I found out two months ago that my husband has been having an affair. He has asked for a divorce not because of her but because of some issues he feels that he lacked in our marriage and that it is now too late to fix them. Which is not true...he just never listend to me and is close minded to fixing things.
We are going to counseling and all but it seems pointless re our marriage. His issues run deep. The relationship he is in with this girl is doomed to fail.
When I married him I took those vows seriously. In sickness and in health, good and the bad til death do us part.
He is still talking to her and still has the connection to her and is continuing to lie to me. He is still providing for me and taking care of me. He still lives here but it is really hard for me having him here and knowing that he still has this bond and love for her.
But, I dont want him to move out because I feel that it might be the end of our marriage. I have even gone so far to agree to let him talk to this girl and let the relationship run its course and not talk about it anymore no matter how much it hurts me. As long as he is not intimate with her!
BUT the woman in me wants to tell him to get out of our house!
If he moves out he will still provide for us for the next three years as if we were married until I finish nursing school and will pay more than the 20% each month for child suport after I graduate about $2000 a month. So I am not worried about that.
I am so confused on what to do when you take your vows seriously when do you say enough is enough?!!!!
What would you do?
Well today was the last straw! He told me that he had to see her to help her find a store because she gets lost easily. i was so mad that he was leaving our home and the limited time that we have our DD and i with him to see her. He left at 10:30 am and was due back at 12:30...didnt return home until 3:30.
I had had enough and left him a VM telling him that I packed up all his stuff and that they can have eachother I am done!
He calls me back and told me that he broke it off with her that he made a mistake with her.
This by no means mean that we are fixed and things will get better. But it gives him a stay of execution for the time being. If he starts seeing her again...than he is out of here!
I don't think you realize that you deserve better. If he wants his cake & eat it, too, then he needs to realize that you're the cake! He can't have a 2nd cake in his life.
I agree with you on your vows. I took mine very seriously too when I married my husband. Having said that, an affair is my breaking point. You have a daughter, you are her role model. Your husband still continuing the affair while living in your home does nothing for your self esteem, and shows him that you will allow him to run you over. I don't think you are being fair to yourself. I don't know you from Adam, but you are a mom and a woman you have needs and wants of your own. At some point if your husband is not willing to work on the marriage and try and fix the things that need fixing, maybe it is time to throw in the towel and save your dignity. You can't let him continue to treat you like a rug. Look at it this way, if your daughter was in this same situation would you want her to stick around with this man? Would you want her to be treated this way? Give yourself the respect that you deserve and move on. Realize that you have done everything you can to save this marriage.
I hope I'm not being to harsh on this. I've often wondered what I would do in this situation. I've always told my husband an affair is it for me. I wouldn't be able to sit here with him and allow him to disrespect me like that and our family. I have a daughter myself and I wouldn't want her to see that this is ok for mommy to be treated this way. Please understand that I'm against divorce completely, but I'm not against self-worth and self-respect.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, just think you got a wonderful little girl out of the deal. Good Luck to you in this tough time. I hope that in your heart you can make the best decision for you and your daughter.
(I hope I wasn't too harsh) :)
Hi Trish
I know it's hard to be going through this right now, but he has already told you that there's issues that just don't have remedy. If the fact that he told you it's over doesn't let you know it's over then the fact that he still speaks to this lady even after you've confronted him should let you know it's over. Adults are like children they will test you until you reach your breaking point. If my husband let me still talk to my "boyfriend" while still in "our" home then I'm sorry but yes I would most definitely take advantage of that until someone put a stop to it. I'm having the best of both worlds. Let him go. If in a couple weeks, months, years after you've let him go he comes back and you want to take him back go for it. But right now it's time to let him go or he will suck the life out of you to the point where you will no longer who you are. You will be so disgusted with yourself for letting it get to that point that it will be hard for you to even get out of bed. Run and don't look back.
If my husband had an affair that was a one night stand and no contact afterwards, I would not end our marriage but it looks like your husband is not willing to end this. Im so sorry that you have had to experience this and I know by experience that it is one of the worst feelings to have to go through but he is not respecting you each time he talks to her.
I would never allow my husband to speak to someone he was recently intimate with. You are being a doormat for him to trample on. DONT! You will regret it later.
It is so hard to take the advice of people who arent in the situation but I WAS in that situation and it is best to cut your losses unless you are ready for more pain.
Good luck sweetie and Im so very sorry. Remember that nothing you couldnt have done "made" him cheat. Everyone has their own free will, plain and simple.
If he asked for a divorce, then let him go. Life is too short to go through this. Just like the other poster said, you don't want your little girl affected by this. I'm sure she already is whether you notice it or not.
If you are concerned about Christian beliefs, the bible does talk of divorce and when a man no longer treats his wife like Christ does the church she should leave.
If it is just moral for you, the man is not respecting the vows he took and you apparently don't have the same convictions when it comes to marriage. Do you really want to continue with that? Get out and let yourself heal! When/If you ever feel ready again, find a man who respects you and loves you who REALLY meets your criteria!
GL!
Trish,
I understand that you are heart broken and would like to save your marriage. Do you really think that he is still in contact with this girl and not being intimate with her? Really?
Take a little time to put your finances and life in order and leave this marriage. Actually, ask him to leave. He will do it eventually anyway.
Maybe there were other problems but he made the decision to end his marriage when he had an affair and then continued to be in contact with her. He has made his decision....now make yours!
Good luck!
I am so sorry. I am all for working on your marriage and I agree about taking your vows seriously, we did too. The problem here is though you took them seriously he is not and it is not fair to you, or your daughter, to sit back and be treated this way. I find it odd that he is willing to take care of you for so long after leaving as well...he wants his cake and eating it too. He needs a wake-up call and kicking his butt to curb may be the thing it takes. I am not saying to stop the counseling but you don't have to suffer through it, make him move out and see what he is missing.
Trish,
My heart is breaking for you. I have been there.
Take the shattered pieces of your heart and self-esteem and let him go. He doesn't deserve you. If you are worried about what others think, don't. Nobody knows what it's like to walk in your shoes. If you are worried about your daughter not having a daddy in the home, don't be. He is a horrible role model and she will thrive when she sees you being strong and happy again. The Bible allows a woman to move on when the husband leaves the marriage. He left the marriage and you are free to move on, biblically. Giving your husband the freedom to continue talking to his girlfriend is the ultimate blow to your self-esteem and he is a coward to not make the right decision for you. He either needed to leave the girlfriend altogether or leave you altogether. He is too weak to do either. Do yourself a favor. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and kick his cheating butt to the curb. Get a great lawyer, and get what is rightfully yours. Do it afraid. Walk through the fear and hold your head up high. Do it for you and do it for your daughter. She deserves so much better than this. And so do you. Best Wishes, B. Walker P.
Trish,
I say hang on for awhile. Keep going to counselling, keep trying and keep praying. It may be a year before things turn-around, but if you stick with it and make it through this awful time, the two of you will be that much happier and stronger.
Think about how long a marriage of a lifetime lasts... I've been married 24 years and I'm 45.... one of our 24 years was awful for lots of reasons... one out of 24 isn't bad, and if we live to be old folks we could be married another 30 or more years! So one year, in a young marriage, is not that long to give. Give it some time and some hope.
Hi Trish,
I agree with the some of the other resposes. He has told you he no longer wants to be in this relationship, and the more you force him to, the more he will pull away. Are you even happy? Don't force a marriage because of your vows, when he is having an affair and being disrespectful to you. Your daughter is going to see how your husband treats you, and will think that it is okay for a woman to accept a man that lies to her. Be a strong role model for her. Sit down and really think about why you want to stay married--even you only come up with because we took a vow and financial reasons, then you need to move on.
Trish-
I'm so sorry for you & your daughter. It must be heartbreaking to have this trust broken, but please have more respect for yourself. This man is telling you he's done with you and done with the marriage. By letting him have his cake and eat it too, you're only prolonging the inevitable. Obviously he's not taking the vows seriously so why hold him to them? If he was serious about the counseling and rehabing your marriage, he would gladly cut off all ties with her, but it doesn't sound that way.
I know your DD is young, but if she was older, would you want to be setting this kind of example for her? Showing her it's OK for a man to treat his wife like this. Of course not.
Telling him to get out is not an unreasonable request. Grant him the divorce and move on. I know it's hard and scary as a SAHM, but no woman should be absolutely 100% dependant on her man, ESPECIALLY when you have children. You seem like a smart woman and I'm sure you will make the right decision for you and your daughter. Best of luck to you both.
I believe that marriage is forever. However, if the husband is having an affair and unwilling to stay true to you and your marriage, you can't force it to work. It takes both of you, and you have to think more of yourself than giving your husband your blessing to continue with the affair in order to keep him in your home. That is not healthy.
Counseling is a great idea, but my best advice to you is to pray for your husband's heart to change and for your marriage to survive.
an affair I don't really know but my husband and I have had our share of VERY difficult times in our marriage so I have spent my share of time thinking about what I would do if something like this happened; and, I concluded, for myself and based on my own Christian beliefs, that I would work as long and as hard as possible to give my marriage every chance possible. (I have been married/divorced before giving me some perspective on "giving up") Having said that, I also concluded that while we working on the marriage did NOT necessarily mean I would live under the same roof that entire time. Seperation does not necesarrily have to mean divorce. BUT I think if you are going to work on a marriage both parties have to be totally committed to doing the next right thing. What does the marriage counselor say about him having continued relations with the other worman? What does YOUR counselor say? Yes, I think you personally need help with dealing all this and the RIGHT kind of counselor can be a God-send. and by Right kind of counselor.. one who's agenda's and philosophies are inline with your own. I will be praying for you, good luck, B.
It sounds like your husband is not 100% committed to your therapy and marriage. He should not be allowed anymore contact with this girl at all. He had an emotional affair as well as a physical one, and that is the worst kind. You need to demand better for yourself and your daughter. The best thing is to kick him out and seperate if he is not willing to cut off all contact and work on why he did this in the first place with you, and you need to work on what you did to contribute to this. I have been down this road before and I feel your pain. I personally never got over the betrayal and ended up divorcing, which is no picnic. Do you love him and want this to work out? Does he still love you? If he does he will do what you ask and move forward. If he won't you need to let him go.
