How Do I Get My 15 Year Old to HELP!

S.,

Of course it is supposed to be this difficult. Girls are not truly sweetness and light. Can't you remember being a teenage girl, or were you the one with the halo? When I was 15 and 16, those were the worst years with my Mother--and I was GOOD. Does her room have a door? If so, let her have free rein in there, and just close the door when you don't want to see it. Specify no moldy, decaying food or other smelliferous material and then leave her alone.

For chorse, keep the list to a minimum. If she doesn't complete the list, does she do the chores from the top down, or pick the easiest? If it is sequential order, put what you REALLY want done at the top, and throw in some non-vital ones at the bottom. Be sure to thank her for the things she does. Being in a new house, with no friends has likely caused a good deal of stress for her, and she may not know how to tell you this.

Does she complete her homework, and get good grades? Do you praise her for this, or just assume she knows she is doing a good job? Is she involved with alcohol, drugs, sex, or other unhealthy behavior? If not, count your blessings and PRAISE her for choosing the right path.

Explain to her WHY you want her to do chores. Not, "You are part of this household and you HAVE to do this," but "Honey, I work very hard and when you fold the laundry for me, it lets me concentrate on making you dinner, or I can relax for a few minutes, or I feel really loved because my daughter helps me." Would she like *you* to sit and chat with her as her father did while she cleans her room? Maybe some female bonding time? Maybe just the moral support?

Rest assured, your life will not be simple with teenage girls. Know, however, that by 17 most females have found their groove and become human again. Try to be patient and nice--it is hard. Try to work *with* your daughter. Ask her what chores she would be willing to take responsibility for, and which one she truly hates. Try to spend positive time with her, even if it is cleaning or baking cookies, or shopping, or just chatting. She loves you, but is going through a tough transition.

Best wishes,
K.

is it possible that since you work so much and are probably so beat when you are home that you dont carry out firm consequences every time?
maybe if she refuses to fold laundry...stop washing hers altogether. if she wants clean clothes she is way old enough to do them herself. make her pick up her room for 5-10 minutes every couple of days before it gets too bad. and dont let her leave the house until it is done...if you lend her money for things like shopping and food with friends, etc...stop giving her any until you see that she can follow the cleaning rules of the house and "earn her keep" as my parents always said which i hated, but it worked.

S., I have seven and the four remaining at home are 11, 14, 15 and 16. Every day we go through the same thing you are going through. To get them to do their chores is always a battle. I don't often have to get mad, but I do have to remind them, sometimes several times. To make it important to them, I do ground them from things they like, the tv, computers, pool table, phone, game systems, music etc. but only do so when it is particularly obvious they are doing the least amount they can to get by. If they have skipped a chore all together or have done a horrible job just to say it's done, they lose an item for the rest of that day and the next. If it continues, more items are taken. Usually what happens is that once they've gone through a few days of restriction, the jobs become a little more important to them. They see that my husband and I are not backing down and that drive for what they want is strong enough that they decide to make an effort to do what we want so they can have privileges again.

This job isn't easy and especially so when we have to take away things that we want our children to be able to have. I hope that you will find the balance that works for you and your daughter.

Infinite Blessings!

Hey S.,first off let me say that I do not have teenagers but I do have 2 daughters 4 and 6 that will not clean their room either. The funny thing is they will help me out in the front room or kitchen but as soon as I say "clean your room" they fall down and they throw a fit..seriously. I wish there was some secret recipe to getting them to do things we ask, but whatever it is ,it sounds like your fiance' or boyriend seems to have an "in" obviously he relates to her in a way you dont, maybe she wants that from you,maybe instead of dictating or just giving her a list you can come down to her level put yourself in her shoes , remember when you were 15 and yes it is supposed to be this hard..lol, I cant imagine it getting any easier. I do agree with you that you work hard and they should do their part you just need to find another way. Good Luck !

My oldest is only eleven and he thinks he doesn't have to do anything to help out around the house and honestly I think it is becasue his mom doesn't make him do anything. This is what I do with my children and it may sound harsh, but I have yet to follow through with some of the threats. Personally I believe my children help make the messes and don't help pay the bills so they MUST without question help clean. Over the weekend I had the oldest three do dishes and the oldest one threw a fit and my four year old told him "if you don't wash the dishes you don't eat off of a clean plate" becuase she had heard the lecture a few times. Growing up I had to help take care of the house living with single parents who worked and I think all children need to help with household chores, weather I work outside the home or not.
My husband believes in paying the odlest child for everything he does and the child always wants a "pay raise", so I did this. He wanted paid to do something, so I paid him in dollars and gave him quite a bit of money. Then everytime I did something for him that day and every time he used electicity or water or ate, I charged him money, by the end of the day he owed me money. Since that day I have not been asked how much I will pay him for doing something.
Chores are an ongoing problem for me and I think it is natural, but I feel that if I don't stick to my guns my children won't learn how to be responsible. Good luck to you and stay strong. When they are all grown up they will use the same techniques with our grandchildren.

Hi S.. I know being a single mom is a rough job. I have been a single mom for 7 years and while my children are not yet teens, it's a struggle at times. I was raised in a fairly strict family and I carried much of that to my own family. My children are only 9 and 10 but they have always had well defined chores/duties around the house and well defined conciquences if they are not done/done correctly. This method is working for us so far with fewer bumps than when I hadn't outlined things to the kids. I know that things will be different when they are teens but it's my hope they won't be THAT different. We hold a family meeting at least once per month. The kids, myself, and now my partner Ben (he recently moved in with us) sit down and freely talk about all sorts of things. One of the topics we always discuss are what each of our responsibilities should be in the house. The kids tell me what they feel they should each do as well as telling me what they feel I should do and Ben should do. Then we all discuss what should happen if those things aren't done. I have typed up a list for each child that has their chores on one side and the conciquence we have agreed on on the other. For instance, cleaning their messes before they leave a room/go to bed, conciquence is losing what ever item is not put away is packed up and held for one week. I'm a firm believer in structure and I know that when its just you running the ship its sometimes very hard to maintain and so much easier to throw your hands up and let something go every now and again. Making well defined chore lists and results for not doing those things has made things SO much easier for me, as well as for the kids. The best part of it is we have devised a point list for all of the chores, if they reach a goal # (which is aprox 85% of their total) they receive a reward of their choice that is defined at the beginning of each month. It is not based on money, free is the option of choice, its usually having a friend stay over, a special dinner out for the family, going to the drive in, things like that. I know it's hard and I feel for you. I hope some of the suggestions you receive here will help.

T.

Please don't take this the wrong way when I ask! But, are you a good role model as far as house work goes? When I was a kid/teen I was a good kid in every way except chores. I refused to clean up the house in anyway. I was a neat freak with other things like school and my appearance and such.

My problem was that my mother was a horrible housekeeper. She was a stay at home mom most of my life but still didnt do housework. So when she would throw a fit with me and threaten me for not doing the chore list she would give me, it made me very angry. I wouldn't do things that she herself was unwilling to do.

I am embarassed to say that I am still not the greatest housekeeper today. I think because I didnt learn it at home and got used to clutter that I am not very motivated today.

So, I would suggest a calm heart to heart with your daughter to really figure out why she doesn't want to help you. If you feel that your partner would be better at getting her to open up, then let him do it. I think there is probably a deeper reason for this problem than just laziness on her part. But just remember, staying calm is very important. Making her angry might just make her more stubborn.