Am I Overreacting?

I was a step-Mom at one point in my life. For such isues I would consult a VERY helpful website that helpsed me navigate those waters. It is www.steptogether.org and it's ALL step parents posting Q's and answers about things just like this and many othere step parent issues - including things about MIL's. Blessings, S.

(Your message struck a cord with me, and I debated about responding even after I had typed the message below, but I think you may need to hear this.. As a step-daughter & now a step-mother, I think I may have a viewpoint that will help.)

I think your "a little about me" says it all. You don't mention your step-daughter at all.
I don't mean to be harsh, but maybe your MIL is compensating for what she sees as YOUR favoritism to your natural-born daughter over your step-daughter.
I agree she should have listened to you, but from the tone of your message, it sounds like this has been going on for a while & she might just have figured it was one more instance of your step-daughter not getting the attention she deserves.

And before you get angry, I should tell you that I have been in BOTH places - I have BEEN the step-daughter and I am NOW the step-mother to an 11 year old boy. I think it may be easier w/ a boy b/c there isn't that natural competition for the dad's attention that happens w/ any mother-daughter relationship, whether there is the word "step" in there or not.
However, it is still difficult for ME not to favor my natural-born son over m step-son - and I say that w/ 100% honesty & humility. I don't like that I feel that way. I just do. I have to watch myself constantly & I even over-compensate at times for what I feel is a greater love for my "real" son.
I have to always be conscious that it is NOT my step-son's fault that he is from a broken home - I am positive that is not the way he would like it to be. And since I am, in a way, grateful that he IS from a broken home (because I wouldn't be married to his dad if he wasn't & I wouldn't have my son), I try not to let my resentment that I don't have the picture-perfect family impact him. Now, his MOTHER is another story... ;)

Also, keep in mind that to your husband & your MIL, your step-daughter is just as related to them as YOUR daughter is. There isn't any reason for favoritism.
I think you may want to take a step back & realistically examine your own actions & you may see that your MIL is not 100% in the wrong.

Also, therapy helps - you can get everything out w/ someone who is unbiased & will help you through it happier on the other side!

hi M.,
well, yeah, i do think you're over-reacting a little. it sounds as if you're protective of your daughter, which makes sense, but i think your MIL is feeling as if her older granddaughter might be in need of a little extra reassurance that she too is loved, which also makes sense.
firstly, the notion that every time something is purchased for one child something MUST be purchased for the other is faulty. overall the balance of course should be maintained, but two year olds and ten year olds are very different. toddlers tend to garner a lot of stuff and attention by virtue of their very being. i'm betting grandma feels that she is actually evening the scales by pampering the older girl a little, making her know that her Big Girl-ness is also worthy of celebration.
next, how does a two year old save up $120? does she even have a clue what that means?
a ten year old does.
you say you explained your decision to have your stepdaughter buy her polly pockets to the girl herself. you don't mention explaining this to your MIL. so how would she know? expecting a ten year old to intuit what's behind your edict, explain it to another adult AND do so at the expense of what she really wants is expecting an awful lot of that little girl. yes, it would be very cool of MIL to ask you first. you should probably have that conversation with her. but i think grandma probably saw a crestfallen little face and wanted to fix it. no nefarious motives, really.
and if the two year old was happy, excited, having fun, why is it necessary for grandma to buy her anything just because she got something for the other girl? surely everyone's goal is to make sure that the kids are loved, protected and having a good time, not keeping a score sheet.
i can totally see grandma writing this story from exactly the other perspective. she probably feels as if your stepdaughter is getting short-changed and wants to make sure she knows she's loved. it says volumes that being a step-mother to a sweet ten year old girl doesn't figure in your bio, ya know?
khairete
S.

There have been a lot of good responses here that I have also thought of, that you should strongly consider, such as: Is it possible the MIL feels that the older girl gets short-changed at home and therefore is trying to make up for it? Does MIL just think the 2 year old doesn't pay enough attention for it to matter and naturally the "squeaky wheel gets the grease" (if the 10 year old asks for something, she'll get it. Maybe if the 2 year old actually voiced it, she would too?) Maybe this girl IS her favorite grandchild (she reminds her of herself when younger or they have similar personalities) and no matter what, she'll always be favored, etc. One thing I would like to add is this:

Maybe MIL isn't favoring step-daughter because she's by a different mom but simply because she is older? My grandmother was like this. We were like furniture (annoying, messy furniture) when we were toddlers/young children, and didn't feel any particular bonding with her, almost more scared of her, but when we got older, she was much more interested in us and more showy with her affection. She treated us BEST when we were adults! I finally realized that she was just a woman who didn't like small children, but it got better with time.

I think the best thing you can do is just foster a good relationship between yourself and the MIL. If there is friction with MIL, she may almost unconsciously shy away from your child to avoid getting herself in situations where she has to deal with you. It may seem like you are the one doing all the work at first, but if it's for the sake of your daughter, isn't it worth it? In this situation, I would NOT confront MIL about this. If she feels like you are "pushing" your daughter on her, she may resist even further. As a step-daughter with a younger half-sibling, I have seen this in action. My very forthright, very pushy step-mom wanted the very best for "her" daughter and was resentful that my Paternal grandmother didn't fall all over herself to get to the baby, not realizing (as above) the grandma just wasn't that in to kids. Her constant harping on this point really prevented my grandmother (who WAS stubborn!) from being able to get close to her granddaughter in her own way. Now that she's gone, it can never happen. Who suffers for that? Not my grandma, she's not around to suffer. But my half-sister basically has little memory of sharing time with her and basically sees her through her mom's eyes instead of her own. Try not to let this happen to you!

I get the feeling there is a lot going on here.
When my Mom was being raised (in the 1930's), she was 7 years older than her brother. Her folks treated them totally differently. My Mom helped change the baby diapers, was the chore drudge of the household while her darling baby brother was the little prince of the family and could do no wrong. When my Mom had me and my sister (we are 22 months apart), she went WAY overboard with trying to make sure absolutely everything was exactly even between us. We were different individuals and did not want absolutely everything exactly the same. My point is, while you want to treat each child fairly, with 8 or so years difference in their ages, their needs are very different. Maybe a little one on one quality time with each child would work. I don't know what your MIL's background is. She might just want the older child to feel like she's still special even though she's not the baby of the family anymore, or maybe she is playing favorites. Maybe MIL got along better with the Ex better than you and her different treatment of the children is a reflection of that. I'd be a bit out of sorts about the end-run around my wishes by going for a second judgment with the MIL over the toy. I have noticed that kids from divorced family's often learn to keep asking the different adults in their lives the same question till they get a more favorable answer. It's nice if the adults can present a unified front, but if the adults are not getting along, they play one against the other just as well as the kids do. Being a step parent is not easy. And you've got the teenage years coming up fairly soon. Maybe you could have bought the toy for her and had her pay you back right away from her allowance when you got home. Then MIL would not have had a chance to meddle.

I have been faced with this before. Many times the older kids do need more than the younger. I would not look at it as a money end. Did MIL buy the baby anything or just the step daughter ? If she bought NOTHING for her then yes, I would ask your husband to talk to her NOT YOU. If she did then I would just understand that the 10 year old received more because she is 10 and not 2. Granny may also be over compensating because of the little guys history. Grandma could be healing her pain gifts. Grandma is also closer to the 10 year old then the 2. In time she will get to know the baby and have a better relationship with her. DOES she spend time alone with the new baby ? I would also suggest that she be you daughter too now instead of the stepdaugthter. Coming from a broken home. I would just rather be interduced as " these are our girls" or our daughters rather than step children. I AM SO ANGRY AT "Q" RESPONSE TO YOU. ANYONE WHO TREATS THEIR STEPCHILDREN LIKE STEPCHILDREN AND MAKE COMMENTS LIKE "THEY HAVE MOMS" ARE IDIOTS. KIDS ARE KIDS AND THEY DONT UNDERSTAND. AGAIN,I CAME FROM A BROKEN HOME AND MY STEP MOM NEVER EXCEPTED ANY OF US. VERY PAINFUL AND WE ALL BUILT UP RESENTMENT AND HAD A BAD RELATIONSHIP WITH MY FATHER BECAUSE HE WOULD NOT STEP IN. ON THE OTHER HAND, MY MOM TREAT HER NEW HUSBANDS KIDS WITH THE SAME LOVE US AS HER OWN, THEY LATER DIVORCED AND HIS KIDS STAYED WITH MY MOM...... EVEN THOUGH THEY HAD THEIR OWN "REAL MOM"

These are really great responses, and I think you should definitely take them to heart. As a stepdaughter and parent of daughters, I see both sides of this issue. I am certain that even without meaning to, you inadvertantly show some (even if very slight) "favoritism" to your 2 year old daughter (the "light of your life") because she is yours (and your 1st, at that). It's very difficult for stepchildren (and I HATE that term) because they feel like their being treated differently is just because they "aren't yours", when in fact, most parents treat even their biological children differently. We all have different personalities and will frankly have different relationships with our various children because of that. Maybe try to talk to your stepdaughter about your own feelings concerning your relationship with her. Don't try to tell her that it's the same for both girls because she knows it's not...my own kids know our relationships are different. My oldest is very close to my husband and my youngest and I are more compatible. It doesn't mean we love either of them any less, but they are different people. I have explained to my own that we are a family and everyone is completely loved and an equal part, but some of us have more similar likes and dislikes so we tend to spend more time doing those things together. On the flip side, really try to make sure that you do something special with your stepdaughter that she enjoys(just the two of you, if you can) every so often...once a month, or whatever works with your schedule, so she knows that you appreciate who she is and her special place in your life and heart.

As for the gifts, I think that at 2 years old, you should leave things be for the time and try not to worry about the future until it's upon you. It's been my experience that small children will speak up clearly when they think there is injustice, so this should work itself out then. For example, if your youngest was 4 or 5 and thought her sister got something she didn't, believe me, she will likely yell and scream right then and there in front of Grandma "that's not fair...why is she getting it and not me"? Certainly at that point, you can leave it to Grandma to answer her question or right the wrong and the subject will be handled. Most likely though, the grandparents figured that the whole trip was to celebrate the 2 year old's birthday, so they probably compensated a bit for the 10 year old to spare feelings. This behavior should naturally decline, probably, as the oldest gets into her teenage years and will care more about time and thoughts with and of her friends...then it will be your daughter's turn. Good luck, as I know this is a delicate situation. Try to stay calm and not worry, as being overprotective of your youngest (especially when her feelings are NOT hurt yet...yours are) and becoming resentful will negatively affect your relationships with stepdaughter and husband, let alone in-laws!

A 2 year old is happy playing with a cardboard box. And the 10 year old is living in a step family situation. Having done that myself at 10, I can tell you that no matter how wonderful you are or how well you treat your stepdaughter, she is in a broken family. Your 2 year old is not. That alone gives your 2 year old something that the 10 year old will never have-an intact family with her own mom and dad. Perhaps your mother-in-law is trying to make up to make up for this with the 10 year old. Or perhaps she realizes that the 10 year can appreciate a $50 gift, while the 2 year old really wants mommy's arms and is happy with a cardboard box. As a mom of 3 and a marriage of 26 years, I can tell you that you will drive yourself crazy and harm your relationship with both your husband and your mother-in-law if you continue with this. Be grateful for any gifts that your kids get-they are both your kids, right??? I have a 19 year old and a 5 year old. For Xmas my mother gave the 5 year old a $25 truck toy and the 19 year old $100 cash. I'm great with that, and thankful that she gave them anything.

M.,
I believe that you are reacting to a natural emotion. If you had screamed at Grandma and punished the 10 yr at Disney then you would have overreacted.

Here's something I want to share with you. I'm one of three daughters, together we have 10 kids (1 girl, 9boys)ranging in age from 3yr up to almost 22yr. My mother loves all the kids. However, she had recently shared with me how she feels about the oldest grandchild (a boy) and not one of mine. She said he is just a tad bit more special because he was the one who made her a grandma. He is a lot easier to be around because he is the oldest. No matter what stage the other kids are, he is still older. So he could sit longer at a restuarant, he knew how to behave in public, now he can drive her places. Something the youngest ones (twin boys) can't do. Try to understand that Grandma may not have been trying to undermine your authority but keeping a vacation fun for the 10 yr.

Your 2yr old has something her sister can never have her two parents committed to each and the family. You have a tough road ahead but it seems to me that you are working hard at trying to do what is right for your family.

Best of luck.
K.

"My husband and I welcomed our first child in Feb 07. She is the light of my life and I enjoy spending every moment with her."

You don't even mention your stepdaughter when telling about yourself. Like it or not, she IS your daughter, too. And I find it interesting that "the girls" saved $120 each. Now, I can see a 10 yr. old saving allowance, etc., but how does a 2 yr. old "save" money? So was there favoritism on your part there? Make sure that your daughters share their things and then your MIL's gifts are for both. Your attitude will only feed fuel to this issue. Sorry, but that's how I see it.

M.,
I'm not so sure STEP has anything to do with it. Is this your MIL's 1st grandchild? 1st child of her favorite child? THAT may be your answer.

Here's my background and the reason I came to this conclusion: My mother, who is actually my aunt but raised me since I was almost 4, has clear favorites and my son isn't one of them. She has 6 kids (my natural sis and I added to her natural 4) and 11 grandkids (7 "natural" grandkids + my son and sis's 3 kids).

Mom has always treated her only natural daughter differently than all her kids. We all passed it off because she was the "baby". But now the grandkids are in the picture and Mom is far more transparent than ever. She favors the two children of her natural daughter. She has even gotten on an airplane TWICE to see them (she hates to fly!) when they lived far away. She does special things with them she doesn't do with the other grandkids. All the while, she says she loves all her grandkids just the same.

I hate that she does this. I hated that she treated her natural daughter better than the rest of us. But she is human and she can't help how she feels. Perhaps your MIL doesn't realize she's doing it, either. Let it go. It won't be easy but it is what is. Your natural child may never even care and it may always be your issue. I like someone else's suggestion that counseling may help. After all, you're the only one who can change your outlook and maybe that's what is needed here. You can't change her.

Good luck!!
D.

Hi M.,
First..if it's something that bothers you and can ultimately affect your baby then never think you are overreacting. The Lord gave us that Mothers intuition for a reason. Your MIL could be trying to overcompensate for her shortcomings as a g-ma to your stepdaughter. Maybe she didn't spend alot of time with her as a baby and now she's 10! Or..and that sounded judgemental of me so I digress. Maybe she feels like the stepdaughter isn't getting the attention the MIL feels she should be getting because there is a new baby in the house. Or..she is used to caving any time stepdaughter wants anything. It could be a thousand reasons why she buys for one and not the other. Your 2 year old is still young and you are right, does not notice now. But, she will. My brother and all the males in the family, always received more "things" and, unfortunately, more attention from my maternal grandmother. We noticed and there were some hard feelings about it when we were younger. My mother did step in and say something. At first, my Dad was defensive-sounds like your hubby is too. But, after awhile and seeing for himself, he noticed too. That was about the same time us girls stopped caring that she did more for one than the other. You could try talking to her--if you think it won't start world war III. Or, because she is 10 and not a baby, you could talk to your stepdaughter. She may be able to process what you are saying and get to a place where she isn't asking for things all the time. That may make her feel more grownup and as crazy as that may sound at 10 and in the gimme age, she may surprise you. It would help her become more responsible with her money which would be a great asset as she matures. Just some ideas. Good luck!

Not overreacting. Is this stepdaughter from a previous marriage? Does this stepchild remind them of their son? Sometimes, grandparents (as well as aunts and uncles) do show favoritism. It's not right, nor fair. But, after I'd mentioned it to my husband and he chose not to say anything, I'd leave it alone. They're his parents to correct. If you say something to your ILs, it becomes war between you and them. Let your baby grow up and voice it to them (and Dad) herself--and she will.

I agree with those who say your "a little about me" is telling. It gives the impression that your step-daughter is not part of your life. Even if you and your spouse don't have primary custody, she IS a part of your life.

Without knowing the kind of relationships you have with your MiL and your step-daughter, it's hard to guess at their motives. Perhaps instead of doing a complete end run around you, your MiL gave your SD the $ with the expectation that she would be repaid.

Its been my experience with men (or my man) that when expressing my emotional side (hurt feelings) is that I must go about it with logic. So I cook a nice dinner, and when all is calm, I"D say "Honey I have been noticing that when you buy for "name" you dont for "name". So I wanted to know your take on that...then listen, because we REALLY (as woman) need to give our men the "space" to speak. HE may very well have a logical thought process about it...and we need to UNDERSTAND THAT FIRST. Then and only then can you now draw a rashanal way to deal with your own feelings. So what I have found...is that on many occassion when dealing with my emotional side...is that I was just being overly SENSITVE to a "story" I made up out of my HURT emotional feelings...ITs not been easy living with an Arabic man BUT I have learned that I can be overly emotional when it come s to feelings and men deal more Rationally with you if you deal that way with them .... Give him a chance to speak. HOPE this helps or at least gives you something to think about! Good luck and let me know if it helps!
M.

I can't see what reason your MIL would have to favor one child over the other, as they are both equally her grandchildren. I would assume she bought something for the older child because she thought the older child had a greater need and appreciation for it. I gave cash gifts to my nieces and nephews this past Christmas and I gave my oldest niece more than twice as much as the younger two, because I thought she had more use for it, not because I was trying to favor her.

Also, I agree with others who have said that she was probably trying to compensate for the fact that your step-daughter's mother was not there, whereas your daughter had both of her parents with her for the trip. She just wanted to make sure she felt extra special.

ignore it.

My MIL ALWAYS favors her other grandchildren, like offering to take them to Disney all expenses paid, and she never does that for our children because we have more $ than her other sons.... she always invites their families out to dinner, but always waits for my husband to pay for the bill when she is with us. yeah I can also go on and on, pisses me off too, but hey, in the end its her $.

Maybe your MIL thinks the 2 year old does not really understand whats going on, and she might change once your 2 year old starts realizing whats going on. BUT WHATEVER U DO, DO NOT CONFRONT HER! If it really is something u can't stand, talk to your husband and let him stand up for your daughter.

if nothing works, just as reassurance, i had grandparents that favored my brother and I turned out fine! :)

are you sure the g-mom is just not able to say, 'no' to you older child? could be your older child is asking or 'hinting' that she wants something and your younger one is able to do that yet.

Hi M.! That sounds aggravating. I think the best situation would be for your husband to talk to his parents about it. Maybe your MIL doesn't think 2-year-olds notice things and she is trying to butter up the older child because she notices. Maybe your MIL is just a pain. My MIL starts giving the kids $50 for their birthday (in addition to a present) only after they turn 13. Which my 7 year old noticed and wondered about. I am not going to say anything to my MIL about that because it's okay with me, as long as she does the same thing for all the kids (when they turn 13). If your husband won't talk with her about it, you can wait and see if the pattern becomes clearer (maybe she gives money to people when they ask for something particular) or if she changes before your daughter notices. If it starts becoming a problem (i.e. making your daughter feel bad), your husband will probably be more willing to step up to the plate then. You can always spend less time with the grandparents if necessary. Good luck!

what i wouldnt like is that you were like you said that you wernt listened to. i would make your step daughter give mil the money that she spent on the doll. tell mil that she doesnt have to agree with your rules for your daughter but that she does have to abide by them. my mil does these things to although in a different way and we told her that if she cant do what we ask then she cant have them alone with her. as for your youngest she is only 2 and really doesnt need anything. maybe when she gets older mil will see what she likes and ant to get for her too. if the 2 yo isnt affected by it i'd let it slide for now but in the next year or so if it doesnt improve i'd make a point to nt accept gifts unevenly. tell mil this then drop it. if step daughter gets a gift and not younger daughter then tell older one that if this happens she will have to return the gift sense it wouldnt be fair to her sister. once mil sees that you mean what you say she'll either stop buying the gifts or she will start buying equally. another idea is to ell mil and 10 year old that anything she gets will be both childrens toy not just one. my children are 5 years apart and for the most part they share everything even when they dont want to because it's the nice thing to do. make mil feel bad for giving just one aa gif and ot the other. next time she brings a gift say "oh well that was nice of you to get the GIRLS a gift!" when she mentions that it was just for one say "oh well what about ______ i bet she would like to get a gift too....thats ok though they can share it!"

Dear M.,

Without knowing your family members and the particular details of this situation, it is very hard for someone else to know what is actually going on, but for some reason your request struck a chord with me.

I would be willing to bet that your MIL is not intending to show favoritism at all, but instead is thinking that the 10-year-old is old enough to know what is going on and the 2-year-old is not. If this pattern of behavior continues as the 2-year-old grows into a 4- or 5-year-old, I will agree that there is a pattern of favoritism.

If you would like to head off that sort of behavior, the best way (to me, and what do I know?!?!?!) seems to be to laugh about it with your MIL and point out what is happening in chummy, girlfriend-to-girlfriend style. You don't want her to feel criticized or the outcome will not be what you're hoping for. Just say, "Hey, I noticed that you bought that cute little bear for 10-year-old. Wasn't that the cutest little thing? I just loved it! You are the very best grandmother, to do for the girls like you do. But, hey, you might not want to be so open about giving treats like that in front of 2-year-old, because she's starting to get old enough to notice. Next time, she may start asking where her bear is, too! Wow... Can you believe she's already getting old enough for all that?!"

Say it all with a smile, in the spirit of helpfulness, and you'll make your point without alienating your MIL.

hello M.,

I don't think you're overreacting. You are a mom and you are supposed to be protective over your child. You want her to receive the same, if not more, benefits as your stepdaughter. I completely understand. I am in the same boat... well, kind of. Anyway, my questions to you are, does your stepdaughter live with you? Is her mom in her life? I ask this because maybe your MIL is trying to make up for something she believes your stepdaughter is missing. Not saying that that is right or fair. Regardless of the reason behind it, what your MIL is doing will create dissension among siblings and will undermine your authority as a parent. You need to talk to your MIL about how you feel about what she is doing. My husband and I got into a big fight over a similar issue because he thought I was supposed to do equally for my daughter and my step children... NOT! I told him that my step children have mothers that take care of them and it is my responsibility to take care of my child. The result was I told him to do what he needed to do for his kids and I will do what I need to do for mine. Now, I know that wasn't right but oh well. It's really difficult blending families. Hang in there and stand your ground.

Good Luck

I totally know how you feel. I am assuming both children are her grand babies by her son is that right? The first child at the beginning will most of the time get more attention. I had the same problem with my two. I have a 5 yr.old son and a 2 yr.old daughter. In the past when my mother in law has visited she would spend a lot of money on my son and not my daughter and yest it made me very mad. I mentioned it to my husband and he didn't want to believe it but later on I think he noticed it and he said something to his Mom so now she trys to get for both but she still tends to spend more on my son than my daughter. I also told my husband that if she continues that my daughter will pick up on it later when she is older. I also feel that my son is her favorite because it's her son's son and his first child and her first grand baby. What kind of relationship do you have with the MIL? Can you talk to her about it? I mean if both children are her bio grand babies she should treat them the same but it doesn't always work out that way. We just have to learn to cope even though it pisses us off. Sorry for the language. Your husband shouldn't get mad he should try to understand your feelings and pay more attention to his mothers actions. Both children are his and he should want them to be treated equal but again he doesn't want to think his mother would do that. I wish you the best of luck. I go thru the same thing so I definitely understand your feelings.
S.

What I would do in your situation is one or both of these things. First off if it's really bothering you i would first understand that your MIL might be buying the older child more because she's older and actually wants things. The stuff wanted by the younger one is what you want and she may be waiting until there are things your younger one Really actually wants. She doesn't notice and there is no harm done. But i would def. make sure this is what is happening by talking to your MIL one on one. I would come at her accusing but i would come at her more like you would like her to receive things also that she can remember her grandmother giving her at this age. It looks to you like the older child is getting more maybe because she actually asking for things. I would not call her your step daughter i would call her the older child or her name. In using the name Step child you are making it sound like she is only getting these things out of either pity for being a step child or you don't think she deserves anything. To me it seems only natural that an older child would get more since she's more aware of getting things and remembers who they came from and actually wants them other than just wanting anything. Please make sure before you talk to her that your not doing the step mothers attitude. You are actually being fair and not pointing fingers because of her being your step daughter.

Is is possible your MIL sees you favoring your daughter over your step-daughter? Even if you are not doing this many people do without realizing it and she may just be trying to make sure that your step-daughter does not feel less important or forgotten now that "you have a child of your own" I would take some time to seriously evaluate yourself and then I would give your MIL the benefit of the doubt. She is probably just trying to make your step-daughter feel special and do extra for her while the baby is too small to be bothered by it. If the baby were older and this were taking place and she was able to notice the difference I think it would be worth getting upset about and finding away to address your MIL about.

Hmmm. Sounds as though the MIL cared for the other daughter-in-law and resents you?! 'Cause your daughter is as much her granddaughter as your stepdaughter is, right? Same father?

It's unfortunate that sometimes this sort of thing is taken out on the child, and that your husband is willing to allow it. I'm going to think on this and see if I can actually give you some real advice, right now I'm just empathizing with a situation I've seen before, over and over. It's not right for a n adult to act like a child towards a child, but what to do...

Family is really hard and tough to be with at times. Keep in mind that maybe your MIL is trying to keep the 10.5 to keep from feeling left out....And doesn't think the 2 year old is old enough to realize the discrepancy. I would have my husband be the one to talk to you MIL if that is what you decide to do. A little sub comment of "mom, our 2 year is noticing you buy things for the 10 year but not her...Did you realize?"

Hang in there, these things are totally normal and not normally intentional.

Hi, M. - I totally understand where you are coming from. Unfortunately, with in-laws, there is only so much you can do. Families do things differently and it can be extremely frustrating. As to whether or not you are right...you can't help how you feel. In a way, it really doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong, does it? I've been married for 27 years; here is my advice: vent to your family & friends, but try to leave your husband out of it. Of course he's defensive of his parents. No one wants their parents to be wrong, but it is probably very hard for him to feel stuck in the middle. Hopefully, your in-laws will not show such blant favoritism when your daughter gets older. If they persist, and your daughter notices and says anything, I'd just say ask your father, or ask your grandparents why they do this or that. Hopefully, she be a stronger person for it. If nothing else, it will teach her that life isn't always fair. I'm sure she will get the love, encouragement, and proper training that she needs from you and your parents, and if your in-laws hurt her feelings over the years, who will be the real loser in that situation? So again, don't let it affect your marriage; just know that some people aren't as considerate as we would like. It is really their problem; don't make it yours. Hope this helps! N.

hello:) I will give you different view of this apart from step daughter/biological child issue.
We have 2 boys who are just turned 2 and 4 and we also have 5 Godchildren(who are at our house on the weekly basis)ages 1 to 11. I have done this myself many times when I would get something for the older kids (4, 4 ,7, 9 and 11) and not get anything for our 2 year old. To me he does not really know the differance yet and forgets about the issue 5 min later, so why waist the $$$$:) Sometimes only 3 older ones get to get something/go somewhere because they are older which we explain to the 4 year olds....of cource they are not happy most of the time, but that's how it is. I think I would worry more if your MIL showed favorites in the way she gives time/love/ affection.
but that's just my 2 cents

It sounds like you're having a hard time with the whole step-daughter issue. You are walking a very difficult line being a step-mom, as well as a new mom and wife. Please don't get caught up in the "everything is equal" mentality. There are times, especially with the big difference in ages that their needs are very different. Life is not always equal. They both need to understand that sometimes child #1 needs something and sometimes child # 2 needs something.
It is very unfortunate that your MIL is undermining your authority. I'm sure she feels "sorry" for your step-daughter's situation and is trying to make up for it with stuff. You probably can't change that- but you need to work on changing your reaction to it. I hope that your husband will see the inequality and say something to his mother- she probably won't change anything if it just comes from you.
Good luck with your daughters- it seems you're trying to create a good environment for them!

you cant tell people who to buy things for, how ever you do have the right to refuse things.

dont refuse all the gifts.

explain to the mil that she needs to clear things with you first,(if nothing else this shows you a little respect) because you are trying to teach the children responsibility, with their money. but be prepared for the "grandparents are allowed to spoil"
and by the way your 10 year old by now knows exactly what she is doing when she goes to her grandmother, and does this.

how ever at that point i would retort make sure you do it evenly then!

if she dosent get the message then just be blunt with here. i know how yo feel my MIL is a bain in my existence.

I think you are normal for feeling this way - especially since it is your biological child, and she is your mother-in-law - very interesting dynamic both ways....but I wouldn't take it personally...the 10 year old is older and the 2 year doesn't really care. In time, she may start to care when she gets older because she can tell you are upset by it...but by then the MIL will be spoiling her behind your back as well. I would be upset with the MIL for going against what I had just said - based on principle alone, but I don't think she is favoring the step-daughter over your biological daughter. They are both her grandchildren the same, so I'm sure she loves each of them, but shows it in different ways. In the meantime, try to just enjoy the time together and your kids won't see you upset and think that material possessions are worth getting upset over.

I think that you and your DH (maybe more so your DH) need to have a talk and then need to talk to MIL about the discrepencies.

Yes, she might be trying to "make up for" something with SD or she might favor SD, but she's doing no favors to *both* children in the long run. If she spoils SD then she undermines what you and DH are trying to teach her about money and if she doesn't equalize her gifts, she hurts your daughter.

My paternal grandmother used to favor my younger sister (her biological grandchild) and as much as my mother tried to even things out, it caused a lot of problems. I got skipped even when the toy was more appropriate for a child my age and many gifts were not equal. If my sister got a Cabbage Patch Doll (at the time they were $80), I got the knock off or the "pet". Etc. I don't think you're overreacting and if my MIL did this with my SD and DD, I'd be very upset.

I suspect there are many layers to this favoritism but it is favoritism. And it *does* hurt the family.

Now, my DD may get things my SD doesn't by virtue of only having me and DH as her parents, but that doesn't mean that MIL should go overboard with SD (a $50 bill for a 10 yr old is a bit much anyway) and ignore DD.

We are also the custodial household, so I get where you're coming from.