How Do I, Tactfully, Tell My Mom and Other Relatives About Visitation Limits?

I told my mom she could come but she'd have to stay in a hotel because we wanted alone time with the new baby.

There IS NO tactful way to do this. You just have to be blunt. Mom, we've decided to limit all visits to five days. Tell her way ahead of time so she doesn't start making plans.

There's a three-stage communication that I learned a few years ago, and it's almost miraculous for me, because I let my worries about other people's feelings run my life for far too many years.

First, acknowledge your mom's wishes or expectations, like, "Mom, I hear that you'd like to come and visit us for awhile."

Then use the magic word "AND…." This adds your own wishes without indicating they negate your mom's wishes. It's more gentle and inclusive than "but."

Finally, state your needs or wishes. "…I'd like you to plan a maximum of five days with us."

Period. No explanations, excuses, making your doctor, husband, or dog the reason you can't go longer. Nothing more than your firm decision.

If she wheedles, pouts, demands an explanation, argues, repeat the three elements. "Mom, I hear what you would like to happen. And this is what I am willing to have happen. Will you repeat what I have just said, so I can be sure you've got it?"

It is terrifying to the dependent child buried in almost every one of us to make a decision counter to our mother's desires. AND, the world does not end. Even if Mom pouts for awhile, or calls you names, or weeps piteously, our adult needs are just as legitimate as hers. For me, this was the basis for a whole new, and much healthier, relationship with my mother (who, incidentally, lives next door to me.)

You CAN do this! Go for it.

Having his parents there for two weeks and from the beginning and your mom for 5 days after the delivery without hurt feelings is going to be impossible.

I suggest that you just be honest with your Mom, using gentle words in a kind and non-judgmental voice. Prepare yourself for her anger and hurt feelings so that you, as much as possible, can remain calm. You've started the process by talking about your wishes. However, you are letting his parents be there for the delivery.

Be direct. Tell your mom that you appreciate her wanting to be helpful and the most helpful thing she can do is wait until such and such a date to come visit. Then don't try to explain it. Give specific dates, based on the actual date of delivery, and stick with it. If you buy her tickets you'll have more control. Make the date after your in-laws leave.

Don't tell her that they're coming but don't deny it either. If she asks when they're coming, tell her it's for a limited period of time without telling her when or for how long. If she keeps pushing then be honest and remind her that she is biased against their race and in the need to have a relaxed and supportive atmosphere you are wanting her to visit when they're not there.

For me, tact means telling only as much of the truth that is helpful, but only telling the truth even when it's difficult. Tact means telling the painful truth in a kind, non-judgmental tone of voice and not getting pulled into an argument. You don't need to convince her of anything except that these are the conditions of her involvement. Emphasize your love for her and how you want to enjoy her visit. Stay away from the reasons behind your decision unless you need to state them as part of the big picture. Once stated don't focus on them. Focus on wanting her visit at such and such a time.

Good luck. This is a really tricky situation and how you handle it will set the tone for future visits. Remember that this is your life, your marriage and your first baby and do it the way you want to do it. Yes, you can make adjustments, compromises but be sure that you are OK with any that you make.

After doing more thinking, I suggest you decide what you want to tell her and then not tell her anything else even when she pushes for more answers. Adding a bit more info each time she asks a question encourages arguments. She'll have a comeback why that shouldn't make a difference or that she's really not like that or etc.

I agree that talking with her can't be a one time conversation. Also, that your feelings may change which makes the conversation about when and for how long she visits best held until later. I'd focus on mending bridges. I agree that she needs to acknowledge respect for your husband as your husband and the father of her grandchild.

My mother objected to my adopting a special needs child and nearly always said hurtful things to her when she visited. Because my mother and I had always gotten along until then and in respect for her ill health and age I did continue to have her visit and even stay for a couple of weeks or so. My daughter still feels the hurt, 15 years later. My mother is gone. I don't know what I could've done differently. I'm glad I continued having my mother around. I'm sad because those times were always stressful for all of us. Because I chose my daughter, I did lose much from my relationship with my mother.

What I'm trying to say is that you can't make everyone happy, not even yourself. You decide what to do based on what you perceive is the best for your immediate family. That's you, your husband, and your daughter.

Above all, don't continue to stress over this. I can see three different paths. One is to make a decision and put it out of your mind even tho you decide to not talk with your mother now. The second is to put it out of your mind and wait to see how you feel closer to the delivery date. In the meantime have conversations with your mother about how you want your pregnancy and life with baby and husband to go. The third, and to me the least likely to be helpful, is to tell her now. You won't be done with it because she'll spend the next months trying to change your mind.

I do urge you to decide what path you're going to take and find a way to let go of the stressful feelings having your mother in your life. It is your turn now to be the mother and make decisions based on your values.

First of all congratulations. Second of all relax. You have 8 long months to work on this. I wouldn't bring it up out of the blue but wait until your mom brings it up about seeing the baby when it is born. When she does just say "you know mom I love you and I can't wait till you can meet your grandchild but, I need you to understand that DH and I want to take care of our child on our own and although we will love it when you visit, I need to tell you we should keep it to 5 days max. Because I want to learn how to raise my child with my husband. If she argues you can also say "mom you haven't made it easy with you derrogatory comments towards DH, how do you think it makes him feel? I do not want my husband uncomfortable in his own house and I hope you can respect that as well as start to mend fences with him" Like I said you have time to work it out, but please do not let it stress you or to take some of the joy away of being a first time mom. I hope your mom realizes that her granchild will be mixed, and she needs to drop her slurs now. As a side bar my grandfather was old country, Italian. He loved my husband who is blk/latino but very plainly said he didn't believe in mixing the races. I respected him for that becasue he said it to my face and it was his beliefs. However, when my son was born, my grandfather was so in love with him, hung out with the baby always, thought he was perfect and also said that my son was only good looking becasue he had my grandfather in him. Big turn around. A child brings joy and peace sometimes to a conflict I hope yours will as well.

I don't think there is a way you can say it without being blunt and getting right to the point. I think her feelings are going to probably be hurt a little and there is just nothing you can do about it. You can start by saying that you know I love you but......etc., etc.,. You don't want to leave any room for misinterputation. I don't see no other way to to be straight up front with her. The alternative could be that she moves in. I suppose her feelings would be a little hurt but I think she would get over it and you probably won't regret it.
From what you are saying about her relationship with your DH it would no doubt put a strain own your family life.
Maybe if she is alone and needs to be near somone there is the possiblity that she could move closer to you but not in the same residence?

whenever a parent says negative things openly about their childs spouse, they are thinking in the back of their head that you are more on "their" side than your own spouse. and i will say, separately, you need to have her stop that kind of talk. if she said that in front of your child, your husband would even be more upset. and the child itself is an extension of your husband, so if she talks that way about your husband, then she is also referring to your child.

for your problem though, throughout the pregnancy, keep mentiong "a week" as the visit if she asks, if she doesnt ask, dont mention it. then, when it comes time to set the dates, just give her your 5 day window, and tell her thats the best time for you. explain to her that you are getting a little overloaded with visits and just cant do more, have appts, or say honestly that you think more than 5 days might be too long for her to get along with your DH. or maybe you can plan a late arrival and early departure to make it a week with only 5 true days of visiting.

for you to be this anxious so soon after finding out, i believe this to be very stressful for you. you will have many emotions, lack of sleep and confidence, ect. its very important not to bring any additional stress in your life at that time.

Interesting that you are terrified about your MOM might move in but your MIL moving in is already prearranged!

Your mom became very needy because she is loosing YOU, you said yourself your marriage and the baby are your priorities.
You will become a mother soon, honor motherhood! No matter what a woman is acting like - she is your mom. She gave birth to you, cared for you and largely responsible for a beautiful and tolerant person you have grown up to be. Your DH is very caring about his mom....I can see that ....Forgive mom, show her she matters, show her there is no competition - you can love mom and love husband at the same time. So she called him a "W" word, she was raised differently and she may love the biracial grandbaby and it will help her forget the difference. Making bridges is all in your hands. Let the little one come into a happy family!

How does your mom like your husband now?? Is she still rude to him? I am sorry but if my mom treated my husband like yours does. She would not be staying at all with me. If she is determined to come she needs to first let it be known that she is to respect and be nice to my husband. I would let her know its only for five days because you need to be on your own and get a routine with your family.

I never had anyone stay with us when I had my babies. It would make me nuts with them at my house all the time. I liked doing things in my own way with interruption. Good luck!

Congratulations on your pregnancy!
That said, having had two kids of my own, one thing I know is that everything you try to map out this early on can be very, very different from how things go toward the end of your pregnancy, your birth, and the days and weeks after having your precious baby.
You have a right to your feelings, to be sure, but you have to know that when she finds out all these "privacy" rules only apply to her, there are going to be hurt feelings. If there is already animosity with your husband and/or his family, I don't see how that will possibly help things.
My mom wasn't there for my son's birth and it still hurts her after 15 years. I mean, she understands....I was critically ill and had a terrible time. I wasn't coping well and my mom wanted to be there for me. If I could do things differently, I believe I would have. I almost died and my mom was really scared. Under the circumstances, I would have wanted to be there with my child too.
Anyway, sometimes, the joy of a new baby can really bring a family together.
Between now and when the baby comes, maybe you can have a heart to heart with your mom and tell her that she's said some really hurtful things and now that you're pregnant, you really need her to not say anything against your husband. Plus, it might be nice if she said she was sorry. You can't force her to apologize, but you really need her love and her support right now.
Maybe she will roll that over a bit and realize that being nice and getting along is the best thing for her to do.
There is nothing wrong with having a game plan and sticking to what you feel comfortable with, but I wouldn't worry yourself about having a schedule for this and for that all worked out just yet.
You may be so happy you want EVERYBODY to visit you!
You may feel so protective of your new baby and family, you want NO ONE staying with you. .
I was the first way with my first baby and the second way with my second baby.

For now, just take really good care of yourself. Get plenty of rest, eat well. Relax and grow a healthy baby and worry about all this stuff later. Your feelings (and hormones) may change a lot between now and then.

Best wishes!

Unfortunately, you are going to just have to put it out there in simple non-negotiable terms. Something like...
"Mom, we are so excited to welcome the new baby. I hope you understand that MIL and FIL have offered to help us get settled and will be with us until ____. What dates were you planning on visiting so that we can ask others to respect your time with your grandchild? "

I would then schedule other visitors for the dates immediately following her "departure date" and put it clearly on a calendar right on the fridge. Seriously... "Mom Arrives" "Mom Leaves" "Jane visit 10:00" on the calendar so that there is a constant reminder that her visit is finite. Recruit your friends, if needed!

read the book "boundaries" - It will give you lots of help on how to deal with your mom and not feel guilty about it.
Good luck!
~C.

You are incredibly sweet (too sweet, really) to want to tell your mother about your 5 day limit tactfully, when your mother has no problem saying racist, disrespectful things to your husband! Your mother has no tact whatsoever, so don't worry about tactfully telling her your 5 day rule. I know some people would say 2 wrongs don't make a right, but since your mom is so rude and disrespectful, I wouldn't worry about it. If she were my mother disrespecting my husband, I wouldn't even let her in my house unless she apologized to my husband for being a racist jerk. You really need to have her apologize to your husband (and to you too) for all of her racial slurs to him and promise the both of you that it will NEVER happen ever again. If it does, let her know that she will no longer have grandparent privileges because you don't want your child to be exposed to a biggot. Best of luck, and don't sweat over telling her your 5 day rule. Please have her apolgize to your husband and to you. If she knows what's good for her, she will. And, it must be a SINCERE apology.

Okay so make it real easy and just explain the in-laws are coming, then her, and then you are going to head out to the in-laws for a few weeks for additional help, time with them etc. if that is feasable?? Maybe use the excuse you and hubs want time "alone" with just the "family" to get down a routine without others being involved.
I'm telling you from first hand experience you better be very clear and precise about what you want with EVERYONE including the hubs. You are not a bad person to ask for things and expect to get it in return-its what meets your needs. It took me a very long time to accept that statement because I am naturally a "giver" and my husband is a "taker"

You cannot love everyone equally, but you can respect your Mom enough to clearly outine your wishes and ask specifically that she respect you enough to uphold your wishes. Beyond that, you can hope she will come to love your baby and through that love, respect your husband more.

We asked that we have "family only" time when I returned from the hospital and 2 weeks after we returned. Although my Mom and my Husband's didn't understand, they respected our wishes. Our roles are reversed in the "Moms" arena, but children have softened the road, again more than hoped.

My hopes for you during this trying time!

WOW! I am never amazed at the responses sometime!!!!
WHEW!!! I will tell ya what....the use of the "w" word, regarding hispanics is HUGE!!! To be so "nonchalont" about it, fascinates me. What if he were african american? Would she had used the "N" word?
The absolute fact that you could type that cruel, demeaning word in regards to Hispanics and not get "pulled" is astonishing to me.

This is a tricky situation, but you do have a lot of time to feel it out. You honestly don't know how you are going to feel after you give birth, some help will certainly be welcome but you will also want alone time with your new little family, no matter who is visiting. You may even kick out your awesome MIL and her hubby after a week!

Just ask your mom at some point when exactly she plans on visiting after the baby is born and how long she's staying. Tell her to wait at least 2 weeks after baby is born (to avoid cross over with the inlaws). You may have to wait until the baby is born, but you can always tell her that you can only have a short visit because we're exhausted and need alone time (which could very well be true). I think putting a time limit on it this early may be premature and cause more hurt feelings. After that baby is born you have an excuse to skip things, stay home, be tired, take visitors or refuse. Most people who have had kids will understand! And if you're mother gets hurt, there's just no way around it. Good luck!

There are no rules that say you have to accommodate ANYONE, including your parents or any other family and friends ever but especially during the birth of a child. I have had to distance myself from both of my parents and my husband has done the same from his for our own sanity. Do not feel bad about this. You have instincts about protecting your family and marriage that are correct and keeping toxic people away or letting them around for only short periods is totally acceptable. You are trying to build something positive and don't need anyone there that has the emotional trigger power that a parent does during what should be a joyful event for your new family. If you feel that your mother can't behave and act civilized for the duration of her stay then you are entitled to either severely cut the length of a stay or visit or have it not happen at all until a later time. Good luck with this, there are too many people who will try to guilt you into the whole, "it's you mother and you only get so much time with her" thing. Keep the people that can be positive involved in your life and the rest can receive pictures and get email/letters for updates with short visits dictated by you.

God I hate to tell you that you will not be hurting her feeling but you just not going to be able to avoid this.For many reason that you have mention like through out your post that she might stay longer but let's be honest that you know her well enough to let assume that she will be moving in with or without your choice.Let her know now that it's not going to happen.Always state that you can only have her stay only 3 days and not 5.You can choose 5 but that is too close to being a full week and she will see that there 's no point to go home at all.You can even give her 4 but never 5.My brother in law's mom did the over stay and 1st it was the 5 days thing then it became almost a month and my sister just snaped and it didn't go well at all.His mom thought that he will choose her and that his wife(my sis)have no say of whether or not she can stay.It ended up putting a ripple in their marriage and it took awhile for him to realized that it was a mistake.Once he put his foot down,his mom learned to live with the decision.Now she is only there 2 to 3 days.Never more than that.But it didn't repair their relationship at all.My sis still hates her guts.Their situation is a bit different and his mom wasn't a racist but it still cost so much problems.Can you imagine how well this will be for your marriage if she is there like 24/7.Your husband is a saint to have not snap at her but I tell you this.No human can stand that much pressure in their face and when you are also just starting out a family.Nip it in the butt now and if she ask why then you might have to tell her the truth that she is not the most friendliest person on this planet to another race.Be honest and tell her the truth.No sugar coated it.She is an adult and just tell her that you love her dearly but you also love your husband and you are about to start a family.If she loves you ,she will compromise.I hope she will cuz this is tough but don't want it to be really bad like my sis and her in laws.

I can understand your feelings, I dislike my mom but the truth is she will know you are having his mom come and stay longer...unless you want to live with the emotional consequences for the rest of her life you need to seriously re- think having his mom come stay longer than you are going to let your mom stay.

I would tell her that his mom is coming from date - date and she is welcome to come anytime between date and date, could she let you know so you can make plans...

A few thoughts.

I doubt that a visit=moving in permanently.

In spite of her dislike for your husband, she IS your mother. Just talk to her about planning her trip.

How does she feel about having your in laws at the delivery and not being included herself?

How will the visits be timed? Will she & your in laws overlap?

Personally, I think it's a little early to be talking about "visitation limitations"!

You might just find that you might (after delivery) feel overwhelmed and inept and not qualified to "mother" like most new moms do! You might really want your mom there with you. You never know.

Ah -- your mom is like my husband's mom. I can tell you about our experience assuming that you'll have a similar one. We started out being nice and saying things gently. At one point, she DID move in with us (without our ever inviting her to do so -- she just showed up one day with her bags) and through the 6 month long ordeal learned an important lesson. That lesson is this: with some people, candy-coating the message makes it so they taste only the candy-coating and never get the message. Unless you like pain, you'll just have to face facts that she WILL get her feelings hurt -- but that it's because of her flaw and not yours. You'll just have to out and out tell her the way of it -- no apologies, no explanations. Just, "Mom, you can come visit. But you may not spend the night. If you want to come after the baby is here, your help would be appreciated but I don't want you adding to my work."

Good luck!!!!!!!