How Can I Help My Almost 5 Year Old (And Her Dad) Have a Less Stressful Morning?

Hi L.:
You sound like a very caring,compassionate woman.I think the girls are fortunate to have you in their lives,and it's my belief,that you're genuine display of understandiing,and caring about them will develope into A close,meaningful relationship.I won't dispute,that there are cases when A child would benifit from counseling,however it's not always warranted,and it's not always the answer.In your girl's particular situation,I would think merely taking steps to eleminate their fears,and providing security and structure would solve the majority of their problems.Children need A regular routine,to feel secure,and I think you'd agree,that at this time,they don't have one. They have people coming and going out of their life,they are being somewhat tossed from one household to another,by spliting time during the busy week,They are now living in a strange enviroment,where it would appear they are getting little to no sleep.They have been forced into this arrangement and they have no control over it.I think you know,that things could be alot worse under their circumstances.You've already recognized what the issues are. All thats left is to do something to help them. The ideal enviroment for them is A place they can call home.A place they can feel secure,and have a regular routine.A place they know they will return to each day and throw their books in the corner.They want to have someone they can spill their guts to,and then go out and play with those girls they have been able to establish friendships with. Spliting up A week doesn't give them efficient time to settle in to one household,the rules,or routine.They need more time at each,to adjust to the changes.I don't know what type of relationship the exes have,but during this time,when they must make that big transition to school,I would make arrangements for the girls to stay with you and dad,until mom found them A more secure place to live.They need their rest,or they are'nt going to be able to function in school. When the little one is dropped off,lingering,is making her believe that she has something to worry about.She needs to beleive that you are all secure with who your leaving her with.That its no big deal and now part of her daily routine.It's my thought,that the more secure the girls feel,the smoother things will become.Let them know you are there to listen.Give them a shoulder,someone they feel understands how they feel.Be A confident,then choose wisely what you decide to share with anyone else.You don't want to destroy the trust,or closeness they share with you.Give the little one choices,and both alot of love.They are both still young,and open to A close relationship with you. You have A good head and A soft heart,you'll do great.I wish you and your stepdaughters the best. J. M

It sounds like you are very intellegent and have hit the nail on the head. This behavior is all coming from the four year old being resistant to changes and having to undergo them anyway. Changing environments (new school and kindergarten, new people to deal with including classmates and teachers, loss of the mom's boyfriend who was significant to her, living with grandpa and inconsistency between her dad and her mom's parenting). All of these factors can lead to major meltdowns and tantrums like you are describing. I would say give her a few weeks to begin adjusting to everything. Whatever method of discipline you and your fiance' use with her, be consistent. Spend increased 1:1 time with her if you can, and just love her. You can enforce rules in your home, but are pretty much powerless over how things are run in the mom's environment.

Both of these girls are lucky to have you in their lives. Enjoy being a stepmom and let your husband do the discipline with them and just support him so you can be united as a couple. Let their mom be their mom and you be an adult who loves and cares for them. Trust me, I have been a stepmom for quite some time.

As an aside, my son (age 4 1/2) also started kindergarten yesterday and is going through the adjustment with it as well, excited to be there at times, but other times whining and saying "I hate school and I never want to go back." So I know it will take time to deal with the transition.

If your four year old does not adjust within a few months, I would recommend counseling for her to your fiance'. She may benefit from some type of grief counseling or counseling to deal with all these changes better.

Very best of luck to you.

Hello, Wow, your whole family has been through a lot. I suspect that this little girl is just overwhelmed. I would ask the teacher how things are going after she is left there. When our kids were younger, I ran a licensed daycare from my home. We would occasionally have a child who would be upset when the parent left, but just fine after a few minutes. I have also worked in an elementary school and now volunteer in one and have observed this. Some kids are upset all day, some recover as soon as the parent leaves. Are any of you able to volunteer in her class once a week? If so, it might make it easier when she is dropped off to know that one day a week is the time when a parent (step-parent) can stay. I began working at our kids' school when our youngest started kindergarten and he made a deal with me that he wouldn't have a problem with me leaving him as long as I was working at the school. On the days I didn't work, he let me know that it was my job to volunteer in his class. Fortunately, his teacher had no problem with this. He now lives across the country and is a wonderful young father as well as a wonderful step-father to a little boy. It will all work out.
I hope that her life gets easier soon. As far as her being controlling, I would just not let her get control of the family. If she isn't working well with the parent who is available, remind her that whoever is there is the one to help her and if she doesn't want that help, she will have to do it on her own.
Your step-daughters are very fortunate to have you in their lives.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

Agree with the other responses. Depending on what school district you are in, she would be a great candidate for the Kidco program (chula vista, s.d.c.s.d, & la mesa spring valley) all have it. It is a school based intervention, where they use non-directive play techniques to help boost self esteem, social skills, and enhance the school experience - ask about it (and it is not "counseling" so it may go over better when selling it to the other parent). Also, have her choose several outfits at once and hang or place in a drawer, then she gets to pick from those each morning - gives her some control. Be sure bedtime on your time is consistent. She may need to go to bed earlier than the 8 year old. Wake up time needs to be earlier, so you have built in time for tantrums/defiance. Re: drop off, sometimes having someone else drop off, like you or if she can carpool with a friend eliminates those clingy drop offs. You can only control what happens at your house - don't waste energy on the other living situation. Remind the girls before they walk in the door, that they are home, and there are rules to follow once they step through that door. I am a huge fan of checklists. You can even make it fun by using dry erase marker on the mirrors - wipes right off. :0) Blessings to you and your family.

nice to hear a stepmom seeking help :) well with my son when he acts up i give him 2 choices..so that he doesn't think to demand he concentrates on his choices he's been offered..know what i mean? i would also give her lots of extra love right now and use humor..sometimes it's hard but i will sometimes scold my son ..then i mock myself and we both laugh..and he listens to me...he was not an easy one...he's only 3.5 but my friends are all saying.."whatever you're doing, keep doing it" he was such a wild child ..i've gotten him to calm down and listen by offering choices..being silly ..always explaining everything thoroughly, bonding w/ music..i'll out of nowhere take him to the toy store and tell him to pick out one thing..i will bribe him i will admit..i tell him if he lets me cut his nails i'll give him a candy..works! BUT..the most important thing is i make him feel super loved...maybe sit down w/ her and tell her she's one of your best friends and you love it when she comes over it makes you happy...tell her this a lot.
I tell my son he's my best friend all the time.
well good luck hope this helps

hugs

D.

Dear L.,

I really admire your willingness and drive to help your step-daughters. They are very lucky to have you. There are a number of issues to deal with here.

With regard to the stressful mornings, I strongly recommend sitting down and having an honest conversation with your step-daughter. "Honey, it seems that mornings are very stressful and upsetting. What can we do to make them better?" Get her to try to articulate and acknowledge what is making her upset (ex: She's afraid that you won't come back, she's afraid of being alone with strange kids, etc.) Maybe there is something she can have with her that she can use to remind herself that you are always there with her. Get her to brainstorm ideas and tell you what would be most comforting to her.

Ultimately, you can't punish or reward behavior to change. You need to get at the root of the problem. The only way to do that is to openly and honestly communicate. It's a more respectful and more effective way to improve children's behavior.

If I can be of further assistance, please feel free to contact me.
Be well,
G. B., M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Coach
www.GilaBrown.com

You have been given some wonderful advice. There is a book and also classes that are given "love and logic". They teach you how to give choices. Ex..When it comes to getting dressed you have 2 choices.. I can help or you can do it yourself. It is a firm but loving approach to raising children. Good luck to all of you. Be Blessed

Consistency is key and I think her behavior is asking for some. Perhaps you can have your hubby talk to his ex and see if the kids can be with you guys on school nights and with her on weekends. This is less "fun" time for you guys (no weekends) but it may be best for awhile to have her Sunday evenings thru drop-off at school Friday morning.

Get a routine for the night before and morning... waking up earlier than needed helps reduce the stress too.

Good luck!

L.,

When my daughter's father and I divorced it was very hard on her. She was stressed and gave me all kinds of trouble. And I was stressed and wasn't handling it very well. I got two pieces of advice that together made all the difference.

I quit argueing and fighting with her. When I yelled she won. When I had to discipline, it was "swift, silent and deadly". I gave her a warning and then if the behavior didn't change, I enforced the 'punishment" and that punishment was directly applied to the misbehavior. It only took a few times. Then she knew I meant what I said. The best example I can think of now is we were supposed to go to a party. She needed a bath but was refusing. I told her if she didn't, we would go over to the party, drop off the food I was bringing and leave. She got in the tub really fast.

The other part is that for every time you catch her being bad, catch her being good 4 times. I mean praise her. I appreciate your being ready on time this morning. Thank you for clearing your dishes. You finished your homework already, great!

It took both parts, but then it really didn't take long for her to turn around, and that also helped me be a better, easier mother. Remember that a child would rather have good attention than bad, but bad is better than none. Give her the good and she won't need the bad.

Hope this helps.

Totally agree with the counseling for her. This is SO much transition for a little person to be going through and that's just not easy to interpret at this age.

Also, what my friend does with her kids in a very similar situation is she and her EX have a get ready checklist for the kids. Every morning they have a checklist that they each have on a clipboard in their rooms. It's got things like brush teeth, comb hair, eat breakfast and get lunch ready for school...simple stuff that can be done at both houses. This keeps things consistent and allows the kids to work together as a team. They have one for afterschool too. Based on the checklists they get rewards/points at the end of the month. It's given them some structure to the chaos that is their morning and an incentive to get ready and do their homework too.

I know it's tough, but you're doing such a great job by seeing all this for the chaos that it is and trying to help make it better. If you can get the Mom on the same page it will help both girls in the future.

Good luck.

Hello L.. I have a great book called MY NEW SCHOOL that has helped toddlers and their parents throught this stressful milestone. Check it out. My website: www.watchmegrowkids.com. The book is printed with 8 different main characters. You buy the book that looks like your child and they see themselves enjoying all the aspects of their new school. If you are interested I will sign a copy for you. The book is $11 from me directly. My email is ____@____.com

Pam A

Best of luck