my husband and i have been together for 7 years now, and in those 7 years he has gained around 40-50 pounds. i really worry about his health--he has a family history of heart disease and high cancer rates. he still eats like he's a soccer-playing, cross-country running teenager, but he is not. i make all of our food at home and adhere to a 'paleo' diet--lean, grass-fed meats, plenty of veggies and fruits, nuts and healthy fats. i do make non-paleo foods for our kids and husband, and we do go out to eat together maybe once a week. but he is not shy about getting fast food any day that i don't get a chance to pack his lunch, and will go to the grocery store to buy his 'comfort foods' without me. the thing that kills me is he gives our kids the potato chips, ramen, chips and salsa, fast food and soda that they know i don't like them to have. it sounds like i'm a nazi about our food habits, but i'm not and i'm genuinely just concerned about our family's health. recently he told me that he feels i'm too controlling about our food, and i welcomed him to start picking a few nights a week where he wants to cook dinner. on those rare nights that he does cook, it's hot dogs and potato chips with ridiculous amounts of bread and starches. EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT he makes a bowl of ramen or chips and salsa and washes it down with 3 beers. this is after the kids have gone to bed and after i made a healthy dinner for all of us. then he wonders why i don't jump at the chance to have sex when his breath reaks of beer and spicy salsa...yuck. he does not exercise regularly, but does play 2 games of ultimate frisbee each week and occassionally does push-ups with our kids on his back and plays sports with them and other stuff like that. he seems depressed--like his ideal day would be sitting inside playing video games and drinking beer. i miss when he used to have such a zest for life and actually planned outdoor adventures. i don't feel like he is truly depressed, but that he has gotten to a point physically where his lack of activity and poor dietary habits have made him sluggish and lethargic. he also works in a cubicle all day, so i know that has to be really tough on him. in order for one of us to go exercise, one of us has to be home with the kids. we do go on family walks but it's a very slow pace since my 3 year old will usually ride his tricycle and our 18 month old is constantly in and out of the stroller. we don't have a babysitter or anything to watch them so we can workout together without them climbing all over us
so, my question for you ladies is how do you think i should go about encouraging him to take better care of himself? have any of you had experience with a husband who drastically improved his health?
Invite him to go on a walk with you.
If he won't, go alone. He'll come along in a few days.
My mood rises demonstrably when I exercise. And I can also eat what I want when I exercise.
Two birds - one stone. :)
the thing is....it's one thing to feel strongly about a structured diet, & it's completely another thing to preach/harp/nag/beg/request another adult to adhere to your own personal choices.
& that's what this boils down to: you have one way of living & he has another. So, my question would be....when did you begin making your dietary choices? At what point in your relationship did you begin implementing & adhering to the paleo- diet? Did you enter the relationship with this fixed in place....or did you change the rules of engagement after you were together? This is a very important detail to think about! Did you make these changes after you were together?
If you took a step back & really looked at your post, you would see that there are many factors to this issue.
**He used to be very active & athletic. With a cubicle job, of course he's gaining weight! Any athlete will gain weight after giving up the sport!
**Many adults gain weight during the time period between school & settling into the 1st decade of married life. No more running around...
**the 3 beers nightly could account for a lot of the weight gain alone!
& moving on to the marital issues:
**there is no way you can be this religious about food issues in your home - without being a food nazi. No way.
**you are judging his every move. From how he eats, to how he doesn't exercise, to how you reject him sexually over his breath! Poor guy!
**you expect him to follow your rules when it comes to feeding the kids. If he doesn't embrace your diet, then why would you expect him to push it onto the kids. Parenting is 50/50....not all your way!
**you feel right in purchasing your personal food choices....& yet he has to go & buy his own. Again...you're striving for "all your way"! Kudos to him for having the guts to insist on his own personal choices....even if they are "bad" for him. Which makes me wonder....who buys the beer? :)
I realize a lot of this response is pushing the boundaries of being polite. My dad was a control freak....& I'm seeing a lot of similarities in your attitudes. He, too, felt he was only trying to do the best for all concerned. What he didn't get....was that he was destroying the souls of those around him in the process.
Please, please.....back off. Let your DH be an adult. Let him have the autonomy to make his own personal choices. He knows what's right, & hopefully, one day he will see the light. I know you think you're doing this out of love.....but, in the end, is it worth what's happening in your marriage & do you really want your kids to know the gulf between the two of you? Have you ever considered marriage counseling? That might be the kick your DH needs to make better choices....without you pushing him!
It sounds like your family is not on the same page as to what they consider a healthy diet.
I get you are trying to keep them healthy but that just sounds miserable and boring.
If you restrict a diet too much people will crave the forbidden fruit. They will binge as it appears your family does. Perhaps the answer is for you to lighten up a bit and meet them in the middle.
I eat very healthy, and please don't take this the wrong way, I would not want to be married to you. :( I feel bad saying that but you remind me of my mom. She restricted our diets so much that at the age of six I would save up my money to buy a tub of frosting that I hid under my bed. I wanted the most sugar I could buy with my little bit of money. I assure you I hate my mom for that! I don't want your kids hating you.
Oh if it seems like I didn't answer it is because I don't think your husband is particularly unhealthy. He just needs moderation and he will come around.
Eating hot dogs, potato chips with "ridiculous" amounts of breads and starches once a week will not hurt your kiddos or husband. The paleo diet is not for everyone, and carbs are not evil. You seem to have an unhealthy attitude toward food.
Moderation is the key to a healthy (and happy) life. Once you learn and live this, maybe your husband and kids will follow your (healthier) example.
hmmm men aren't as sensitive. How about I love you and am attracted to you but I am not turned on by your eating habits and the beer/salsa breath...Maybe we can start exercising together and get in shape for eachother.
I agree with Jo about your diet though
I would encourage him to brush his teeth.. you say you buy stuff for house that is healthy.. Make your own salsa that is healthy. Find ways of encouraging him. Go for family walk.Though if he thinks your not enjoying love life he may be eating more for that reason.You can also workout in the house its never to early to get your kids to love walking, doing other things. He may not now how to cook anything else show him things he can cook
The changes you are hoping to see come from within not by someone else's will. Stop banging your head against a wall. I used to exasperate myself trying to get my dad to change his eating habits. But after I had washed my hands of it, he came to a place of change on his own years later. He got sick of the way he felt and made some changes. Sadly, It was nothing any of us said or did that brought about this change. How does that little mantra go?....accept the things I cannot change?
I am right there with you, minus the beer. lol. I wish my hubby would eat better and excersise...but it is not him so I can't make him. I set a dr appt for him each year and hope that the dr will encourage him to go a diff direction. He just has a low key life style, sits at a desk, easy going. He likes to ride a bike and started to do that. YEAH ! just except and love him for who he is.
You have received a lot of advise I agree with: that if you back off on the stringent diet and openly discuss with him both your ideas of food then perhaps you can come to the middle ground. My mom is a lot like you, whatever she believes everyone has to do, from eating to how to fold fitted sheets. If you have other ideas the not-so-silent disapproval starts, sometimes just little "tsk" sounds when you get something sweet to out-and-out asking me "wouldn't your husband love you more if you lost some weight". (I have gained weight now that I am over 50). I love my husband with his buddha belly and all, and fortunately he loves me with my bigger thighs as well. It is the person he is that I love - his personality, the way he makes me laugh, the way he engages the kids with his upbeat attitude. What would happen to your love if something bad happened to your husband, like if he was stuck in a wheelchair?
Do some deep thinking about how your attitude is affecting a reaction in him and vice versa. Perhaps you can be the one to break the downward spiral and communicate wisely. In my opinion, both in a marriage have to be willing to give 100% in order to get to the magic 50/50 give and take.
