How Can I Be a Better Mother?

You need a break. Just a break. But your Hubby does not engage in home things/nor kid upkeep things. So that is hard.

I am a SAHM too. My Hubby works hard AND goes to school. He is busy 24/7. BUT... he is STILL a "parent" and a "Husband".. and I'm sorry... but they still have to be a PART of the family. And do things. They are NOT exempt.
I am a SAHM whose husband works hard.. but that does not mean that he is any less responsible for being a "parent" or Husband. AND.. .. a child needs to SEE their "Dad" take part in the family, and with them. Being present and giving face time and to the upkeep of the kids. Kids need that.
That is my perspective. And my Husband's. No matter how busy/tired he is. He WILL make time for the kids, and the household. He will eat dinner with us, and help with bedtime, change diapers, feed them etc. THAT is the "role" of a Husband and Dad. They are IN the home too, procreated, and has a family. They cannot be "absent" from that. It is life. My Husband is not perfect nor as hands-on with the kids or household as I am... but he does take part in it.. and with the kids.
So... I believe, your Husband... needs to do that. It is important for the kids. As well, as you.

Your eldest child is not a single child anymore. Lots of adjustment. They go stir crazy too... and she is at the age where things get tricky. Developmentally. You might strongly consider... putting your eldest child in Preschool. Even part-time. She will get HER time... be socialized and stimulated.. .and have fun. And it will give you a 'break' and to have time with only your newborn.
That is what we did, when I had my 2nd child. My eldest LOVED being in Preschool... LOVED it. It was HER time, HER routine, HER friends and activities... and her time AWAY from a baby/the crying/the busy-ness and it gave her something to look forward to, a 'routine' and all that good stuff.

You are not a bad Mom. You are a 2 child Mom. It is busy. You are doing your best. But you also need time away... just by yourself... for your own time. ALL Moms need that. It is only fair.

And yes, get a Babysitter if you can... when you need to or even daily... to help out.

Also, it is not just doing things with your child that will help.. but it is also about nurturing a 'relationship' with your eldest... talking/doing things together/building bridges with her as a Mommy & daughter/talking with her about ideas,thoughts,feelings... and that her 'role' in the family and as a sister.. is so wonderful and special. Incorporate her INTO things too... even if just sweeping the floor.

all the best,
Susan

Dear C.,
You sound overwhelmed and tired. I think your 2 year old can sense that.
Nothing wrong on her part or yours, but try, as hard as it is, to be in control of the situation and keep a consistant schedule.
My kids were 10 years apart and my son was 3 weeks old when introduced to his first road trip when my mother in law died unexpectedly. Six hours away. We stayed there for a week making all the arrangements, having the funeral etc. My baby was out and about from minute one and he did great. Having an older sister, we went to all her school functions, room parties, school plays...we walked every day. I never felt tied at home. He was born June 28 and on top of the funeral at weeks, we also travelled to a wedding when he was 3 months and he was in the car every single morning to take my daughter to school and pick her up.
I understand your older child is only two, but there are still things you can do together even with a new baby. She can sit by you while you nurse the new baby and you can read to her or she can pretend read to you. She sounds super smart.
I didn't have kids that close together so I don't know how hard that part is, but I do know that you can still get out a little with the baby and let your daughter run her energy off.
Teach her to play "Go Fish" while you are holding the baby. Even though she's young, let her pick out clothes for the baby. Just get her involved as much as possible and don't feel like you can't go out.
My first baby had her first outing at 3 days old because I was so engorged I thought I would die if I didn't get a breast pump.

Take a deep breath. Try not to get flustered. Your daughter will be fine. And, don't be afraid to take your baby out.

I wish you the very best. Things really will calm down.

maybe less education~more cuddle time with the 2 year old, but have no fear, it will get easier soon, when the infant is less demanding u will havre more time for the other daughter, and yourself

Why are you tied to the house because you have a 2 week old? Bundle them both up in the car...and head out to do something fun!!! Go to the park, pack a picnic lunch, take them both for a walk. Your little toddler cannot understand why suddenly everything in her world has changed!!!! Of course she is going to react and she is simply begging for your attention with all of the "acting out". Do you have a sling or baby carrier so you can "wear" your infant while you are doing things with your toddler? It also sounds like it is time to sit down with your husband and have a calm, clear talk with him .Yes, I agree with you that it is wonderful that his job enables you to stay at home to raise your children, but while HE is working a 50 hour work week YOU are putting in a LOT more hours than that!!! Not only is it not fair to you, that you have to juggle everything with the children, the house and the bills...but think of the joy and the love he is missing out on by not developing a real relationship with is girls!!! It is SO important for girls to have a good relationship with their Daddy because that helps shape the way they will relate to men for the rest of their lives. Encourage him to start spending an hour with the girls every evening...reading stories to them, playing simple games that the toddler can participate in....taking the two of them out for a walk in the neighborhood while you take a nice warm bath and relax a little bit. Or the four of you do things together...pack that picnic basket with dinner and take them to the local park, the baby will enjoy the outdoors, the toddler will love the playground and you and your husband can relax and enjoy the evening while you watch the toddler play.
There are so many things you can do to make life more pleasant for all of you...and I am sure that as you spend a little more time with your toddler, like she is used to, she will become the sweet little girl you have always known and loved!!!

I just want to add: ask for or accept help!
My friend is due with her second one in a matter of days and when I offer to pick up her two year old to play with my duaghter, I mean it! I would have no problem having a friend with a newborn dropping her older child off for a playdate instead of sticking around, just ask one of the moms you've had playdates with before.

It's normal for older children to act up when a sibling arrives, as others have said. It will probably pass eventually, but it can take some time to get used to. Just remember as smart she may be, she is still just a baby herself and NOT in control of her emotions. Hire a sitter for her (to do fun stuff) or the baby (so you can have an hour of one on one a few times a week, even a breastfed baby can go w/o mom for an hour or two every now and then) if you don't have a friend who will help! And don't be too hard on yourself.

Good luck.

the first year will be rough. you have what i call 'irish twins.' not taking the newborn out, is totally ok in my book. i did the same thing. i didn't take my newborns out for months, just run to doctor to sometimes at the park but that was it.
toddler watching tv more than you think you would want her to, is your coping mechanism. i always tell moms, do what you can to survive the first year. your toddler not behaving...she has entered the terrible twos, which continue well into 3s and 4s. it's a good time to start disciplining her, meaning use the 1-2-3 magic. she gets 3 warnings afterwards she gets put in the corner or send to her room for a couple of minutes.
things will get better. just do what you can in meantime.

I agree, you could try to find a "Mother's Helper." You could hire a younger girl to do this because you'll be home. Your Mother's Helper could just assist with playing with your 2-year old and giving her some much-needed attention. Or she could help while the newborn is sleeping and you're playing with your 2-year old. A Mother's Helper would be much cheaper than a babysitter (and you wouldn't leave the house so you could keep an eye on everything). Probably there's a young girl out there right now that would like to earn some money!

HUGS, you're doing the best you can!

You need a break and some "me" time. your little girl needs the same thing. Can you take your daughter to a friends house? or do you have a neighbor girl who can come be a "mothers helper" they are wonderful to keep little ones happy while you do some things you need to do. have her come from like 9 to 12. while she is there you can do your housework etc.. fix your 2 yr olds lunch. while the 2 yr old is eating you can feed the baby. read a story and put them both down for naps. then you rest. you will feel so much better when your have some rest. when your 2 yr old is back in a semblance of a routine she will also feel / act better. Take them to the park. put them in a stroller and go for a walk. get in a car and go for a ride. you will all feel better lol. go for an ice cream cone at the dairy queen. you are all feeling tired and out of sorts. and while I appreciate the husband works (mine is an electrician so same kind of work as your hubby) he can take a turn with the kids so that you can take a bath and read a book for a half hour. mine used to take his shower and then lay on the couch with first one new born on his belly and the next year a new born on his belly and a 1yr old tucked in next to him. and by his feet the first baby who was 7yrs old by then. don't let yourself get stuck in the tied to the house because your trying to do it all. you will go crazy. let someone else help. demand it if you have to. do you have a church group that can help make some meals? that always helps too.

It sounds like your daughter got all of your attention before the baby was born; if so, her behavior now is completely normal (if frustrating). She is reacting this way because her life has been turned 90 degrees, and she does not know how to deal with it. No matter how smart she is, a two year old simply does not have the emotional maturity to gracefully deal with such a life change. Along with that, she is now "housebound" with you, which only adds to her frustration (and btw - I also am in the camp that you don't take newborns out until they are a bit older).
I think you will feel better if you accept that your daughter's reaction is normal, and not be surprised by the change. Along with that, I agree with the other posters who ask whether you can find someone to help out a few hours a day or week or start your two year old in a part-time preschool. If you can't, then this is a perfect time to start teaching "independent play" to your two year old so that she can begin to entertain herself.

Buying something for her will not solve this problem......... And if she is watching that much tv (EVEN if it is "educational") that is also contributing to her acting out. I can EASILY tell when my kids, ages 5 and 3, have watched too much in a day!

It's summer. Instead of buying her something, why don't you use that money and hire a teen-aged girl (anywhere from 12 on up) to come help you out a little??? She could play with your 2 year old. Hold your baby while you shower or clean. Etc. It would be a big help for YOU and your older daughter would probably enjoy a new face to play with! The girl could even watch the baby for a little while so YOU could spend some time with your 2 year old. Or the 4 of you could do things together. Go to the park. Etc. That way you could sit on the bench and nurse your baby while your toddler could play and you would have someone available to help keep an eye and play with your 2 year old. I know I would have LOVED to do this sort of thing when I was younger! I LOVED babies and little kids. (Still do!) Even a couple days a week for a couple hours would be a tremendous help to you! A 12 or 13 year old would probably be thrilled to make a few bucks doing something they love. MUCH cheaper than daycare or an older teen/college student coming in to help!

Have some fun things available for your daughter that YOU can sit by her and she can do. Home made play dough is GREAT! Just give her some cookie cutters and other kitchen gadgets to play with. Even my husband and myself enjoy playing play dough with our kids.

Sit down and have an honest heart to heart talk with your husband. Be NICE. Don't accuse him of things otherwise he will just get defensive. Tell him how great it is that he works so hard to you can stay home. But then tell him how important it is that he spends some time with his daughters. If girls aren't getting what they need from their daddy's, they will look for it from other boys when they get older. He needs to start building his relationship with them NOW.

I agree that breastfeeding a 2 week old shouldn't keep you tied to the house or to JUST your baby! You can cuddle your 2 year old and read to her while you nurse. We purchased an Ergo when we had our 2nd and I wore him everywhere (including around the house!). Kept my hands free to do things with our 2 1/2 year old, to cook, or to clean. Hey, I even used the bathroom wearing him in the Ergo! Take your daughter for a short walk every day. Play on the sidewalk with chalk. Get a kiddie pool and a few water toys for her to play in while you sit by her.

I feel for you. When I had my second I felt like I had ruined my son's life. My daughter was born in January in Massachusetts so we were really "tied to the house" since it was about 20 - 30 degrees out. Since it is the summer I would really try and get out. Take your daughter to a park and let the baby sleep in the carriage. Go right after you feed the baby and stay for about an hour so you can get back home before the next feeding. I didn't like to breastfeed in public either, but I gradually got used to it. During the day the park is usually full of other mothers who have been through the same thing as you. It will get easier, I can promise you that. Best of Luck!

your angel is acting out because she wants your attention, not because you're a bad mother. She's jealous of the baby. You are not a bad mother. Until the last 10 years or so, no one spend all this time thinking that they need to be constantly entertaining their children. It's not bad for your kid to spend time by herself, maybe with the tv off using her imagination.

Also, there's no reason you cant take a baby out, just dont let strangers play with it. We took our daughter out as a baby and nothing bad happened.

Oh boy! I'm gonna be in your shoes in about a week!!! I have a 22 month old boy and baby number 2 is coming anyday now. Anyway, you mentioned your husband works very hard and makes good money. Is it possible for you to hire someone to come and help you out even if it is 2-3 hours a day, or a couple of times a week? Maybe you can hire a college student who is studying child care or something relevent and she could come over and help you with the kids, play with the 2 year old, or take care of your newborn while you spend time with the 2 year old, or help you take them out to the park or something.
Best of luck,
S.

I didn't read the other responses, but I assume from your "PS" that others have been telling you to get out of the house... and I totally agree! That was (and still is) a total lifesaver for me. If you aren't home, you won't notice the mess, plus there will be a lot less of it because you won't be home to be making more of one! :-)

Whooping cough is going around in the summer where you live? If you are outside, just don't let anyone touch the baby... and keep some hand sanitizer around. Fresh air does the body good!!!!!

I find that if I'm home too much, my kids get rammy, plus bored with their toys, etc...if we are out and about alot, then when we HAVE to be home, they play much better.

Put the baby in a front carrier and go to the park, the zoo... anywhere outside. You and both kids will be so much happier. As for the breastfeeding... you can always find somewhere secluded to go, or pump first and bring some bottles.

One other thing I did when my youngest was only 2 weeks old, was I would take my daughter out somewhere to play while the baby was sleeping, and then my older one would fall asleep on the way home... she'd take a nap for two hours and I would wake the baby up to have some time with her... then she'd probably fall asleep again when her sister was getting up. That worked well for a while, until i was ready for them to nap at the same time.

Good luck!

C.,
I think your salvation is resting during your daughter's nap! Let the housework GO--it's never all done anyway--LOL
On the bright side--a 2 week old sleeps a lot so try to do a little O.-on-O. with 2 year old during O. stretch of baby sleep then engage her in something else the next stretch of sleep.....then you can be productive...for a little while. Hang in there...it will get better as she gets more used to having a baby around.

I think your question just described my life!!! I now have a 6 month old daughter and a two year old son. Before my daughter, my son had my full attention. We were constantly learning new thing! I actually had him reading by 20 months. Since my daughter, I feel like he isn't getting the attention or learning experience that he used too. Also he is acting out in the same way you described. Personally, I honestly believe it has alot to do with the age. Everyone talks about the terrible twos, however I never believed my son would get to that point. He was always very calm and well mannered before he turned two. Now he has tons of engery, he's always in to everything, and makes tons of messes. I think once they hit 2, their minds just start exploring and they want to play with everything and explore everything! At times I feel like Im not giving both my kids the equal amount of attention but truthfully babies do need more attention and when I see my son climbing on me like Im a jungle gym he always has a smile on his face so I dont think he actually feels like he isn't getting enough attention. Also take some time for yourself (believe me I know that's easier said than done!) But mommy's need breaks too!! I try to have one moment in the day where both my kids are napping and I go outside and relax on my patio for a moment or two!!

I feel for you! Being a mom to one is difficult but a mom to two is just so freakin' HARD sometimes! It doesn't sound like you are doing anything "wrong" and your oldest is probably acting out due to all of the changes (a baby changes everything, especially when its the second!) I completely understand not wanting to nurse in public, I was very private about that too so don't let others make you feel bad about that. You do what you feel most comfortable with. My suggestion for your 2 y/o is to ask some friends for help. You said you used to take her for play dates? Could you ask one of those moms take her for a couple hours? It may be uncomfortable to ask, but I think you would be surprised at how much people are willing to help. I refused to ask for help with my first and was so miserable trying to do it all myself. With the second I made sure I had a support group and I am enjoying my baby so much more this time around!

Good luck to you and just know that it will all work out and things will settle down.

(((Hugs)))

-Leanne