How Do I Get My Ex-wife to Spend More Time with My Sons?

I don't know NY law, but in Oklahoma (where my custody agreement is) they have what is called "right of 1st refusal". It basically means that when the parent who is not in "possession" needs to find childcare (aside from what is regular for the kid) they must allow the "parent-not-in-possession" the opportunity to ADD to their schedule.

So, on the weekends that are not your weekend, you would have the option of TAKING them extra - not switching out. It won't reduce your child support. However, after you have established a period of increased visitation, you can modify your decree so that you have your boys extra time.

You can't make anyone else behave the way you want them to (or even the way they should). BUT, you can try to spend more time with your boys - that seems like a win-win.

I know you know this.....DON'T bad-mouth your ex to the kids.

Good Luck!

Good luck!

You can always go back to court to change/adjust your custody agreement... but you can't dictate what the other parent does during "their" time, even if it's abusive, you can only get the courts to change the AMOUNT of time the child spends in that parent's care.

I've noticed disinterested parents fight for time in order to keep getting the money. An end round for that is to suck up the financial pain for about a year. AKA, get the time adjusted, but leave the CS payments as they are. Then a year or two later, get the CS payments to reflect the actual time spent. It also looks better in the courts (from what I've seen), when one parent is saying "screw the money, keep the money... I just want more time with my kids".

Of course, if you're paying alimony, that should end as soon as the wedding. So there's an upside.

But unless you want more time with your children, there's no way to "get" her legally to spend her time with the children differently.

YIKES!!! this sucks!!

Children get the short end of the stick. It doesn't matter WHY she cheated - the fact is she did. You are now divorced and she has custody. Just because she has custody doesn't mean she is the responsible party.

She's self-consumed right now. The grass is greener for her and she doesn't stop to think about how her actions are affecting your children. Unfortunately - she might not care until it's too late.

You need to put aside your animosity for her and be honest about your children - if you place the blame on her - YOU did this - etc. it will NOT be a constructive discussion. I know it's hard not to point fingers but in this case, you will have to.

"Sara - I've noticed that Jonas' grades have dropped in school. I realize the school year is almost over, but I am concerned. Can you tell me what your plan is to help get him back on track so we are on the same page?" or something like that. If she gets snotty - just say - you know what? We'll have this conversation when you can talk like an adult - this is about our children, not about our problems from our marriage - or whatever she starts throwing in your face.

The most important thing you can do is work with your boys when you have them - don't say anything nasty about their mom - concentrate on them. Don't ask what she's doing, etc. make the time you have with them about THEM not about her.

I hope this helps!!

Unfortunately you cannot dictate what she does with the kids, as she is the custodial parent. What you can do if you wish, and if you think it is in the kids' best interest is go back to court and ask to amend the custody arrangement. I am sorry for what happened to you, but adultery (by husband or wife) does not play into custody arrangements. Good luck.

It depends a lot on the relationship you have now with your ex as to whether she will listen if you talk to her about your concerns. Maybe a mutual friend or relative is seeing some of these issues and might help (although there may not be a person like that available)? I would try asking if you could have the boys visit you on weekend days she is busy. If you can arrange things to have a bit of one on one time with each child maybe you can talk more easily. Boys, especially teenage boys, are often not good at talking about their feelings. But you can model it for them and they can learn (even if it feels awkward at first). Try talking while you are doing something else (playing catch, shooting baskets, driving someplace, whatever you like to do together). The most basic counseling technique I learned is called active listening. You summarize what the other person said in the "You feel ________ because __________." format (or a similar phrasing that includes both the feeling and the content). This helps the other person identify their feelings and know you are hearing them. Even if all you can get out the first time you talk is that you are concerned about how they feel and are available to talk then you are opening up the lines of communication. If they don't have anything to say at first, they may later.

I would also talk to someone at school (teacher or guidance counselor) and make sure they have a way to reach you. If it is too late for this year try again in September.

Good luck. It is nice to see a concerned father on here occasionally.

I'm not sure that you can. So, instead, focus on your boys. Lots of women spend their entire marriage trying to convince their husbands to stop working long hours, to give up golf (or whatever) and spend more time with the kids. And these are people that are still married and should want to please their spouses. So, do you think your ex is going to want to listen to your criticism? I doubt it.

Try and look at it this way. Your ex-wife is going through something and this is the best she can do for right now. I'm sure you don't have a lot of empathy, and I don't blame you, but turn your attention to your boys. Instead of trying to convince her what she needs to do, just offer to spend more time with your boys. Tell her you understand her plate is full right now and you are poised to take the kids more often. Then, give them all that YOU've got. They still may have mommy issues, but they will have daddy to fall back on.

I'm sorry I don't have a magical answer for you. I understand you must feel angry and resentful, and it's great you want your kids to get what they need from their Mom. Obviously you understand the boys need their Mom, and I am betting you are careful not to bad mouth her around them..... but as you know, some things are just out of our control. So work on what IS in your control. I wish you well.

You can't always control what other people do. And it doesn't sound like a very positive situation that you have any levarage over. If I were you, I would fight for visitation every weekend. A lawyer would help, but I am sure you know that.

I agree with Carla and on top of that if I was you I would try to spend more time with the kids since she is so busy. I would offer to pick them up and take them on those weekends that they go to grandma/aunt's house. Let your ex know that you are there to help the kids and while she is busy you will like to spend the extra time with the boys.
Blessings

How she spends her time when she has the boys isn't your business. Unfortunate but true. Sounds like there is a ton of resentment and anger there and the boys WILL see that and it WILL bite you in the butt. Keep the time you spend with them as possitive as humanly possible without falling into the SuperDad "look how much money I am spending on you" trap.

My ex hubby blamed me and let his anger show in front of the kids (now 13 and 11) and they fell for it when they were younger. Now after time and they have gotten a bit older they hate when dad badmouths me. It has greatly affected their relationship! I am far from perfect but it is crucial you dont name call and stoop to her level. i am assuming you were just venting. :)

There's a wonderful process called Non-Violent Communication that can teach you how to make clear and nonjudgemental observations, listen to her issues with compassion, and state your own feelings and needs clearly and without judgement. I have found that this is the best way to communicate around potentially hurtful issues.

You can google the term for lots of links to descriptions, examples, books and videos. This process has been revolutionary for me in a few difficult relationships. It will not and can not make the other person be somebody different, but it can increase the understanding between you, which in turn can make positive changes more likely to happen.

I wish you well.

2 words....custody modification.

Nanc

Sorry B B about your situation. You can't make her see. She has other priorities in her sights and sadly her children are paying. The best advice I can give is for you to continue being a loving, and supportive dad. As your children get a little older (not sure of all their ages now) they will see her actions for what they are on her own. Are you civil enough with your ex to say, "Let's talk about the kids? Here are the issues, how can WE help them?" Then you're not attacking her but she will be made aware of what's going on. Maybe she'll come to the conclusion herself? I hope this helped. I have never been in your situation, but I've had friends who have. Good luck.

The short answer? You can't. The only person you have any control over is you, unfortunately. Talk to your sons, talk to a counsellor, find out what you can be doing to help your sons when you have them. Make sure they know you are available whenever they need you.
If you are on speaking terms with your wife, you could ask if the two of you could sit down and talk about you having the boys more while she is busy planning. That will give you a chance to be their rock in the changing parental seas, something they will always remember.

Open communication. Regardless of what happened with you and your wife or what your wife is doing in life now, you have to be the better person NO MATTER WHAT and try to sit down (or call) and talk to her, may I suggest without attacking her. Keep it cordial without blaming, take the blame yourself in some ways (even if you don't agree with it) there is a lot more going on in this situation and be empathetic - then she might be more responsive. I liked how someone suggested that you offer to help her out by taking the boys more if she wants time to plan the wedding, etc...hopefully that will show her you are cordial despite what she did and she will be more open to it too. You say she's been a good mom, well maybe right now she is just being self centered and doesn't realize she isn't at the moment. You need to look at the bigger picture and try to communicate with her to reach the same goals for the good of your son. In addition YOU need to be there for your sons more than ever too b/c it is STILL a team effort, even if you aren't physically there. Phone calls, texts, emails, whatever it take to be in touch and let them know you are there and you expect more of them and you support and want to help them. I can't imagine having to parent with an ex like that, its hard enough doing it and agreeing when you are still together. LOL. This may seem irrelevant, but you might want to check it out. I had this positive relationship/team building training at work and while it was geared to the work environment, I thought the entire time throughout that MAN, I COULD REALLY use this concept to handle my personal realationships - particularly my husband and my son so that we could work together and be happier. I realize you have a lot more barriers under your circumstances, but the basic foundation may help you approach your challending situation and better. As suggested above, the redirect (taking some of the blame) and the empathy while communicating the goal comes right from that. The Whale Done approach. http://www.rctm.com/app/Product/71727.html. You can find information about it online. When you do talk be ready for her to be defensive - I hope not for the sake of your sons. But like someone said, you can't change someone or control someone you can only do that to yourself and once you do that, hopefully it will be a domino effect and she will change with you. GOOD LUCK!