A very dear friend of mine is getting married in May in California (we are in Chicago). It is the weekend of my 40th bday which happens to fall on Mother's Day this year. I found us a lovely condo to rent for the weekend, and am really looking forward to getting away with hubby without the kids!
However, whenever I think about not being here on Mother's day, I get teary. The kids won't be small for long, and I am sure as they get older they just won't care about Mother's Day. My oldest is 4, an age that just loves celebrating things. She keeps telling me I can't go. This isn't making it any easier.
I would love to see my friend get married, but in all honesty, I think marriage ceremonies are the low point of good marriages, so I don't really care if I attend them. I know my friend will understand. She didn't attend our wedding, so it's not like she can hang this one over my head --though she is being a bit of a bridezilla!
If we didn't go, hubby and I would just go away some place else another weekend, so I would still get my holiday! And I would save 1k!
I would just hate to go and then be sad because I wasn't with my kids on Mother's day. I don't like living life with regrets, so what do you suppose I will regret more? Missing my friend's wedding or missing my kids?
I should also add that I don't think this marriage will last. She always wanted kids, he had a vasectomy at 28. He is also just a big kid: a 40 year old waiting for his rich parents to die, he has no retirement, no house, a fun life with no responsibilities, and for their gift registry, they are asking for money for their honeymoon. It's all about immediate pleasure and living in the moment. I hope I am wrong, he is a nice guy, but I think this relationship is a big mistake. So I have very little excitement about this big life event for her.
She is also asking me to attend events every day we are there, so even if we go, I will have to lay down the law that we will only be attending the wedding ceremony and reception. I want a holiday with hubby. I told her no when she wanted me to stand up for her, so I don't' see why I have to attend all of the bridesmaid's events!
Once I started pricing the trip, I told hubby I didn't want to go. I figure it will cost about $1500 all in for a long weekend --a totally ridiculous amount of money to spend! Hubby told me point blank," you said we were going, so we are going." Now, after booking the condo, he is telling me that if I don't want to go, we don't have to.
I will of course have a great time if we go, and be in the right mental space for it, but there are just so many reason for not going. $1500 is a hell of a lot of money for a long weekend! But if we do go, I will not attend all of the little events. We will go and have ourselves a nice holiday.
To Sarah E. I would have no problem if my friend read this. In fact, I have always been very honest with her about lots of things, and she knows that I think her current relationship isn't a good one.
My problem with me being included in all the events is that MY HUSBAND is NOT. WE are going to her wedding, not just me. My friend and her fiance don't do the couple thing like we do. They do the independent life thing, and then the couple thing. In fact, what started this whole second thought process off was my friend and I having a tense moment over the rehearsal dinner. When she asked if we were going to attend, I said "i have to discuss it with my hubby." She then said, in a snotty voice, "what do YOU want to do." I just said, like I said, I have to discuss it with hubby." When I thought about what I want to do, I feel, deep down, that I don't want to go to her wedding and spending all that money.
You could celebrate Mother's Day the weekend before or the weekend after. Kids accept things like that. My son's birthday celebration at school is NEVER on his birthday (December 25) and he has no problem with it. So you really can do both.
From the sounds of it, you would be stressed traveling that far for a short stay and spending that much money and missing the kids and feeling ambivalent about the marriage to begin with and slightly annoyed with Bridzilla. It has DISASTER written all over it and sounds like it would be no fun at all.
Don't go to the wedding, have a fun day with hubbie and celebrate Mom's day with the kids and RELAX.
I sure hope your 'friend' does not read this.
She might be asking you to attend all the events make sure you feel included after traveling so far. You sound very important to her.
Don't go. You might have one too many drinks and say one of the things above to someone who likes her and it could get back to her.
Im getting from your post that you really don't want to go to the wedding.
What I would do is book your weekend somewhere else where you can celebrate your birthday with your husband just the two of you. Leave on Friday and come home early Sunday morning and celebrate Mothers Day with your children.
That way your getting your cake and eating it too! It just wont be wedding cake :) Then plan on a trip out to see your friend some other time when you can spend some one on one time with her and it sounds like it would be way less stressful trip if it wasn't around the wedding.
J.:
You have a lot going on in this post.
You are judging your friend and her choices. Fine. Did you tell her about your feelings?
She asked you to stand up for her - you refused. So why are you even bothering to go to the wedding and drop $1K on a condo. Sorry - I can't even fathom spending $1K on a condo for a weekend. Even if that did include air fare - that's still a chunk of money for a weekend.
She wants to include you in events prior to the wedding - you don't want to attend them. You don't want to go. Don't go. You will whine and moan the whole time you are there. So find something else to do to celebrate your 40th birthday (happy birthday - early - by the way).
I was away from my kids for Mother's Day in 2006. We were in Mexico. It was fine. My boys are now 9 & 11.
Stop making excuses about being away from the kids. Be honest with her. You don't think she's making a wise choice for herself and you can't support it. It's that simple.
I'm not sure why the Mother's Day is such a big deal. Just because it's marked on a specific day on the calendar doesn't mean you can't still celebrate another day. It still has the same meaning. Due to my husband's work schedule, we celebrate most holidays on alternate days, even Christmas. The specific day isn't important, it's celebrating the event that's important.
If you want to go to the wedding, then go. If you don't want to go, then don't. And as far as attending all of the other events, you don't have to go, but I would be grateful my friend was thoughtful enough to want to include me. Most brides include close friends who live out of town in these type of events so they can spend more time together, instead of just saying a quick hi at the reception. But, you don't HAVE to attend the extra stuff. Just tell her you and hubby are glad to see her at the wedding and reception, but will be unavailable for other events that weekend. Then go celebrate your birthday!
You're already regretting the weekend and it's still a month away.
Only you can make the decision to go or not, but that is a lot of money to waste on a weekend you are already psyching yourself up to be miserable.
If you go you need to put on your happy face and make the best of it.
If you stay home, you can have a nice afternoon with your kids and hubby can take you out somewhere for your birthday.
Well, your oldest is 4 and she doesn't know about the calendar and how Mother's Day is on a specific date. Tell your children that Mother's Day is the next weekend - how you will be rushing back so you can make sure to spend that fun and important day together - and have a great time on that day like you would have on actual Mother's Day.
You can have it all in this case. I'd go for it.
Based on what you said, I'd stay at home and enjoy Mother's Day.
FYI: Your kids learn from you. We always made a big deal of Mother's Day. Our kids still do. Your kid learn from you. If you want to have your kids treat you well when they are grown up and gone, treat your mom and dad and your MIL and FIL well now that you are grown up and gone.
If you want your kids to come over and bring your grandkids on a regular basis, then make a big deal out of taking them over to see their grand parents.
My wife and I have celebrated our anniversary every month on the 28th of the month since we were married. We each try and wish the other "Happy Anniversary" first. (We were married on the 28th of July.) We set the example. 6 of our 8 kids got married on the 28th of the month and most have kept up with the "Happy Anniversary" tradition.
Good luck to you and yours.
I would go, but then again I like to do my own thing on Mother's Day because I'm with my kids constantly anyway. I never have the chance to get away for a weekend with my husband any more, so if that chance presented itself, I would take it! ESPECIALLY for my 40th birthday -which was the last time (over 2 years ago) that my husband and I were able to go away together without kids for a weekend. We forced my dad and my MIL to each take one, but that's dicey business with my dad and a small child!
If you're really into Mother's Day and you absolutely want to see your kids for it, then stay. I was going to suggest you just celebrate it the next weekend (that's what we did last year), but maybe you had rather celebrate your birthday and go out of town the next weekend. It doesn't sound like the wedding really means that much to you or is a wedding that it's terribly important for you to attend.
wow, lots of mental conflicts here!
if this were a straightforward issue about mother's day it would be simple. mother's day can easily, easily be moved. so can birthday celebrations. it's silly to think you'll 'miss' it by doing either or both celebrations the week before or week after. your 4 year old can have this explained to her in very simple terms, and she's far too young to be the one who makes these decisions.
either way it sounds as if you want some time alone with hubby, which is wonderful and i hope you do it. and that means you're already okay with leaving the kids, right? healthy for everyone and just fine, but it does clearly indicate that your ambivalence about the wedding has nothing to do with when you celebrate your stuff.
you're already talking yourself out of going to your 'very dear friend's wedding, and also raining on her parade. since you feel so negative about it, i definitely think you should skip it. i'd be pretty bummed if a 'very dear friend' brought that sort of energy to my wedding celebration. it's not up to her to give you a holiday with your hubby. like any bride, she's focused on her big day, and so she should be. if you can't join her in that, by all means decline politely and do your own thing.
khairete
S.
My gosh...girl!!!! Just go and have a ball......California....what I wouldn't do to go there!!!! There will be many more Mothers' Days...but no more 40th birthdays...the kids will be fine...don't be a wos!!! Plus your "very dear friend" is getting married.
The way I see it is, it isn't really about the wedding or the marriage. Going to the wedding shouldn't depend on how long you think the marriage will last either.
If the wedding was just on your birthday weekend, I would say go for it if you are comfortable leaving your kids. With it falling on Mother's Day weekend, I am more inclined to say "stay home" or "take the kids w/ you". Unless you would be home at a reasonable time on Mother's Day so you can still have dinner with the kids.
What I'm getting overall from reading your post, is that you'd rather do a night away with husband, then be home with your kids for Mother's Day.
(Who asks for $ for a honeymoon for a "registry"? Tacky!)
I'd send a gift and card, plan a night away more locally with my husband & plan a nice Mother's Day with the family.
Now, she's already under the impression that you're going--so you need to QUICKLY be up-front NOW about it--tell her "Sorry, we just can't swing the trip right now. I'll be thin king of you on that day & sending my love." and leave it at that. No mention (obviously) of the b-day/Mother's Day plans to her!
I think in your heart you know what to do, but maybe are afraid to do it. Your kids are more important than any wedding and they are still young enough that that need you. Always stand as one with your husband as it lends to a strong marriage. Friends may come and go, but family is forever.
I wouldn't worry about the mother's day part. You can easily tell a 4 year old that we're celebrating on x day and he/ she won't know the difference. At this age you could pretend it really is mother's day. A kid will never ever remember and it won't matter. It's hard to believe but when your kids are older you'll see. So I'd just take that out of the equation and then make your decision. Will there be lots of old friends there? If so, what a great combo of that and husband time. If you don't go, I'd tell your friend it's too much money or no childcare available. If you say bc it's mothers day, I don't think she'll understand though same time, I'd never have planned my wedding that weekend... I cant believe you think weddings are the low point of marriages though! I love them and they always make my husband and I think of ours and the vows we made etc and it is a nice moment.
I haven't read your prior responses so sorry if this is a duplicate. I'm divorced and remarried. Thanks to wonderful shared parenting time, every other holiday our ex's have our kids. So we have learned to celebrate on the weekends we have them, not necessarily on the exact day of the holiday. This works for every holiday except Halloween and July 4th. Santa, Easter Bunny, etc have all been known to visit our houses early! Lol. So celebrate MD before you leave or when you get back. It doesn't have to be celebrated on the exact day. Good luck and have fun in CA! =)
It sort of sounds like you've already decided, but maybe need permission to go with your instincts?? Don't feel bad about not going. Just be honest with your friend that you prefer to spend mother's day with your family and you want to be home as well as save money.
Great birthday by the way! Mine is May 13th too. Happy Mother's/Birthday!
Needless to say, I would stay home. It doesn't sound like a holiday at all anyways. One whole day will be wedding stuff. Just stay home or take part of your $1500 and go stay in a hotel around home with your kids or something. It would be super fun, you guys can eat out, swim, play and have a great Mother's Day as a family. I have always thought mother's should hang with their kids on Mother's Day anyways, isn't that the point?
