How Can I Stop My 4 Year Old's Horrible Behavior? I Just Want My Girl Back...

wow...new home, new sibling, new pre-K and almost 5 years old...that is a lot to handle...none of it negative, but all of it important.

I experience some of the type of behavior taht you're referring to with my 5 year old son and so, at least on some level, some of her behavior is age appropriate....frustrating, but age appropriate.

I say continue with the rewards, be consistant with consequences, tell her you love her even when you don't love her behavior and find some time for some one-on one with her every day.

Hi R.,

You just have so much going on, It's amazing you are still standing!

You might consider an alternative to the reward and punishment system you are using. I know they are popular, but they are basically all about conditional love. Instead, you might consider the concepts of consequences, encouragment and problem solving. I love reading and have found certain books very helpful in developing this kind of discipline for my stubborn son. The Postive Discipline series is really great! Also, Raising Your Spirited Child (saved my life when my son was a toddler). Also, on my list to read, the author Alfie Kohn. He really develops the ideas of avoiding reward and punishment, with research to back it up. Here is a NYTimes article you might find interesting:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/15/health/15mind.html?_r=1...

Also, as a former difficult child, I can tell you that no punishment is a deterrent when the payoff of driving your parents crazy is so big. There is untold power in getting a parent to see red. I would take a spanking and laugh, just to get more, somehow understanding that I was in control of the situation in some weird way. With a child of this temperament, reward and punishment are particularly ineffective. If you can develop ways to sidestep power struggles, give your child more control (though very much in a child appropriate way), you will have much less frustrated, calmer child!

You might also consider the concept that stubborness is a very useful and valuable trait and that it needs to be harnessed instead of squashed. It's so hard to look at a very difficult frustrating trait and put a positive spin on it, but stubborness has an up side later in life, if it can be harnessed as persistance!

I've gone through a lot with my child. I know it might sound a bit flakey or too "alternative" to many people. It's so hard to escape the way we were raised! It's so hard to escape the idea that we can't let them get away with it, there must be a punishment. I think it is brave to reach in a different direction. It is not one bit about being permissive, it is about teaching a child, setting boundries, lovingly guiding a child and giving them the pride that comes with being part of the solution, having a say in it. It's so hard because for a lot of kids the reward/punishment works in the short run, but in the long run, they don't learn what we really want to teach them (self-reliance, presistance, confidence.

I wish you the very best during some very difficult transitions, and beyond!

C.

SO much to adjust to for you all. Imagine your daughter may be having the hardest time, having no control over all the changes.
I have found that when my son who is 4 does better than when I give him time out is when I do a time out w/ him, where I sit w/ him empathically and just shut out all the noise and stimulation (which the multiple changes in the short period of time can bring on - being overwhelmed w/ so many changes can be overstimulating and she cannot regulate the stress from it most likely); your sitting w/ her in a loving, reassuring way can help her w/ offsetting the stress. It may be a change for her as she is fighting the added stress of being in time out. My son then started going to time out on his own (telling me he was going to time out) when he felt stressed and we would all be quiet while he sat quietly to settle down. I taught him to take deep breaths whenever he is beginning to feel frustrated & angry and now he has been telling me to do the same when he sees me get frustrated. The important thing is teaching her how to handle the stress w/ you being available in a loving supportive way to reassure her; however her tantrums are frustrating to you.
The behavioral approach is empty & frustrating when it isn't communicated in a way that provides reassurance or loving support to your child. I picked up this book at my library which helped tremendously with understanding & keeping in my mind the communication needs of my child: "The 5 love languages of children". Best of luck to you all!

She went through a LOT of changes in a short period of time, and kids this age have a hard time with transitions, so it's not surprising that she's acting up, especially by regressing to an earlier stage (wetting and tantrums are more the mark of a 2.5-3 year old).

More effective than punishments or rewards for behaviors would be to sometimes act with her as if she were younger, and most importantly help her express her feelings. She doesn't have the vocabulary, so you need to help her "You're really angry right now, aren't you?" "School is a big change for you, isn't it?" etc. See how she responds, she'll help you express for her her real feelings and thoughts. What she really needs is to feel understood and to be able to label her feelings. What she's getting right now is "it's not ok to express your feelings" or maybe even "you don't have a right to your feelings" - which is not to say that you have to stop unacceptable behavior.

If you do this, you'll also give her a great gift for the future: there is a name for feelings, and it's ok to feel them - even the ugly ones.

K.

PS: when a small child says "I hate you" or "I wish you were dead" they are simply saying they are angry at you.

You know she's been through a lot, but does she know you feel for her? Talk to her about how hard these changes must be for her. ask her how she feels about moving? the new baby? etc. Ask her if there is anything you can do to help. (of course have these conversations when she isn't being nasty) . But when you have her calm... don't ignore the situation. Don't be afraid that bringing it up will make it worse. If she feels like no one understands, she may be angry and scared. And use those words... .ask her if she is angry or scared. Validating her feelings will make her trust you more.... she will be more willing to listen to your rules if she really trusts that you have her best interest at heart.

Could she just be overtired from starting school and a new routine. My daughter will be 4 in November and she just started a new preschool... 2 of the days she does a full day. She loves it, but is SO TIRED when she gets home. I notice that she is much moodier and throws more tantrums when she is tired. Maybe you could make her bedtime earlier. Also, make sure she is getting plenty of praise when she is being good, and less negative attention. Maybe some special 1 on 1 time would be good right now too... good luck... she is going through a tough stage right now, but she'll work through it.

Hi R.
Sympathize without a solution.
Know that others have been there and lived through it.
When our twins were 4 we moved out of state. In the next 3 years we lived in 3 houses, then moved back to original house. So to the girls it was 5 houses in 3 years, they started school, and ended up in 3 different ones in those years, and went through a hurricane which put the lights out for 8 days, and when the lights went out 6 mos later with the ice storm I never dreamed they would be out longer, yes 10 days.
Too much change and the girls withdrew. It was different and I never did get them back, but loving them through all these things no matter how they acted caused them to see me as a person who unconditionally loved them. Their father still struggles with their changes and they feel they have to be for him. I am sorry about that but now I am glad that I just kept loving them not trying to change them.
God bless you
K. --- SAHM married 39 years == adult children -- 38,coach; 33,lawyer; and twins 19 in college.

Hi R.,

I have found that when children are having so many emotions going on, the only way they know how to be heard is by misbehaving. I do not mean in any way to ignore bad behavior, what I mean is try to really get to the cause. There is no way to reason with a child in the heat of the moment, so I always try talking when they are calm. I think she just wants some extra attention. Since daddy is who she is angry at is it possible for her to have a daddy and daughter day out, or just her and daddy time. I don't find that sticker charts work most kids don't care. However, a fun day with daddy or mommy is great incentive and also can be taken away when behavior is not acceptable. Maybe when she is eating breakfast and calm just ask her how she is feeling about all of the new changes and what she would like to be different if she can articulate what is bothering her. Half the job of parenting I find is to learning to listen to what our children are saying. Unfortunately, when they are young sometimes they just don't know how to get it out. Trust me, I am a strict disciplinarian, I am all for setting boundaries, and consistency, and consequences. However in this case I think she is just trying to be heard. If you can commit to one special event every day, like a special story from mom or dad, or going for ice cream, or the park, as incentive it may help. When she breaks the rules she does not get to go. Hopefully she will see she can have so much more fun and more privileges when she behaves. Sending her to her room or time out is just sending her away and I think it's the opposite of what she needs right now. With all of the changes she is feeling she really does want to be near, she is just going about it all the wrong way. I think the wetting and nastiness is all a symptom of how she is feeling inside and for attention. As you said what your doing right now is not working so maybe try a different approach by being positive. Hopefully she will emulate your mood and there will be some calm in her. I know it is easier said then done when your little one is out of control but I think that is how she is feeling inside and just needs to come to terms with the changes. One more suggestion is the dollar store has some great inexpensive coloring books and craft kits. Make a busy box for her and take it out at special times when you are busy with the baby. So it can act as a distraction for her and keep her occupied when you can be attentive to her. Make it at a certain time everyday so she has something to look forward to. If she only sees it once a day it will be exciting to her and when she does not earn it then it is something else you can take away as a consequence. When my kids were little I had busy bags for everything. The car, restaurants, etc. They were all different so whenever I needed them to be calm and quiet I could always count on the busy bag as a distraction. Keep it tucked away and let it be something special they only use maybe once a day so they do not get bored with it. Good luck hang in there it will get better.

Sounds like she needs reassurance, TLD and patience on
your end. I know easier said than done. Keep up a
routine and be consistent. She is really testing you.
Good luck.

R.,

Talk to her. Just sit down and open a book, and when you get to the end, ask her - what is going on in her life? Talk about all aspects, and talk about how much you love her and her sister, and her Dad, and other things. You might find something new.

If you are home, I would keep her home. There is no need for pre-k is there? If you are trading one sanity for another, maybe she is just not ready to be away from you.

She is exercising what little control she has.

Try a picture system for her to help her with her expectations. A picture of her waking, greeting family at breakfast, bathing/dressing, backpack waiting by the door, etc.

Good luck, I hope you help her to resolve this soon.
M.

Hi R.,
It sounds like she has gone through a lot of adjustment. I think it's important to be firm when she is behaving badly but allowing for lots of positive interaction and catching her being good. I'd set up some alone time outings. Saying mean things at that age like that it would be funny if someone died, at 4 they don't really understand what it means that someone dies. Either she saw someone fall into a pool in a movie/tv show and it was really funny and she somehow added the died part or in school, she hears kids saying funny/dumb/bad things and is repeating them without knowing what they mean. I would explain the ways in which it would not be funny if daddy died. Things like wetting are attention getters, so I would try not to react, hand her clean pants and panties and direct her to the bathroom, end of attention.
Good luck, I hope you're past this rough stage soon!

Well, I don't have any easy anwsers but my son is 3.5 and is having tantrums and resisting potty trianing too (he was almost trianed then the baby came). I have an 8 month old and he started school about 3 months ago and his behavior took a serious nosedive because of all the changes. We tried sending him to his room for timeout but it backfired and he refused to play in the room at all. Supervised time out worked much better for us. He also says "throw that baby in the trash." Your daughter has gone through even more changes than that so no suprise she is acting out.

Can you work it out she has some time to rest and get a snack after school? My sister was the kind of kid who was an "angel" in school and a terror at home when she was little ( between ages 4-8). She used up all her self control at school was my mom's theory.

This is a tough age because they seem to go through another spurt of independence, especially starting a school program. There could be a lot of things going on, but most likely she is looking for your attention and saying/doing "naughty" things is working.

If you can, set aside a little time for her each day and let her pick the activity. It can be 20 minutes, but if she knows that she's going to get that time you may avoid a few meltdowns. When she says nasty things, try not to respond with her level of intensity. I'm a kiddie-pshrink, so easier said than done, but something like "I'm really sorry you feel that way" and leaving it at that usually gets the point across.

If the house is loud/chaotic with the new baby, sending her to her room may not be a punishment! Think about it... what's in there? What is she doing? Keep in mind that when you want to decrease a behavior, you punish. When you want to increase a behavior, you reinforce it. Reward each bit of compliance with a sticker that will eventually earn her something. When she is out of compliance, take a sticker away.

Talk with the teacher and see if any of this is going on in school. My guess is that it is not. She will relax and settle into a routine. In the meantime, take a zero tolerance policy and stick to it! She's a role model now- something you may want to point out!

First of all your daughter has gone through so much change and loss. Its easier for adults to accept, but children have a much harder time. Its going to take some adjustment for her. You may want to play with her with themes on the loss, or draw. Keep new routines for her and the reward system in place. Give her time for the adjustments. Meanwhile you may want to mention it to the school, in case there are any issues there.

Maybe she has an allergy to something in your new location. Allergies can affect the brain in exactly the way you're describing.

A few books to learn more:

-An Alternative Approach to Allergies
-Dietwise

Have you talked with her about this? What are her feelings? Most children don't WANT to be bad but often they can't control it due to an allergy that literally makes their body and brain do things they wouldn't normally do.