How Can I Persuade My Husband to Have the 3Rd Kid?

I wouldn't have another child if finances are already tight. Wait a year and see if one of you gets a better job or something that could help him feel like another child would be more affordable.

When a couple decides to have another child, both partners need to be completely on board. If your husband is very much against having another child at this point, you really should let it go. Maybe come back to it in a year or two as maybe your financial situation has changed.

In addition, the decision to have another child based on an emotionally driven fear of loosing one child is not a good idea. That not only puts a lot of pressure on the third child, but just feeds your fear of loosing one of your own. None of us wants to loose a child. It would be devastating for anyone. But we can not walk around in fear every day planning for every eventuality. We have live our lives the best we can and walk in faith and confidence.

Adding more children to a family should be a decision that is out of love and the pure desire to add to your family. No other reason.

Your husband makes valid points. In the beginning adding another child would mean more outlay of money. Diapers, babyfood, and formula (if you formula feed. It is important for a husband to feel he can adequately provide for his family. If your husband feels very strongly that he will not be able to do this, then you need to respect his decision at this point. Again, address it in a year or two and reevaluate your situation.

Good luck.

Z.,

Although I do agree with a lot of the moms... you shouldn't be having a "back up child". I lot my 9 yr old brother when I was 13... the not dealing with his lose and my emotions from this landed me in the hospital when I was 15 for depression. My mom did want another child, but was unable to have one... although another child may help you feel better it will never replace the one lost. (She had 4 kids)

I do have a large family... I'm expecting #5 in July. Finances should play some of a role in desiding to have another child or not. Altough most expences shouldn't chage some of them will... some that shouldn't change are house payment (unless you choose to get a bigger house), electric, gas, phone, internet, cable, car payments (unless you need a bigger car), and insurances. But a few will change water bill (avg is about $10-15 a mo per person), diapers (about $10-15 a week - but if you wait till your 2 yr old is potty trained then you'll never notice this one), food bill (formula cost a lot - I breastfeed) although this one shouldn't be too bad if you usually have leftovers like our house does, and clothing the little one (unless you use hand me downs or go to 2nd hand stores).

Education funds might be a concern... although help is out there for kids going to school. Grants, scholorships, internships & other means to pay for college... some of which kids can start getting very young if they have good grades and have interest outside schools (which is anything from taking pictures to reading to someone in a nursing home to playing and insterment or singing).

But all and all... as a couple you need to make the best desition for both of you. Maybe he just isn't ready right now. Or if you really want another little one now, maybe it's time for you to do some research and find a way to calm his finacial fears & show him that his concerns are valid, but this is the ways around changing your life style to have another child.

I wish you luck!

Hi Z.,

My friend, a mom of 6, says that the increase in food budget for another child is "one chicken leg" per dinner. Of course that was before her boys became teens! throw in more veggies and water for the soup, that sort of thing.

You could try pointing out ways that a 3rd won't cost as much as the first two---such as, you can save the clothes of the older ones for the new one, new one can share a bedroom with an older one, you can breastfeed to cut down on formula costs (especially if you fed your first two on formula).

For the education--sometimes it is good for kids to pay for a part of the education, especially college. Is that what your husband is worried about, or education for grade school and high school? Kids can pay for part of college, they will value it more that way, I think.

Try to come to a decision together, otherwise one of you will feel cheated. good luck

K. Z.

Your husband makes valid points, and their all financially motivated. You're about to be "out of diapers" (assuming the 2 year old will be potty trained within the year), and the 2 year old is mostly on "real people food". You're going to be going back to diapers, wipes, formula, and jarred food. It will affect your quality of life, and your family's life. You're husband is the money maker, and is understandably concerned about being able to provide for another child.

You make valid points too, but they're emotionally motivated. There's nothing wrong with that at all. In your experience, 3 was a good number, good things came out of your parents having a 3rd child. Keep in mind that child #3 came at a time of traumatic time, and in doing so, filled a void in you, and your parents lives. Your current family is not in that same situation. I'm very sorry that your brother passed away due to a medical accident, but that situation does not apply currently.

No woman wants to stop having kids - it is a very emotional decision once the youngest hits about 2 years old. I went through that, my sisters have, other women I know - once the youngest hits about 2, we all wanted to start trying to have another, and that really never goes away. Even though we decided to stop at 2, a few weeks ago, mid-cycle, I told my husband, "Hey, if we want to try for 3, now's the time!" He giggled and admitted he thought about maybe wanting a 3rd child.

Maybe all you two need is a little time to realize that maybe a third child won't have the "detrimental financial impact" your husband thinks, or maybe you'll decide that 2 is okay. Maybe you guys can "table" the discussion for a year...the 2 year old is "mostly out of diapers" and "mostly on real people food"? That might lessen the financial impact by having only 1 child in diapers and on formula/baby food, and could provide the emotional factor for you by having a 3rd child?

I'm not sure what the right answer for your family is, but sounds like you two need to discuss the idea a bit further. Neither of you wants to resent the other for years because you did or didn't have a 3rd child. Plus, there isn't much room for compromise because you can't "undo" it. Having a 3rd child is pretty "finite" - you can't decide a year later that maybe you shouldn't have done so.

Hope you guys are able to have a productive conversation about it and figure out how to proceed.

For what it's worth, and good luck!

My sister died when I was 26. I wanted a third child not as a back up child, but for my children so they would always have another sibling. I didn't want one of my children to be alone. I understand what you are feeling. I will tell you there are advantages and disadvantages to having 3 children. But, you shouldn't persuade anyone to have a 3rd child. You want that child to feel as loved as your other two. It has to be a decision you both reach together. This is one of the most difficult things in a marriage. Good luck. It doesn't have to be this year. Continue to talk.
R.

Don't. It needs to be a joint decision. I have some good friends with 3 kids under the age of 4 and just recently it has finally caught up with them. Its draining and overwhelming to care for one more whether you desire a bigger family or not. They were debating adding another to their family because they too desired a big family, but after this recent realization that 3 is plenty hard work, they decided against it for their own sanity. Your husband is right too about finances. Part of their problem with 3 is having the finances to take care of them all. Unless you have a high salary, struggling to care for that many kids will eventually catch up with you. Be happy with your current family size until BOTH of you are ready to add to the family.

I don't think the decision to have another child should be based on your fear of losing the ones you have. This "back-up child" thing has me a little concerned for you, maybe you were not able to properly grieve for your brother and need to see a councilor. Having another child is a big decision especially financially. If your husband is the bread winner for the family and doesn't think you can afford another child than you should take that into consideration and maybe wait a year to see if the financial situation has improved. If having a third child is really something you want to do than you should come up with a financial game plan to present to your husband. Maybe if he see's it would only be a little bit extra a month or if you have a plan for bringing in more income he might be a little more open to the idea.

DON'T this could lead to a very unhappy marriage. Like anything else let it happen naturally other wise it will only make 'someone' unhappy

Financials are always tight. If you really can't get by, then having another child is not the best decision. Perhaps try foster parenting. You are able to give your compassion to a child that has no one. Plus, the government gives you like $500 a month to take care of the child, often receive government health insurance, educational benefits when in elementary-middle-high school and extra funds when going to college. They get a lot more grants for foster children and adoptee's. Maybe having a foster child will open the door for having anothe child. You can see how another child fits into the budget, works with the family make-up and other adjustments. You could adopt a child in elementary school, or a later age, to avoid the costly baby stage.

There are multiple ways to save money on child expenses. You can set up a car pool with a couple of parents from the school or the kids' classrooms. I've exchanged a couple hours babysitting for picking the kids up from school and activities and vice versa. I've traded clothes the kids have grown out of for other things online. I use Freecycle on Yahoo groups, Craigslist, etc. I've found clothes, bikes, bed frames, like-new toys, furniture. I have a beautiful armoire that was originally $1500 and I paid $120 including delivery.

Clothes can be hand-me-downs, bought at second hand stores, garage sales and Craigslist. I only buy new coats, shoes or gloves generally because they are harder to find. There are some really nice consignment shops that sell name brand clothes and gently used clothes. They don't look used at all, and you are paying about 50% (or more) off retail.

Food can always be bought at discount from Aldi's or superstores, invest in vacuum sealer and a deep freezer. I try the off-brands. Companies like Delmonte, Green Giant, Dole, Campbell all make a portion of their food for charity. Those foods are relabeled with generic brand names, so often you are receiving the same food for a lesser price. That's why I almost always shop at Aldi's Grocery. I only buy food when it's on sale and I buy waaay ahead. Meat, veggies, milk, cheese, butter, and fruit can all be frozen. I can reduce our food budget to about $30 a week for a family of 3. Also, I entertain probably once a week, so a little planning can go a long way. We eat fruit, veggies and healthy food all the time. Buy veggies frozen so they last longer, and sometimes they are a bit less expensive. You save money because they do not spoil in the fridge. Make large pots of food, vacuum seal and put in freezer. When I first tried it, it seemed very time consuming. I realized that I save money over time because I didn't run out to eat when I was too busy or too tired to cook. Leftovers do not spoil. I use a permanent marker to put the date on items. I chose a couple days a week that were freezer nights to make sure I was using the packaged leftovers instead of letting them spoil in the freezer (which many people end up doing when they buy in bulk).

My 4 and 5 year old can pop something into the microwave no problem. My microwave is pre-programmed with times and has pictures. They can push the veggie button and it cooks the food perfect in the pre-sealed vacuum bag. I keep snack canisters with health snacks, chips, cereal bars, pre-cut fruit and veggies, popcorn, sandwiches, etc. They know to go to the snack canister or the snack drawer in the fridge. They don't eat junk food because good things are always available. Snack food is expensive, so I don't hardly any money there. They can get themselves a healthy meal when babysitters are over, who rarely cook, never clean up the kitchen. Thus, I get home from school-errands and I don't have a ton of household duties to attend to. Less stress.

Save money on energy. Invest in LED light bulbs. They use only a couple watts of energy. Or you can do the cheap version and use X-Mas lights instead of a lamp in the bedrooms. There are shorter strands and different kinds of lamps. There are also LED lights that fit into normal lamps. Might be more expensive intially, but they get like 10,000 hours out of them. They are more durable than the green energy bulbs CFL (compact flourescent). Many manufactueres make them.

http://www.gelighting.com/na/
http://www.theledlight.com/
http://www.ledwaves.com/LED-Light-Bulbs-p-1-c-103.html

You can save money on energy by reducing gas consumption. Keep gas heat on 60-65 degrees and use electric space heaters in rooms. Turn on space heaters about an hour before going to bed. Close off vents upstairs to push heat downstairs. Hot air rises, so the rooms stay warm either way. I switched to electric heaters for a 3 bedrooms house, about 1500 square feet, and the bill only went up about 60 dollars in the dead of winter last year. The gas billed dropped a lot though... maybe $200-$300 a month. You could pay yourself back for high capacity space heaters for the whole house in about 2-3 months. If you get a heater using a light, then you reduce your need by one lamp or overhead light in that room.

In the summer, I invested in an internal portable air conditioner. It was much more efficient than the central air unit and it kept the cool air in the rooms we were in. I had one for the downstairs, and eventually bought one for the upstairs. Alen Air is what I like, but there are a lot of manufacturers out there. I use vaporizers and humidifiers in the winter to make the air warmer. I use a dehumidifier in the summer to make the air seem cooler. When the AC went out for about a week last summer, I used several fans blowing over a bucket of ice and a wet towel, which seemed to help quite a bit.

I have also saved energy on lighting by rearranging my living room to place seating near windows. It removes the need for lighting when it's daytime. I use up-lights or lamp shades that focus up and out to display lighting throughout the room. I use lamp shades pointing down near where I would read or do paperwork. Lighter colored paint reflects light. Dark paint absorbs light. Glossier paint reflects light. Mirrors reflect light. The glass on picture frames reflect light. You could put a large mural or picture behind the couch to reflect light light. Try lighter colored paint on the wall and bring in other colors with furniture, pillows, throw blankets, rugs or table top accessories.

We had 1 boy and 1 girl when we had our 3rd (a girl). I agree with others that say he needs to be on board - you can't force him into the decision. He's concerned about finances, which is valid. But really... most parents spend >way< more money on their kids than they need to. Figure out the budget, trim where you can and show him in black and white the numbers of where you can save money to have enough for a 3rd.

We found out that our 3rd child really didn't impact our budget as much as we thought it would. Sure there were diapers (but you could do cloth - we did when they were infants) but breastfeeding is free. Jarred baby food is expensive but our kids hated it anyway and we just fork-smashed whatever the rest of the family was eating. We rarely have to buy clothes or toys (and no baby gear!) for the 3rd because we had already had everything. We spend less on our kids than many of our neighbors and yet our kids are healthy, smart, do great in school, have friends, are independent and are very happy.

Young kids don't need sports or music lessons - they can wait until in school and take them when it's free or very cheap through school programs. Most experts agree that young children do better in the long run with many hours of free time each day anyways. Playgroups, library storytimes, etc are free alternatives to expensive programs like Gymboree. A family membership to the zoo or children's museum is one price regardless of the number of children.

As for college, that's almost 20 years away. Your financial situation will probably be better by then. And there's always scholarships and student loans. And state schools where you can pay in-state tuition can be great.

Even if your financial situation was great right now, that's not a reason to have or not have kids.... because that could change in a short period of time. I don't think financial is a good thing to make the decision on.

As devastating as losing a child (at any age) is, I don't think having a 'back-up' child would make you feel any less devastated. You are still mourning the loss of your brother and projecting it onto your own family situation. Do families have children that die? - sometimes yes. Does it happen all the time and is it likely to happen to you? - I don't think it's all that likely. No one can really tell what Fate has in store for any of us. I think you could use some grief counseling to come to grips with what you have suffered over your brother. Once that has been dealt with, if you want another child, then you are going to have to get a job and earn the extra money it would cost to have and support another one, and THEN I think your husband will be more on board with the idea. It is never a good idea to have more kids than you can afford to support. They will all suffer for it.

This is what my father in law told me after my husband decided 2 was enough, if one dies the other one will be left alone, have 3. I was also 40 when I had my last child, and thats ok too.

Don't fool yourself. If things are tight now, they WILL get tighter! Are you willing to risk the security of your family and your relationship just becauase you want another child? Look at the FACTS and take away your emotions. I'm with your husband on this one.

If you're so set on it, then maybe you need to find a part time job, make $$ from home, sell some things on Craigslist or whatever, but with the insecure economy, I think you HAVE to weigh out the positive vs. the negative.

LOTS of couples divorce over $$. Do you really want to risk that? Divorce is expensive, too. Honor him as the provider of the family and let it go. Volunteer at a daycare or have play groups or something to have more kids around if you want, but DON'T risk the security of your family because of your wants/emotions.