How Do You Know When to Retreat...

Marriage is harder than dating, even serious long term dating. I don't hear anything that screams "not compatible." I hear a lot of poor sharing the load and communicating responsibilities. You two need ot schedule a time to sit down a lone, make a list of all chores, duties, etc. Taking into consideratiosn one another's schedules, etc. And make a chore chart!!

You also have to discuss what are deal breakers for you. For rme, the bills must be paid on time, top priority. Next, I can't stand a messy kitchen, so to be in my kitchen you must cleanup as you cook and clear the table and do the dishes immediately..My husband hates a dirty crumby floor. We pretty much take on the tasks we can't compromise on. I cook, he vacuums and mops. We also agree on the things that can slide.

It sounds like one or both of you just needs to grow up and do what you are supposed to. You should be doing all this stuff anyway - having two people should make it easier. You are wastign a lot of valuable married life letting this stuff get in the way.

You MUST read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. She will give you tons of insight on the very things you are describing.

Also check out DaveRamsey.com He has tons of info on how to get your finances together and get out of debt and be smart about spending.

Good luck!!!

A. , I looked up your profile because you said you had a young child and you are married a year and been with this man 6 yrs total. Your kid is 6, could there be any resentment from your hubs that you had a kid, went right in to a relationship with him and now that you and he are living in the same house with a child from another relationship, that he is now acting out about your child? I apologize if that isn't the case, but dating and not living together and marriage and an instant child to care for might overwhelm some people. He is being verbally disrespectful to you and you said before the marriage that wasn't the case. If he is frustrated that could be his coping mechinism, verbally abusing you so he feels better about himself becasue he knows he is overwhelmed. Either way this is not ok. Counseling is your best bet for you and him. Yea some people aren 't made for eachother, but for 6 years you guys were ok. If it's the new dynamics of marriage amd fatherhood you need to get him to talk and find out what went arwy.

For #1)
New marriages go through that. Old marriages still go through that... if you cannot work it out.

COMPROMISE.. is very important.... meeting each other half way. Chauvanistic or feminist staunch attitudes, will not help a marriage... because it entails TWO people, having to meet each other half way.

- Next, old grievances or grudges... will keep hurting a marriage.
- Being a stickler for only having something ONE way ONLY... will hurt a marriage.
- EMPATHY is very important... it does not mean you have to 'agree' with each other... but that you UNDERSTAND each other.
- Do not make personal damaging criticisms... it only 'hurts' the other... and 'hurt' can be expressed through anger or depression or apathy. "Giving up" on a relationship... is many times, because frustration builds up and there is no closure or 'truce.'

GO TO marriage counseling.

For #2) take a personal finance course or workshop. Learn about finances. Even banks may have workshops for people. Free.

For #3) That is what a Mom/woman does. Don't expect yourself to be "Super Woman"... no woman is. Just try your best.
Be human.

Men... if verbal angry... is because they are frustrated or cannot understand what we women go through and need. We are human. We are not 'robots.' SO... he has to understand that. He CANNOT expect you to be PERFECT. NO WIFE IS.
It is NOT "okay" for him to talk to you that way, nor to treat you that way.

If he is always jumping down your throat, tell him that. You don't have to give excuses... just tell him. And that it is not acceptable.. .it is not respectful.. .it is not the way a Husband cares for his wife.
It is NOT helping... at all,
Tell him it only makes things worse.

** A Marriage, is a PARTNER-ship. Not a Dictatorship.
It takes 2 people... not only one deciding all the rules.

My marriage early on, was not great. My Husband comes from a culture that is Chauvanistic etc. and per the way he was raised. We have been married 13 years... and he has "grown up." It took a TON of effort and misery and on my part too. We BOTH had to improve ourselves.
It is about SELF-IMPROVEMENT... not just cowering and being timid in order to please your Spouse.
You need to stand up for yourself, feel GOOD about yourself... and having confidence. AND... stating when things are not fair and insulting and when he is being mean.

just some quick thoughts,
Susan

Make a pact to get anger and criticism out of your lives. Touch more, have a date night and hire a maid if you have to. Get marriage counseling if this doesn't work. You both have to be on the program or it won't.

Hmmm. Sometimes i think people project their own issues onto what people are asking. so forgive me if i do. Because i too feel like my husband has to do everything because i can't do it right (.....right enough for him). There was a time I just gave up and whined about it, i have to take care of the kids etc etc. I'm assuming your child is at least 6 at this point??? Old enough to help out.
Now i am at the point where i know i need to try harder to do the dishes the way he likes and make sure the laundry is done etc. Because i don't want to lose him and i know there are plently of women to take my place. I know you said you were sensitive but you need to ask him to calmly tell you One thing you need to do tonight that would make him happy, and then do it. And don't wait for him to say Good job, because if he is like my guy he won't. But he will notice.

two great books, check them out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://www.amazon.com/One-Must-Crazy-Pretty-Sure/dp/08024...
http://www.amazon.com/Fight-Fair-Winning-Conflict-without...

Hi,

I know this sounds silly, but it works. Both you and your hubby need to write down all of the house hold chores and daily tasks that are done. Check off what you can realistically do each day. Then write down the things you appreciate about eachother. Also write down the things you would like to change either about yourself or something that the other person is doing. Sit down and each talk about your lists. It will help tremendously to get the communication opened up again. As far as being good enough wife, you need to do your best as a wife, mother and person. As long as you are doing your best, then thats all anyone can ask of you. Be satisfied with you.

One last thing....compliment eachother every day. This will help your relationship and your feelings towards him.

Good luck,

Molly

I recommend John Grey's books Men are from Mars, Woman are ....
and Mars and Venus Communicate (shorter)
SO helpful! Men and woman are soo different and trying to live together in our modern times means sharing roles, as well as space. As late as the 50s and 60's the roles were well defined and we weren't expected to share chores, agree on finances, etc etc. I think the changing roles are harder on men than woman and, although I couldn't get my husband to read the books-it helped me learn how to talk to him and headed off many arguments.

An arguement is the manifestation of a person's expectations not being met. Now, the hard part is figuring out what your husband's expectations are and if they are attainable. If they are not, then you can change all day long but in the end, you will still be arguing. If they are, then you have to figure out why they aren't. Are your expectations being met? Take out the emotionally charged arguements and schedule weekly "check ins" this is just to make sure everyone's needs are being met. Best of luck.

For finances, I suggest Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. For your relationship, the 5 Love Languages - I just finished it. Think about what was different before you were married. How did you know that he loved you, what did you do that made him feel loved, how has that changed?

I feel very much like you. My husband and I both work full time and have 2 small kids. I spend my energy on the kids, while he seems to do the larger part of the chores. I also feel like I am disappointing him. After reading that book, and realizing that he is an acts of service guy, I make sure I do one thing a day, however small (even cleaning a pile of clutter off the counter for 5 minutes). I have noticed a difference in him...now I just need to get him to read it so that he can figure out that I am quality time. :)