How Do I Cope with My Husbands Affair?

Honey - he left.
He's been gone a year.
Did you really think you guys were going to get back together?
He's moving on.
And at this point it's probably advisable to get a divorce going.
The girlfriend is not trying to take your kids.
She's getting to know them and might possibly end up being a step mom to them.
You are still in shock over this - but eventually you will get past this and move on too.
Someday you will introduce a boyfriend to your kids who may someday become a step dad to them.
It's not a contest - you will move at your own pace and you're not in competition with this other woman.
Grieve your failed marriage, then put it behind you and then move forward to a happily ever after of your very own.

A.,

This is not an affair. Your husband moved out. He's been gone for a year. I don't think he's coming back.

How you accept the fact that he has moved on and she will attend events? You breathe.
You'll still be there. You need to stop. You are creating drama. Enough already.

Start divorce proceedings. It's obviously over. He's moved out and moved on.

She is NOT taking your kids as her own. Please. My God. You really need to see a therapist to get control over this fear. You need to accept that your husband has moved on. Divorce him. Let him have his cupcake. It's okay. Life goes on.

You need to be nice. You need to be cordial to her. WHY? you ask, because you are setting an example for your children. YOU ARE YOUR CHILDREN'S ROLE MODEL! Stop with the dramatics and be a big girl, now act like it. I realize that you are having trouble accepting your marriage is over. I'm truly sorry.

be the best role model you can for your kids. Stop with the drama. Stop with the crying. He's been gone for a year. Now you stand up, you wipe your tears and give him divorce papers and be the best person you can be. Nothing negative. Nothing nasty. None of the "she's trying to take my kids as her own" - instead of thinking this way - why not realize she's trying to give your children love? What's wrong with kids getting more love?

Breathe. Move on.

I am really sorry that this has happened to you. I can feel your pain in this post.

Some thoughts...

It takes 2 people to make a marriage work but only one to break it up. You may or may not be blameless but I don't think you should say that you "failed". Your husband broke the marriage vows not you.

The first thing I think you should do is figure out why after one year of separation you would still love a man that has done this to you. I also think you should stop using language like "this woman has moved into your spot". She didn't push you out...your husband invited her in.

I taught my girls that boys/men do not like a desperate woman. Be a confident woman who understands that she deserves better and more from a partner.

Also, kids are resilient and they will be just fine if their mother is fine. Be strong for them at first if you have to but I hope someday you will be strong for yourself.

Best of luck!!!

God grant me the SERENITY to ACCEPT the things cannot CHANGE
The COURAGE TO change THE THINGS I CAN
And the WISDOM to KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

You can't change this so you have to accept it not for him but for you and the kids. Talk to a divorce attorney and find out what you can do now to take care of you and the kids.

I am so very sorry this has happened. I can see how much pain you are in.

You say you can't believe "a friend would do this" - what do you mean? Do you mean he was your friend, or do you mean the girlfriend was once your friend?

He moved out 1 year ago, right? So this is not new. Your marriage ended 1 year ago. Whether he should have fought harder for your marriage and family is now a moot point - he didn't do it, and a year later, he hasn't changed his mind.

After a year, he has a girlfriend. Even if he was with her when he moved out (which I'm not saying he was, and you didn't specify), he waited a full year before introducing her to the children. That's commendable even if he was awful to you in other ways.

Your children are not "now" in a broken family - they have been in that situation for a year. You have not "failed completely" - your marriage failed, for whatever reason or reasons that was. But don't take all the blame on yourself. This woman is not moving into your spot. Your spot as their mother remains intact and will never change. She is your ex husband's girlfriend, but that ceased to be your "spot" when he left.

Why do you say she is "trying to take your kids as her own"?? Because she shows up at some events? That is a huge jump and one which is not justified by the facts. Unless she is telling them to call her "Mommy" and saying that you are a terrible person, she's not doing anything wrong.

You must stop focusing on her. She is not the problem. She is the result of the problem, which is a marriage that broke up and one partner (your ex husband) who moved on. The other part of the problem is your inability to accept that your marriage ended a year ago - you still haven't accepted that he's not coming "home" and you are denying the reality that he has another home now. Your marriage was probably over before he left - whether you accept that or not.

Look, people don't walk out on a healthy marriage. If a marriage breaks up, it's because there was a problem. That doesn't mean you caused the problem by yourself - but it's evident that you didn't see it coming or accept it when it happened. You are placing blame on this woman, and not seeing your ex as part of the problem (or even the entire problem, if you feel you had no role in this at all). So you act like you are "supposed to be" with your husband - but clearly you are not. That ship sailed a year ago, maybe longer. She did not move in on a healthy marriage and destroy it - a 3rd party cannot do that. You absolutely must STOP focusing on her, work on your own self-confidence, and deal with your ex in a productive way as a co-parent.

If you don't have a legal separation agreement (including child support and custody), get one. Get counseling to figure out why you are clinging to a fantasy that he will come back, and why you are so insecure that you say 2 contradictory things: 1) that YOU failed and 2) that SHE is the problem.

Your children deserve and need a confident, strong mother, who shows them how to live with backbone and independence. They do not need a mother who, after 1 year, has not taken care of herself enough to get counseling to learn how to deal what may be a very unfair situation. Even if your husband was 100% at fault in the demise of your marriage, you are 100% at fault for not moving forward, for not finding a good grounding and a strong sense of herself. I don't know the genders of your children, but if you have a son, he needs to know that women are strong, deserving of respect, and resilient. He needs to know that a woman is a partner who can enhance his life, and not a victim dependent on him. If you have a daughter, she needs to learn that SHE is responsible for her own happiness and strength, and that she does not NEED a man to make her a whole and complete being.

Your husband may have been a total piece of garbage, I don't know. But even if he was, he waited an entire YEAR to introduce his children to his girlfriend. That is extraordinary and commendable. That shows great respect for the kids, and (frankly) great respect for you.

What you MUST do is hold your head high at school events, trust your position of honor and authority in your children's lives. And I'll go a step further. You will make your children's lives better if you allow for the possibility that another woman can make them feel even better about themselves by showing them love and caring. She could be your greatest ally. You should want your children to be loved by as many people as possible.

I am eminently familiar with step- and blended families. I urge you to take the high road here, from a position of confidence and strength, and be the biggest, proudest mom you can be. All you have to do is to reach out for professional help and support to get there.

First of all the new girlfriend can never "take" your kids as her own. If you have really been in a relationship for twenty years you must be old enough to understand this. I assume you have 50/50 custody? Your children are your children, AND your ex husband's children, and yes, this new woman could potentially be a part of their lives but there's very little you can do about that so it sounds like you need to start working on the things you CAN control, yourself, your feelings, responses and reactions, etc.
My husband and I split a year and a half ago after over twenty years together. We just attended our son's college graduation together and actually hosted a smaillish (about 20 people) party together. Because it was out of state and the first time we've celebrated a family milestone as divorced parents we didn't include the new people we are dating, but I know that will happen eventually, and we both need to be prepared for it, not only for ourselves but our childrens' sake.
Maybe speaking to a therapist or counselor would help you, someone completely subjective to give you honest guidance and advice?

You need to let go of your anger, counseling can help with this, it is important for the wellbeing of your children. You have to stop looking at her as the enemy, she is not taking your place in the lives of your kids, she is simply a new person who will be in their lives and who will more than likely grow to love them much as if they were her own children, at least that is what we hope to see from step parents. I understand you are very hurt. I don't know if he had an affair while you were still living together or if this is a women who entered his life after you were separated, but at this point that really makes little difference. You tried separating and clearly he has decided he does not want to reconcile, so it is time to let go of the idea that your marriage will resume and time to learn how to effectively co-parent with your husband. It will not always be easy, of course it will hurt when she is at their games and functions, but just try to remind yourself that she is there to support them as well, and kids really can never have to many people that love them.

I highly recommend counseling so you have a safe place to vent and heal, if your kids see how hurt you are it could affect their relationship with their father and you don't want that.

Um, maybe a good start would be to not call this an affair, you are separated, have been for a year. He has a girlfriend, he moved on, perhaps you should as well.

Your children were in a broken family a year ago. Actually as someone who divorced, your kids have had a broken home much longer than a year.

Coming up with reasons he shouldn't like this girl is not going to make him come back to you. He had a year, he didn't come back did he? He doesn't love you, you are not worth fighting for. Don't drag the family, your kids, into your issues. I think the meanest thing divorced parents do is pull the kids in and make them think they are the problem, that they were not worth fighting for.

Edit: it always troubles me when someone creates a second profile just to tell themselves they are normal, everything the OP said was correct. Like what you did with creating Dawn D. I mean we are a bunch of people on the internet, what we think really doesn't matter and if we don't agree with you that is up to you to determine the worth. Creating another account, that you know isn't real, shouldn't give you what you think you need which is agreement with you that all of this is your husband's fault, that he gave up on your family. I have to wonder why it is so important to you that it look like someone else agrees this is an affair. It isn't an affair, it is someone with some issues that is refusing to move on.

Anyway, find someone, a professional, to talk to, you need help and not the kind you will get here.

I think you need a reality check. He moved out and moved on. Its is beyond an affair. He has a relationship with her. Your marriage is over that is why he didn't fight for it. He was gone, now you need to be as well.

Why haven't you or he filed for divorce? Its time sweetie! YOU need to move on. This isn't about him anymore. Its about you and the kids. Your children were from a broken home before now. You need to take control of the situation. Please seek counseling. You didn't fail, perhaps HE failed. But you need to move on and you haven't.

You can NEVER be replaced. YOU are Mom. That will not change. Yes, you will have to share the kids with them. It will hurt for a while and then one day you will realize that it doesn't hurt as much.

Pick yourself up and dust yourself off and realize you deserve so much more than this. Show your kids what an awesome woman and Mom you are. Time to put the big girl pants on, and serve him with divorce papers and get working on liking yourself again!!! Hugs!!

News Flash!!! This is NOT an affair!

Your marriage has been over for a year, probably longer than that. Your "family" hasn't been complete for well over a year. What fantasy land are you living in? You need to accept the fact that your marriage is over and move on, just like he has done.

How is this woman trying to take your kids from you? Please. Stop with the drama and hysteria. Your marriage is over. Your husband has moved on. You have not.

He reaches out for hugs and kisses because you are the mother of his children.

Committed a sin? Yes. In God's eyes they have. That's on THEM. NOT you. Let God judge them on that.

I can't imagine what you are going through. The only thing that I can relate to is the betrayal from someone you love. I experienced that before and it's terrible. I was in denial for a long time. I didn't even tell people because I was sure we'd get back together, and didn't want people to know we'd had a break up.

I think you're in denial too. Maybe you thought he would come to his senses by now.

It doesn't sound like he will. He has made his decision.

Even if some day he does decide to come back, in order for that to work, you would have had to worked on yourself, moved on yourself, and been ok (actually better than ok) on your own. You would have to start fresh.

Couples who go through this cannot just pick up the pieces. You've changed. So my suggestion would be to have counseling for yourself - not so that you can get him back - but so that you can be ok without him, and then over time happy without him.

Then you might meet someone else :) But you have to move on. You're just stuck right now.

I think a lot of us have been where you are. And don't try to make sense or understand this. You can't. Let yourself hurt and grieve. You need to let all that out - and then you can heal.

Best to you

What Wild Woman said. Exactly what she said.

It is very difficult to deal with adultery, which is what it is since you are still married. You need to know that you are valuable! You feel like a rejected failure but it's not YOUR job to MAKE a person happy. They need to be content within/with themselves. This is maturity. People can be self centered and put that burden on their spouse. He was unfaithful, and he moved on, not you. Be happy that you kept your part of the marriage. He has moved on without trying to make up with you. It's very difficult but you may need to move on as well. Don't let insecurity rule your life. God still has a plan for YOU! God bless.