dinner. Now that you've bought a home in a neighborhood and begin going to the same grocery and same cornerstore, you will start to make connections. You will have to just continue making the 1st move, until they've felt you out.

I would make plans to move back. But.....I wouldn't move without first having a job and a workable plan for housing. In today's market you might not be able to sell your home. You'll need enough money to both pay the mortgage and rent in your "new" place.

I'd also be sure that you will still have social support when you return. It's easy to get together and feel included during a short visit but day to day life can make ongoing contact difficult. Perhaps start exchanging e-mail with old friends. Subscribe to the local paper and catch up on things.

How patient are you? I've been in Oregon for 10 years and finally feel like I have a good social network here! It's taken this long, and it took nearly that long in my last town. I also get right in there, invite people over, set up play dates (when my kids were younger) join and make an effort to be friendly. It's not that I was completely friendless for the last 10 years, it's just that it's taken this long to really develop relationships that are mutual, comfortable, and more than just social acquaintances. You're right, most people have their "12 friends" already so it takes alot of trial and error to find people who have "openings" in their networks.

My suggestion would be to find opportunities to get together with people in a casual setting, and right away rather than something that requires planning. For example, after the mom's group, find a mom or two who would like to head out for fast food someplace with a playland. That way your kids are busy and you are free to talk. It's less pressure than an invitation for dinner, or a play date at someone's house which may require cleaning house ahead of time.

If it's any consolation, the friendships that take a long time to build are often the ones that last a lifetime.

Sorry to hear that you are having this problem - please know that you are not alone - I am in the same boat and dream of moving everyday. We have lived here for one year this month and it is impossible to get anything more than a wave hello from the neighbors. I wish we had the type of neighborhood where people socialized more and had get togethers. Since you are expecting, perhaps you want to put moving plans on the back burner until after the baby is at least a few months old (I think moving and selling a home might be too stressful right now). I realize you have tried hard to meet people - one idea I did have was to try meetup.com. I am not sure if you have this in your area but if you do, you could search for groups that contain areas of interest - i.e. reading clubs, knitting clubs, etc. It might be easier to make legitimate friendships when you have a common interest present. I wish you lived near me and maybe we could be friends!

I have lived in the midwest for a lot of years and also feel alone here. Even though I do have some friends, I feel like I'm from a different planet. Google Steve Job's commencement speech. As he says and I believe, our inner self has a 'knowing' and to follow that, even when it seems impossible. It feels better knowing I'm not the only one lost in the midwest.

I was in a similiar situation. We moved to be closer to my husbands work. We only moved 2 hours away from home, but it felt like 2,000 miles away. We lived there for 18 months and it was very lonely. We just could not make friends. We would invite people over, but they would cancel and then there was the insincere 'lets get together' that never amounted to anything. We were very lonely and missed 'home'. After 18 long months we decided that we had no quality of life there. We wanted to go home. So we did and we are so much happier now. The trade off: my husband commutes 1.5 hours to work each way. But we decided that was worth it to have a quality of life. I got my old job back, we are right around the corner from my wonderful in-laws, we see our friends on a regular basis, my child has playmates etc. I could go on and on about why life is so much better back home. Moving back was the best decision we could have made. We spend a ton in gas every month lol, but so worth it. I hope you make the right decision for your family, but it sounds like you really want to move back home. I say go for it. You need to live where your quality of life is the best. Good luck to you.

Yeah, it's rough. I grew up here, but left for college and just moved back here four years ago (nearly 20 years after I left.) I remember neighbors asking me if I was back in touch with old high school friends, to which I could only reply: my best friends from high school don't live here anymore, we all left. I had an interesting conversation just the other day with a California transplant about how most people who grow up here just STAY - in the same town, in the same neighborhood (in my neighborhood, some of them bought the house they grew up in from their parents and are now raising their children there.) As someone who grew up here, and can see all the wonderful things about this place and this community, but who also lived all over the world (literally) - all this "staying" seems a little creepy to me sometimes. And that is what makes it hard to break in, for sure. Especially with other parents - I do think part of it is that we do tend to form really intense bonds with the parents we know during our first pregnancy and first childrearing years. By the time you hit preschool, it feels like, everyone already has their "best friends" and (as another poster put so aptly, no one is "taking any applications" for friends right now.)

It is hard, it is real, and it's not just you.

That said, now that I've started back to work, and been here for four years, and my kids are getting to be old enough that the parenting is less moment-by-moment intense, I am finding ways to connect with grownups. We've started a monthly game night (we meet at one couple's house, enjoy snacks and adult beverages and, yes, actually play a game - and the hosts rotate each month.) Just working again has helped a lot: to be around people with a similar background and interests and ways of being in the world, with whom I automatically have more in common than the average mom I meet at preschool pickup.

I have also, honestly, leaned on my far-away friends, too. I have, over the past year, made it a real priority to stay in touch with them in a meaningful and regular way - phone calls, emails, whatever. I have set aside time in my life to maintain those real connections - yes, I often dearly wish they could sit across my kitchen table, but the phone is better than nothing.

I do have this to say for Minnesotans - when your baby comes, you will likely be very surprised by the support you get. They don't necessarily know how to open up in friendship, but they will bring you dinner and lend you baby clothes and volunteer to have your older kid(s) over for playdates. You don't mention ECFE - and I know it's run differently in Minneapolis than it is in St. Paul, but still - GO! The people in that class will step up for you in material ways, even if it takes them 10 years to decide they can trust you as a friend.

Whatever you decide is the right thing for you and your family, it's going to be a tough couple of years for you. Picking up and moving again with a baby on the way - even if you move closer to family - will be disruptive and it will take time to settle in again. Or staying here and continuing to invest in being here - that will take time, too. (And yes, more time in total than it might take elsewhere.) I wish you all the best -

Maybe you *should* try to go back. That does seem extreme.
And, no offense to anyone on here but....there is a couple from MN on our block....and honestly....my husband and I find them hard to talk to and relate to....they are kind of strange. LOL
You're not alone though, lots of people struggle with this...my husband and I feel it to a lesser extent. We moved to a new neighborhood in the same town recently. It is SUPER family oriented. Probably 2/3 of the houses, at least, have children living at home and the kids practically rule the streets.
My husband and I have a two year old and are out with him all the time. Taking him for walks...playing with him....we say Hi to everyone we see and often try to strike up conversations. Maybe I'm just naive but honestly, I figured people, ESPECIALLY those couples with small children, would want to get to know us. Would invite us over and whatnot.
Hasn't happened.
In fact, it seems like half the time, when i try to really strike up a conversation....introduce us...etc....people seem vaguely disinterested.
It's almost like, they already have their cliques in the neighborhood....they already have their friends...they just aren't interested in making new connections.
We had a couple of parties and invited LOTS of neighbors. Only two came. We gave out real invitations and everything. Besides the two that came, NO ONE even RSVP'd.
Our immediate neighbors also have a 2 year old and our kids are playmates, we spend lots of time hanging in the driveways talking while they play. They came to one of the parties I mentioned earlier and we went to one of theirs.
Yet, have they EVER even SUGGESTED having us over for dinner, or going somewhere outside of the neighborhood together? No.
I've suggested it once or twice....went nowhere. At this point I fee like it's their move.
I think it's just the new normal in our society. People are busy. It takes time to form friendships and really blend into a community and people are moving around all the time making that harder and harder.
Like I said though, your situation seems a bit extreme.
If I were you, I might very well see about getting the old job back....it never hurts to ask!
Good luck!

I think we are mostly in the same boat. We moved to Minneapolis 8 years ago, and although we love the cities and don't really want to move back to whence we came, I see the same things as you. I have met a lot of cool people who have lived here their whole lives who, as we like to say, "are not accepting applications" for friends. They are willing to hang out if it fits their schedules, and they always seem to like us and our children. It's just that with their families and childhood friends so nearby, they just don't have time for newbies. It's a little depressing. You are right about that. A couple years ago, we moved back to the state we are from, but in a city 80 miles from our families. It was only for one year, and we made great friends with 3 other families on our street and still see them 1-2 times a year. That felt like a home to us. If my husband could get a transfer there, we would move back.

As for the Twin Cities themselves, I love the lifestyle here with the bike trails, great restaurants, and the arts. I love the two mayors we have (Mpls/St. Paul) and the culture as a whole. It is a much better city than the one I grew up in. I think that is why I can also see us living here forever as well.

I'm so sorry about the situation you are in. I empathize, because I have felt that here, too. We have been here 18 years, and I felt lonely at work for the first ten! However, through my husband's first job (which had lots of socializing for the the young employees), we met a lot of other couples we liked and still get together with regularly, so I wasn't without a social life.

All of our favorite people in Minnesota are either not from MN, or have lived elsewhere for a period of time. Frankly, the people who have never left can be kind of insular and boring, and they don't realize how much they have missed out on (or how much they don't know about the world around them) because they've never really gone anywhere. So it's really not you.

I made my first good female friends here through church -- a large, mellow, welcoming urban Episcopal church. I also have a book group that started here on Mamasource -- none of us knew each other before this, but we've been going strong for three or more years, and this book club ROCKS. We all think we will be meeting 10, 20, 30 years from now. Maybe you could try something like that?

We have made friends through our children's sports. We've met some friends in our neighborhood, although not a ton. (Does your block do National Night Out? Maybe you could help get that started.) I made one friend through a beginning running group for women. I have one really close friend I know from work, although it took years for us to become close enough to start socializing regularly. One of my good friends is from our old neighborhood.

Where are you? My guess is the suburbs....I feel like in SW Mpls or some parts of St. Paul, you'd have better luck.

Hang in there!!! Please know you are not alone, and it has got nothing to do with you.

It's hard to be in an area where the old guard still runs the show. THey have been there forever, the kids go to the same schools as they did, the teachers are now teaching the grandkids.
You are treated like the outsider, not necessarily on purpose. It's a comfort thing for them too.
MAybe hubby needs to start looking for some kind of work that is not so stressful nearer to family.
A couple times we lived in these kinds of places. I just had to bide my time and we would be out in 3 years to another, maybe better place. We're military.

My husband and I felt that way a little when we first moved here. Most of our friends were co-workers but we wanted to meet more people in our neighborhood and outside of work. A few houses in our neighborhood turned over and we had our first child. That seemed to somehow do the trick. We met a great couple who's kids go to our daycare and we have a ton of kids all around or kids ages in our neighborhood. Another time I moved and didn't know anyone, I became involved with my college alumni group. I know it's frustrating when people don't reciprocate but I think you will eventually find your place. Maybe it's the area/neighborhood you are in.

I don't know what you should do, but I'm sorry to hear that you are experiencing that. I've heard that before about Minnesota. I grew up here and have family here, but I did move away for 5 years and come back. Unfortunately, it's true, Minnesotans can be a tough group to break into, in part because many people have lived here all of their lives and already have their established social circles and in part because of our Scandinavian reserve. I suspect that what you've experienced with people not wanting to talk about controversial issues relates to the latter. People don't like to instigate things here and since they probably aren't familiar with your views, politics, etc. they don't want to offend you. It sounds like your kids are too young for many activities, but even being a Minnesota native most of our social life revolves around our kids' activities. I asked my husband what are we going to do with ourselves when we no longer have kid games, concerts, out of town tournaments, etc.?? Have you tried any ECFE classes? They were lifesavers for me when I had little ones and many long term friendships are formed through those classes. A lot of my social contact also comes from being a member of the YMCA. If you can afford it, they have great childcare and classes for both adults and kids. Maybe you can even reach out to some of the local moms on this website who seem to be having a similar experience? I do know two families who moved here from Arizona and who have been here for about 10 years and are very well established and have active social lives so it is possible. One of the moms has more friends than I do and I'm from here! All of that said, I can see the attraction to going "home" if you have family there. It is so helpful to have family nearby when you have young children. Family is the primary reason I moved back to the Twin Cities after living in Chicago for five years. Good luck.