How Do I Keep My Home from Swallowing Me Up!

I didn't read through all the responses, but you did get some good advise. My advise.....click on http://www.flylady.net
If you live in C.H.A.O.S. (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome) and are a fellow SHE (Side-tracked Home Executive)you may find this site helpful.
I love that site! You'll find lots of advise and tips from decluttering in 15 minutes to finding ways on getting the kids and dh to help.
It's a large website, take it in....15 minutes at a time.
Good luck!

Hi W.,

I second Betty T's suggestion of flylady.net.
Not every single bit of her advice hits home with me, but I've found her ideas to be really helpful. Especially her reminders to move forward taking baby steps and to ditch the unattainable quest for "perfection" because no one is ever going to reach that anyway.

You have tons of good advice. I am replying to say hey if you need to talk write to me and vent I am a very good listener. I will comment if you like or I will just listen if that's what you need. Just let me know.

I live in Montclair and home school my 13 year old daughter and my ten year old son. I just gave them a little background on your problem and if you want help we are willing to come over and help you. It would be our pleasure to lend a hand. Let me know how close you live and I will give you my number and if your comfortable with it, we would love to help. Dont be ashamed of falling behind, it happens to all of us. Sometimes all you need is someone to climb into the mess with you and make it better.

We've got a lot going on in our house, too. (4 kids under 5 years old). The kids are responsible for their rooms... to enforce this they have to clean their rooms on bath night (something they LOVE, so they clean it fast). If they don't get their toys picked up, I come through with a laundry basket (or 2 or 3!) and collect whatever they didn't and it gets put away in the basement or somewhere out of sight (like it's in time-out). When they are ready to clean they may have it back. We have a sticker chart for small things, like taking dishes to the sink and wiping their area of the table after meals, cleaning up the floor. As for my husband, he is fantastic, but he got much more involved once he realized that the more he helped, the sexier I found him! And the more time I had to devote to him when he helped me out. I also found that my energy level increased when I started exercising. We have a family membership at the Y, so the kids can be in the child care program for the hour that I work out. A little time to yourself can do wonders for finding time for everyone else. Good luck!

Congratulations on your new baby and on homeschooling! I also find myself feeling overwhelmed being at home with my children, so I feel that I relate with you. First, I would like to encourage you to not feel bad to ask for help from those around you. At least to just call a friend to talk about it. Also, a good website that I like is www.mommysavers.com there are good forums to ask for advice on there. Now around the house, what helps me is this. I pick one room of the house each day to work on getting clean, and don't try to conquer the entire house. If I miss a room, I know it will get to it next week. Then, the sheets get changed, etc... I try to do 2 loads of laundry a day, and only fold at night before I go to bed. I also have the children clean up their toys periodically through the day...ex: before lunch, before naps, before we go anywhere. I'm pretty much a drill sargent about it. I think it teaches good discipline and order for them. I guess overall, just work on establishing a flexible routine for yourself and family. Then, everyone will know what to expect from each other. Your older child could definately be a big help to you. I think it's a great way to learn a work ethic and contributing to the family. I also try very hard to make crockpot meals that are simple and if I can freeze a dinner, I double the recipe to freeze one when I make dinner. Oh, and if you are able to plan your meals for the week before going to the grocery store, then you don't have to think about it during the week. It makes it easier for me. You are definately still adjusting to the new baby. If you are able to keep it simple and don't expect things to be just perfect, just know, here in a few months you will be back on your feet. Good Luck!

I have found that the sight below has helped me somewhat:

http://www.flylady.net/index.asp

It also reminds me that I am not the only one out there that finds it hard to keep up with the housework.

The issue with getting your 8 year old to help is hard for me to answer because my 7 (almost 8) year old helps me out a lot with everything but I started him doing that from the very beginning, so he is used to it.

One thing I can suggest though is the Swiffer Duster (the short one, not the long handled one) my son loves that one and he can't really damage anything. He actually gets that one out himself when he wants to now.

Hi W.,

I had a great experience getting help from people I didn't know. I met a lady who was walking in my neighborhood. She belonged to a local church (nothing extremem) and we chatted a bit. She was a genuinely nice person. I explained that I was buried in boxes with no tme to get organized. We discovered she lived a couple of blocks away. One day she stopped by to help - do whatever she could. I was stunned, and a little embarrassed. But once I learned how to accept the help and say thanks, what a difference in my life! The next day, she brought 3 other ladies from the church. Within a week, EVERYTHING was done!! I didn't know these people, yet they helped me. The hardest part was letting outsiders in to see my weaknesses.

My point is, maybe there is someone you could just ask to come by and help you for a couple of hours. (Asking is the hardest part) You could return the favor another day, or offer to drop a dinner off some night (just cook 2 of everything when you're cooking for your own family).

I just had to write you, check out flylady.net... it's an excellent resource for family/home organization and it's fun and only takes 15 or so minutes a day! it's changed my whole life!

lol i just read everyone elses responses, funny how so many people fly!

I'm a SAHM to a almost 4yo, who I just started to hs & a almost 5mos old. We also moved when I was 7mos pregnant. I definately get the constant interuption thing & the no sleep thing. They should have some sort of program for us sleep deprived women who live in a fog. Honestly, if you have any storage, store stuff & try to go through one box a day (or week). I'm still unpacking. Also have you tried wearing your 10 week old? The baby wraps are great, you can wear him in a sling, then in front of you, behind you, etc. It frees up your hands to get stuff done, I wore my kids, still wear the baby. It gets easier once they can sit up & play. Also, you should try a reward chart with your son for helping you out, you should try it with the 2 1/2yo as well. My son loves the swiffer & he loves to dust things. Use stickers every day & give a reward once a week. If you're short on $ just go to a favorite park or whatever. Also, have you looked into a local momsclub, they can offer support for you. One last thing, the fact that you're hsing and staying home with your children will make a tremendous positive impact on them. Your doing a good thing. As for getting your husband to help more, let me know if you fiqure that one out (LOL). Good luck to you & sorry this was so long. Oh & I've been inturrupted a few times while writing this, you're not alone. Good luck again.

Definitely check out flylady.net. This is a great site that will help you get a daily routine. It will also help you get routines set for the kids and for school time. Good luck!!

Hi! I can certainly relate there! House work is never done, no mater how hard you work all day! and even if your house was spotless, your family might not even notice! And getting husband and kids to help is not easy! I wish I could offer you helpfull advice but I guess all I can tell you is if you can sit down with your husband and voice your priorities as far as what needs to be done in the house, and maybe set a goal to have the work done by a certain time. Also you can try to make a game out of having your 8 and 2 1/2 yr olds help out pick up toys, put laundry in the washer or even dry dishes! Have you concidered putting you 10 weeks old in a sling? He'd get bonding time with you and your hands would be free.
Also, Since you are homeschooling and without a car, if you found a homeschooling support group close to you that could help you out with at least listening to what's going on and give you helpfull hints as to how they do it. Maybe some of them might even want to trade cleaning your house for something else like babysitting! Good luck! Let my know how things go.
J.

Hey W....I am not in the exact same shoes but pretty close. My life has changed alot I am happily married for 8 yeears now mother of one he is seven and very demanding. I have been a stay @ home mother for seven years until recently...I have made the choice to go back to work but this leaves me not @ home as much and I like have a DH who thinks he is so helpfull and really he could do alot more to help..but if I tell him that he might stop all together and that would stink. if youhappen to find the miracle we need let me know and I will you too...I know some day I wll see an empty dishwasher and empty hamper ...I HOPE

Take Care
Messy House in Biddeford

I read a book once... All you can do, is all you can do, and all you can do, is enough. That is probably the answer. Everything you do makes a positive difference. You must know that, just by being a homeschooling mom. You do have a new baby. So, it there have been some big adjustments. It is a new home for your husband. It is a new home for your other children. So everyone is going through alot of adjustments, maybe you think you should be able to do the things you did with 2 kids.. but now you have 3 ...and ... Stop stretching... just do. Everyone will help out when you stop thinking only you have to do it. Pray about it :) .

I feel your pain, although I only have one child at the moment. I do stay at home, and she is 5 months now, the begining was not easy. I never knew when she was going to sleep, and for how long. Sometimes she would and other times not. I woud say with the little one, try using a swing or a carrier, and that way you can get something done. With the older ones, have a game with the chores, like they can get something if they do such and such. Also, if they are not napping, have some quiet time with books, for a 1/2 hour. Get things done when the 2 year old naps, hope he does. A 1/2 hour doesn't seem much, but you can get a lot done. Have them sort laundry, set the table etc, and they get some kind of reward. As far as the husband, try to compomise and nagosiate somethings, even if its the weekend. Also, join a mom's group, they are great, you can e-mail people and talk on the phone. Please e-mail, b/c I do understand! Take care.

Maybe you could go to counseling or get a mediator help explain your feelings to your family who isn't paying you much mind or attention. Are there any relatives not far from you that might be able to help out from either side? Maybe if you leave the house messy long enough, husband/daughter might get tired of living that way and decide to help out. You might have to sit the both of them down and the samde time and say listen, I really could use your help with the house and the younger kids who can really fend for themselves yet. I hope and pray things get better for you soon.

Hi,
Congradulations on your new house, we have just bought one ourselvs and slowly working on fixing it up to our liking. all I can say is try not to get too overwhelmed with moving in and repairs ect.. That stuff can be worked on over time. Your not going anywhere else right?!?! Thats what I am doing and I have small children who like to strew their toys everywhere and make messes. As far as helping out, with your older kids...dont expect too much. As long as its picking up their toys or just bringing a few dishes back out to the kitchen is a great start. I have to tell my daughter several times to pick up her toys and keep reminding her, it eventually gets done..lol. Try not too stress out about it too much, I too love a clean house also but a happier house is much better then a tidy house. Remember, clean houses are for old people..with no kids...lol.

Well is there any way your home schooled child could not be home schooled. Then you could sign up with the local YMCA and do fun stuff with the kids and get free babysitting on your own. It sounds like you could use the extra time and energy. Maybe your child would be more helpful too if he/she was put of the hosue during the day.

Hi-
I completely undrstand your situation. I am also home all day-no car-just moved-I have a 24 yr problem child(out of the house since 16)-a 16yr old high honors student trying to get to Princeton(holds an after school job and donates part of her paycheck to household fund on her own) and custody of 5 yr old. I had been in the childcare business for about twenty years-then had an accident(severe) that I will always suffer pain from. I am not sick enough for social security-not well enough to go out to work. I am also trying to re-start my daycare business in a house that I hate(but with me not working we could not afford our former home anymore.My husband is starting a new insurance job which requires three weeks of schooling(unpaid ) while he is away. I have just sat down and made a chore chart for my 5 year old .She has had alot of problems befor we recieved custody and she is now on the verge of being very spoiled and lazy. If she wants to be able to do something like go to the park,a birthday party,Mcdonalds at the end of the week she must do what is on the chart and she must do it without an attitude or whining. If she cannot she gets nothing. If she gets defiant or i have to keep asking her to do somehting I take something from her room. She must earn it back- apologize for not listening and for being disrespectful. She knows she must earn things that she asks for and that good behavior will also get her a few surprises. As for my husband- he works hard- but I expect him to not add to the problem or the mess when home. If he can't see that you need a break when he is home- take the car to go grocery shopping-take your time-leave him with the children- take a few hours-befor you leave repeat the instructions for all in front of him and let them all know that there will be consequences if not followed (like no gets to go or do anytrhing)including your husband. Let him be in the middle for a few hours -he will see that when they are grounded -you are grounded also. Let him see that maintaining a house and family is a completely different pressure from outside work-and it is twenty four hours. If he is in the middle of it and has to deal with it he will back you up and help enforce the rules. If your eldest child is old enough to babysit- even if you don't have a car- once a week make that a job. let that child babysit while you work on your home-inside and out-while you take a bath and read in the tub- even if it just for three hrs.This will also show them how hard it is to handle everything on your own. As repayment let them pick a day to do some thing special every two weeks or once a month. Buy them something special(in expensive) or have a sleep over-whatever.This way they know you really do appreciate the help. I hope these suggestions help.

Hi,
it seems like your main problem is how to feel heard and respected... there is a communication breakdown. once you get that back on track, then you will be able to make changes. so on that note... here a just a few ideas:
- try to get out with your husband from time to time so the two of you get back in touch with each other
- try counseling with the the oldest child and your husband, or just your husband
- if you can succeed at one of the above, then you can feel comfortable getting some time off... to yourself. sometimes taking half a day is all it takes to get your energy back. and sometimes what you spend on a sitter you get back in other ways ten-fold. and sometimes all it takes is temporarily tweaking the finances and going without something you don't really need in the first place, in order to afford that sitter.

i hope this helps, remember change rarely happens over night, and if you really want something, pray (i'm not even religious) and ask for it. it's surprising what true intention can bring.

get out for some me time. No vehicle is a challenge, but doesn't make it impossible.

Take a couple of nights a week grab the car, kids with dad and go to the library, it quiet, no phones, no kids no problem.

Take a walk during the day with the kids, if there's a park near by or maybe a playgroup in the area. Walking thru the neighborhood someone is bound to notice a new comer.

Trade off with family if 8 y/o wants something explain that you need something this for that.

I hope it all works out.

hi, some quick (possibly) helpful advice. Someone had already mentioned giving your children more responsibility and rewarding them for what they do. The only advice i can offer is when you actually get some down time (or i should say tv time) watch supernanny! you may not be having behavioral problems, but she's ALWAYS giving GREAT advice on how to get the kids to help out around the house, and some great ways to reward them and make them feel special about helping out! I'm not saying to call and have her come to help you with your family (unless you feel that's what you need), i'm just saying watch (even if you have to tape it to watch when you have time). being a new mom it has helped me with getting my daughter my daughter to already start cleaning up after herself from time to time (she's only 1 so i don't expect much, but she does help from time to time!). Good luck, i hope you can find some ways to get them to help, and like i said, supernanny is always giving great advice on how to do this! keep us posted on how things are going!

I am also a stay at home working mom of three boys now 14,13,10. I have run a daycare in my home for the past 15 years. I also took care of both of my parents in my home until there passing. I understand you totally. Trying to get an eight year old to help can be a challenge and also very rewarding for him/her. Designate small jobs that they can accomplish and be proud of. A reward would be something you might give if one task is more difficult. Or a promise of something special, McDonald's, a favorite toy.... Bribery is not bad, it is a way to motivate the young ones and teach them the value of families working together. My boys, I also have a 25 and 24 yr old, have always helped me. From the time they were five they began making there beds. Chores increased as they got older. You must set the bar low at first if your child has not helped alot. As tired as you are, and I know you are, W., it will get easier. My only suggestion for getting your husband more involved is maybe go somewhere for a day and leave him in charge so he truly gets the feel for how important you are to holding your lives together. No paycheck can replace the job you do. Talk more to him and let him know you really need him to help more. We have the hardest job. I commend you for your choices and wish you luck with everything. Learn to enjoy your little ones because it does go by so fast. Take it from one who knows.You must pick and choice what is important and also what can wait. It does not all have to be done yesterday. Free yourself from caring about everything. Life is too short. Enjoy all moments and prioritize.

Hi

Maybe you should start by sorting everything thats unpacked in one room. Then slowly start one room at a time. it may take longer that way but at least you'll have everything in one room
and your oldest child and your husband. can help you daily.
hope it works out!!

I totally understand how you are feeling right now.I have five children with another on the way.My oldest son which is now 12,doesn't help with much either.Everytime I ask him to do something,I find him in his room watching t.v.or listening to music.I totally relate to the feeling of being overwhelmed.All I know is that we ahve to stay strong and try our best.As for what other people think of how much you can do,if they feel like it's not enough,then maybe they should try living in your shoes for a day.They might cahnge their minds after that.

1st-Give your 8 year old more responsibility, but reward him for it. Stickers, allowance(2 dollars a week), a night out to a movie, etc.

2nd-Talk to your husband one on one, he cant help if he doesnt know what you need. He is the other half of this relationship, if you need more help, you have to ask. Guys are not mind readers.

3rd-Get out of the house by yourself. When your husband comes home from work go and take a walk, let him deal with the kids for a hour or two, go to a movie by yourself, or go window shopping at your mall, just get out, alone!

4th-Downsize, get rid of things you do not use or need if your home, make your life simpler. Throw it out or donate it to the salvation army. Get rid of extra furniture, toys, papers, knick knacks, anything you can live without. It makes cleaning easier and also helps to not make the house feel like it is going to consume you. Also Freecycle at Yahoo is a good place to rid of your extras.

5th-Good Luck

Hi! I am a married mother of 2 children both under 3 and I worrk full time outside of the home, and my husband works 20 hours a week, also outside of the home, opposite hours than me. We moved in April on a Saturday, and then I had to go back to work on Monday and my hubby had to work Sunday. I had my parents babysit my kids while we unpacked the boxes. We got unpacked in 1 day! With Mike and I working opposite hours, we get very little time together, or with the kids. What I do is make sure my house is livable, but not spotless. With 2 kids, it never will be. I don't let the little mess bother me. As long as my kids are happy and healthy, that is all that matters. When the house gets a little past my tolerating point, I take 10 minutes to pick up the room I'm in. That usually helps. If you try and do too much at once, it becomes an overload.

Congratulations on home schooling! You are doing a great thing.
Try one room at a time. Even if it takes more than a day to do that room, stick with it till it's done.
Keep trying, you can do it!

Hi- I see you have gotten lots of good advice but I just wanted to add; take it easy on yourself for awhile. Having a baby 10weeks ago means you are still regrouping birth. Come up with something that works to get your older children to help more, and spend some time relaxing & taking care of YOU each day.
Best wishes
D.

Hi W., my name is B.. I work full time and get to take my daughter to work with me. I can understand how tired you are all the time because just having one child can be damanding. I get very stressed out and tired also. However, I try to find down time, I would try putting the two youngest down for a nap at the same time. With your 8 yr old you can put on a movie and let her play until the other two little ones wake up. In that time if you have something to finish, work on that. Or if you need a quit nap take one. Do you have any cousins or anyone who could keep the kids occupied for 2-3 hours once a week.
On the weekends I clean like a mad man. I have my husband take my daughter out, so I can some alone time and get things done. See if your husband can take them all to the park and then out to mc donalds or something for lunch. Try to have him do more on the weekends with the kids so you can have a break. Try doing a fun chart with your 8 yr old about getting awards for helping around the house. I remember my mom would put music on and we would dance and clean around the house for hours. She would take me to dinner, just her and I, or buy me a toy for being such a good helper. Give her some incentive to clean. my daughter is almost 2 and she loves to help me with the laundry and to put the dishes in the dishwasher. she also likes to help me vacuum and mop. I hope this helps. Keep me posted on how things go. Good Luck!

I'm not in a similar situation but have a few suggestions. First, would your dh give you 1/2 a day on the weekends (let him pick maybe...Sat or Sun) to do what you feel needs most attention? He can take care of the kids & you get other stuff done? Or what about if he takes 15 mins. a day to do something very helpful (like dishes, putting in a load of laundry, giving baths to kids or even help clean!) If those won't work then find a time each day (like mid day nap) that even if kids don't sleep you make it clear that it's quiet time & take 30-45mins. to do what is most pressing that day.

As for getting your oldest to help, you can make a fun game from it or do a reward system. Such as make a chart & give a * or smile face for each helpful task. When the week is done treat that child to something special (a new book or something from the dollar store??)

Hope it helps!!!

Well, I am in a situation somewhat similar to yours. I also am home all day every day since i run a daycare out of my home. I found that it was helpful to use a chore chart for my daughter to help with small things around the house (i bought one premade so i didnt have to spend time making one). Each chore is worth one point and when she gets so many points she gets to pick from a list of rewards, which can range from a candy bar to a bike ride or to sleep wit mommy and daddy. If you would like the website where i ordered the chore chart, just let me know! Yes, it is easier for me to order whatever i can online so that i don't have to shop around at 10 different stores!

Now for the problem with your husband not helping who knows what the answer is for that, if you ever find out let me know!

Hey :)
I am not sure how to get your husband and your oldest child involved, so I hope the responses you received helped you out there....but, I have 2 kids and often get overwhelmed with the housework as well. It usually is just me too so I understand your sentiment! I developed a technique that has changed my life (and I heard it from my mother) *lol
"Clean as you go" Never leave a spot or room without picking up after yourself and/or the family. It is tough at first but once you turn it into a habit, it becomes second nature and cuts your cleaning in half. Teach the kids the same and that might help.

Good luck!