Ok, so I could write pages on the background here, but one point of reference would be my in-laws and holiday expectations. We decided to travel back up for Thanksgiving and split the day as we always have. ANd from this point on will clearly communicate our plans WAY ahead of time. Now please know, that I do NOT have issues spending the holidays w/ our families. The problem has been the expectations and guilt we or I get if we attempt to split holiday time and push it off to different days. Last year I offered to host Thanksgiving at my home for BOTH sides of the family. I have always wanted to host, and thought it would be nice and save my husband and I some traveling and splitting of the day. Well my MIL and SIL all of a sudden announce they are working in the kitchen of a shelter that day as a "new" tradition, so no one from my husbands side came. And come to find out, they didnt actually nail down those plans w/ a charity. They just showed up that day and we turned away because they didn't sign up first.......And then we all went to MIL's that weekend for her Thanksgiving dinner. This is the kind of situation I have been dealing with ANY time we may need to alter plans with MIL or SIL. Again, I am not trying to not spend holidays w/ either side of the family.But with having our kids and me also having my own family, I have tried to get everyone to spread the celebrations out. Since then I have noticed a huge difference in the way my SIL treats me. My MIL just tries to guilt me to death. But SIL and I used to have lunch together and go shopping, not often but when she could "fit it in".
I started seeing that the ONLY time she would call us was when she needed something. Be it computer work as my husbands a whiz, or help with electrical problems either at their house or car shop. The last year or so they have blown off big things for us. My babys 1st birthday party, a HUGE party we threw and gave them over 6 weeks notice. My middle sons birthday this year etc. I could list more and more, and to clear it up now we have attended EVERY birthday party for their kids, and any event they have hosted. Which leads me to my anger right now. Every year they throw a huge party, We had heard nothing until the other day MIL lets it slip that it happened to be last weekend. We never received an invitation. Not written, verbal nothing. My husband immediately goes on the defensive saying they must have "forgotten" thought we wouldnt make the trip up, even though we have been back home 3-4 times since we moved two months ago. Regardless of the "reason" I am really hurt and offended. #1 I know the other siblings were invited, and even mutual friends. I know I shouldnt care, but I do. I feel like she is ticked at me because I don't and honestly can't cater to that side of the family like they do. All of her in-laws live out of state so she never has to even consider another side of a family. And the only other sibling who has in-laws close work out their own deal and nothings ever said because they all know he wont tolerate it period. So now that we'll be going up next month for the holiday, I am afraid I wont be able to contain my feelings about this. Its almost like the final straw. Not that I can end my relationship w/ them, but Im tired of being the bad guy for having a family too, and small kids who can't be drug all over the place just to please them! And to add, we happened to be in town the night of this party. My MIL called and told her that so we got the last minute pity invite, and "Oh I didnt know you guys would be in town"
If this whole thing gets brought up, Im really not sure how to respond......Its not worth being nasty or "crying" about it, but I have a hard time hiding my emotions! How do I handle myself?
Thanks mamas! I do realize that I just need to stand my ground and ask my husband to back me up. As hurt and angry as I am I still have tried to not rock the boat, and thats gotten me no where. My biggest issue with not getting invited to their party was the basic "message" behind it, and it was pretty blatant regardless if my husband refuses to see it that way or not.
I would much rather host than run around. Invite everyone. If they come great, if not, oh well. You said you just moved, trust me, you will tire of
Running and splitting holidays. Let your kids enjoy holidays at home.
Smile and take another sip of wine. :)
I wasn't able to finish reading your post. There is just too much drama. My first thought is why are you even attempting to deal with this? Ignore what extended family says or expects. Do what you want to do. And ignore any attempts to hook you into their drama.
Let your husband fight the battle it is his family. He needs to know how it makes you feel and I would be angry if it was me too. If they choose to be inconsiderate to you, you can follow with choices as well.
I would decide to make attempts to attend what is important to you and your family and let the rest go. If they want to change they will, if they don't it will save you a whole lot of heart ache.
Sorry to hear that you are going through this, sometimes families treat strangers better than we treat each other.
Um...I'm confused as to why you can't host it. It seems easy to me-just send out an ivitation that says dinner is to be at such and such time, feel free to come early and watch the parade etc....So what if someone can't(or won't) show up. Last time I checked you don't have to have both sides attending.
Well, you're letting these people run you. Why isn't your DH standing up for you guys? You don't need to bite your tongue or get upset. You make YOUR plans & move on. I think you're inflicting a lot of this stress on yourself, by yourself. It's unnecessary.
I despise the running around that's expecting during the holidays. Once you have kids, it's a super stressful deal. Host at your house and let them deal with it. They come, or they don't. You & your kids deserve your own traditions and a holiday at home. No one can make you feel bad or guilty unless you let them. Stop letting others control you so much.
I am very thankful for our small family & the fact that they prefer to do the holidays in a spread out fashion. They seem to "get" it. I am sorry that yours doesn't.
I had an incident the first Christmas I shared with my husband. Some back history - I do not get along with my FIL, and never have. He did and said some very nasty things to me when I was just his son's girlfriend (admittedly, he hasn't said anything to me since we got engaged, but we were together 7 years before that), and the bad blood is compounded by his personality, which very much rubs me the wrong way. But my husband loves them, so I do what I can to maintain a good, civil relationship for him.
Our families live in the same town, and his parents are particularly touchy, and my family is religious, so we tried to split Christmas day in half so that we wouldn't feel like we were choosing one set over the other. Yikes, right?
We told his family that we would be over around 2 in the afternoon, and would spend the rest of the afternoon and evening with them. We went to church in the morning, ate Christmas breakfast with my family, opened presents, and then called over at 1:30 to see if it would be a huge deal if we were a half-hour late to their house because we hadn't quite finished and I wanted to change clothes and such. At that point, we were informed that my FIL had gotten so cross when we hadn't showed up at noon (even though we had told both him and my MIL we would be there "around 2") that they had gone ahead and opened all the presents without us. But we were still welcome to go over for Christmas dinner.
I hit the roof. I was furious. I did NOT want to go over there for Christmas dinner, thank you. But I could see that my husband was also upset, so I forced myself to suck it up. But I decided right then and there that his parents were his problem. I told him that we will be spending Christmas with my family the next year, and he would need to explain that to his. I have also approached holidays with regards to our own convenience in the future. If they are touchy, they can be touchy to him, and we're not going to rush to get over there if, no matter what time we arrive, they're going to resent that we weren't there earlier.
We haven't had any sort of issue over holidays since. ^_^
You aren't the bad guy here. You are just not the favored part of the family. You ARE the "used" part of the family, though.
Really, D., I think you just need to get off this carousel. Stop trying so hard. From now on, announce your plans. As soon as MIL and SIL say they want to do something else, say to them "Enjoy your holiday" and then spend it with your family or have your family over to your house. When you no longer CARE that they try to punish you for not bowing down to them, you will be a far happier person.
Stop going to these big parties of your SIL's. She revels in the fact that you want to be invited. Stop inviting her to your kids' parties. She has NEVER had to feel "left out". She is quite good at making YOU feel that way. NO MORE. Time to give as good as you have gotten.
People like your MIL and SIL need tit for tat. And you need to get to the point that it doesn't bother you to do it. THEY are the ones missing out, as a matter of fact. They don't get to enjoy your kids when they act like this.
If you pull away and are asked why, tell them flat out that you are tired of being jerked around and punished because you have other people to consider outside of just them. Let them sulk. You do NOT have to listen to your MIL pull out the guilt card. Just say it's time to hang up and do it.
Sending you strength~
Dawn
Ugh! Time to put your foot down. Tell your husband it's just too hard a d unfair to the kids and you guys to run around like crazy. Do dinner at your parents. If you want offer to be available to come for dessert at your MIL or SIL. Maybe it's just my own bitterness talking but really isn't it enough is enough already when it comes to catering to wveryone else and making everyone else happy but you & your family? My SIL is like this. All about her family, when things are good for them, what they are doing...etc. then when you can't do it when it suits them, your the bad guy! Not any more here. I pointed out several occasions to my husband and finally said "I'm done". From now on if what they ate doing suits us and us good for us great, but we no longer go out of our way to call, invite or accept invitations that are really not welcomed. You will not believe the weight that will be lifted once you become ok with saying no. Make your kids #1. Make everyone, including your husband, understand that you are not dragging the kids all over just to make someone else happy. You guys (hubby & kids included) need to be relaxed and enjoy your holidays. Let's face it, from the sounds of things, they can take it or leave it if you are there anyway. Family stinks sometimes! Lol
My bitterness comes from years of everyone's else's kids being happy and mine being miserable and tired. My kids always had to do both. That was our (me & hubby) fault. They were tired and cranky, we were tired, but no one cared and no one understood how hard it was to do both. Something had to give, so it was my SIL that only put her family first, that ended up on the chopping block. It's been soo nice since. I wish I would have done it sooner!
The one thing you are NOT saying is how and when you devote your family time to your OWN family. This could very much be a part of the problem. For example if they always get the prime spot for the holidays (christmas dinner, thanksgiving day) as opposed to the secondary spot (thanksgiving am or Christmas eve) then I can see why they have given up on you. I would probably do somewhat the same thing as I cannot stand to see my family taking the second fiddle position to my brother's wives familys every single year. My mother is the only thing keeping me from going off on them about this as she would like to keep the facade of peace. And I don't like my SILs very much because of this I have to say. I make nice but would never call them 'friends'.
Not saying you are doing this either-just wondering. If not then you really have to just bring this all out on the table. They really do seem to be slighting you and you need to find out the reason. Come to them from a place of concern and not anger. Hopefully you can find out what their deal is and then move forward. Not talking about it is not an option thought b/c you cannot go on like this indefinitely.
