How Can I Make My Husband Understand My Point of View

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Don't justify it, simply get even. As soon as he gets back, book a trip with one of your best friends using your remaining money and leave it to him to fend for himself with the kids. A trip away together isn't going to make his total disregard for you better- a swift kick in the arse will.

Put on your big girl panties and deal with it! Take him up on your offer but ask HIM what he suggests you and he do with the kids.

If he cannot make THOSE arrangements simply explain this: You made US a promise first that we would take an anniversary trip. I am ok with you taking a FEW days for this other thing, but OUR marriage needs for us to have time away together as a couple. Sorry guy, a dinner is not cutting it after I have been alone with the kids for 4 days. Hmm maybe I will drop the keys with YOU as I board a plane to take a "Mini Vacation".

Your husband should have declined the offer to be in the wedding when he found out the wedding was on your anniversary weekend. I would be pissed. To me, that is major. ESP since you are not on good terms with the friend (so he knows you wouldn't go), you guys are short on money AND you already had tentative plans to go away together!

Well, I know it stinks when plans fall through. Story of a moms life, right?

BUT, I kind of like the idea of combining the wedding with a mini-anniversary long weekend and, what the heck--rent a car.

If you'd really rather NOT go to the wedding, just plan something for down the road a bit. You don't have to do the anniversary celebration ON the actual day, right?

Also, if the extra days are really going to blow the budget significantly, I think he should stick with the Fri-Sun plan. Only you two know what you can & can't afford.

I would be pissed off totally. I would be so mad I'd yell at him "You get a mini vacation for our anniversary and "I" get stuck with the kids by myself for a week?" "I want my half of the vacation money in cash".

He is not thinking of you, he is thinking of himself and the fun of getting away. I'd say that you should tell him that the next weekend after the wedding is yours and that he can handle the kids for the weekend by himself because you are going on a mini vacation for your anniversary too.

Under the circumstances, I'm not sure why you both didn't agree that he should have declined the invitation. The priorities seem to be out of order here. You two had plans. You should come before any obligation he may feel to his friend's brother. You both have the bills to pay. I don't think that it is fair or considerate for him to be using anniversary money to go on a mini-vacation by himself. You both have kids. They are a shared responsibility. The strain this situation is causing isn't worth it financially or emotionally. It is an honor that he was asked. He needs to tell his friend's brother that after careful consideration he honestly can't make it. It doesn't sound like the two of you are on the same wavelength. You both need to communicate with each other and find the solution together. You have got to be open and honest with each other. You both have to listen to each other. Make sure that you hear each other. I think that if he goes there will be resentment even though you say you don't mind him going. I don't think that you should put the celebration of your marriage on hold indefinitely. Your relationship needs the time and attention. The two of you need to be together on your anniversary without the stress of spending money you can't afford to be somewhere you don't really want to be doing something that you don't really want to be doing. You have to talk to each other, think about this logically, share your points of view and come to an understanding that will lead the both of you to the conclusion that truly works for both of you. Best wishes:)

You and your husband (and kids) are a package deal. If I were you, I would make it my business to attend the wedding (surely you were invited, too?). I would feel very very uncomfortable with the idea of my husband going alone (never mind the fact that it's your anniversary). Your husband was the one who suggested you go with him - why not take him up on it? Sure, it's not the ideal anniversary your envisioned, but at least you will be together, and your presence will be making a statement that you are a family unit. I think this is part of the give-and-take of marriage - sometimes things do not always work out as planned and you have to be flexible. He has made a commitment to be in the wedding, so now you need to figure out how you can make the best of the situation so you're not sitting around at home or in a hotel, miserable.

I really don't get... WHY your Husband is in his friend's Brother's Wedding.
Um, that does not make sense.
And, WHY does he even have to be in the brother's wedding anyway?
It is weird.

And, well this brother's wedding seems more important to your Husband... than your own wedding anniversary... and he is being gone... for your wedding anniversary... too.

He does understand... he is just choosing.... not to, be, respectful... of you.
He is not that dense.
He is putting HIMSELF... first... and putting his "friend" first, too.

I really do not see why he has to be in his friend's brother's wedding.... unless they all grew up together and have known each other for a LONG time.....

I think your Husband is being a royal Jerk.
He knows it.
So, I would... get yourself a babysitter if you can... or a family member or dear Friend to watch your kids... while your Husband is gone... and do YOUR OWN thing... with your Girlfriends, or whomever is your best friends... and their Brothers.

all the best,
Susan

What I've learned from my husband is that if you dont tell him what you are thinking and why you are mad, he will never figure it out on his own. You need to explain that this is hurting your feelings that he wants to take a vacation, away from you, on your anniversary weekend. Surely he'll understand?

His going to this wedding seems wrong for so many reasons I don't know where to begin. First, why is he making such a big deal about going to the wedding of a friend's brother? Are they longtime family friends? Second, while I believe in men and women being friends, they should never be out of town alone together for a weekend. It is not appropriate and disrespectful to your marriage. Next, it is your anniversary and you had plans. That trumps anything except your children, illnesss, or death of someone close. Lastly, you have some debt that needs to be paid, so an out of town trip is out of the question in my opinion. Your husband needs to get his priorities straight and take you out for a nice dinner and maybe spend the night in a nice hotel. I hope you let your husband read the responses here on Mamasource. While I don't agree with them all, I think it might open his eyes. Good luck to you!

I don't understand why you think its inappropriate for you to attend? You are his WIFE not some bimbo on the streeet? You are the mother of HIS children not some surrogate. I think you have degraded yourself because of what this friend thinks of you. If they invited your husband then they should have known it was a "package" deal or perhaps they knew you wouldn't come because of them. I say if you think you can afford to and you think you can go without being miserable around this other person I would go-you are his wife hello? I don't believe its appropriate for him to be hanging out with "her" the entire weekend no matter what the basis of the relationship is.....a man and a woman hanging out with one another for the weekend ....hmmm its just not a good position to put yourself into no matter how solid the relationship is, no matter how solid the trust is, nope it wouldn't happen in my book. Don't allow them to control what is best for your family and what you and your hubby want to do for your anniversary. Hell stick her butt with the kids while you and hubby take a moment to go out for lunch or dinner at some point....lol!!!!

I am sorry to say, but it sounds like your husband is having an affair with his female friend (or wants to, and this trip will make it happen). What bothers me the most about your post is that your husband has a female friend. It is very inappropriate for married people to have opposite-sex friends! That is just asking for divorce papers, in my opinion. He should definately NOT be in his female friend's brother's wedding! Is he even friends with her brother? This is crazy. Forget your anniversary trip, forget about getting a sitter (even if it's just for dinner), and your husband definately needs to forget about going to this wedding (don't let him go)! Instead, save your money for marriage counseling. It doesn't seem like you have much of a marriage to celebrate, and I think your husband would agree with me, unfortunately. He must know that it is NOT okay to 1) have opposite-sex friends and 2) to ditch your anniversary weekend to see this chick at her brother's wedding!!!!! I am so sorry this is happening to you. Best of luck and find a good therapist!

I don't think your husbands having an affair, but he might be minimalizing your feelings because of the way you feel about this person. He might assume all of your anger is related to that and figure he can't change how you feel so is disregarding the feelings you have about your anniversary. It's not right, but if I had to guess that would be it.

I know an anniversary is an anniversary for a reason, but what if you planned something really nice with him before he laeves, like the previous weekend? Then you could rain-check the real celebration for after you welcome him home?

I haven't read more than one other response, but this is my initial thought for what it's worth:)

****Ok, I've read the other responses now and while my heart sides with you, I stick with my origional thoughts. Best wishes:)

I think I can say this because I'm so much the same way, but as an outsider looking in, here's what I see. #1, it would have angered me too that he said he was trying to get a mini vacation in knowing we were planning a trip together that same weekend. I think that was a mistake on his part. However, everything else comes down to choices. You can go with him, have a mini vacation, rent a car and not have to deal with this person you don't care for. Yes, it's more money, but that is a choice. That would allow you and hubby a mini vacation. That being said, if you can't find a sitter, then that isn't even an option. Next choice is for hubby to make the trip a quick in and out so you can still have the day Sunday to spend time together. To me, this is the most logical choice based on the inability to get a sitter and the cost saved by you not flying up there and renting a car. Tux fittings can generally be done through a partner store where you live. Meaning if you contact the tux place, they probably have some tux store in your area where hubby can go get measured before he gets up there. He is not the only person on the planet that is an out of town attendant in the wedding, so that is no excuse for him to go up early. I think the best way to explain to hubby is to just be honest and try not to get overly emotional when you speak to him. Tell him you've thought about it and if you could find a sitter, you'd be glad to go with him and make this your anniversary trip, however that doesn't look like it's a possiblity. So, you'd really appreciate him not taking a vacation without you and if he'd go up on Friday and home on Sunday, you'd be able to have Sunday afternoon as your anniversary celebration and maybe you can plan a trip next year when you've gotten your finances a little more under control. Tell him that no one is going to celebrate your anniversary except the 2 of you (it's not like it's a major holiday!), but it is something that should be important to both of you and something that is worth celebrating in some fashion. Hopefully he'll see how annoying it is for him to say he's going to forgo his vacation with you for this wedding and then make this a vacation for him alone!

I am confused as well...why is the husband in this wedding? I am guessing the whole family is a friend of his, but he is buds with the female?? I understand this, as I have friends that I are brother & sister and if she were getting married, he would have not problem driving me around. However, if my husband disliked him, I would never travel and leave the hubs behind while this guy drove me around. We are married 14 years and I wouldn't have done this 7 years ago either.

As for the anniversary date. Do you celebrate on the day every year? It is not so important to us. Sometimes we celebrate and sometimes we don't. This year we purchased Ozzy tickets and then I shouted out Happy Anniversary, so we called it our anniversary present.

I'm confused as to why your husband is in his friend's brother's wedding. Is he the groom's friend too? If it was a family wedding, then spending a few more days would be okay, but otherwise a quick weekend is more appropriate! And, it is your anniversary weekend. What is he going to do on the extra days? Sounds weird, sorry!

Well... I assume his friend is probably a longtime friend, someone he knew before he met you... Perhaps a close childhood friend, and he is probably also close to her brother since his brother asked him to be in his wedding. After all, the friend didn't ask him to be in her brother's wedding.

I doubt they are having an affair. I do think, however, that the idea to get a few days away from the kids is inviting. I also assume there are some groom and groomsmen pre-wedding plans (perhaps some golf planned? A bachelor party?) which would make sense for him to fly up early (travel day on W, get tux/fitting, etc. on Th, and groom's day event on Friday afternoon and rehearsal dinner that night-?).

Wedding is probably Saturday with the reception party into the wee hours... Which would make waking up super early (and a little hungover) on Sunday and rushing to return the tux and catch a flight less than appealing... Not to mention trying to celebrate your anniversary while feeling exhausted even more unappealing.

Honestly, I would rather celebrate my anniversary the next weekend than try and get my travel weary, wedding party hung-over husband to focus on me and 'our time'. Because that is a recipe (for me) to be utterly disappointed on our anniversary.

Sorry to say it sister, but it sounds like you're over-reacting. Perhaps deep down you want him to make you and your anniversary a higher priority than his commitment to be in this wedding? But he's already made the committment to be in the wedding. So, let it go; plan to celebrate the anniversary before or after the wedding... Or figure out a way for the kids to stay with friends and spend the $ to be with him that weekend.

I hate people who think it is an honor to be in their wedding and expect the expense of it should hang on the person they chose. In our family, the answer would have been flat out NO! We don't have that in our budget for someone else's special day!

Also, if you pay the bills, you make the travel arrangements. Flies up Friday morning or night... he can get measured here and someone else can pick up the tux there, possibly the 'woman' who will be carting him around. Flies out after the wedding.... If that puts him in at midnight on Saturday night... so be it! I'm being a bit mean, but he's taking advantage of you and your trust. There is a line and no matter how strong a relationship is, weddings and alcohol with an 'old female friend' is by no means innocent or appropriate.

Good luck! So sorry you are having these issues.

This is just one more reason I loath weddings. They place way too much expense and pressure on everyone involved----and there's less than a 50% chance the couple getting married will even be together in a few short years!
If hubby isn't actually sitting down and paying the bills so HE can see what this is doing to your budget, you need to do that. Too many years I was the one paying all the bills, talking, talking, talking trying to get my hubby to realize we DIDN'T have the money for stuff, and my words fell on deaf ears! Finally, we went to counseling and the counselor suggested HE take over paying the bills. It didn't take but 2 weeks for him to see he was the biggest offender. Things finally changed. I believe there is way more going on in your marriage than merely the conflict over this wedding. Sometimes a conflict is the tip of the iceberg sticking up out of the water. Like other respondents, I feel if he goes, you must also go, but I am sure the groom can find another attendant close by and spare you the expense!!! He's not a bridesmaid!!!

I agree that telling him exactly how you feel and why is the best thing to do. I would tell him that you are going to explain your feelings and would appreciate if you weren't interrupted while doing so. As soon as you're done saying what you need to say, he can talk as much as he wants but you just want to get it all out on the table and then you both can decide on what the best solution is by weighing the pros and cons together. Good luck!

N. Hodgins
Helping Moms Work From Home
www.MyFamilyFirstCareer.com

This is combination of your feelings and facts emeshed in a way females relate to but males can't for the life of them figure out. Just the facts, mam. Two columns, one for benefits and one for damages. Your marriage is on the damaged side. His mini vacation, upside for him, damage for you. Laying it out clearly, you have a chance of him understanding but you never know what his choices will be, you just know he understands the consequences.