Homework Is Making ME Want to Cry!

I experienced the same thing with my son - it was suggested to me that they should come home from school - have a snack and then do homework before going out to play motivation to get outside with their friends - I felt like they needed a breather from school and books - There is a book called Homework without tears - I did find some good advice and suggestions in this book. Good luck to you and try to stay calm it helps because it doesn't give them the satisfaction that they are getting to you. Try and convey that this is her job.

My daughter is in 5th grade now. Last year I hade the exact same problems! I think that 4th grade is the "rebel against homework" grade!

1 - This too will pass!

2 - Be sure not to let your girls know that you don't like homework. If they hear the negative from you, it will feed their negative feelings.

3 - Set up a special place for her to do her homework. I got my daughter a really cute desk set and made room in her room on her desk for her to do her homework. She needs as few distractions as posible.

4 - Her teacher suggested setting a timer and having her try to do so much by the time the timer went off. This didn't work for my daughter as she doesn't work well under pressure. I just read the directions and tried to explain it to her, then walked her through it step by step. I never gave her the answers so she knew that I wouldn't do it for her.

5 - Work closely with the teacher. My daughter had to sit out at recesses and do her homework then if she didn't finish it. I would never let her lose sleep - stay up late to do homework. In the 4th grade, it just isn't worth that! See if you can work out an award system/contract with the teacher. That is what helped my daughter.

6 - Don't sit with her. After you explain it to her and help her with the first one or two, walk away. Tell her you'll be back in 5 minutes and to see how far she can get. This helps you to take some time to stay calm too!

We still struggle at times, but it really does get better!

Good luck!

Hi S. H -- Oh boy, welcome to my world! It's like you wrote the email for me -- S., we're living it together!! Please take no offense to this, but your daughter is a great manipulator -- she'll probably make a great lawyer some day!! I know this because that's what my daughter has done to me this year as well. My daughter is in 4th grade also - she doesn't want to do her homework because she just doesn't care about social studies,etc (by the way, don't you think this curriculum is really hard? I wasn't learning this stuff when I was her age. I don't know how the kids can wrap their brains around some of these subjects!)It has been a struggle this year at my house also. She's very bright and is definitely not living up to her potential. I'm a very hands-on mom and am very interested in my children's education (I have a 3rd grade girl as well), but I really think there is a time where you just have to let go, put the responsibility on them, and just let them fall. A mom at my daughter's dance class, who has a 5th grader, gave me that advice. I've been doing it, as hard as it is, and it really seems to work. Now, mind you, I'm not saying don't care, still be there to guide her with what she needs to get done and be there for her when she needs help, but that's it. If she doesn't get the homework done, sobeit!! Does any college out there look at 4th grade grades, anyway??!! I think if you and I don't handle it that way, we're denying our children by learning one of life's lessons. So here's what I do: I look at what my daughter needs to get done (whether it's homework or studying for a test), let her know what her after-school schedule is like and what timeframe she has to get this done, and then (here's the hard part) just let her have at it. If she doesn't get it done, oh well, she's the one that has to suffer the embarrassment of her teacher questioning her. So far, we haven't experienced that, because, down deep, I think she really does care! I think it makes my daughter feel better because I'm treating her more like a grown-up (which she's just dying to be!). So I say to her, "Honey, here's what you need to get done. This is your responsibility and you need to do your best. If there's something that you're just really stuck on, I'm here to help." and then I leave the room. Just quietly and calmly ignore the manipulations - they will always try it on us, but if we "react" they will have won!!
Well, S., that's my 2 cents, take it for what it's worth!! Just know that you have a fellow mom who's going through the same thing -- you are not alone!! It's been a tough year at my house, but it's getting better. I'm still transitioning - it has been such a big adjustment for me because I'm a perfectionist and a control freak (yikes, what a combo!)

Good luck -- let's hope that 5th grade is a better year for both of us!! M. A

We use gold coins to reward (or punish) our son for any behavior that is extraordinary - on either end of the spectrum. There are certain things that are expected of him - and age appropriate. So, if he does his homework or picks up his room without being asked, we reward him with a certain number of gold coins. If he lies (he gives US 3) or if homework becomes a hassle, then, he owes us whatever it has accumulated to. Starts off with, "You owe us a gold coin. If want to continue to lose, them, then continue acting like this." Once he acquires 20 coins, then he can either keep saving them or use 20 toward a day of go-karting. 100 will get him a trip to Disneyland for the day. It's all about him and how much he listens and helps. One morning, he got himself dressed after his shower without a word from us and then helped his brother get things ready. We quietly went to the cabinet and grabbed 5 gold coins - he was shocked - since he was just being a good with no alterior motive. We told him that this is what we like to see. THE KEY IS CONSISTENCY. We have a chart showing how much each activity is worth - positive and negative. No more yelling. No more frustrations. It has made our lives SO easy.

If the teachers feel the work is a suitable level and she has no problems REALLY understanding most of it - check this - then you must set the time (after a snack a chat and some TV or whatever) in another room with a set time to do it and let her come back to the family when its done
Little interaction until it's done and no excuses. You let her know you have checked with school, and from now on this is the way it's going to be.

That is the only way she will do it. I don't envy you but there it is. It's her responsibility. Don't help unless she's
done some and REALLY got stuck and is willing to go away and finish after 5 mins max of help.

ps I don't blame her either!!

I am a divorced single mom of a 7 & 9yr old and have my insurnace license too, and I so understand your struggle! 2nd grade, regular class and 4th grade, special ed. One has homework they have to turn in on Friday and one has homeowork they have to turn in every day. I had the same battle every night till just recently. I got to the same point you are at now. I will try to give you a few ideas, because each child is different and maybe more than one will work. First I thought they deserved some relax time because they just got home, etc. That turned into dinner time which then turned into I'm too tired etc. So I set my mind to one schedule and resolved myself to stick to it. When they get home, they are made to sit down and have a healthy snack, so we don't have to deal with low blood sugar tantrums. Then we get out the homework. NOTHING is allowed to be done until the homework is done. Not even getting up from the table. It took two weeks but now, they come home and it gets done. The first day or two it was I have to go to the bathroom, crying, my son's famous line "I don't get this", etc. So, I battled it out a few hours. When the work was finally done my son was too tired to read, so in front of him I wrote the teacher a note that said he was refusing to read. I sent it to school with him and his teacher is so great, she made him lose two recesses. The next day he was better, but then he said he didn't "get it". I do make sure to sit down with them and really try to help with the work, but sometimes they just don't want to "get it". I wrote another note and asked her to explain it to him, funny thing was, he wasn't so keen on that idea, and kinda decided to "get it" then, but I wrote it anyway, he doesn't pretend to be so dumb with her. Now he doesn't say that unless he is really having a problem. We have had a few setbacks here and there, they still try sometimes to pull old rabbits out of thier hats, but I let them know, nothing gets done till that homework gets done no matter what. I stand my ground. Once my daughter was so bad with throwing a fit about it I ripped it up and threw it away and told her she would just have to face the teacher the next day and tell her what happened because I would not put up with it. I also have a board in my kids room I put stars on. When they've been good at school they get two stars. When they've done thier homework they get two, etc. I never take thier stars away for punishment. Their punishment is seperate. They trade thier stars in for money to buy toys etc. So when she finally gets it, reward her. She is just strong willed. But so are you! Hang in there. When you are tired your kids know. They try to wear you down, just stay calm and you will win.

Hi S.,

My fourth grader goes to school in Mission Viejo also. What helped me the most with this issue is a parenting expert named Howard Glasser at www.DifficultChild.com.

He is coming to CA for a lecture Monday, May 8... Fullerton, Crown Plaza hotel for $89.

Most helpful thing I ever did for parenting empowerment.

Of course I don't get any perks for recommending him... ;D....

He teaches how to get from negative cycles to positive cycles with kids up to age 18.

Now my son ATTACKS his homework!

Blessings,

C. A.

Have her tested. Maybe she has dyslexia or something.

boy is that familiar....My daughter is younger than yours (she's 7)I had the two to three hours of battling over homework while she sat there saying she was stupid and couldn't do it and it was too hard...etc.

That was last year...now she exceeds grade level and it's no longer an issue.

What I figured out with my child was that it wasn't necessarily an inability to do the work so much as a total lack of self confidence.

I'm interested in knowing if she is this way about her school work as well.

I prefer Charter Schools that have no homework...For the same reason why does your child have to go to school all day and then come home and do more work...But if you love your school...try having her best friend do homework with her - "study hall" style after school. Or try setting a timer and doing 15 minutes at a time and then she gets up and moves around. This really works because you have them do as much as they can in 15 miutes and then take a break...Many times they get a huge chunk of it done in that time. But it also allows them to see that there is a beginning a middle and an end. Sit with her for the first few times and when she asks you stuff answer with a question. Don't help. It really works.
LauraG

Whew! Been there done that and am still on the road. 4th grade is a tough year because they are transitioning to upper grade. Although it's possible a tutor (unemotional 3rd party that she won't manipulate) might help, she is probably tired, frustrated and wants to get out of it...my daughter still plays these cards and she's in middle school.

As a special ed instructional aide, I opted to use some of my "techniques" from work on her and they usually worked. We have timers around the house. When we get home, I let her get a snack and set a timer. The timer tells her when to turn off the t.v. NOT ME! No more power plays. After she's done with one assignment, I might set another timer for a break. Basically, she earns a break just like we do at work, right? Also, you might find out what her "reinforcers" are...does she like a scoop of ice cream, icee or something that she can work for? Make an age appropriate chart or let her make it (all the better) and then she can work for smaller things daily...and larger items weekly. Everyone likes to be rewarded, right?

GOOD LUCK

S.,
I recommend a tutor. A good one should be able to asses her and find out where she is having issues. I also recommend spending a little alone time with her. You are a single working mother. 4th grade is a tough year for many kids. Boys are becoming an issue and social issues start getting tougher.
Set some time asside to just sit down and talk to her. You could go for a walk or ice cream. What ever it is that she enjoys doing.
Good luck!

I am relating to this from your daughter's perspective because A) I don't have kids that age (yet), and B) I can still vividly remember those days. First, try to have her do her homework as early in the day as possible, but keep in mind she might need an hour or so to wind down after school. But give the process as much structure as possible. Say she gets one hour after school to do whatever, then she has to do her homework for an hour. And if she doesn't finish it in that hour, say she has to work on it after dinner until it is done.

When she asks you to help her, help her, but don't give in to doing it for her, and simply console her when she says she can't get it. I was a very smart kid, but I hated Math. It made me cry, I got so frustrated with it. So maybe your daughter is honestly that frustrated. My mom used to read the problems out loud to me, which made it more doable for me, but didn't cross the line to her doing it for me. But just that little thing made me feel better about doing the work. Also, check her work and give her praise when she does something right, and if she gets something wrong let her know, but tell her you know she can get it if she tries again. She probably just lacks confidence.

Hopefully I helped a little.

Hi S.:
I also have a 4th grader, a boy. We had the same issues every day after school. Now, we do most of the homework on the weekend. The spelling activity on Sunday, the timed reading on Mon,Tues,Wed and the math in between. The reading log we never read the number of pages requested, but I figure I have to give a little to get alot. I read the book "Homework Without Tears" and it gave me some great ideas for breaking up the homework. If I can get 15 minutes straight out of him, I give him a 15 minute break to do something he wants to do. They call this "chuncking" at school so it fit well into his routine. I too hate the homework time, but now I am letting him except consequences for not getting the majority of his homework done on the weekend such as, no friends over, no bike riding, no computer or TV time unless he has put forth some effort on the weekend. It took a few temper tantrums and alot of crying, but he knows I do mean it now and he has excepted the fact I am not backing down. We use a timer for the minutes he must work without yelling, saying he can not do it, etc. That seems to give him idea when the misery will end for him (and me too). Good luck and if you should find any ideas that work for you, please share them with me.

L. B

My sister has been going through the same thing... Things got better when she hired or arranged a peer tutor to come by and help her. The little girl that came by was in grade 6. My niece was in grade 4 at the ime. Many schools, especially Catholic schools have a program where the student has to do x # of hours of community support... before they graduate.

If you could find an older student who your child will respect... I bet the theatrics will dsiappear!

If you do her homework for her, how does her teacher know where her weaknesses are? You are trying very hard to be a good parent at the expense of your relationship with your daughter. Explain to her that SHE must do her homework. Tell her to sit down and do it while you go do the laundry or some other task. Give her one hour to complete it. Tell her that, when her homework time is over, you'd be happy to answer any questions she might have. If she doesn't complete it, send her to school the next day with a note to the teacher advising her/him of the circumstances. Maybe you could promise to take the girls out for a special time together on the weekend if she completes her homework (on her own) all week. Remember, your other daugher sees all this, too. Remember also, that 9 year old girls do get emotional anyway. Staying away from her while she does her homework might help prevent all the negative attention. Best of luck to you!

Hi S.,
I have a 5th grader, before we have the same problem and now he does it on his own. What I
did was, when he was in the in the 3rd grade he can't understand his homework, I would read the instructions and I will give him an example, since then he would just asked me for sample and he would do it by himself. I think sometimes they're just tired and don't want to do homework, just set a time limit, like homework time, reading time and some family time, It
also help if you don't show frustration with them when they need help, it gets worse, it's their
homework not ours. It also helps me if I go on line to get more example, most of the time
the kids have a difficult homeworks too. Good Luck and take it easy.