How Do I Cope with the Terrible Two's

T. - The twos are so hard, even when you're not going through everything else you are going through. I am so sorry and sending you as much positive energy as I can. One thing I have found to be wonderful in these hard times is www.freecycle.org. You can ask for things, offer things when you need to let them go, and everything has to be free. Take care & just keep taking deep breaths. It will get better. C.

Dear T.,
Thank you for reaching out and thank you for taking your son to a friends when you reached your boiling point. I'm sorry you are going through hard times right now. These are difficult times all around. But remember when you don't have anything, the one thing that you do have is your son. Your baby boy! He needs you right now. He needs you to be strong for him. He may feel your stress or just have so many emotions he doesn't know how to deal with them himself so he is acting out. Believe it or not, a Christmas with nothing can be the best Christmas you've ever had. Spend time with your son. REALLY, spend time with him. Turn off the tv, computer, phone etc. and connect with your son. Talk about dinosaurs, zoo animals, space ships, pirates, etc. Make believe with him. Read to him. Take a walk. Sing Christmas carols. Bond with your son. Look around your area for free Christmas activities the two of you can share. Try to enjoy the many blessings that he is. There is nothing in this world better than a son! There is no greater blessings than a child! If he acts up, practice your time outs. Now is the time to teach him. Give him one minute in time out per year of life. Put him in time out gently and with a quiet voice. If he gets up, put him in again, and again until he stays for the entire time. Before you know it, when you say time out, he'll run to the spot and wait till you tell him to move (believe it or not). Remember to tell him why he is getting a time out. Just remember, he is only two years old, he is only two, keep repeating that. The more you let him push your buttons, the more he's going to push.
Try to have a nice Holiday season! This is a great year to make it about love, family and tradition!
With prayers!
V.

First, know that you are not alone. Lots of us understand EXACTLY where you're coming from. You and your whole family have had a very stressful time...and the last month ALONE has involved lots and lots of changes for you AND your son, who has undoubtedly also had changes in routine and care.

Second, don't be afraid to call on whatever support network you have to help you through this stressful time. Try to set up a few times a week for him to be with friends or other family, so that you can see a light at the end of the tunnel when he's really testing you.

Third, know that part of the reason he's acting out is because developmentally, he is trying to figure things out. Remember that he's two, and that you are TEACHING him every moment. When he's getting wild or acting up, take a VERY deep breath before you let words come out of your mouth. Remember that you do have control over what you teach him and what you say to him.

Fourth, remember that he is also acting out as a reaction to your stress. He can tell that you are struggling too, and acting out is his way of saying it, because he doesn't have another way yet. Using words with him like, "I can tell you're feeling frustrated." or "I can tell you're having a hard time waiting." give him another way to express what's going on in his little mind.

Fifth, know that there are other resources in the community if you really just need a break. Bay Area Crisis Nursery provides family support services confidentially at no cost. You can find them on the web...they are physically located in Concord. I know personally that it is incredibly difficult to ask for help, to admit that you can't do it all on your own...but otherwise you might be forced to accept it after things have already gone too far.

Know that many people will be praying for you and your family. We will be holding you close in our hearts as you face all of the challenges in your life.

I just want to say that my heart hurts with you. I am sending you all my healing energy today and this week. The holidays in fact. ITs never easy but you did the right thing by allowing someone to step in when you were at your end. I swear by a book called "raising your spirited child" by mary sheedy kurcinka. I have 2 very spirited boys. 3 and 22 months and holy goddess, I question the addage, God gives you what you can handle. Try not to focus on what your "not"doing and more on what you "are"doing. Focus and reconnect with your little guy, he's still in there. He may be feeding of your distracted energy or anxiety. He needs to feel connection with you as well. You may also be stuggling with some identity since becoming a mom. I know I did. It'll come. But you have to have a strong foundation before you add something to your life. Secure that connection with your angel in disguise. Make sure he's secure in his love and getting enough attention and reassurance. Economic times are teaching us the true meaning of the holidays, being together. No one can afford gifts, don't worry. Be together, truly, its all we got. If you don't love and feel secure at home first, the outside will seem to crumble, maybe even when its not. I think at 2 its a bit much of an adjustment to you leaving the house. You can't force him to accept it. His actions may be your cue that he doesn't want to share you. I don't know, I just wish I had some words to help. I feel you. Healing Energy...

Hi T.,

I just said a prayer for you. I hope, at least while you read these responses, you feel the love and support that is coming your way. Read them often.

Your concern for how to cope with your son shows your love for him. The fact that you knew you needed to leave him at a friends house for a "cool down" period shows that you know yourself. You are acting responsibly. You are doing the best you can in a rotten situation. Good for you.

Continue to ask for help and support anywhere you can. Take short time outs for yourself and just breathe. Remind yourself what a strong, capable woman you are (even when you feel weak).

Do your best to spend meaningful time with your son. 10 minutes of "special time" in a day (time when you play whatever he wants - you can do anything for 10 minutes) goes a long way to reassuring him.

Get outside as much as possible. Fresh air and sunshine is good for both of you - and the more time he has to run around the better.

Avoid power struggles when you can - simply redirect and distract him. Tell him "no" firmly and take him out of the situation. Don't try to reason with a two year old - they can't do it.

Take advantage of library story times and any other free events for children. It structures the day, gets you out of the house, puts you in contact with other mothers and is fun. Note that some community parks and recreation departments or community-based programs offer financial assistance for their programs. They do not usually advertise this, so pick up the phone and ask.

Make sure that you do your best to take care of yourself. I know this is hard when you feel bad. But getting enough sleep, drinking water, eating healthy food (make sure you are getting protein and some fruit or veggies) are really important. It greatly impacts your ability to cope with stress. If you do not take care of yourself, you will be less able to take care of your son. Make yourself a priority.

Don't worry too much about Christmas. Your son is young. He does not need much. He will be just as happy with toys from the dollar store or second hand toys as he will with fancy new things. The most important thing about the holidays is the tone at home. You can be festive without money. Put up homemade decorations and sing Christmas carols. Let go of your judgements and self-criticisms - it serves no purpose but to make you feel bad. It's not worth it.

When the big picture feels overwhelming, just look at what's in front of you. If you are out for a walk and you are stressing in your mind about bills, jobs, etc. Stop yourself. The worry does not accomplish anything. Instead, focus on what is happening in this particular moment. Interact with your son. Notice the sunshine. Remind yourself that "in this moment, right here, right now - I'm ok"

Share how you feel with your husband. When times are tough, you need to stick together.

T., I know things will get better. In the mean time - just muddle through the best you can. And know that women all over are cheering you on.

Warmly,
C.
ps. I have an article available on my website (www.therapy4moms.com) called "92 ways to Save your Sanity: Tips for moms who take great care of their kids but feel like they could 'lose it' at any moment." There may be some useful tips for you - it may be stuff that you know already. But it can't hurt to check it out.

I second everything Molly and Catherine say, and I will add that it's great that you have a friend who can take him for a while when you've had enough, but also I want to reassure you that his hitting and biting behaviors are normal and don't take them too seriously or overreact to them.

I'm sending you my positive energy ...

T.,

I am sorry that you are struggling right now. It will get better~ I think your son is acting out because he is picking up on your stress and frustration. Take some time out for just the two of you to go to a park, read books together and reconnect. As much as you can try to be patient with him-- he is acting in the way that he feels and 2 year old's don't know how to express their feelings in the correct way. When he bites you, tell him no firmly and say that hurts mommy. Ask him to use his words if he is upset. I know that the economic times are really hard right now-- but you will get through it. Maybe you could get a jump start on a new job by looking for seasonal holiday positions while you look for a permanent job? There are lots of retailers hiring right now--Macy's, gottchalks,See's Candy etc. Also when you are feeling maxed out and can't handle it anymore, tell him that you NEED a timeout and you are going to have a timeout by yourself. Set the timer and follow through. Most kids don't like seeing their mommy in timeout so they stop what they are doing. If not at least you have a few minutes of peace to yourself to balance and calm your emotions.

I wish you the best in your job search, your family life and your self esteem! YOU are worth it!!

Take care,

Molly

First, he is only testing his boundries...So, stand your ground. Second, if you change your term from TERRIBLE twos to CURIUOS twos...It will change your attitude and view of this amazing time...I love the twos, they are the time that the kids grow and explore. I will pray for you to go through this time. Stand your ground.

You sound like you are going through a lot right now, I hope that things work out for you soon!

I just wanted to give my two cents about your son. My daughter turned into the terrible two monster as well. It's taken me almost the whole year to figure out how to get her under control. I finally came up with a plan. I wrote down all the things I expect her to do and put them on a poster board (like saying please and thank you, being kind to others, etc). Each time she does what she is supposed to do she gets a sticker on her board. If she does something against the rules, even if it's the littlest thing, she gets a 2 minute time out. The key is to be consistant. I have found that by doing this, I've taken control (not her) and her attitude has totally turned around. That's not to say that she still doesn't have her moments, but she is getting better.

Hope this helps.

There has been a lot of good advice so far (especially using public parks -we use them constantly). Just want to reiterate that consistant discipline is the key. The same poor choice of behavior results in reprimand every time, no matter if it's daddy or mommy doing the discipline at the moment. My son is in his two's as well. We use a lot of time outs (we use a special chair just this, not his room), taking away favorite toys and occasionally spanking. I realize that spanking is a very touchy subject an a personal choice, but it does have a small place in our family. Taking away toys for a day or an evening seems to work best right now. He can have them back the next day. He gets a spanking when he refuses to stay in time out - just one swat on the thigh to get his attention.(this is after several months of learning what time out means, you can't just start spanking right off the bat when he doesn't stay in place) No one method will work all the time. My son sometimes chooses to misbehave and thinks he can choose his punishment (he will say "I go time out")and that's when we have to start mixing it up - he doesn't get to choose his punishment or it is not a punishment is it? After evey punishment when he has calmed down, he is given a calm, rational explanation about why he was punished. "You made a poor choice to hit your sister and Mommy did not like it. It hurts your sister. That is why you were in time out. Mommy loves you very much but did not like your choice of behavior". Never tell your child they are "bad" but just that they made a poor choice. Choices can always be corrected. Feeling bad about himself/herself cannot. Remember that two year olds cannot reason. Remember that you are in charge, you are mommy (even though it doesn't always feel that way).Two year olds are developing an understanding of language at a faster rate than they emotionally are maturing. They understand a lot of what you say, but have little impulse control or reasoning skills. One cannot reason with a two year old. It is also their job as a two year old to test the waters and boundaries and test out being more independant or else they never will learn and grow. It is our job to teach them the boundaries in life.Two's don't last forever. You will do fine. I'm sorry for your financial situation. I wish I had words of wisdom for you there, but I do not. Many are struggling right now. Good luck to you.

Hello T., I am a mother of 4 girls, 3 of them are all grown up and a 15 year old going on 30. I went thru many
times with your situation. You're not alone. The magic healing is a lot patience and undertanding that your little one is only 2. He needs your help in keeping him in control.
The first thing you need to do is keeping in control with your emotions. A child can sense how you are feeling. He's responding to it. A child can see when you're angry and sad. a child can hear your angry and sad voice. Your little one is only reacting negatively to what is going on around him.

It was a very good idea that you asked your friend to care for him when you couldn't handle him. But you can't do this
all the time. As a parent our commitment is to deal with good
and bad situations. Next time the biting happens, try to deal
with it, your little one will appreciate you more.

There are many reasons why a child bites: A child's vocabulary is limited, wanted more positive attention,
and maybe he's teething.

Your little one is more important than anything. You'll find another job, but you can't find another little one like yours. My philosphy in life for my 4 girls is to love them UNCONDITIONALLY AND DEAL WITH ANY SITUATIONS OR PROBLEMS POSITIVELY. T., YOU CA DO IT. I wish you the best.

Hi T. - I have gone through the same issues with my son. Just know that things will absolutely get easier. I found with my son the only thing that worked was staying calm and pleasant. It is hard work and exhausting but it works. When he threw fits I spoke soft and stuck to my guns. If he wanted to scream and cry he had to go to his room until he was calm. I hope things get better for you. Good luck and keep your head up :)

He will be worse when he sees that you are stressed so try to conceal that as much as possible. Discipline consistance is a must. He has to know you will follow through or he will ignore you. When my son bit me I bit him back and he never did it again. You don't have to bite them hard just show them it hurts and they don't expect it.

Even in the best of mental health (depressed or not) it is not easy to keep your patience with a 2 year old. I don't have a lot of advice to offer except that I've there too and lost my temper with a 2 year old.

Try looking for community resources that offer services to families. We have a local Adult School where I live and I've found them to be an excellent source of information and support. (and a way to get out of the house.) I'm sure if you talk to them about your financial situation, something could be worked out.

Best wishes to you. And don't even stress about Christmas. It's all over rated. My husband and I do not buy each other gifts and we maybe buy our kids one or two things because our house is so small - there's no room for more stuff... which is fine by me because it's less we have to clean. They are so young, they don't really know the difference and they are more happy to play with the packaging and boxes so don't stress too much about Christmas. Don't buy for others if you can't afford it - just tell them honestly this is a hard time and maybe next year - people should understand.

Hi T.,

You are definately going through a lot in your life right now. Clearly you are stressed and having a difficult time finding a balance. I have 3 little ones myself ages 4, 2, and 1. I completely understand the feeling of being overwhelmed. I am sure that your little one is doing typical 2-year old stuff but not having your husband around to support you can be very challenging for you and your son. Also, whatever you are feeling your son is feeling so he may be acting out due to that. It sounds like you were home for the last year until this new job. The transition of you starting this job may have been to difficult for him and in return he's acting out. Children do well with routine, too much variation can be very difficult for some children. I know that it is easier said than done but make it a point to have some one on one special time with you little one. Hug him, play with him, read to him, what ever he enjoys. You will both get so much out of it. As for the holidays around the corner, don't stress. The best thing you can do for your little one is give him lots of love and attention. At this age material things and gifts don't really mean much anyways. I can see what a devoted mom you are. You obviously are trying to provide for you family and are doing you best. Hang in there...

Hi, T.,
I am so sorry you are going through such a trying time. It seems you did the right thing by taking your son to a friend's house while you took some much needed time to cool down. Unfortunately, at your son's age, you will need a lot of patience, something you don't have, because of the stresses in your life. I will send you good energy to help you through this difficult time. I remember when my son was that age. It WAS hard, but then I read something that helped me change the dynamic of my relationship with my son entirely. I pretty much got rid of the tantrums overnight! It seems that they throw tantrums out of frustration and neediness, so I would step back from my irritation and just give him a big, long hug when he would start having tantrums, instead of fighting them. He would just grow calm and his attitude would change so that we could continue to have a nice moment after the hug was over. it seemed to work! Also, giving warnings before something changes is another great way to avoid tantrums. For instance, if you are at a park, give him a 5 minute and a 2 minute warning that it is time to go home. That way, you are not springing something on them, expecting to be ready to do something at your beck and call. Once I started giving my son warning time limits, it was never an issue with him. Even with TV, I would give him a warning when I was turning it off in five minutes, so that when I did it, there was no fuss. The biggest fusses and tantrums came when I did not give him warnings and just pulled something out of my hat and expected him to fall in line just because I told him to. Try out these techniques and you may find that they will help alleviate some of the problems. I hope your situation improves. THere are many mothers out there praying for you, whether they write to you or not....just know that.
best.

Oh, my dear...you definitely are in need of the Mamasource Magic, aren't you?

Big hugs...warm thoughts...

Okay, now listen. You are depressed. You need to go see a doctor and tell him/her what you are going through (which is too much, by the way). Get some help. THink of it as a Christmas gift to your family -- that Mom will be there emotionally for them. Make the appointment tomorrow, and if you need to, find a low-cost clinic in the area. Search under Mental Health clinics.

Next, you did the PERFECT thing when you took your son to a neighbor's house. There isn't a mom on this board who has not had that same moment -- and you handled it brilliantly. Talk to this neighbor when you are not stressed, and ask if you can rely on her to give YOU a time out when you need it. Twos are tough. We all know that. Ask for help, take it when it is offered.

Let's get you a new job. It sounds as though you were working retail. Get your resume together, and go to these websites -- send out your resume! And look for a job with better pay and with benefits -- THAT will make you feel loads better:

www.monster.com
www.careerbuilder.com
www.simplyhired.com
www.alljobsearch.com
www.indeed.com
www.beyond.com
www.hotjobs.yahoo.com
www.careernetwork.com
www.craigslist.org
www.employmentcrossing.com
www.job.com
www.collegegrad.com
www.thejobsource.com

If your resume is looking ratty, send it to me in private email and I'll fix it up for you free of charge. Think of it as an early Christmas present, okay?

You'll be okay -- but you gotta go get some help. It's here, just ask.

HUGS!!!!

J.

Havee you thought about counceling? Most counties have an adult mental health services department that offers low and no cost counceling for adults with no health care insurance, they also offer medication for depression and anxiety for those who need it. I know how you feel as I have been there myself. It may be time for you to go and talk to a doctor and get some help so that you can feel better.

I just wanted to say that I am sending positive thoughts, prayers and energy your way. Make sure that your son does not feel your negative energy because he will feed in to it. But make sure you tell him biting is unacceptable. Make sure you stress-NO Biting whatsoever and put him in a time out. If he does this in a day care setting they will send him home so you have to stop the behavior. I know it is hard, but it gets better. He may need to get out more. Sometimes more air whether it is hot or cold will help the days and help him alieviate that energy. You are a great mom if no one has told you that lately. One because you love your son enough to get help and two just because you are!!!

I'm so sorry about what you're going through right now. My experience is that lots of time out in parks can be so helpful at this age. It seems like part of what's going on at this age is that kids are trying to express themselves but lack the language, which leads to biting, hitting, etc. Particularly boys. Try and notice if there's a pattern that leads to up the behavior you really can't stand. Are there things that he or you do that leads in the direction of biting? If so, try and head those off at the pass. As an example, my daughter didn't bite, but did hit a fair amount for a couple of months. I came to notice that she is keenly aware of when I or my husband is too close for her comfort and/or making really intense eye contact during conflicts. She would react by hitting to change the situation. So I realized I (at least try to) resolve situations by providing a little more distance and a little less eye contact. It helped. Just an example.

Also try and start talking about feelings, if you're not already, and laying the groundwork for him to express himself with words instead. I don't really support time outs at this age, but that's a very individual matter. I formed this opinion from reading Positive Discipline 0-3 by Nelsen--you might want to check it out. It's totally natural for us to feel like we can't handle our kids when they're heading into new territory--we actually need to learn a lot of new things, develop new skills in coping, and basically become a new parent in response. I'm feeling this way all over again as my daughter approaches three.

It sounds like you really need support around your job situation, and that will help your overall feelings including parenting. Best wishes.

Hi T.!

I have just finished saying a prayer for you and your family.

I am so sorry for your stress. Just know that you are not alone out there. Many of us are dealing with the same thing, at least in my circle of friends and family. It is very depressing, but we need to all figure out our way through it.

About your 2 yr old. Yeah, what timing!

It sounds to me like you are being put through an emotional test. God needs you to know how beautiful and strong of a mother/wife/woman you really are. You may not have been "listening" to him before, that's why he has to get your attention at a time where it really matters to you.

Your priority is actually simple.....it's not a job, it's not extra money, it's not even your home.....it's simply your son. You need to try, so hard, to just be his loving "guide". It's so hard at his age, with all the biting and hitting and "NO's".....Take this time to master your motherly role and learn how to get the best of him.

It will all be ok, T.. Just keep hanging in there!

~N. :o)

Okay T., I tend to be blunt but it is just my way of giving advice. It sounds like you are depressed and need to go talk to a professional. Not having a job and then getting laid off after a short time is hard to deal with. As for your son, it doesn't sound like the terrible two's. It sounds like it is you. I say this because, you admitted you feel awful, "Hit by a mac truck" and I think he is picking up on this and acting out. Our kids pick up on everything. If you have changed and your attitude towards him has changed, how can you expect him not to react? He is two and doesn't understand why mommy is being different. So kids act out so they can get any attention they can get, even if it is the wrong attention. The fact that you have another name for your son, "skippy" worries me. Don't do that, it makes it real and puts a negative association with a normal behaviour. Your son is not the bad one, he is acting normal, you are acting depressed, probably short-tempered, not as affectionate as you were etc. You should look to getting yourself some help and take care of you and your son while respond accordingly. Also, talk to your husband, bring friends over to keep you from thinking too much about not having a job. Focus on being able to spend time with your son and look at making a budget if money is tight. There is a lot of positive things you can do to make your situation barable. Just so you know I am not being harsh, I am currently at home with my kids while my husband works. I have always worked and not having a job drives me crazy. Money is tight, Christmas, well let's not think about how we are going to pay for gifts, it is hard. I focus on enjoying my children, 3 and 7 months, take them to the park etc. When it comes to the bills, I pay them, wish things were different then move on. Don't dwell, focus on the positive. Easier said then done, I know, but when you do you will be surprised how you and your son will be. Take care of yourself and I wish you well.

First, you are in my prayers. So many people these days are finding it hard to juggle all that life throws at us. The stress of lossing your job rather you know it or not is felt by the little one. Second, he is also a 2 year old, I think it is their job to live up to the " terrible two's" name. Lastly,it was a good thing you brought him to a friends, you needed that time. You know when fly on a plane and they also tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourslef first? I know that is hard to do, put yourslef first, make sure you are healthy, calm, and relaxed. That way you can handle what life is throwing at you right now. You shall overcome!!!
Happy Thoughts

Boys are so wonderful and he's still your baby boy- he's just bigger. You are his advocate and his teacher. You are the mom- don't engage w/him when he does something like biting or having a temper tantrum- because it can escalate. There is a reason you are home w/your son now and work is not working out- what a blessing to be able to be home w/him at all bc he will grow so fast you will miss these days. Does sound like you could use counseling to help yourself feel happier and make this more manageable! Never forget some people are not able to have kids and would give anything in the world to be in your situation.
I hope I don't sound judgemental, I just see a lot of positives in your situation. And if you need a break, call upon a friend to help you. Best!

I said a prayer for you and I 2nd everything Carrie said. Blessings to you and your family

I feel for you and this is not going to last forever. For every minute that is passing, the time of pain is also passing. Every time you have a negative thought, replace with a positive one and practice saying to yourself that everything is fine and will get better. Make a list of all the things you are thankful for and you will get more to be thankful for. Tell yourself everyday that you are beautiful and full of love for yourself and others. Practice smiling a lot and you will find a lot more reasons to smile. I am practicing with you and sending you all my positive engery.

And, think of all the things you can do now with your time and with you child. I personally don't feel comfortable with 'terrible twos' label. It is not okay because a two year old's brain is not developed enough to use logic and reasoning. I wonder what they would do if they really understood what we call them:) I replace it with 'terrific twos' because they do have the ability to express their needs and love and how they appreciate little things. And when they are frustated, they just don't know how to express it. It is not easy to keep patience and be calm when kids do something that we find unacceptable. Positive reinforcement and gentle reminders may help but what helps most at this age(in fact at any age) is redirection to some other activity so a kid knows there are other options rather than trying to have them understand why such and such is not okay. It is important to practice being calm if we want our kids to be calm. I am still working on it with my now 4yrs old and good luck to you too.

Always love yourself just because it is you.

-Rachna

T., You may be depressed, but you may also just be feeling like any of us would in your situation. To me your feelings are situational. You could seek professional help, but how about just talking to friends and family. I read the other postings briefly, but I don't think I saw that any one suggested you talk to your husband. He is your partner. I went through something similar right after my son turned two. I felt as if I was doing it all. I was working full time, taking my son to childcare, and doing most of the housework. I was ready to melt down, and I had lost all patience with my son. When I (in tears) talked to my husband about it, we worked out a way that he could handle taking my son to childcare giving me some alone time in the mornings.

Soon, I discovered it was really difficult for me to work and be a mom (I'm a teacher). I found that I couldn't give what the children at school and their parents needed and have anything to give to my son at the end of the day.

I quit my job, and it's been hard (loss of income, not knowing what to do with myself, etc.). I have however found a local playgroup through meetup.com, I take my son to the local library for nursery time, and my husband took some money out of his savings account to buy us a gym membership. He also took a pay cut to change his hours, so that he gets up early in the morning and is home most days by 3:30 (around the time our son wakes from his nap) to take over parenting while I have me time and cook dinner. We are making lots of sacrifices so that parenting is manageable for me. We also rely on both sets of grandparents to give us time-outs and date nights.

It is good you are reaching out to us moms at mamasource, now reach out to your family, friends and community.

Hugs,

J.

T.,

I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that your son probably is not, in fact, the incarnate of evil, though he may be easily mistaken for it at this time. More likely, he might be picking up on your stress and perhaps it puts him on edge too. I understand the unemployment thing, I'm in that boat too but I don't have any youngsters to contend with which I'm sure compounds all other stressors. It sounds like you need to find some ways to cope, so that you can come back to him relaxed. Have you considered finding some sort of practice, like yoga and meditation? It might sound like a waste of time when you're looking for work and raising a kid, but it might help you feel more effective in both of those endeavors. Good luck. And I am sending you positive energy. (Try to remind yourself of how much you have to be grateful for this Thanksgiving, even if it doesn't always feel like it. It really helps to take it in on a deep level.)

Prayers to you for a great job, good health, wisdom and patience in parenting! I'm glad you are a person of prayer, b/c I will validate this: parenting toddlers, I believe, is the most challenging time of a woman's life. I know this as I have a 10 1/2 yr old (youngest) and a 14 year old. Don't let anyone tell you that teenage parenting is as hard or harder. It just insn't true. You are going thru the hard part now, and if you keep reaching out to others, you are going to make it. I have some quick advice: use your creative energy to pull in as many resources as possible--get into a mom's group, find church programs where you can get your needs met while you have some (free) childcare respite, and take care of your own needs in as many ways as possible so you don't face this challenge of parenting in a constant state of 'deficit.' Deficit is what you described in your question: emotionally and financially. Staying connected with other moms and friends that filled me up (even if they didn't have kids) was such a key to my survival. One other side note about your child: I'm sure you've heard this before, but structure and consistency with toddlers is the only way to successfully parent them. Since I wasn't a natural at this, I had to learn it on-the-job. Children bite out of a desperate attempt to get control. Toddlers tend to feel safer when the structure of their day is predictable. You might try writing out a daily routine that you think you can stick with so that he begins to predict what is going to happen next 'with' you. This may help to minimize those tantrums and power struggles. (Example: if he knows he'll get snuggle, bath, or favorite story right after mom cleans up the breakfast dishes b/c that happens every day, then he will usually have a better emotional tone while the dishes are being cleaned up--it may take a couple of weeks of regularity). I found it pretty hard to stick to a schedule, even when I had the option to do this but when I did, it really helped. My prayer for you is that you would experience joy in the midst of all of this!

Hi T.,

What you're experiencing is so normal. I'm sure all of us who have older children have all been there, done that. I'm glad you have a neighbor that you can leave your child with you feel overwhelmed, that's the best thing you can do for yourself.

Do you have a set schedule at home? I found that having a set schedule, making sure I always had snacks, juice, water, diapers with me to take care of the basic needs helped tremendously. Once you set a schedule, stick to it = you really cannot be flexible as it will reflect in the child's behaviour. You have to be consistant. Tell your child what you expect of him and before any transition (lunch, play, etc) tell him that in five minutes you are going to have lunch, play at the park, leave the park, etc. Most of my child's tantrums occured when she was hungry and tired.

Is there a Mommy and Me group in your town? If so, I recommend it.

If your neighbor is willing to help out on a regular basis, plan some down time for yourself - even if it's just sitting alone reading a magazine for a half an hour.

I think the two's and three's are the toughest years.

Best wishes to you.

Your son is not to blame for your employment woes... I have been in your shoes as a single mom with a very difficult 2yo

Look for the good in him, find the joy and look for his strengths because at two he is discovering himself and letting it show. Of course biting hurts, but why is he biting? Is he standing up for something he believes in, is he showing a passion for something he loves, is he demanding his independence from you, is he hungry or angry??? This is your time to get to know the raw human inside your little boy, to find out what makes him tick, what inspires him and what he loves... Find these things within his evil and you will learn the secrets to guide him through a successful life..

My oldest - is now a freshman at UC berkeley - -

My second is a straight A student in 8th grade and a prima ballerina (she is the snow Queen in the Nutcracker this year)

I have 5 in all - hated the twos everytime and Not looking forward to my last round coming up this summer and yet I am because thats when my sweet little boy will finally feel safe to be himself for a year...

Your son is acting out because he feels your stress. One thing a mother must always do is to make her child feel safe and secure and not let them see you sweat. You need to look at him as "the good thing in your life" while everything else is a little haywire. What ever you are going thru right now will be temporary. Next year at this time you will be in a completely different place and this will just be a vague memory. If you are a single mom with a minor child, there are programs you can use to help you over the hump, that's why they are put in place. Go apply for foodstamps and such while you diligently look for a job that will satisfy you. Don't look so much for good pay, look for something that you will actually enjoy doing. Working at doing what you like to do always makes you more productive and your pay scale will follow. Good luck, hang in there, and keep your nose in the classifieds.

The two's are hard-and I am not sure they ever stop! But I think your son is in tune to your stress and emotions-and that might be affecting him as much as his age. I am so sorry for your job and financial troubles. I have no idea what kind of jobs you normally do, but right now is the perfect time to find something seasonal-which can often become something more. I would recomend someplace union, or someplace that gives great employee discounts. One Christmas when I was between jobs I worked at Costco-besides the no discounts, employees have it really good there!

I hope you made it through your weekend ok. Thank goodness for your friend. All my kids have bit me (as well as others) at least once. They don't mean it at that age-he does not know how else to communicate what he was feeling! But I know if hurt your feelings as much or more than your skin. The county offers free parenting classes, and the crisis nursery is there if you get desperate. But it is a phase-you'll get through this!
Good luck!

I will be thinking of you. You sound so terribly sad...maybe everything has got so much for you, that you are depressed. Bear that in mind when making decisions.

All I can say to you is, that as time passes, most things get better. It is the time of year that we feel everything should be perfect, and it magnifies any negative feelings that we have about life.

Find time, if you can, for reflection and well being. Walk in the autumn sunshine, eat something that makes you feel good, listen to music that lifts your spirits. Anything to make you feel that life is better than it feels right now.

xxx

First of all, THANK YOU FOR REACHING OUT!!!!!!! That seems to be the hardest thing for moms to do! Many times we feel like we should have the energy and patience to deal with everything life throws at us. It's VERY good that you have somewhere safe to take your son when you're feeling at your wits end, and it was the right decision.

Unfortunately, we can't always drop our kids off when we need to :( In those situations, it's best to take a few minutes to cool down. This also shows our toddlers that Mommy can get very angry, too, but look how she takes a few minutes to calm down. It helps them learn how to handle anger and frustration. There have been times when I just put my son (who's also 2) in his crib, closed the door, and come back downstairs. We each take a few minutes, and usually within 5 minutes, he's stopped crying, and I've calmed down.

It's amazing how fast our adorable, loving, laughing little boys can turn into someone we don't recognize!!!! It's enough to make a mom go crazy! But you're on the right track by accepting your feelings and reaching out for help. Find a play group, take him to the park (often!!), schedule a day each week that you can drop him off at your friend's for a few hours, etc. There are lots of outlets, but when we're in the situation, we can be short-sighted and feel like our world is crashing down around us. I don't know where you live, but my son and I would be more than happy to get together at a park and play!! Regardless, I'll be sending healing energy your way!

Hello T.,
I'm so sorry you are going through these hard times. It seems like everyone is having a hard time right now to some degree. I second what the other 3 ladies had to say and wanted to add a little more.
If you are thinking of getting a job during the holiday time try to find one at a place that will benefit you too. I was considering a position at a toy store, or Target so I would have a discount through the holiday time. Not only do you get a pay check, but you also get cheaper gifts. Another thought is Starbucks. They give medical insurance to even part time employees. The pay isn't much ($8 plus tips, or something like that) but you get one free drink after your shift, a free pound of coffee and insurance...what more could you ask for? (besides a good paying permanent position at a job you love).
Best of luck and I will keep you in my thoughts!!!!!
C.
PS. Sorry I'm not help for the terrible twos, but I know when I was having a hard time and was on maternity leave, walking REALLY helped me out. I would put my daughter in the stroller and either window shop or just walk around the neighborhood.

Dear T.,
I wanted to respond and let you know that you are not alone. I've been a single mother for 12 years which is difficult enough, but then I lost my job, I broke my leg, my disability ran out, my car died, my dad died, I asked for a review of our child support order because of my drop in income and in retaliation, my ex dragged me through custody court and got his support lowered to $70 which they made retroactive so even though he made $53,000 last year, I actually owe HIM money now. As if things weren't bad enough already. Needless to say I am trying to fight it but can't afford an attorney and he can. Not to mention the fact that I am still on crutches, live in a very rural area and even trying to get anywhere on the bus is practically impossible. All of this in the last year. There are days I just cry and cry because I have to get it out. But I do it while my son is at school and try to have myself pulled together by the time he gets home. You were very wise to give yourself a little break and let your son stay with a friend for a while because we all need time to just be able to shut our brains off sometimes. And if you need to to take a nice long bath and cry or call someone you can vent to, there is nothing wrong with it.
I honestly don't know how I hold myself together. I am so afraid sometimes, but I try to focus on what I do have. For now, I have a roof over our heads, my ex did not get custody of our son and my kid has already said he doesn't care about presents for Christmas as long as we are together. I feel terrible about it, but there just is no money. We will get out our trusty little fake Christmas tree and decorate it together and listen to Christmas music. I still have some crafting things from years past and we are going to make some ornaments to give to our friends and neighbors that have been so good to us through all our tribulations.
The other thing I do is pray a lot. And I am so thankful that I have raised a son who, every night when he says grace, thanks God for watching out for us and asks that we never forget those less fortunate than we are.
I know things can seem pretty bleak, but you just have to try not to be defeated by all of it. And it's not easy. You may want to talk to someone about getting some medication for anxiety and/or depression and talk about your feelings. "Use your words, Mama." Do what you can to try to keep your calm around your little guy. Get on the floor and play with him or bundle him up and go out exploring for leaves or bugs.
Try to be thankful for every day you wake up, for your son and your husband.
Oh, another thing I wanted to say is that they extended emergency unemployment benefits for some people. It was a miracle that I qualified even though it runs out in a few weeks, but a miracle, none the less. You should check into it.
I will keep you in my prayers! Don't forget to pray for others because even if you aren't a religious person, I think doing so brings good energy to you. And, trying to cheer someone else up, if you know another who needs encouragement, is a way of giving of yourself that requires no education or money, just a good and loving heart. Sometimes I see people who have so much and they still complain. I'd rather be someone who keeps my chin up when the chips are down, or I'm completely chipless.
You hang in there and you can write me anytime.

Blessings and best wishes!