My husband's brother is getting married in two weeks out of state. My sons, age 3 and 15 months, are in the wedding. We just found out today that the reception is adults only.
MY RESPONSE: I think it a bit insensitive for them to have not told you this before they planned to use your children in the wedding. HOWEVER, the wedding day is really FOR THE BRIDE - IT IS HER DAY, and unfortunately, sometimes what she wants may not be to the liking of others. Also, a reception is more for the adults to party and enjoy themselves. It's really not an atmosphere for children as young as yours, who will most likely get very tired and cranky. Your 15 month old will be there with the three year old. The youngest may cry for a time, but he/she will want to get involved with what all the other little people are doing, and there's nothing wrong with your three year old being a little shy.
Keep in mind it may not be her, some venues don't allow children to attend if liquor is being served. Someone sits a cup down, a child drinks out of it and get's alcohol poisoning, and the venue loses it's license, and they may have just told her this. Maybe in the beginning she wasn't having alcohol, and then later decided she wanted it, that eliminates the children.
I would not start using the children not wanting to stay with someone else, as a reason for you all not to go out TOGETHER. I'd ask to meet those caring for the children and see what they have planned, and how many adults will babysitting, and how many children are expected. There should be 1 adult per every 3 children under 8 years of age. If you are comfortable with them and their plan, you could possibly run across the street and just check on them after 45 minutes, by this time, they may have passed out, as it will be time for a nap anyway, or close to bedtime. But either you go together, or you stay together as a family.
I remember planning my wedding, if someone hadn't stood up, one my mother best friends to orchestrate the reception and the flow, it would not have happened as I had not thought of it, and I'd only been to two weddings - one when I was about 6 and served as a flower girl and my own. Our budget was limited, and the coordinator, I hired never mentioned the idea of her being on site to make sure my wedding ran smooth, and I didn't even think of it. I know my mother's friend was appalled, when she saw there was no one orchestrating the wedding and that is when she step in - THANK GOD - and ran the show! I say all this, as this young bride has had so much to think about, I'm sure, as important of a detail this is, she did not think about it until later.
As far as your son, not staying with anyone, he will, and now might be a good time to start him, unless you are planning to homeschool him. If there are other children there, once you are gone, he may cry a bit, but believe it or not, and as much as you may not want to believe it, he'll forget about you, and join in the fun! That way you all can sneak off for an hour or two, and then leave. I've found that many times it's the parents that more anxiety about leaving their children and belabor the separation, because we can't stand to walk away from our crying children - I've got five children - I know! :)
I hope you don't ask for any special favors from the bride, OR GROOM i.e., especially from the groom, that would be like you telling your kids "no candy" and then they ask their dad, and he says yes. You'll only cause friction for amongst the four of you. Please don't ask her to make any special considerations because she asked your children to be in the wedding. Again, while she should have told you this early on, I wouldn't make a big deal about it. Perhaps ask Mom to go with you, or you can tell her you can't make it, because your children will only stay with certain people. At this point neither of you would be considered very considerate, her for telling you at the last minute; you withdrawing the children and/or not showing up with them, or bringing them to the reception anyway. Besides, you can't really engage in the festivities with two little ones at an adult event. Leave the children with the children, and you and your hubby, GO AND ENJOY EACH OTHER, DANCE LAUGH, AND MAKE THE NIGHT ABOUT YOU AND HUBBY! HAVE FUN!
Babysitting will be provided for all the children in a hotel across the street. We are not staying at the hotel, we are staying 30 minutes away from the reception site. My problem is that my 15 month old will not stay with anyone besides my mother. He screams anytime I leave him and doesn't stop until I come back. My three year old is also shy around strangers. I worry about leaving both of them with a stranger in a unfamiliar location, especially one that is not childproofed or set up for children. How have others dealt with this type of situation.