I am engaged to a man who is divorced with two young daughters. His ex wife has always been very immature and not completely mentally healthy (doctors have had her on several medications, so that is not just my opinion). She was a stay-at-home mom and did not have the money to continue paying for the house after the divorce so she found a nice apartment in a not-so-nice town about 20 minutes away. She still refuses to get a job and so she has been able to drive the girls to school in the district where they were always attending (aka where their dad lives now). If she ever does get a job, she will most likely not be able to drive the girls back and forth and it's not looking like we can get a bus to go to their apartment in the other town. Recently, she has been complaining about having to drive them back and forth (even though their father gives her gas money every week to do this). She is threatening taking them out of the better school district and enrolling them in hers. She is bitter and not very smart and has used the girls as pawns in the past also.
My fiance is a great father. It is not just my biased opinion. The girls eat junk food all the time with their mother, while their father makes them healthy meals. Their father never talks bad about their mother in front of them, while she talks bad about us around them. She has cussed him out in front of them, she has thrown things at his face in front of them. She refuses to get a job so the 3 of them are living off child support. Their father is always giving her extra money for things. Example: he gave her an extra $200 so she could afford to get the girls some good christmas gifts. He is a very sweet and non-confrontational guy and he loves his girls so so much! And so do I. Both our mothers are teachers and so we grew up knowing the importance of a good education and that is what we want for the girls. I also worry about the kinds of friends they will be making if they switch to the lesser school in the not-so-great town.
We are hoping their mother is just threatening pulling them out of the good school district while she is still able to drive them. However, when she ends up having to get a job, that will have to change. Is there something we could do legally to get physical custody? I've done some research and it seems like that is near impossible to do. So then I started thinking perhaps we could just convince her it is better for the girls' education and their lives if they moved in with us and were able to ride the bus to the good schools again. But with somebody as close-minded and bitter as she is, I don't know how to approach it. He wants to wait until it becomes an issue to address it, but I would like some advice and get a better understanding of our options.
Has anybody experienced this? What can we do? Thanks in advance for all feedback!
I completely understand there being fabulous teachers in districts with a bad reputation. I also understand how much effort it takes to really be a great teacher and I really respect those. I just hope they luck out and get teachers like you. My mom used to teach in the district the girls might be moving to, and my mom is one of those great teachers. But I also know there are many "average" teachers. It's also a much higher crime/violence district. So naturally I will worry, but somehow we will make it work.
Patty – She moved to this other town because it was much cheaper, but also because that is where her sister lives and she wanted to be close by. Even if she were to consider moving back to the neighborhood, I don’t know that I would be comfortable paying for part of her rent while she continues to not even look for a job. It is something to consider though.
Lynn and Susan – You are absolutely right. The decision will be handled by him, and I will only offer opinions in privacy. They have joint custody so the girls are allowed to go to his district, but it will be hard to figure out how to get them there. Both their father and I have great jobs and are stable. However, neither of us really want to take the girls from their mother as long as their mother makes good decisions for them. He and I have discussed the possibility of getting his newly retired mom to transport the girls to and from school and just pay HER for gas. Ahhh it’s frustrating!
I think there has been some confusion in my post. Neither their father nor I are pushing for custody. We haven’t even approached his ex with that idea. Right now he has been talking with her about the importance of school and calmly trying to solve the issue before it gets too extreme. I am simply looking into our options in case things don’t go as smoothly as we would like. The girls are crazy about her and I would never say anything bad about their mother around them. We rarely say rude things about her even amongst ourselves. I do not have respect for her as a woman (for good reason), and I am really trying to keep my respect for her as a mother, for their sake. She is not making it easy. I am not trying to step in and raise her children my way. The whole issue was brought up by their father, not me. And in the end, I WILL support whatever he decides to do. Once I am their stepmom, I do think I should be allowed to give my input on raising them. My fiancé welcomes this. He knows how much I care about his girls and I wouldn’t do anything out of spite that would negatively effect them.
The girls will probably change schools. That doesnt have to be a bad thing. Some of the best teachers are in the so called crummy districts. I would not try to control the ex..... she is dong the best she can with what she has. I wouldnt try to rip away her custody. As the girls age they will know what is really going on. Sounds like they have a great dad.
you are not going to convince the mom to do anything. From the sounds of it you have pushed the mom about as far as you are going to. She is not bitter because she wont give you custody of her kids she is a mom, would you hand over your kids to someone just so they could go to school? Give it up or find a compromise and hopefully the kids dont hear the way you talk about their mother- she is in fact their mother
I totally get what you're asking for here, and it's wonderful that you care about your soon-to-be stepdaughters so much!
I have noticed that moms here on mampedia get VERY sensitive when it comes to stepmoms and their issues. Moms who are NOT stepmoms, and NEVER HAVE BEEN stepmoms seem to get upset and angry that a stepmom might want to do something for their stepkids and always advise to step back because they are NOT YOUR KIDS.
I'm a stepmom, and I say that God put you in your stepdaughter's lives for a reason. Sometimes that involves stepping back, and sometimes it calls for stepping forward and pushing for what's right. If your stepdaughters fall in the wrong crowd at a bad school and their lives take a bad turn, well if you knew what the right thing to do was and you didn't do it then you're to blame as well.
It's totally right to allow your husband to do the speaking (and you don't mention doing it yourself, which is good) but he will need YOU to be strong for him and his girls.
I do advocate trying to keep the courts OUT of your personal situation. It's much better to work things out between families than to force the courts to choose one way or another. You don't know that they will side with you and even if they do, it causes resentment. As much as it sucks, it's a better route to show her that both of you are on HER side. Flatter her. Compliment her on what she's doing right. Show her you understand her situation and you'll be surprised at what she'll be willing to compromise on. Support your husband, and lead him down this route with his ex. That's your job. I would avoid trying to "convince" her of anything and just find out what issues she has. Talk to her. What does she need and want? You'll be surprised that what she needs could be solved by doing things your way!
That's what worked for us with my husband and his ex. We not only convinced her to let her daughter live here the majority of the time but we're homeschooling her. We thought she'd never agree to it but using the above tactics she did!
I'm pretty sure you're NOT talking to your stepdaughters about their mother. I could give anyone an earful about my SD's mom but I never talk to her about it. That's another sensitive point.
Just realize that some of the moms on here are NOT stepmoms and are extremely sensitive about the bio kid issue. They would not want a stepmom meddling in THEIR issues with THEIR kids. So try to understand why the flame you here! I just see that you care deeply about your stepdaughters and want to help do the right thing. You have a tough job, and hats off to you!
Good luck!
Try to put yourself in her shoes, as in you are the mother and your ex is now engaged (not married) to another woman.
This other woman, who has no legal right to parenting your children, is stepping on the scene and planning on dictating how YOUR children's lives should be conducted. How would you feel about this?
This is a matter for your future husband and his ex-wife/co-parent to determine; not you. If he is so worried about this then he needs to take the initiative and set things in motion so that a switch can be made. Right now, you're legally just a roommate and have no say in what goes on here. The best thing to do is support your (not yet) husband with the decision that he makes about his children.
I do not think that not turning over custody of her children to you makes her closed minded and bitter, they are her kids. Would just hand your kids over? Just give them away? because you could not afford a fancy house in a fancy school district? It sounds to me like she has reason to be leary of your intentions towards her, the way you talk about her it is obvious that you have no respect for her as a mother or a woman. You could go after custody, but it will be hard, as it should be!! You should not be able to take a woman's kids away just because you think you have a better house!! If the girls do end up going to school in the other district, they will adjust, and I am sure they will still succeed.
I think your situation is a lot like one on here a few weeks ago. Not with the girls and school, but with you and the ex-wife.
Just like the wife and Mother in Law situation, I am going to advise no discussion with you or "we" and ex-wife. Discussion of the girls and their school have to be between the 2 of them.
Or she is going to sink her teeth in and really fight just to defend herself against you.
Fiance is going to have to handle it / talk to her and it sounds like he thinks it needs to wait and "not add more fuel to her fire." Sounds like she gets fired up pretty quickly and he knows this.
She is unemployed and on medication (or has been) so isn't there shared custody? If you all are employed and stable, and it can be proven he is a good father, why would seeking custody be a huge battle? He would have to check into it though, not you.
You're going to have to take your husband's lead on this one...his girls. Not to say you can't give him good opinions and information. Continue to be an advocate for the girls and never make it about the ex....just for the best interest of the girls.
Can you or hubby (or other relative) transport the children?
He can always go file for custody. You don't say what the current arrangement is but he could file for sole or joint custody. If he were to get sole then the kids would go to the school in your district. If he were to get joint, it can be decided which they would go to. My BIL has it stipulated as to which district his daughter has to stay in (it was a big deal when they were together so when the mom wanted to move out of that district it was only allowable if she continued to transport to the current district...it is ordered that way now so they are both bound by it).
Another option would be to leave custody and visitation as is but have your husband listed as the decision maker for schooling and health issues.
Also, since she is threatening to change schools maybe they should have a talk. He should tell her that he wants to know what her intent is. Let her know how strongly he feels about the school issue and tell her that if she is seriously considering switching school then he will file for custody and see if they can bargain their way to "I determine schooling and you maintain custody".
And on a side note, the "not so great school" probably has other children that are there due to circumstances beyond their control too and may be very nice kids for your stepdaughters to be friends with.
**added** I agree you should have input but as a stepmom, you have to be careful how that input is given to avoid the bio-mom being overly sensitive or dad feeling you are being too hard. I am not a step-mom but my son has a stepmom and a stepdad and I do agree that step-parents should have some input...my husband always did and for some things his stepmom did (I had to specifically ask though because his dad was not very hands on so without my request, I had no input from either of them).
I would dangle a carrot for her. Make it worth HER while. From what you described she isn't that interested in what is best for the girls. Probably is a little bit of a narcissist. Would you and your fiance be willing to pay a portion towards rent each month if she moved back into the neighborhood?
I doubt there's much you can do about the school issue, but take heart. I'm a teacher, and I'd like to believe I'm a good teacher, in a not so great school district. I teach with an entire faculty of great teachers. I would say that our students get a education that rivals that of neighboring districts that are said to be "better" schools. In my experience, it's not about the district - it's about the teachers and admin at an individual school. My advice would be for your and your fiance to continue being as invovled as possible in the girls' lives, stay in contact with whatever school the girls attend, and continue to be the voice of calm and reason in their lives. I have two teenage nephews who went through what the girls are going through now. I can tell you from personal experience - what you and your fiance are doing will pay off in the long run, despite the heartbreak of the moment.
I am a StepMom and education is something we battled about too...I understand your feelings completely!
I am sorry to say, there is probably nothing you guys can do about it if the mom doesn't want it done.
~Education was very important in my childhood and we came home and did our homework everyday...my SS's come home and have had no one to help instill good work habits in them...consequently both of the boys are smart kids but never turn in their work...from day 1 of K the Mom looked at us right in the face and said "it's not my responsibility to make sure they get their work done, it's theirs"?? While I understand that point of view if we are talking about older kids but to say that from the very start? Are you kidding me? How are they supposed to learn good work habits when no one is there helping them and setting them for when they are just starting out? The Ex would go to parent teacher conference and get a talking to by the teachers and she would tell them the same thing...it's not her job, it's the kids and the teachers job, not hers! What do you do with someone like that???
The oldest came to live with us the summer before his senior year in High School and boy oh boy, that was a chore getting him graduated...almost didn't happen, as it was he got to walk at graduation but didn't get his actual diploma until months later because he was missing so many credits he had to make up.
I am sorry I have no advice to give you...just thought I would let you know I feel your pain! You are experiencing one of the hardest parts of being the Stepmom...you get all the worry, without any of the ability to actually change the situations? Sucks.
