How Do I Deal with a Fieanicse Living with Me Before Marriage

If they are ready to set up house, let them set up their own. You didn't mention how old they are, but I am assuming they both work. 2 years is a long engagement. Is he really ready?

Cut the umbilical cord! It is your house and your rules! If he is old enough to get married, then he is old enough to move out on his own and start accepting some responsibility for living as an adult. If they want to move in together, they can...just not under your roof!

Dear T.:

Here are some possible points...

"Living in my home will not give you a realistic view of marriage. It would be unfair to your relationship and I won't undermine it."

"I am your mother and I look forward to being a mother-in-law, not a landlord. That is a role I'm not comfortable with."

"Your focus should be on preparing your future home for your marriage. Staying here will derail your motivations."

"There are enough conflicts in new relationships without a false sense of intimacy. I would like to get to know your wife with both of us in our own spaces."

"I respect your fiance too much to reduce our relationship to one of tenant/landlord. Would you like to see us having conflict over petty differences regarding housekeeping?"

"I respect you as my son too much to allow you to compromise in this area. If you're prepared to marry, you must provide her with her own home and privacy."

"I am 51 years old and I respect myself too much to erode my privacy in my own home. 'No, thank you' to the roommate option."

Best wishes,

M.

If your son wants to eventually marry this girl, he needs to move out and get on his own feet first. If you want to help him out, maybe you could pay the security deposit and first month's rent on an apartment but leave it up to him to pay the rent. (Don't co-sign anything.) Then if he wants his fiancee to move into his on apartment, it won't be your responsiblity. There is not reason you should lose him over helping him to become a responsible adult.
Think about this: if she moves in with you, you will NOT be the woman of the house for long. Since she and your son are a couple, you'd become the third wheel and she will want to be in charge of the household. If you try to boss her, your son is most likely going to side with her against you.
It is better if they have their own place and you can visit them and they can visit you. Tough Love time. Good Luck!

I have been in this situation before, I am the fiance that moved in with the mother in law and son. Having said that DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN WITH YOU!!!! It was the biggest mistake of my life. I always felt like I could do nothing right and it got frustrating not being able to do what I wanted because she was always there. Then when WE (fiance and I) moved out I was accused of stealing her son and she wouldn't talk to us for a year. It was a very stressful time but we made it and my husband and I have been together for 12 years with 3 wonderful children. I have also worked out a relationship with my mother in law that works for everyone. So don't let her move in and I encourage you to let him move out and experience life with his fiance if that is their wish. Good luck!!!

T.:

I let my son's girlfriend live with us. It was a huge mistake. When things started to go sour in their relationship I found I was living in a war zone. My house was no longer my sanctuary. And after every fight they would make up and I would still be mad because they would yell, scream and toss accusations. And guess what, soon this girl made me the enemy! Instead of saving my relationship with my son, it caused big problems between us. He could not see that she was a lazy, non working sponge that spent all his money and wanted to spend mine too! I could write you a book, but please take the advice of someone that was in your shoes and DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN!
M.

PS Once they finally split and I got her out of my house, my son finally started telling me what I already knew, she was bad mouthing me and trying to put a wedge between us because of her own insecurities!

Hi T. I,
You are in charge of your home, your son wants to get married in 2 years. OK, his girlfriend needs to live at home, or get an apt with some girlfriends, she needs to continue her education, work full time or do something while your son is actively pursuing his program. She sounds very immature, and think about it for a minute...waiting for two years is forever. ALOT can happen in 24 months! She knows this and so does he, good for him to try and put a timeframe on the relationship, but she doesn't want to wait. It's obvious. Love is so powerful and yet they need to figure this out. Maybe both people's parents should sit down and discuss the impact of the decisions their children are making.
T., you are in charge of your home and you will not "lose" your son if you say NO. I bet you are paying for him now too. He sounds like a smart boy and will appreciate some outside help on this issue, otherwise wouldn't he have moved out already?
Good luck, D.

Hello, T.!

Would it work for you if the fiance moved in and slept in her own area/room until marrying-- out of respect for you and the atmosphere of Your Home?

This is of course only if you must share your home for the time being.

My very best to you! Godspeed.

T.

I don't think you will lose your son over this--unless he is an ingrate. I would urge you to NOT let them live there. If they are not able to be on their own, they certainly have no business being married! Being married is an adult responsiblity, and by living there, they are not acting like adults. Please encourage them to put off wedding plans, until he is on his own, by himself, like a man should be! Let them struggle a little! Life is not always easy and it pays to let them learn it on their own.

Hi T.~

Marla's response is great! Do not let her move in. I strongly believe that couples should wait until actual marriage before living together. They shouldn't try to cheapen their experience. A two year engagment is a little long, is it due to money? Or are they unsure and think that living together will give them the answer? Your son should use the two years to save money to provide a wonderful home to start out his family and have a wonderful wedding that they both pay for. If they are meant to be, waiting to live together will only enhance their relationship. I also waited two years due to money since we were married in Fiji. It gave guests plenty of time to save and join us. At first it seemed like it would take forever to start me new life, but time really does fly by.

And remember, your son will always love you. Be strong and do what you know is right for you and your family. Good luck!!

~W.

T.,

Stick to your guns, it is your house. If they are adult enough to live together, they are adult enough to get their own house. You won't lose your son. Having him move out and get his own life is the natural progression of things. Your relationship will change but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. If you let the girl friend move in and things get ugly, that could cause a huge problem in your relationship with your son.

T.

I agree with Ann. If your son is mature enough to become engaged, he is also mature enough to leave the nest. You won't be losing a son, and the possibilities are high that once you're out from under the pressure, you may learn to love and respect a new "daughter".

I'm closer to my sons than I've ever been since they left the nest.

Good luck and best of wishes to the happy couple.

Ann E and Yolanda are right. It's * your * home and if you don't like the situation (don't want a "stranger" living with you) then it's your right to say no, thank you, I'll pass. You should pass. Both of them being messy could just be the tip of the iceberg of problems. Do not say yes, because then you will end up regretting it. How can he marry anyone if he can't support himself, let alone a wife and family? HE needs to get on his own feet. Yes, it's always tough starting out, but that's just the way it is. What sort of plan does he have for his life? A time table? Then you'll that added burden on you. (Never co-sign on anything. If they get divorced, will all 3 of you be responsible for the debt? My friend's mother - back in Chicago - have a very sad situation right now. Their daughter married a "great guy" and had 2 children. She announced divorced (don't know why) he runs up a $25,000 debt on the credit card and guess who is responsible b/c they co-signed - her parents!)
Not fair and not right. They need some growing up to do. Call Dr. Laura see what she says.
http://www.drlaura.com/main/

T.,
You made the statement . It is your house and you pay the bills. They can live together when they get married. It is not your responsibility to take care of your adult child. If he thinks he is old enough to get married then he needs to act responsible.
Tell me NO and leave it at that.Your son will not hate you. If he does he needs to get his butt kicked.
Hang in there MOM.

I understand she wants to move in now but does he agree? If he's not ready & does not agree with her wish...then it will be easy for you to stand by his decision and not allow it to happen. Let's say he does agree with her, I suggest you give him the guidance he needs. It seems that he has found himself in a new situation which is supporting the one he loves as his partner & trying to maintain a respectful relationship with his Mom. It takes much wisdom to find that balance. I don't know your son's strengths but since he knows you don't want her to move in & he's asking anyway, then I'd say his priorities may be shifting to support her needs and he's looking to you for encouragement with this life long decision. It may be too difficult for him to fulfill both of you and he MAY end up supporting just hers. Since you mentioned you don't want to lose him, that may be too difficult for you to handle & it may all go in the wrong direction no matter how great your intensions are. If he's ready to have her move in, then why not make an agreement with them both? She seems to be needy or she wouldn't need to move in so soon. So on that note, if you offer her the support SHE'S looking for, I believe that will be a great way to show her you LOVE HER (and that you are NOT a threat to her relationship with your son) and that may lead to a great daughter/mother-in-law relationship between YOU TWO. Sit them down & make an agreement. How long will they live there? Commit yourself to allowing them to live there for JUST that time agreed. How much will they contribute each month to the household? What will the daily & weekly household responsibilities be for each of them? Agree to give them their privacy & tell them that their room is there own space but the rest of the house is to be kept just as you keep it. Give hugs & kisses. Welcome her to the family & tell each of them that if they are sure they want this & they're willing to agree...it will be a great start to a new life for all 3 of you. That way, your son will never have to feel like he has to choose between you 2 & he'll know that there's enough love in you for both his futrue WIFE & himself. Tell them you want to help them get started on a great futrue & you will help them. Make sure the engagement is official & that they set a wedding date. Ask them to open a saving account & set some goals. How much will they be saving each month for their wedding/own home. Do they have education/career goals already in place? Let them take advantage of the time under your roof to situate their lives on a successful path. The 2 years will fly by & before you know it, you will have guided your son & daughter-in-law towards a beautiful wedding, getting a home of their own & establishing a peaceful life together. They will appreciate your efforts, support & interest in their happiness. Don't close the door on him when he needs you the most...teach him suppoort, encouragement & responsibility. Good luck and take care.

I would just tell them that you are not comfortable having them live in your house. I would hope that your son would respect that and not force the issue, as well as speak to his fiance. If I was in this situation I would tell them that they should wait and live together after marriage.

It sounds like you don't want her to move in to your home, therefore you just have to tell her how you feel. It is your home. However, remember way back when all you wanted to do is be together because you were both soooo in love. You just have to talk to both of them and let them know you understand, but express your beliefs and values.

Dont allow yourself to be a push over!
This is YOUR home and if your son is ready to marry then he is also ready to be on his own.
If he hasnt already been helping you keep your home and put his OWN money into his daily living cost (food, shelter etc) then he is NOT ready to marry let alone have an extra person for YOU to also carry the burden of another person in the house.
If he wants to play house to someone then wish him well and be on his way....to his own place!
Or given the fact that he sounds like he's an adult, give him a time frame on when he needs to have found his own pad and stick to it...otherwise he just might stay there as long as he thinks he can!
Good Luck!

Hi T.,

It is your house and your son's fiance has no business moving in. If they want to live together, they need to find their own place. Keep your boundaries or you will regret it and resent her, which is not a good mother-in-law relationship.

V.

Hi T.,

I have two things for your to consider about this: 1) It is YOUR home, it shouldn't even be an issue. If you don't want her there no matter what the reason then she shouldn't even be "trying to move in sooner". 2)If they can't afford to live together OUTSIDE your home, then they should make that one of their goals - - to save up enough money or cut back on whatever they need to so they can make ends meet that way. My husband and I did not have alot of money at the beginning of our relationship but living with either parents was an option for us, due to our mutual belief that if our believe you are old enough to get married, then you should be mature enough to provide your own life for yourself.
Also, you say you don't want to lose your son. If you already have a good relationship, then this will just be the next step in that relationship. If your relationship is a little more work, the fiance moving in will just make it worse and then resentment could possibly set it. (I've seen it in my own family :( ) Good luck!

Absolutely not. You cannot lose your son just because you don't give him his way. You need to stand your ground. If they are old enough to get married, then they are old enough to get their own place if they want to live together. It is not normal for grown couples to live with their parents, unless it is a very temporary situation.

Part of getting married is leaving your parents and making a new life together. This includes their housing, working to support their house, food, clothing and lifestyle. Do not let them live in your house, you may never get them to leave! You will never loose your son, but you must pull back and let him live his own life, with the wife of his choice and all the choices they will make, together.
Let go mom,
E. H

This is your house, your rules. How old is your son? I believe he should respect your wishes and do things correctly. Marry and then live together in their own home. If his fiance cannot wait, then she is not for him.

Hi T. -

I'm not saying you SHOULD let your future daughter-in-law move in, but if you don't have any objection other than that you're worried they'll be messes to live with, then what you need to do is establish FIRM AND CLEAR ground-rules, just like they would have at camp or at school. (I make that sound easy, but truth is I'm a softie myself...but I do find if I make things very, very clear beforehand with my daughter, then things go well.)

So you could say, "OK, she can live here, but you will each have such and such jobs to do. We're all grown-ups and we all need to pitch in." This will be good experience for them to learn how to run their own home when they're ready. And I personally would insist on financial participation on their part as well. You don't want to end up paying for everything.

Once it's clear what everyone has to do, then it also has to be clear what will happen if they don't do it. You could even say this is all on a trial basis. You can't be expected to take care of a couple of adults, and that's life when they're out on their own -- they'll need to know how to take care of themselves.

Good luck,
Colleen

Hi T.,

If in your shoes, I would tell my son that maybe it is time for him to strike out on his own. I'd help him move and stuff, however, I would want him to learn how to live by himself before he gets married. That is me.

Well I dont have a son that old yet, but I opinion is that they should wait the 2 years but if it's your house and they do not pay rent make them to see if they are ready for such responsibility. Also if they are they should get a place of their own.

sincerely,
D. K.

Tell him and her the answer is NO! If they want to move in together let them find their own place to live, pay their own bills, and live in their own mess. With you they have a maid, cook and general housekeeper. DON'T DO THIS TO YOURSELF!!! I have a friend who allowed her daughter to move her boyfriend in, they have been married for 10 years and still haven't moved out. They don't help with the cleaning, cooking or pay their share instead they ask for special food and if they happen to buy any of their own food, the mother is not allowed to eat any because they bought it for themselves, yet they have no problem eating and using her stuff. She is at the point where she may move out of her own house just to get away. Make it easy on yourself--learn to say NO!!

I personally think that living with your fiance prior to marriage is a great idea. Indeed I think that all couples should do so in order to know what they're really getting into. I suspect the divorce rate would drop if more couples co-habitated prior to marriage.

That said, I absolutely agree that this woman should not be allowed to move into your home. If your son and this woman feel they're ready to move their relationship in that direction then they need to get their own space and live on their own. If they can't afford to do so then they're not ready to get married. I suspect that they're probably quite young and more than a bit naive about the world. The fact that they're engaged, but say that they're not getting married for 2 years says a lot to me. They're just not ready and until they're ready to live on their own and support themselves then they have to continue was is. Finally, what happens if after moving in your son changes his mind and wants out of the relationship? Where does the woman go? It's not always so easy to get someone out of your house once you allow them in. I'd pass...

Hi T.,
Tell your son as long as he lives under your roof he abides by your rules. Just because he asked her to marry in two years doesn't mean it will happen. Tell him to wait to live with her till they are married. Their marriage will be stronger for waiting to have sex. D.