How Do We Handle MIL Treating SD Differently?

Daughter is old enough to understand how this obvious favoritism would hurt her little brother so asking her to keep these gifts and things at mom's house would be okay, she may not love the idea but hopefully she can understand and not want to hurt her little brother. I would continue what you are doing to protect your son and just let MIL know that when she is ready to treat the children equally she will be more then welcome to take BOTH children out to dinner etc. Of course it is okay for her to also have one on one time with them, but she should be doing that for both children. What she is doing now is just down right rotten, purposely hurting a little boy just to get back at you for cutting time because she was hurting that boy, she sounds rather toxic and it is okay to cut toxic people from your life.

This is something your husband is going to need to resolve with his mother. He needs to emphasize that he has 2 children, not 1 daughter and 1 STEP son.

You can't force her to accept your son. However, you can tell the daughter that any gifts that she receives need to stay at her mother's house.

It sounds to me like you are handling this as best you can. The only think you might consider adding is to tell SD that gifts that are given to her at her BM's house should stay at her BM's house. I agree that ensuring your son's well-being is more important tolerating MIL's bad behavior.

My stepmom is like this. Only blood family means something to her. She became my stepmom when I was 7 years old. I'm 46 and she still has not changed. At some point growing up I started noticing the discrepancies between how she treated my brother and I and how she treated her daughters. Some of the things she has done were really bad...bad enough to cut her and my Dad out of my life. I just distanced myself. It made me feel bad as a child and resentful as an adult. Your MIL sounds like a piece of work. Honestly, I would talk to a family therapist about what to do. Especially concerning what to tell your son. This is not fair to him and not kind.

Hard to follow exactly what your issue is. It appears that your MIL formed an alliance with your step daughter's mom (who she hates) because you restricted her from seeing her granddaughter at your house. In addition she spends a lot of money on her granddaughter and doesn't do the same for your son. Your son is noticing that he is being treated differently than his step sister and you don't know how to address this?

She doesn't see your son as being related to her. Some people see a big divide between a blood relative and a step child. Its really her loss and something you can't control. I think you did the right thing by moving it out of your house but you can't control what grandma does.

I'd probably be proactive with your son and let him know that MIL has issues that have nothing to do with him. Let your husband talk to his mother about this and get it sorted out if he can. But if he can't get his mom to be more loving to your son then maybe you need to talk with a therapist to figure out how to move forward with this.

I think you're doing the best you can with this situation. You can't control your MIL, but you (well, your husband, really, since it's his mom) can tell her that she is welcome in your lives as long as she considers both kids to be her grandkids and doesn't favor one over the other. If your husband's family doesn't agree, well, that's (unfortunately) the way it goes. It's very important for you and your husband to be on the same page and to be consistent. It's so good to hear that he has your back on this one and is willing to be the person to handle his mom. Not every spouse recognizes that, and it can really put the other spouse in a tough spot. Good for him!

As you mentioned the really hard part is how to handle the gifts your step-daughter receives. Love the advice to have her leave those things at her mom's house. As with any blended family, there will be times when one child goes to the other parent's house and receives gifts or attention.

I don't have a great answer for the softball and baseball game. We are actually in a similar situation. My MIL goes to EVERYTHING that my SIL's kids do, and she hardly ever goes to things that our kids do. Our boys are 9 & 11, and they've started to notice. We acknowledge their feelings and remind them that Grandma loves them and wants to spend time with them and remind them of the times she did come to their games. But there's really no answer other than, you can't make her want to go.

I would gently acknowledge his feelings and they try not to let him dwell on it. You can't fix this one for him.

My husband has had this problem with his mother. She has a favorite with our children. Our children are all her biological grandchildren (we're not a blended family). It was very awkward and unpleasant for our children, and stressful for us as parents. We didn't feel we needed the stress so my husband cut her off.

The counselor we saw suggested this. It wasn't meant as punishment (how my MIL is acting) rather as AKMom suggests, you don't need toxic people in your life.

It was just one of many stresses she added to our life over the years. Most of the time, the gifts were more something she got something from (shopaholic) than our child. We did as Diane suggested - donated the in excess ones to needy families.

I let my husband handle all this stuff and just stayed out of it, focusing instead of our children. The thing is, the more you stress about it - the less time/energy you have to spend on what's important. You can't control what happens at BM's house. Let that go unless your husband has a good rapport. If you feel BM will report back to MIL, don't bother.

My one suggestion - be careful about not letting SD feel uncomfortable about being the favored one. She may feel guilty about it, and she may feel like she is to blame for having Grandma no longer be a part of your lives. She may be over-hearing stuff at BM's house. It hurts all the kids. *If your husband wants to get through to his mother, that's an angle that he might just want to try. It didn't work with my husband's mother, but it's worth a shot.

I once stopped dealing with a neighbor who used the 'c' word. She used it to describe her DIL. Honestly - if someone uses that term to describe another woman - there's something wrong with her.

Yikes, what a mess.

I think your husband has done the right thing, by not letting her come over. If his ex lets MIL into her home and your husband can't get his ex to cooperate, that's a problem. But if your stepdaughter is only with her mom every other weekend, you can still control a lot of what goes on in your own home.

I would not allow anyone in my home who called any woman a "super cunt" at all - and I'd say that anyone who refers to any woman like that is likely to say it about me or the child, or allow others to say it. Your husband needs to tell her that's not an acceptable word at all. If he has a really good relationship with his daughter's mother, they could work together to decide that this word is not acceptable and that Grandma will be told the mom knows she uses the word (though perhaps not to refer to the mom - that could blow up).

The lavishing of toys is designed to stick it to you and your husband. You know that, right? So ideally, the bio mother would tell MIL to knock it off, that it's excessive. But no matter what, those toys and clothes stay at Mom's, and your husband should tell his mother why, that he will not allow her to intentionally and routinely hurt a 5 year old boy and, by extension, his wife and himself.

He did reduce the time she spends, and she took it as a slight. And it was! It was a clear message that she's out of line. I would also stop telling her when all the practices and games are, although you shouldn't stop her if she shows up. Creating a scene won't work. If she slights your son, however, your husband needs to step in. Again, it would be nice if your husband's ex would see that excessive gifts and attention are creating a problem of expectation, and of being nice to someone because they buy stuff - that's an absolutely terrible lesson for anyone, particularly young girls we want to raise to be strong enough to resist the "flowers and candy" type of man. And if there are other grandchildren who are also being slighted, that's a broader problem. It's interesting that other family members feel you should just leave her alone. Is that what she does with other grandchildren? I agree with the other relatives that you can't make her want a relationship with your son, but you can absolutely not subject your son to this rejection by having her around. Your daughter's answer, if asked when her games/practices/events are, should say, "I don't know - you'll have to ask my dad." And again, ideally the Mom will not share the schedule with Grandma. If things become uncomfortable for your stepdaughter, then it's time for everyone to tell Grandma to call it quits and stop enabling her.

I would say that the daughter should be helped to see this excess and find ways to donate the toys to needy children - and tell Grandma that's what's happening. (I don't mean to put the child on the spot, but to have your husband say that stuff isn't coming into the house and both her and bio mom agree.)

Re the bath - a 9 year old doesn't need help at all, and Grandma should not be in the bathroom with her at all, period, end of sentence. Children this age need to have privacy and independence, and Mom should prevent Grandma from being in the private spaces of the home. If Grandma is helping Mom financially, it may be hard for the Mom to say no to her though. But still, every other weekend shouldn't be that big a burden for your family.

Your husband should watch the "work things out" thing because it's giving his mother all the power. A simple rule that she cannot come to your house or pick up the daughter at school or take her for gymnastics at all. If you have to, tell the school that the child is not to be dismissed to Grandma at all. Let the school handle it if she shows up.

You're doing the right thing, staying out of it. I'm sure it's very hard. I don't know if this is a rejection of you, or her bizarre way of protecting her granddaughter from the big change of getting a new brother, or what. You can't control what she feels, only your children's exposure to it.